Her mouth dropped open.
“Everything is too hard with you. I like my girls easy and drama free.”
“But...the other night...was so nice...and in the laundry room you said that when I was at college you wanted me to remember that you wished things could be different when I thought of you.”
“I was probably tired and it was hard to think straight with you in your bra and panties. Guys will say anything when they’ve got a boner.”
“But...”
It was taking every bit of strength I had to push her away, to hurt her the way that I was doing. But if I didn’t, if I stuck around and she ended caught in a web Chanos spun, if she got hurt or worse, I couldn’t take it. I had to get her out of my life. I loved her and I wanted to protect her, but I would do that from a distance. When she called my name in a pleading whisper, I said, “Jesus, Tana. Do I have to spell it out for you? There’s someone else.”
“I don’t believe you. I thought...”
“You thought because we screwed a few times that we had a relationship. And let me guess. You’re in love with me even after I told you not to let that happen.” I rubbed my hand on the steering wheel.
“I
am
in love with you.”
How the demons of my past must be rejoicing that what I’d wanted all my life...a home...love...and a family...would always be beyond my reach. “I don’t love you. If you get horny and want a fuck, you can call me. If I’m not busy with another girl—”
She choked back a sob, opened the door and got out, slamming the door before I finished. She ran into the house.
Two down. The pain in my heart felt like someone turned an alligator loose inside my body and he was going for the death roll. I was drowning in the pain. I drove away and before I even reached the stop sign at the end of her street, I had to pull over to collect myself. The Spiderman figure stared sightlessly at me in mocking reminder of what I’d lost. I put it in the glovebox and drove on to finish breaking all the hearts I needed to break.
Chapter Twenty-Five
TANA
By the weekend following Ryan taking my heart apart and then stomping on the pieces, Mom was able to return home. I was ecstatic to have her back. She was frail and she moved slowly and carefully but she was alive and she was home. The second I had her settled on the sofa with pillows and an ottoman for her feet, she dropped a bomb on me. “Your college tuition is paid for your first year. I expect you to leave at the end of August like we’d planned.”
“Mom! That’s two weeks from now. You just came home. I can’t leave. You need me. Mark needs me.”
“Oh honey, we’ll both always need you, but only because you’re a part of our family. Not because you have to fix things or save us. Leena is coming by tomorrow to take you shopping for some of the things you’ll need for your dorm.”
“But...Mom...” I started crying.
“Tana, honey. It would break my heart if you stayed.”
“If I go...and something happens...how could I live with myself for not being here?”
“You couldn’t prevent what happened even by being here.” She shifted and then settled back. “We will not live our lives waiting for what-if to happen.”
The doorbell rang and I wiped my eyes and went to answer. Mama Leena, Destiny, and several of Mom’s coworkers filed into the house bearing containers of food, flowers, balloons and gift bags. Following the group into the kitchen, I squeezed beside Mama Leena and casually asked her how Ryan was.
She tensed, then lowered her head and shook it. “That boy is in a world of hurting right now but I can’t reach him. He’s gone.”
“Gone?”
“He moved out. I don’t know where he’s staying.”
“Why would he move out?”
“Because I told him he couldn’t be in the gang and stay at my house.”
“He’s in the gang?”
Mama Leena looked at her watch. “He will be. Abraham said the jumping in is this afternoon.”
I tugged at her arm. “I’m angry with him for keeping what he knew about Mom’s shooting from me and how he talked to me the last time I saw him but that doesn’t mean I don’t care what happens to him. We have to stop it. We have to save him.”
She covered my hand with hers and refused to move. “No, Tana. You cannot force someone to make good choices. They have to realize it and want it on their own. Ryan has to find the strength to save himself.”
“I have to—”
“Let him go. That’s what you have to do and it’s the only thing you can do. When I first met Ryan, he was a mess of hurt and anger. I’ve seen him change and grow. Underneath all that swagger and mouth of his, I believe there’s a good man. But he’s got to choose to be that man. You understand?”
“I love him. I can’t let him...”
“He didn’t choose you, Tana.”
I gasped at the pain her words caused. Her eyes filled with sympathy and she hugged me. “I’m sorry, honey. I know that’s difficult to hear. But you go on about your life and maybe things will work out. The worst thing in the world you can do is stick around waiting for him to make a U-turn he might never make.”
“Hey!” Shelby walked into the kitchen carrying a cake and slid it onto the counter. “I’m coming with you and Leena tomorrow. I’m so excited to be your roommate! Think of all the parties and the boys.”
I darted my eyes at Mama Leena. Shelby’s smile faded. “Study parties and the boys will be study partners.”
Mama Leena rolled her eyes. “Don’t act like I was born last night. I’ll pick you tomorrow at 8 sharp.” She gave a long look at Shelby and then left.
“Sorry about that.” Shelby was practically bouncing. “Remember Isaiah? That cute senior who asked you out a few times?”
“Uh huh,” I said absently while tearing the plastic from a stack of paper plates.
“He’s going to be one of our neighbors. Co-ed dorms. That boy is built like a fantasy. Did we luck up or what?”
“I thought Patriot Hall was girls only.”
“They changed it this year, lucky us.” She snagged my hand and did a shimmy dance around the room. “It’s time to have fun and let loose.”
“Sure.”
She dropped my hand. “I know about Ryan and it sucks, but you have to start living again.”
“I’m trying, but I love him.” I poured us both some Coke and then added ice. “I keep going over it in my head and it doesn’t make sense. Why wouldn’t he have told me what he knew? He hid it for some reason. Ryan’s always been steady. As good as his word. He doesn’t talk to me the way that he did.”
“Maybe he was steady and all that because you hadn’t slept with him and then after sex, everything changed and he didn’t have to try so hard to be nice.”
Ouch. That hurt
. “I don’t believe that. I wish I could talk to him, but Mama Leena doesn’t know where he’s at.”
Shelby glanced away with a guilty tinge covering her cheeks.
“Do you know?”
“Brooklyn said he’s been sleeping in the office at the garage.”
I knew what I needed to do. “Thanks. Maybe I’ll go see him. At least tell him that I’m leaving.”
“Don’t get mad at me for saying this, but are you sure he’ll even care?”
I lowered my head, letting my hair swing forward to cover the sides of my face. I wasn’t sure if he cared or not. But it wasn’t about him. I needed closure. I needed more than the ugly things he’d said to me. I needed to know the truth and I needed to walk away from him on my terms if this was really the end of our friendship and anything else that might have been.
*
RYAN
The afternoon was hot and muggy. I’d shown up for the jump in before I was supposed to. I wanted to get it over with. Sign my soul back over. Not that it mattered to me anymore. What the hell else did I have to lose that I hadn’t already lost?
There were six of us behind a shuttered fast food joint. Chanos, me, and four of the other gang members. All of them decked out in our colors. I knew the drill. The four would hit me over and over again until Chanos said it was enough. If I survived, I was in.
A couple of the guys were wary, expecting me to hit back, but I wouldn’t. This beating meant something different to me than it did to them. I saw it as punishment that didn’t even scratch the surface for paying penance for my crime of allowing my past to taint Tana’s life. I wholly deserved this and more for what had happened to Tana’s mom, for making Tana cry. For breaking her heart.
I’d cut everyone out of my life and had walked around in a numb daze. Not even running the roads until I was too tired to drive another mile had helped. The beating would be a relief. At least then I would feel something and know I was still alive. As soon as I healed from it, I planned to quit the garage so I wouldn’t put Abraham in any danger. Then my life would be like it had been before. Me trying to survive.
“You ready?” Chanos asked with a wide grin. His eyes were bright, eager. He enjoyed the violence.
I nodded and locked my arms by my sides. I deserved every one of the blows. I deserved this life. I had nothing to offer anyone except pain and heartbreak. There was no good within me. Each punch radiated through me as the coppery sent of blood filled my nose. Ragged pain stabbed me in the side, forcing me to exhale sharply. The blows struck me repeatedly until there wasn’t a spot on my body that didn’t ache. I don’t know how long it lasted. It was only when I fell to the ground, slamming my face onto the pavement, the grit digging into my cheekbone, that I realized it was over. I caught one last glimpse of the sun before I couldn’t see anything else. I closed my eyes.
I woke up hours later chilled and alone. I don’t know how many hours had passed until I regained consciousness. I was lying on the floor of Abraham’s office and all the lights were off. Blinking, I tried to see, tried to focus, but it wasn’t easy. One of my eyes was swollen shut and the other felt like someone had taken a hammer to the eye socket.
Reaching up to touch it, pain shot through my side when I moved my arm. It hurt to take a deep breath so I stopped. I vaguely heard someone pounding on the bay doors and calling my name, but when I tried to stand up, I fell and banged the side of my face on the desk. I passed out again.
I woke to more pain jostling me about. Someone had me by the hands and someone else had me by the feet and they carried me from the garage. Juvante. Roman. Ryker. Cooper. They all stared down at me, faces masks of anger. They put me into the back of a car with Clarke and I tried to protest. I’d told them all to stay away from me. From this. “Go home.” I forced the words through my busted lips.
“Shut up before I black your other eye,” Juvante said. He drove old-lady-careful through the streets. “We’re your brothers. You can’t get rid of us.” He raised his eyes to the rearview mirror. “All of us are your family and where the fuck do you get off acting like you’re some goddamn superhero?”
He stopped the car outside of a motel. “Roman, get your ass out and check in. Clarke, rub two brain cells together to get some friction going and tell Ryan what you heard.”
“Chanos is already lining up for the chop shop.”
“That’s not all.” Ryker punched the car door. “Chanos is going to have you packing and jacking as soon as you heal.”
“He’ll use you as muscle.” Cooper added.
This wasn’t news to me. “I know.” I’d known that Chanos would want me to go back to jacking cars. What he didn’t know is that when push came to shove, I had no intention of doing it. I didn’t mind being his muscle and threatening lowlife shits who needed a lesson, but I wasn’t going to steal from or hurt innocent people.
Roman returned with a key and they all helped me into a room. I sank into the bed, thankful to be off the hard garage floor. Juvante took a seat at the small table and leaned forward. “I should have tried to stop you. Now look at you. Going off all Rambo and getting your ass kicked like a schoolgirl.”
I laughed and groaned. “Shit that hurts. Don’t make me laugh.” I licked my lower lip. “Worst part is over.”
Clarke bounced beside me on the bed and I groaned again as the movement jarred my ribs.
“Dumbass, sit on the other bed,” Roman ordered. After Clarke moved, Roman said, “We’ve all talked it over.”
“This isn’t your fight alone,” Ryker said.
“It’s all of us or none of us.”
“You’re not involved. None of you.” I waved my hand. “I took care of it and I’ll take care of Chanos. Everything’s fine.”
“How is everything fine? You broke Mama Leena’s heart, your girl hates you, you’re back in a gang and you got your ass kicked.” Ryker said.
“It’s part of the plan.” I tried to sound tough but it was hard to talk plainly through the busted lips.
“Screw your plan,” Juvante said.
“What are you going to do?” I squinted at Cooper.
It was Ryker who answered. “We’re the neighborhood unwelcome wagon. And we’re going to make that clear to Chanos. He takes you on, he takes us all on.”
I struggled to sit. My head swam and pain stabbed through my side. I fell back onto the bed, bringing my knees up to try and alleviate the pain. “Stay the hell away from Chanos and out of my business. You’ll mess everything up. I have to keep everyone safe.”
Juvante stood. “You don’t keep everyone safe by inviting the devil to live with you. After all this time with Mama Leena, you should have learned that by now.” He stared at the others, then jerked his head toward the door. “Let’s go.”
“Get your beauty sleep, sweetheart,” Ryker said as they filed out.
They left me alone in the hotel room. Fuck! I fumbled for my cell phone and scrolled through the contacts until I reached Zane and told him what was going down.
“Shit. I’d told them I’d be over. Pricks left without me.”
I ended the call and holding my arm against my side, made the slow trek over to the mirror. My reflection wasn’t pretty. I looked as bad on the outside as I hurt on the inside. But worse than that, I had the sinking feeling that despite trying to prevent it, my world was about to blow up and take everyone I loved with it.
Chapter Twenty-Six
TANA
Six o’clock and the house was still packed with people. I’d escaped into the backyard where I swung back and forth on one of the swings on Mark’s playset. I couldn’t believe that I was leaving. Though I was excited at the idea of starting college, starting anew, it felt like something important was ending.