The First Book of Calamity Leek (29 page)

‘You mean I should touch Mother?'

‘Hold her back.'

‘We ain't allowed to touch Mother, Annie.'

Annie stared at me, her face all dotted black and dripping wet with tears. And I knew it then. It was a dream I was in, nothing more. In a moment my demonmale would turn up, flapping his red ears and trouble-starting like always, and after that I was going to wake up safe in the dorm with the Communicator bing-bonging and Aunty singing ‘Oh what a beautiful morning', with Evita's porridge pot set on the table, and our milk bowls around it, waiting for our hands to jump right in. Truly might even be back. Yes, Truly would be back, kicking and giggling in her sleep next to me. I smiled at Annie. ‘Everything's going to be all right.'

But Annie didn't hear me. She was shoving at sixteen-year-old Emily till she dangled off her plinth and was only held up by Annie's hand on her belly.

Mother's chair came screeching up behind.

‘OI!' Mother shouted. ‘OI! YOU! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING TO MY DAUGHTER?'

Annie let go her hand.

And sixteen-year-old Emily fell off the plinth and crashed down on Mother.

Mother went ‘UUU.'

Her gun thumped down on the path and went BANG.

Sixteen-year-old Emily bounced off Mother onto the path and went CRACK.

Mother went, ‘UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.'

Sixteen-year-old Emily's head cracked off her neck and rolled into the yew roots.

And Annie ran.

‘My baby!' Mother cried, leaping out of her chair to go scrabbling under the yews for Emily's head. She snatched it up to her mouth and she kissed Emily's soiled lips. ‘My poor broke baby!' Mother tucked up Emily's head in her arms, and she tipped back her face, and she let out a howl at Heaven.

And just then, in this most terrible moment, it is strange to say it, but the most miracle thing happened. Mother's black glasses slid down her nose and I was shown her eyes.

Yes.

But here's the thing. Maybe it was the black smoke covering the sky lid doing it, or maybe it was Mother's grief and disappointment, or happen it was me, looking when I shouldn't – because a slug shouldn't bother a rose – but I watched them eyes, and I waited for them to shine gold at me, like Aunty's special medicine, or like a fresh-cracked egg, or a comb of perfect honey. But I am sorry to say, they didn't shine at me, not once they didn't. There was no gold in them eyes that I could see. No, Mother's eyes that I saw were made up of dead-leaf, compost-crust brown.

I was woken from staring by Annie's arm bashing the van door as she ran round it. Mother was woken too. She stopped crying at Heaven. She dropped Emily's head, and went scrabbling for her gun.

‘OI! COME BACK HERE, YOU WORM!' Mother shouted, pointing the gun's eye up the path. ‘I'LL GET YOU, YOU SEE IF I DON'T.'

But then she didn't bother to shoot it, because Annie was already gone.

And me? Well, happen I've probably told you there's no need to bother, but if you really want to know what happened to me, well, I couldn't stand there looking at sixteen-year-old Emily's bodyless head, and Mother's eyes that had lost their gold, could I? No, my legs turned my head around for the safety of the dorm, and I set off running.

It was somewhere south of the Lawn, in the Glamis Castle rows, that I heard the bang in the air and I felt the thud in my left thigh. My leg stopped running and my body tipped over into the soil. And it was just like being a stuck pig, just like. I touched on my thigh and plummy blood pumped out.

WELL, THIS WAS
no good, was it? My face in rose roots and smoke all about me. Everything in my skull shrinking fast as a salted snail. And roaring. Yellow roaring everywhere. But never mind, it was nice and warm, so my head stopped thinking and had a little sleep.

My leg woke me, spinning sore. And my throat, crusted up for need of a drink. But here's the funny thing. Seems that Kathy Selden cat woke me too, crying in my ear.

‘Go away, Kathy Selden,' my mouth told her. ‘Go away, Kathy.'

But she didn't.

I got half an eye open. Black rose canes and roaring fire. Kathy rubbing off hot stripes onto my face and crying at me. But that cat couldn't be in Bowels, could it? Which is where I was – that was clear and certain now – I had been dragged down to Bowels and I was waiting to get put on my spit, and there sure wasn't no mention in the Appendix of cats being allowed in Bowels.

Hot. Very hot. I lifted my face into the roaring. Weren't no mention of Bowels being so noisy neither. Nor so choking.

So my head got thinking then. One sister knew all about Bowels, didn't she?

‘Truly Polperro?' I called. ‘Truly Polperro, if you're not too busy on your spit, do you know if there's any water about?'

But Truly didn't answer. The only one with an answer was that bothersome cat, crashing its head against mine and crying. But there ain't nothing for a cat to do in Bowels, so I tried to shoo it off. I tried calling Truly again, to ask her to find some bug for that cat to play with, but she didn't answer.

But just then, that cat turned and started running down the path away from me. And it was then I realised it – Truly must have sent that cat to show me to my spit. That's what. ‘All right then, cat,' I said, and I set off after it, slithering on my belly, dragging my deadmeat leg slow as a slug down the path.

Funny thing was, we arrived at some place the Deceiving Devil had copied just like the yard. It had the standpipe and dorm and everything. But I weren't fooled, oh no. It was the Devil's fence that the flames were chewing on, the Devil's latrines that were burning orange, and the Devil's dorm that the flames were heading for.

Beneath the noise of screaming pigs and chomping flames, I heard coughing and crying. Bodies on spits, that would be, roasting in a row in the Devil's dorm. Females turning and melting and dripping their fat into trays beneath. The door all bolted down.

‘Well, thank you, cat, for bringing me all this way and leaving me locked out of the dorm,' I said. Though I could hear busy sobbing going on inside, so I reckoned I'd probably be let in soon enough to cook. Meantime, I reckoned
on having a watch of the pretty flames right where I was lying, on the concrete by the sundial.

‘Good idea,' the cat said in my ear, with a hiccupy giggle.

‘Truly Polperro?' I said. ‘Is that you? Have you been hiding in that catskin all this time?'

Truly giggled and shook off some charred fur.

‘How is it, Truly? How is it in Bowels?'

Truly arched her back and bashed against me.

‘You know I never sent you to Bowels with my tea with Aunty. You do know that, don't you, Truly?'

Truly pressed up to my ear. ‘Never mind that now, Clam,' she said, ‘we're a bit busy down here today, so I'm afraid you're going to have to wait for your spit. There's lots of others to do first.'

‘Who?' I said, listening to the crying in the Devil's dorm. ‘Who's to do?'

‘Just some naughty sisters, Clam. Never you mind about them. While you're waiting, why don't you have a rest under a barrow – like the composting barrow by the Hole door – that would do you nicely, Clam. It's cool in there. Smoke-free.'

‘Thank you, Truly.'

‘No bother, Clam.'

Off she ran, and off my belly went, slithering along the Devil's yard. It was a slug-slow drag I made. Them sisters were sobbing in the dorm, and flames were dancing themselves about my eyes. ‘I didn't think Bowels would be so noisy, Truly,' I said.

But Truly didn't answer me. Happen she was already nosying elsewhere.

The barrow was perfect for worming under. Hands tipped
it over – CRASH! All in safe but for one deadmeat leg, and I weren't too bothered if the flames burned that one off. It was so warm under that barrow that my eyes closed.

Now, I hadn't slept for more than three rabbiting seconds when somebody was wanting something.

PAM PAM PAM
outside the barrow.

‘I am sleeping,' I shouted out. ‘Please come back later.'

PAM PAM PAM
and a voice shouting, ‘What was crashing? Who is shouting out there?'

‘I am shouting out here,' I shouted back from the barrow dark. ‘Truly Polperro, if that's you still playing at being a cat, I ain't for it no more, thank you. Please show me your proper sisterly face or go back and get on your spit. Goodnight.'

Well, that shut her up. Weren't nothing for another rabbiting second. Then it came back, the voice, all hot and bothered and roaring, ‘It is Maria Liphook! I am locked in the Hole. If that is a sister out there, unlock my door at once.'

‘Hello, Maria Liphook,' I shouted back, ‘it's Calamity Leek! Have you been dragged down to Bowels too? You met Truly yet?'

‘Calamity?' It came like a sadness. ‘Is that you?' That sadness again, ‘Just you? Well, listen, Calamity, come quick and unlock this door before we all get burned.'

‘'Fraid I can't. And please don't shout so.'

PAM PAM PAM
. ‘Unlock this door.'

‘My leg ain't for moving no more, Maria. Sorry, I'm waiting for my spit. Are you waiting for yours?'

Three nice quiet rabbiting seconds.

‘CALAMITY LEEK!'
PAM PAM PAM
. ‘COME AND UNLOCK THIS DOOR!'

‘Please go away, Maria, my leg hurts.'

‘Clam, you must unlock this door.'

PAM PAM PAM
. ‘CLAM, UNLOCK THE DOOR!'
PAM PAM PAM
. ‘CLAM, UNLOCK THIS DOOR NOW!'

Well, that
PAM PAM PAM
ing went on, noisy enough to smash up my brain. Bowels turned to silent black nothing a while. Then Bowels came back, dancing white hot. The
PAM PAM
ing had stopped. And in my barrow quiet, them words of Truly rushed back to my brain –

‘Just some naughty sisters, Clam.'

Whose sisters? my brain asked.

‘Whose sisters, Truly?' I shouted out.

‘Truly? Whose sisters are locked in the dorm?'

But Truly didn't answer me.

The only answer was something crashing down outside.

Well.

Well, weren't nothing for it then. There really weren't.

Come on, Calamity's deadmeat body, pull yourself out from under this barrow quicksharp. Out to where it is bright and screaming and too hot to breathe. Never mind breathing, Calamity, there are sisters locked in there.

Come on, Calamity Leek's slug body, slither to the Hole door.

Slither, Calamity, slither. Reach for the bolt.

Too high. Come on, hands, pull this deadmeat leg up the door. Quick, quick, quick. Come on, leg, hold on, will you?

Well. Happen that one leg of mine was good enough for a second or two standing. Pain squealed up the other leg, setting my head to spinning.

Never mind that, ain't a head you need, Calamity, it's hands. Come on, hands, you'll be cooked soon enough, so don't you mind wiggling off the hot bolt quick quick quick.

Done.

The Hole door swung open and slapped me with cold air. My body fell in.

Maria Liphook caught me. She looked quizzical at my leg.

‘Chop it off,' I said, but she didn't hear. I was being carried down someplace cool. Which was mighty odd. There being no place cool in Bowels.

‘What, Clam?'

‘There ain't no place cool in Bowels.'

My head turned inside out to blackness.

When I woke up, the air was filled with pigs and hens and sisters. My sisters. Maria Liphook was flapping furs at flames, like she had grown wings. Bodies were racing buckets from the standpipe, jumping over pigs and hens, throwing water at the fence, at the dorm, at the latrines.

Someone was shouting about a big injun coming down through the roses pouring out water. It could have been Maria Liphook, or maybe it was Truly Polperro come back to have a nosy, or happen it was Emily woken up and ready to start buzzing in my ear again. But injuns don't pour water. And Emily was in Heaven, wasn't she? She died and ascended straight up to Heaven when she was four years old. Emily wouldn't ever be in Bowels.

I had to laugh then. I had to laugh out loud.

Because this was Bowels. That's what we were in. The Devil's Bowels had come to the Garden. That's what had happened, I knew it now, for sure and certain. We had made a hole in the Wall and the Devil brought His Bowels in to us. And my silly running sisters didn't know it. They weren't ever going to stop them flames.

HANDS LIFTED ME
onto white cloth.

‘Not ready for the spit,' I told them.

Demonmale faces, big-boned as cows, their voices rumbling thunder. ‘What's she saying? Easy there, Calamity, is it? Lie still now, love.'

I was moving out of the yard. One cloud sat helpless above me in a Sunny sky. A stink of roasted pig and wood everywhere. So many demonboils bobbling about, that my mouth couldn't do nothing but moan. They were carting me to the spit, and there weren't one thing I could do to stop them.

Annie's voice came close in my ear, ‘Hush, Clam, the men are helping us. They're going to take you somewhere to make you better.' Annie's face was bouncing by the side of me, Annie St Albans, who had run away from Bowels and who was back now, her hand laid on my head.

The demonmales crunched their boots through the steaming black Glamis Castle stumps. Our white rosy army turned to nothing but puddles. We were in the Sacred Lawn now, shrunk down and melted eighteen-year-old
Emily watched us go. Black tears were dripping off her melted eyes. Tears for being left behind with us to burn in Bowels. Ruined, like we all were now.

My leg was bounced so sore, I said may as well chop it off now as roast it later. Chop it off. But they didn't listen to me, these demonmales.

Crunch and crunch the demonboots went up the burned yew path. The yews frazzled to crackling stumps, like crow bones with their wings burned off.