The Fire In My Eyes (42 page)

“No!” I knocked again. “Look, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you wanted to get out of there so badly. I understand how you feel.”

The door opened and she stared at me. Her eyes were red and her cheeks were flushed. “You understand?” she whispered. “How do you think I feel, Kevin? How could you? I sat there and listened to all those stories that you were involved in, so many things that I missed, and I don't know how to deal with it! I thought I knew you, but I only know part of you, don't I?”

“Wait a minute,” I said. This wasn't quite what I was expecting. “I wasn't even involved with half the things they were talking about. I was feeling the same way, Nikki, like I was on the outside looking in.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked. “I don't care about your stupid friends and their little adventures and dates and shit. I care about you.”

“Hey, that's a little out of line.”

“I don't care!” She wiped at her eyes. “You're the one who matters to me. There's only so much blatant flirting I can deal with from Lisa. She hits on you! Just to make Drew jealous!”

“She does not!” I tried to remember the last time Lisa had even come close to flirting with me. She had given me a hug the first time we had met, she would hug me from time to time, but she was the sort to show affection physically. Had she ever hugged me in front of Nikki? Not as far as I could remember. Where was she getting this from?

“Hell yes, she does,” Nikki argued. “And then there's Jess. I can't stand that girl either. I think she hates you. I don't get that at all. How can you expect me to hang around with a girl who hates my boyfriend?”

“Jess doesn't hate me,” I said. “We actually get along pretty well when it's just the two of us hanging out.”

“Oh, I see.” Nikki crossed her arms over her chest. “The two of you alone. Wonderful. Bet that happens a lot. And what about Kaitlyn? You flirt with her. You can't deny that.”

“I flirt with her? She flirts with me, hell, she flirts with everyone! Remember how she was the one who wanted to show me her tan lines? I didn't ask for that. She comes on to every guy who crosses her path. She gets around, doesn't she?”

Nikki's eyes went wide and she slapped me. My jaw was still healing from the abuse from Shade, and it hurt far more than I anticipated. Tears stung my eyes and I clutched my jaw. She didn't seem to care. “Don't you call her a slut! How would you know?”

“What the fuck, Nikki? What is your problem? You know my jaw is still messed up from last month!” I tapped into my power to deaden the throbbing pain, letting biokinesis surge then fade away.

“Stop being a baby,” she snapped. “So how do you know Kaitlyn's easy? Did you sleep with her? Or are you just listening to the rumors your asshole roommates pass around?”

“Where do you get off accusing me of things like this?” I demanded. Her accusations, her obvious dislike for my friends, and the alcohol in my system were combining in a very unpleasant way. “You're going down a checklist of hate here. Are you jealous, or are you just getting more paranoid than normal?”

“Jealous? Paranoid?” Her tone shot up an octave. “Where do you get off accusing me of that? Kevin Parker, you're an asshole too. No wonder you're capable of mur-”

She cut herself off. It was too late. “Murder?” I asked.

“That's not-”

“That's exactly what you were going to say. No wonder you're capable of murder?” I balled my fists. “It was an accident, it was to save your life, and you're going to call me a murderer? Are you fucking serious?”

“Kevin, I-”

I wanted to slap her right back. It was deliberate. It was hurtful. It brought back images and nightmares that had only just started to fade. How could she say something like that? I turned and started to walk away. Self-control, Shade had said. He would be so proud. “I'm going to go get some air,” I said.

“Wait, Kevin, I'm sorry!” She grabbed my shoulder. I tugged free and looked back at her. Her cheeks were streaked with tears. “I didn't mean that. I didn't think. I'm sorry.”

“I'm going to go get some air,” I repeated.

“I'll go with you!”

“No!” She recoiled. “No. I can't talk to you right now. Later. Maybe.”

“Kevin, wait!” I ignored her and walked away. I didn't trust myself to say anything else to her. I didn't know if I could even face her again. She knew how much I had agonized over what had happened. She knew how I had shaken that night, she knew how I still couldn't sleep well, she knew about the nightmares. She knew, she knew full well, and she still said something like that. How could she?

In the stairwell, I burned the alcoholic haze away from my mind with a technique that Absynthe had shown me, then stepped outside. It was cold, just above freezing. I shoved my hands into my pockets and tapped some psionic energy to keep warm. It almost wasn't necessary. My anger felt like it could set me on fire. If she had just said she wanted to leave, we could have left, and it would have been fine. We wouldn't have said those things to each other. No. She wouldn't have said those things to me.

I almost went back inside. I could always return to our little celebration and drink myself into a stupor, try to forget. In a way, that was just admitting defeat. Instead, I decided to go for a walk, clear my head and cool off like I said I would, then go back to Nikki's room and talk things out with her. Hopefully by then, she'd have cooled off as well, and we could make up and spend a little time together before Kaitlyn got back.

My walk took me to the little park that we had turned into a water war zone on Memorial Day, half a year ago. It was abandoned and empty now, late at night, all the trees around the edges stripped naked of their leaves. I walked through it, forcing my hands deeper into my pockets and burning more psionic energy to keep warm. My anger wasn't keeping me warm anymore, just feeding on itself in my head. I had to do something to bleed it off. I pulled a small rock up from the ground to my hand, then flung it toward a distant tree. It popped off the trunk and I felt some of my frustration and outrage fading away. Another rock, another throw. Each throw became a part of my frustration that I was releasing. I threw my frustration with Nikki toward a tree, my stress over finals and grades, the pressure I felt from training, even my apprehension toward returning home tomorrow.

I hadn't been home in close to a year now. Dad was coming to pick me up around noon, and then we'd be having Thanksgiving dinner the day after, and then a long month of boredom before coming back to school. Absynthe had given me some training exercises to do over the break, but warned me that I shouldn't use too much power. Attracting attention could be dangerous. Going anywhere could be dangerous.

I flung another rock, hearing the thump as it bounced off the trunk. I wanted to stay at Ripley, but even school might not be safe anymore. Absynthe had warned me in no uncertain terms that Shade was back on campus and would be around all through December, and that crossing him when I was no longer his trainee would be a very poor decision. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to stay here either.

I ground my teeth and hefted a stone, then flung it with a little amplification to my strength. Instead of a thump as it hit the tree, I heard a crack. I hurried over and saw that the impact had cratered the trunk, spraying bark all over the ground nearby. The rock itself was embedded into the wood. I pried at it with my fingers, but it wouldn't budge. I swore under my breath. I couldn't leave it like this. I called up my power and tried to yank it loose from the tree.

“Poor tree. Working out some aggression?”

I spun to face the speaker, forgetting that my eyes were glowing. I was caught red handed and green eyed. There was no getting out of this without a memory modification, and that wasn't something I was very good at. I prepared to call Absynthe as the speaker took another step toward me, just as the moon came out from behind a cloud.

Her hair twinkled in the moonlight.

I lost control of my power and twisted it off before any accidents happened. “You actually came.”

Star smiled at me, her hands shoved into her pockets. “I did. Though I'm starting to regret it. It’s pretty cold up here.”

“It gets colder,” I said.

“Maybe I'll have you keep me warm,” she said, taking another step toward me.

I held my hand up in front of her. “Hold on a minute here, I'm taken, remember?”

She walked right into my hand and pressed up against it. “You don't sound too convincing. It didn't seem to slow you down too much last time.”

“Things have changed,” I said. This was exactly the wrong time to meet her again. When would be the right time? Nikki was jealous of the girls I had no interest in, the ones who I hadn't done anything with. What would she be like if she learned about Star?

Her eyes searched mine. “If you say so,” she said. “I had forgotten how gorgeous your eyes are. Does she appreciate you like I do, Kevin?”

I withdrew my hand and took a step back. “Not quite the same way, but I'm sure she does.” Enough to call me a murderer, at least.

“You're sure she does? You sound uncertain.” She smiled again and took another step forward. Her boots crunched leaves underfoot. “In fact, I'm sure you're not sure. That's why you're out here, throwing rocks at trees. Admit it, Kevin. You'd much rather be making love right now.”

“Isn't that a given?” I asked, taking a long step to the side, out of her line of travel. “I mean, I am a guy, after all.”

“Yes. You are,” she said. Her gaze dropped significantly and her smile widened. I felt heat rise to my face, and it had nothing to do with psionics or anger this time.

“You're insatiable,” I said.

She laughed, that same carefree laugh that I had almost forgotten. “I prefer irresistible, personally. Insatiable sounds vulgar. Rude.”

“Fitting,” I said, sidestepping again.

Her laugh floated through the air again. “I like you, Kevin. You've got what it takes. We're going to work well together.”

“Hold on there. I don't remember agreeing to work with you on anything,” I said. “First of all, on the personal level, I've got a girlfriend. Second, on the professional level, I'm part of the Establishment.”

She turned and stepped toward me. “Neither of those matter to me. I wanted to come up here and talk to you. You agreed. I'm here. Remember?”

“I remember, but things change!”

She stepped up to me and put a hand on my chest. “Things do change,” she said quietly. “I knew that when I came here, things might be different. You might be more involved with your Establishment. I might be in danger when I came to meet you. Am I, Kevin? Are you going to call for help? Turn me in?”

I shook my head. “No! Of course not. I did ask you to come here. I do want to hear what you have to say. That hasn't changed.”

“Good! I didn't want to have to twist you.” She smiled, then stepped around me and took my arm before I could protest. “Let's go for a walk. We can chat. Maybe you can show me around your school.”

“I don't think it's a good idea if we get too close to the campus,” I said.

“Think your girlfriend will catch us?” She squeezed my arm and led me across the park, away from the school.

“No, I just think it's dangerous if any of the Establishment people find you here,” I said. “My old trainer is already pissed off at me. If he catches me with you, he'll kill me. That's enough motivation for me to stay far away.”

“They'll find out I'm here soon enough,” she said. “You were using your powers. They'll be watching and trying to figure out who you're with. Once they figure it out, I'll have to run. We have twenty minutes, a half hour at most. That doesn't give me enough time to do any of the things I really want to do to you. I'm disappointed. I bet you are too.”

I placed the back of my free hand to my forehead. “How will I ever survive?”

She laughed again. “Tease. So, Kevin, what have you learned lately?”

I glanced over at her. She was leading me somewhere, not looking right at me. “I learned how it feels to kill someone,” I said.

“You get used to it,” she said.

I flinched at her cavalier tone. “I don't know about that. It was six weeks ago and I haven't stopped having nightmares about it.”

She glanced at me, met my gaze for a moment, and smiled. “The first time is the worst. I had nightmares too. The next time wasn't as bad. It gets easier. That's the worst part about it. At some point it gets too easy.”

“You've killed people,” I said.

“Yes.”

“A lot of people?”

She shrugged and huddled closer to me. “It's cold here. Really cold.”

“It gets easier?”

“The more you do anything, the easier it gets, and the better you get at it. You're still hung up on it.” She stopped dead and pulled on my arm until I looked her in the eye. “Why?” she asked.

I told her the story, in full, not leaving anything out. I told her more than I had told Alistair Ripley. She listened, and when I ran out of words, placed her hands on my cheeks, just like Nikki had. “I don't know what else I could have done,” I said.

“And that's why you're going to be ok,” she said. “Because you have feelings. Because you're a good person. Kevin, you're going to kill again. That's something that happens with us, with who we are and what we do. Sometimes there'll be accidents. Sometimes you'll have to decide to kill someone. I don't think you'll do it unless it's the last resort.” She smiled and let her hands drift down to my shoulders. “You're a better person than I am, Kevin. Maybe I'm crazy, thinking I have a chance with someone like you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that you're a good guy at heart, and I'm not a good girl. You don't know the things I've done.” She shivered again, and I didn't think it was from the cold.

“Why? What have you done that's so terrible?”

“I'm not going to tell you the stories now. There's not enough time, and I don't think they'll make you feel any better about your own situation. Trust me on that.”

“Fine, but answer me this question, at least.” Her eyes narrowed and her grip on my shoulders tightened. “Do you remember them?”