The Fire Mages' Daughter (20 page)

Her lips quirked a little, but she said nothing.

I caught the hesitation. “It is going well, the war?”

A lift of the shoulders. “Very well. Perhaps too well. No opposition at all. We be seeing their little tents here and there but the people – they be melting away like puddles. But sooner or later – they be coming back.”

“Everything seems very well-prepared here.”

“Oh, yes. But the supply lines are long…”

That had always been my worry, penetrating so far into the Clanlands. But it was done now, and there was no use worrying over what couldn’t be changed.

“I am sure you will prevail, High Commander. Do you have any message for the Most Powerful?”

“We be needing more horses, Highness. More soldiers, too, but I already be having my answer to that. And the wood. Supplies are being delayed.”

“I will tell her.”

~~~~~

Every step of the journey was terrifying. The horses were too slow, the escort too small, the archers too inexperienced, the road too exposed. I refused to stop until the light was almost gone, and then I was up again with the sun, ready to carry on. And always I was looking back, scanning the sky for the distant specks of eagles gaining on us.

It was my eagle who saved my sanity during the fraught journey.
Sunshine
. A strange name, but she had such a warm personality, it was appropriate, perhaps. She refused to leave me, no matter how often I urged her to return to her home. I suppose with Ly’s mother no longer able to connect with her, she had attached herself to me as a substitute. She was always there, wheeling overhead, something familiar for me to latch onto.

I searched many times for Ly’s consciousness, but he was never there. He must have recovered his magic by now, so I presumed his absence was from choice. He seemed to be able to connect or disconnect at will, but I was not sure I could do the same. I was always aware of the eagle, even when I was not particularly focused on her. And Ly had woken me from sleep once, through the connection. I was fairly sure I could not do the same to him.

The eagle was a great comfort to me. Through her eyes, I could scan the road, and she willingly turned her head to view the sky behind her. That way I could check constantly for pursuit. But despite my fears, it never came.

Eventually we crossed the border and reached the fortress, where my exhausted escort planned to hand me over to fresher troops. I was exhausted myself. Ly’s magic had buoyed me for many suns, but now it was gone and I was lapsing into my habitual state of illness. Weak and dizzy, I could barely stay on my horse. But I had to keep moving. I had to get back to the Keep. Only there would I be safe.

As soon as we reached the stable yard and my horse stopped moving, a figure shot out of an upper room, hurtling down the steps. I had barely dismounted and handed away the reins when I was wrapped in a rib-crunching embrace.

“Thank all the gods!” a muffled voice said, the face buried in my shoulder.

I chuckled. “Mother! What are you doing here?”

Her head shot up, and she glared at me. “My daughter was captured by barbarians. Do you think I could sit at home waiting for a letter?” Then another fierce hug, and a longer gaze. “Ah, you are not well. Here…”

She held her hand to my face. Oh, the bliss of magic streaming into me. I felt better almost at once. And somehow her magic felt purer than Ly’s, as if it had greater clarity, like a mountain stream.

Cal was there too, with hugs of his own, and for once I was truly glad to see him. Poor Cal, I’d always resented him when I was a child, and only because he was not my real father. I felt he was pretending, trying to take my father’s place, but maybe I’d misjudged him. Whenever my clinginess had got too much for my mother and she’d pushed me away, it was Cal who’d scooped me up and carried me out to the garden, even in the snow sometimes, and held me until the tears dried up.

Now I saw the genuine pleasure on his face.

But there was no time to linger over the reunion. Fresh horses were found for us, and a new escort, and within an hour we were off again, although at a slower pace. Mother was not the world’s best horsewoman.

It didn’t matter. It was good to be together as a family again, all three of us. For the first time since I’d left Ly sleeping, I felt safe. I knew my mother could protect me from anything.

I had to tell my story over and over. Mother and Cal had heard the bones of it as we rode to Kingswell. Now I had to explain it to everyone else: first Yannassia alone, then with ever increasing numbers of advisors. Eventually I would have to appear before the Nobles’ Council, but I was spared that ordeal for now. I told the truth, but as always I blurred the details of what had happened with Ly-haam. It was a private matter, between the two of us, or so I told myself.

No one questioned me too deeply. In truth, they were bemused by it all, by the eagle, my kidnap and escape, my strange relationship with Ly. They didn’t understand it, but then I didn’t understand it very well myself. He had explained why I was drawn to him, by his magic, but why he was even more drawn to me was a mystery. And he had changed me, that first time we were together, and I hadn’t worked out the implications of that yet.

To my delight, Mother and Cal were to stay on for a while.

“We want to make sure you are fully recovered from your ordeal,” Mother said.

We sat nibbling cakes with Yannassia and Vhar-zhin after all the advisors had gone. Mother tucked in with enthusiasm – she loved her cakes – but although these were my favourites, they seemed impossibly sweet to me now. I thought wistfully of Ly’s simple foods – the flavourful stews and roasts, the texture of the breads, a different type for each meal. I abandoned the cake, licking the sugar off my fingers.

“We’re going to do some research in the Imperial City library while we’re here,” Cal added. “Do you want to come and stay with us in the mages’ house?”

“There is no need for that,” Vhar-zhin said, leaning forward and patting my hand. “I will take good care of her. You will come home now, I presume?”

“Home?” I said stupidly.

“To our apartment.”

“But… I have my own apartment, Vhar.”

“That was
his
,” she said scornfully. “You have had such a bad experience with that man, surely you will not want to go back there to be reminded of him?”

I hadn’t thought of it in that way before. It was true that my own apartment reminded me of Arran, and I’d been miserable there after he’d gone. Perhaps it would be better to go back to a place with only good memories?

“I’d be happier if you were with Vhar,” Mother said. “You shouldn’t be on your own.”

That settled it. I trotted off with Vhar-zhin, who babbled happily about scented baths and massage oils and a pretty new gown that was too large for her but would fit me perfectly. I let her rattle on. Her voice was melodic and soothing. My nerves had been stretched to breaking point over the last ten-sun or so, with the revelations about Arran, and then the kidnapping. I was more than happy to be pampered and spoiled for a change.

At the apartment, I was whisked off to bathe, while servants fetched clothes and hairbrushes and shoes from the other apartment. Then there was a meal laid out to tempt my appetite.

“You will not want to eat formally tonight,” Vhar-zhin said. “Not after such an ordeal. We can be cosy here together, just the two of us. This is so pleasant, do you not agree?”

“Yes, it is,” I murmured. But everything was too rich or too spicy or too salty for my taste, and I hadn’t the energy to eat anyway. I suppressed a yawn.

Vhar-zhin jumped up. “You are tired, dear one. Let us go to bed.”

Obediently, I followed her through to the bedroom, and began to undress.

“No, no,” she said. “Let me do it. There! These buttons are so much easier for me to manage.”

She patiently unfastened and loosened and untied, sliding my arms out of sleeves, and helping me out of the gown she’d put me in. Then it was undergarments.

I can’t quite say when it was I began to feel uncomfortable, or what caused me to feel that way. Perhaps it was the time she was taking, lingering over each ribbon and button. Or perhaps it was the intensity in her, which was unlike her usual calmness.

But by the time she stroked my breast and then cupped it in her hand, I was already unsettled.

“What are you doing, Vhar?”

“Just admiring you, dear. You have a lovely shape, and see how soft your skin is.”

“Vhar, are you making love to me?”

She lifted big eyes to my face. “I should very much like to, if you will let me.”

“I—” I waved helpless hands at her. How could she misunderstand me so completely? “Vhar, I don’t want this.”

“Dearest, you do not know what you want, not really. You have tried men, and look how badly that turned out. Lathran… Arran… this boy god of yours. They have all used you and cast you aside. But I will never do that, because I truly love you. See how good it can be.”

And she reached up, arms around me, and kissed me on the mouth. The last thing I wanted was to upset her, for I’d missed her gentle companionship, and my exhaustion was overwhelming my resistance, but I had to stop her. As gently as I could, I pushed her away and disentangled her arms.

“Vhar, dear, this is not what I want. I love you very much, as a sister, but not in any other way.”

“You would like it if you tried it. Just once, to please me?”

“No. I’m sorry, Vhar, but no. Please don’t cry.”

“Why will you not even try?” she sobbed. “We could be so happy together, you and I. We would not need anyone else, just each other. It would be perfect.”

“It might be perfect for you, dear one, but not for me. Arran was perfect for me.”

“But he betrayed you!”

“He made a mistake, that is all.” I ran a hand over my face, too weary for such a discussion. If only I could crawl into bed and pretend this had never happened. Yet I couldn’t leave things hanging between us. It would be wrong to allow her false hope. “Vhar, understand once and for all, I
love
Arran. I’ve loved him for a long time, he made me very happy and I can’t erase that overnight. I don’t want to! Those times are amongst my happiest memories. But if it wasn’t Arran, it would be someone else. Some other
man
. I’ve never looked at a woman in that way, never felt a tenth of what I felt when I was with Arran. It just isn’t in me. So please don’t ever approach me like this again. And now I should like to go to bed.”

Silently, she brought me a nightgown, and I crept onto my side of the bed, keeping to the very edge of it. So many times we’d curled up together and fallen asleep wrapped in each other’s arms, in all innocence, or so I’d thought. When had she started thinking of me differently? How long had she watched me with the eyes of a lover, wanting to touch, to caress, to taste? And all the time I’d thought of her only as my cousin and my best friend.

She extinguished all but the nightlamp, and slipped into her side of the bed. There we lay, far apart, turned away from each other, trying to sleep. Tears dampened my pillow, as I wept for the closeness we’d once had, and perhaps had lost for ever. And I wept, too, for the love I was incapable of giving her, the love she deserved. I stared into the darkness, listening to the silence from the other side of the bed.

~~~~~

I woke late, puffy-eyed and lethargic. Vhar-zhin was gone, my clothes tidied away, and three fresh outfits laid out for me to choose from. I looked at the simple trousers and tunics with distaste. I summoned the servants.

“Bring me some gowns. And something for my hair – combs or some such.”

In the bathing room, servants had already filled the tub with steaming hot water, and set out an array of soaps and towels for me. I chose the roughest kind, as if I could wash away all my difficulties with vigorous scrubbing.

Then I was arrayed in an elegant gown, my hair carefully combed and scented and arranged, my nails trimmed and buffed. I didn’t normally wear gowns, but something in me had changed over the last ten-sun. I couldn’t say what it was: Ly-haam, perhaps, or Vhar-zhin, or maybe it was losing Arran. Whatever it was, I had been pushed and pulled about by the gods far too much lately. I’d felt like a tiny boat bobbing about on a great ocean, buffeted by the whims of other people and the lure of magic. But at last, I was home, I was myself again and I wanted to face the world at my best.

In the big sitting-room, Vhar-zhin was waiting for me, a table set with fruits and pastries and cooked dishes sitting on burners to keep hot. She sprang up as I entered, her face anxious. Guilty, even.

“Dearest! I have morning board for you. Will you eat something?”

I stared at her. So many times we’d shared a meal like this, giggling over some trivial little joke, or discussing the events of that sun. Now all I could think of was her hand on my breast, her lips on mine.

“No, I’ll eat in my apartment.”

Her face crumpled, but I could offer her no sympathy. There was nothing I could say or do that would assuage the hurt she felt. I knew what it was like to lose a dream of love. I had to live with my lost love, and she had to live with hers.

I collected Cryalla from outside the apartment door. Her eyes swept up and down, taking in the gown and the more elaborate hair, but she said nothing. It was not a bodyguard’s place to comment. But I fancied there was a softening about her eyes, as if she understood something of my feelings.

She was not much older than I was, and I wondered if she had a lover tucked away somewhere, a fellow guard, perhaps. Was there a child, left with her mother or a sister? I’d never thought about her before. Well, I’d never been interested enough to ask. My eyes had always been on the high nobles of the Council, the diplomats and ambassadors. And the Drashona’s own family and retinue, of course. But as we walked along the corridor, Cryalla tucked in behind me, I chided myself for my inattention, and determined that I would make the effort to get to know her better.

Within moments my new resolution turned to dust. When I reached my own apartment, there was a figure at the door, deep in animated discussion with one of the servants. A familiar man’s figure.

My heart turned over, and without conscious thought my feet sped up.

“Arran?”

He turned, his face lighting up with pleasure. “Drina! Thank all the gods you are safe! I was so worried, my love. Let me look at you. You look tired, a little drawn. It must have been such an ordeal for you. Yet you escaped. My brave girl!”

Gods, I was so happy to see him. I forgot Ly-haam and Vhar-zhin, forgot everything but Arran’s handsome face, his wide smile, his hair curling about his cheeks. I giggled like a girl, my cheeks aflame.

“But you look lovely,” he went on, his eyes roving up and down. “I so enjoy seeing you in a gown, my little flower. It suits you admirably, with your figure.”

I couldn’t speak. I could barely breathe. When he called me
‘his little flower’
and looked at me with such affection – such
love
– in his eyes, I wanted nothing more than to surrender myself to his strong arms. I wanted him to sweep me up and carry me to bed and make sweet love to me.

Cryalla coughed discreetly. “Perhaps inside the apartment, Highness?”

We were all still standing in the corridor, my steward pretending not to notice what was going on, several other servants inside the apartment goggling at us.

I giggled again. I know I had a huge grin across my face. “Yes, let us go inside. Sharanna, something to eat, if you please. And wine. We will take morning board in the blue room.”

The steward whisked away to give orders to the kitchen, herding the other servants before her. Cryalla followed us to the door of the blue room, then took up her accustomed position outside the door.

Inside, I spun round to look at him by the sunlight streaming in from an arched window. The sun glimmered on strands of his hair, turning them to golden filigree. He looked wonderful. But I couldn’t just fall into his arms. I summoned all my reserves of self-control. Deep breath. And another.

“So how are you, Arran?”

“I am well, as you see. All the better for seeing you safely restored to us.”

“And your wife? And the little one?”

A pause. “They are well. But…” He sighed. “We fell out somewhat. After… well, what happened. I was… upset without you. And then you disappeared, and I was so… I could not eat or sleep, for worrying about you. Then Silla was upset. And my father was cross with me, for spoiling everything with you, for not protecting you. Maybe if I had been here…”

“It was my fault I was kidnapped, not yours,” I said gently. “You could not have prevented it. Here, sit beside me.” I plumped myself down on one of the elegant sofas he’d chosen and patted the seat.

With a wry smile, he sat, legs neatly folded, not touching me. “I… I have sent her back to Hexmore, to my family. She will be better there, with people around her, and her own kin nearby.”

He ran a hand across his face, head drooping. “Oh Drina, I have made such a mess of my life. It was so good with you, and now I have ruined everything, and all because I put off telling you about Silla.”

“It was more than that,” I said sharply.

His head shot up. “What else?”

“You lied to me! You told me the pregnancy was an accident—”

“So it was!”

“—and it happened last year, after you were sent away.”