The Five Stages of Falling in Love (5 page)

My chin trembled as I forced the words out. “I had a meeting with Ms. Conway.” Both kids grimaced and I laughed even as more tears fell. “We
have
to be on time for school from now on.”

They both nodded.

“Okay, Mama,” Abby agreed.

“I’m serious, guys. We’re going to be in big trouble if we’re late again.”

“Even you?” Abby asked.

“Even me. Especially me.”

“Okay, we’ll help you in the mornings,” Blake said seriously. I couldn’t help but feel some pride at the responsibility he was willing to shoulder. But I hated it at the same time. I hated that he had to grow up so fast. And I hated it even more that I had to rely on him so heavily.

“Thanks, kiddos.” I hugged them again and held them against me. They smelled like kid-sweat and school. I inhaled the tangy, unpleasant aroma and counted my blessings that they were healthy and here with me. Life was tough right now, but at least we had each other.

I pulled back and let them wander to their seats. I stayed turned around and narrowed my clearer eyes at my oldest daughter.

“Abigail,” I started. I watched her shoulders stiffen at the sound of her full name. She turned around and sunk down to her booster seat, eyes wide and suspiciously innocent. “Are you stealing erasers?”

“Erasers?” she repeated.

“Yes. White board erasers. Are you stealing them?”

She snorted a laugh. “Why would I steal white board erasers?”

I stared intently at her and tried to see through her words. Was she lying? Why would she lie about something like that? Why would she even steal the erasers to begin with?

I let out an exasperated sigh. “I have no idea. But if you are stealing them, you need to stop. I mean it.”

“Mom!” she groaned. “I’m not stealing anything! I promise!”

“
Mmm
.” I couldn’t tell if I believed her or not. “Maybe not, but we’re going to talk about some other things when we get home. You’re in big trouble, little girl.”

I watched her face fall, but this time I could see the guilt written all over her pretty face. She might not have been stealing, but she knew there were other things she had been up to.

I pulled back onto the main road and headed home. Today had been hard enough, but tonight would be worse.

I didn’t know how I would get through disciplining Abby. Or dinner. Or bedtime. All of those felt utterly impossible. But I would have to find a way. They would happen whether I wanted them to or not. Whether I was ready for them or not.

My heart clenched again, but this time I wrestled back the tears.

I had to keep it together at least until I got them to sleep. Then I could lose it again. Then I could drown in my own tears if I wanted. I just needed to get through bedtime first.

Chapter Five

“Stay away from the street!” I looked back to my forward progress just in time to avoid running over a tennis ball and chopping it to bits. I wrestled the lawnmower around it, swooped down to scoop it up and then I retraced my path in chopping, unattractive lines that would have made Grady cringe. I paused completely to yell over the loud rumble of the small engine, “Blake, keep an eye on Lucy and
Jace
!”

He shot me
a thumbs
up and continued to play basketball. I stood there idling for long enough to make sure all of my children were accounted for and alive, before I went back to the task at hand.

Only another month or so of lawn care before I could call it quits for the winter.

Only, that meant snow removal and laying down salt and… was there anything else I needed to do?

Grady had always taken care of the lawn care and outdoor maintenance. He loved being outside and took great pride in our curb appeal. I had left it all up to him. I had never once been curious enough to find out what it all entailed.

And now I felt completely out of my depth. This was just one more task that I needed Grady for, one more reason his absence left this family devastated.

During the summer months, I’d paid a neighbor kid to mow for me. But selfishly he’d applied to universities out of state and eventually had to leave to start his freshman year. It seemed silly to hire someone else when there were only four or five more weeks to go before it would be too cold for grass to grow.

But with only a quarter of the yard mowed, I was starting to second guess my decision to take this on myself.

At least it was finally Saturday. I could enjoy my kids at home without worrying about evil glares from teachers or pitying glances from the other parents. I could gather my children around me and we could hole up in our cozy home without worrying about the outside world until Monday.

“Blake, let Abby play too! Abby, stop kicking Blake!” Of course, there were minor pitfalls to having all the children home.

I chucked the tennis ball over my shoulder, wiped my sweaty brow and went back to work. The sooner I finished the front yard, the sooner I could move the children to the back, away from the street.

It had been a long week. And I’d wanted nothing more than to sleep in until noon, stay in my pajamas for forty-eight hours straight and eat my weight in chocolate.

Unfortunately, the kids didn’t care what I wanted. Except for maybe the chocolate. I bet they would be on board with the chocolate.

So, this morning, I’d forced myself out of bed, made the effort to get dressed in workout clothes and set the children free on what was really a beautiful day. The sun shone hotly in the sky, but the cool autumn breeze kept it from becoming unbearable. The kids needed to burn off some of their wild energy and as they ran around the driveway and yard, squealing and laughing and even fighting some, I was glad I’d made the effort after all.

I jerked the lawnmower to the right, noticing a tall patch of grass I’d somehow missed and then curved it back in front of me. I put a little too much momentum behind the beast of a mower and accidentally sent it careening to my left. A pair of sneakers jumped out of the way just before I made them the mower’s next meal.

The sneakers were attached to legs and I let go of the mower so I could scream at the top of my lungs.
Where had he come from?
The mower sputtered and died without the bar-thingy held down to keep it going.

“Sorry, Liz! I called out your name,” Ben Tyler waved sheepishly. His cheeks were flushed red from his near death experience with my manic mowing. I couldn’t tell if his blush was from the surprising exertion of fleeing for his life or because he was embarrassed to have snuck up on me. Again.

“No, I’m sorry,” I told him. “I didn’t hear you walk up.”

“That much is obvious.” He
chuckled
a deep baritone sound that forced a smile from me.

I glanced over my shoulder and counted my children quickly before turning back to him. He stood there staring at me. So in turn, I stared back. I didn’t know what to say or why he’d made the trek across the property line.

After a few more moments, I felt too awkward to let the silence continue. “Beautiful day!” I wanted to smack my hand over my face. Was there anything more cliché than breaking the ice with weather?

“It is,” he agreed. He wore that arrogant smile he couldn’t seem to get rid of. I didn’t like that smile. And because of that, it made it hard to like him. It was just too cocky, too mischievous. I felt like he knew this great big secret about me that I didn’t even know. “You’re mowing.”

It was a statement not a question and so obvious I couldn’t figure out why he bothered to speak it. “I am,” I conceded. I looked back at my progress and cringed. I was mowing, but not well.

“Looks,
er
, good.” Ben cleared his throat.

I narrowed my eyes on him. “You don’t have to lie. I’m a big girl.”

He ran a hand through his dark hair and grinned at me. “It’s terrible. I’ve never seen someone mow like this before. Is it your first time?”

“No! It is not my first time. I’ve been mowing all fall.”

“I think you should give it up. Hire someone. You’re devaluing my property and I just moved in.”

I laughed before I could stop myself. I couldn’t get over his nerve! Obviously, I was new at this. Obviously, my husband just died so maybe he should give me a break. My insides churned with a confusing mixture of resentment and humor. I was too shocked to be truly angry with him.

“I did hire someone over the summer,” I defended myself, “But he went off to college and left me in the lurch. Selfish bastard.”

It was Ben’s turn to look shocked. That quickly turned into a bark of laughter. “What an insensitive moron.”

“Thank you!” I glanced back at the kids. Blake had organized them into teams, boys against girls. The girls were winning because he had to keep chasing after
Jace
.

“They’re all there,” Ben assured me. I turned my attention back to him. “Four, right?”

“Yep. Four.”

“They look like good ones.”

I took a step back, surprised by the compliment. “Thank you. They are for the most part.”

“You should let me take over.”

“
What?
”

“The mowing.” Ben laughed again. “You should let me take over the mowing.”

“Oh!” I fidgeted in front of him. Usually, I would be running from the awkwardness of this conversation, but there was
a lightness
about Ben that kept me from feeling too self-conscious. I enjoyed that he didn’t taken anything seriously. For the first time in weeks, I didn’t want to banish all other humans from my life forever. “No, that’s alright. I don’t mind doing it, even if I’m not very good at it.”

He stepped up to the mower and gripped the handle. “I don’t mind either. And I’m actually good at it. Go enjoy your kids.”

“Ben, seriously, that’s really nice of you, but I can handle it.” I stepped up to the mower too and grasped the handle in a show of authority and intent.

“Liz, I know you can handle it. That was never in question. Now go enjoy this beautiful day with your beautiful kids.” He bent down and like a pro, started the engine.

It had taken me twenty minutes just to get this stupid thing running earlier!

Then he put his hand over mine and removed it from the handle. “Go,” he smiled at me.

I stumbled back a step and then did as he asked or rather commanded. I walked over to my kids and Blake passed me the ball as if he already knew I would play. The lawnmower growled in the background, creating a roaring soundtrack to our game.

I took a shot and laughed with my kids when the ball flew over the backboard and rolled into our other neighbor’s yard, the
Kents
. Blake and Abby raced after it, while
Jace
hung on my leg and Lucy skipped around in a circle.

I took a deep breath and enjoyed the moment.

When was the last time I’d done this?

When was the last time I’d just let go of all of my grief, my pain, and my stress and just enjoyed being with my children?

I was ashamed to admit, I couldn’t remember. Even before Grady died, he’d been sick. I had been coiled tight for as long as I could remember. My lungs felt coated with rust and disuse as I tried to let go of the nagging feeling that I should be doing something
else, that
I should be working in some way.

It took several minutes of mental struggle before I could fully relax into this time with the kids. Even they seemed a little baffled that I had stopped what I was doing to play with them.

As soon as the grief ebbed away, guilt filled in the space. If it wasn’t one thing, it was the other. I couldn’t seem to find normal. Or balance. Or center. I was a battered ship in the middle of a perfect storm. I rocked one way, only to be flipped around and tossed in the other direction.

The basketball game resumed and the children’s laughter and smiling faces helped ease the guilt eventually. I hadn’t been good at this recently, but it wasn’t too late. I could start trying to do this more often.

I was the only parent these kids had now, would ever have now. If I didn’t do this right, they would never forgive me.

I would never forgive myself.

“Mom, who’s that guy mowing our yard?” Blake held the basketball propped against his hip. I smiled at the way he watched Ben. It was hard to believe that my Blake was the man of the house now. At eight years old, he was hardly a grownup, but he took his role very seriously.

I ruffled his hair and pulled him against me. Man of the house or not, he was still young enough to wrap his arms around my waist and not push me away.

“That’s our new neighbor. His name is Ben.”

“He’s the guy with the pool?”

I looked down into my son’s mossy green eyes and tried not to burst into tears. He looked so much like his dad, right down to the smattering of freckles across the bridge of his nose.

“He is the guy with the pool. He promised to lock his gate from now on, but you help me keep an eye on the other kids, yeah?”

Blake looked back at his siblings who had all moved on to other outdoor activities. Lucy was pushing
Jace
in the umbrella stroller and Abby had pulled out her scooter. “Helmet, Abs!”

She rolled her eyes, but didn’t argue. That was progress.

“Yeah, Mom,” Blake agreed. “But Abby will probably figure out a way to climb the fence.”

I tried not to smile; he was too smart for his own good. “Just tell me if she does, okay?”

“Okay.” He dropped his arm and started dribbling the ball while watching Ben make progress across our yard. I could see the distrust in his expression and the tension in his shoulders. Blake had never liked strangers; he’d always been the shiest of my children. But this was different, I could feel the slight animosity he felt for Ben Tyler. I didn’t necessarily blame him because I often had those same types of feelings, but I didn’t like it on Blake.

“Oh, and Blake?” He looked over at me, his shoulders still rigid. “He said we could use his pool any time we wanted.”

He instantly relaxed and his face lit up with a new brightness, a light, like he was shining from the inside out. I loved it when my kids smiled like that. It happened so little these days.

“For real?”

“For real.”

“Today?”

“Probably not today. I can’t take you all swimming by myself. We’ll have to wait until Auntie Emma can come with us.”

Some of that beautiful light dimmed in Blake’s face, but he stayed easy and cool. “Okay.”

I stepped out of the way so he could go back to shooting hoops. Abby still struggled to snap her helmet, so I stepped around the stroller and
Jace
and went to help her.

We spent the rest of the morning in the driveway, riding various bikes and scooters, playing catch and laughing. It was the most relaxing morning we’d had in a very long time. And all the while the sound of the mower kept us company.

Eventually Ben moved to the back yard. He disappeared from sight, but we could hear him the whole time. The sound was shockingly comforting. After being on my own for six months, I was pretty confident I would never get the hang of it. There were just too many things to do, too many responsibilities to juggle.

Ben stepped in when I desperately needed help and that meant more to me than I could share with him. I wondered where all of this gratitude was coming from. I’d never felt like this when the college kid mowed our yard…

But then again, he had done that for money. Ben did this because he genuinely wanted to help us. There was a difference.

“
Hungy
!”
Jace
tugged on my jeans and grinned up at me with a dirt-smeared face.

I reached down to rub at his chubby cheeks. “You’re hungry?” He lifted his arms and jiggled his wrists. I swung him up into my hold and held him tightly against my chest. “Did you start snacking on the flower beds? You’re filthy.”

“He fell out of the stroller,” Lucy offered matter-of-factly.

“He fell out? Or he got pushed out?”

She tried not to smile. “It was an accident!”

“Sure it was.” But since
Jace
wasn’t in tears, I didn’t give her too hard of a time. Four-year-olds probably shouldn’t be put in charge of strollers anyway.

“I’m hungry too!” Lucy tugged on my arm. “Starving actually!”

“Oh, boy. We can’t have that. Put your toys away and we’ll go inside for some peanut butter and jellies!”

Lucy ran off screaming her enthusiasm for peanut butter while I called to the other kids and threatened them until they finally started picking up.

I hadn’t noticed the mower shut off until Ben rounded the corner to the house, pushing the now silent machine. He didn’t look sweaty or fatigued, but I still hurried into the garage to grab a bottle of water for him. It was the least I could do.

When I turned around, he was standing right there and I nearly screamed again.

“You’ve got to stop that! You’re like a ninja!”
Jace
squealed in my ear and tugged on my ponytail. That might have been the reason I didn’t hear Ben’s approach.