“He called me a mother-fucking bitch last night.” Jackie sobbed into her lace handkerchief. “Why would he do that, Dr. Corriger? I give him everything.”
“What did you do when he called you that?” Lydia asked.
Jackie’s shoulders racked with her sobs. “I went to my bedrooom. Then, when I thought his mood was better I made some popcorn and we watched a scary movie together. It was nice.”
“How old was he the first time he called you a name?”
“This one?” Jackie dabbed her eyes.
“Any name. How old was he the first time he disrespected you?” Lydia asked.
Jackie thought back. “I can remember him calling me ‘Poopy Head’ when he was about two.”
“What did you do then?”
Jackie shrugged. “He was two.” She smiled. “I thought it was cute.”
“There’s your answer, Jackie.” Lydia hoped her patient would hear her. “He called you a mother-fucking bitch because you allow it.”
On they came. A succession of sorrow hoping for comfort or direction. As the day wore on, Lydia wondered if she’d have energy left to deal with her last patient of the day.
Savannah Samuels was five minutes late. She pulled a bottle of wine out of an oversized leather tote, tossed her raincoat across a chair, and settled onto the sofa.
“For your Thanksgiving, Dr. Corriger.” Savannah placed the syrah on the coffee table. “I don’t know what you’re serving but a hundred-dollar bottle of wine goes with anything.”
Lydia took a seat across from the tired-looking beauty. “Why do you do that?”
Savannah frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“You lead with money. You carry large amounts of cash. You tried to tip me on your first visit and bribe me on your second. Now you bring a bottle of wine.”
“It’s Thanksgiving.” Savannah pushed a blue-black curl behind her ear. “A holiday gesture.”
Lydia sensed her patient’s unease. “But you made sure I knew the price. Why?”
“Look, no offense intended.” Savannah pushed farther back into the cushions. “Give the wine to the cleaning lady for all I care.”
Savannah stared at a chipped fingernail.
“Do you want me to know you’re rich, Savannah? Is that it?”
Savannah crossed her legs and stared into nothingness.
“Do you think I’ll like you more if I know you’re wealthy? Perhaps bring my ‘A’ game to our sessions?” Lydia pressed despite her patient’s obvious discomfort.
Savannah rubbed the back of her neck and closed her eyes. Two minutes passed before she opened them. “Maybe money’s not a big deal for you anymore, Dr. Corriger. But remember, it wasn’t that way on my side of the tracks.”
“I know nothing about your side of the tracks, Savannah. Tell me what it was like for you growing up.”
Regret danced across Savannah’s face and settled into disappointment. She raised a sculptured brow. “You want to know about my mother? Maybe my trials and tribulations with potty training?”
Lydia challenged Savannah’s defensive posturing. “You hired me, remember?” She forced her voice to a calmness she didn’t feel. “You came here crying. Told me you’re broken. You drop by without an appointment. You ask for my help and I agree to work with you. It’s been like this for months.” She leaned forward. “And now you insult me. Do you think we’re getting closer to fixing you or farther away?”
Savannah’s blue eyes softened, revealing the terror that lurked beneath her sophisticated mask. She bowed her head and a teardrop fell onto her suede skirt. “I’m sorry. I was rude.”
Lydia dropped to a near-whisper. “You can be rude, Savannah. I can handle that. But let’s not waste time.” Lydia watched her patient reach for a tissue, blot her eyes, and twist the tissue into a tight coil. “Tell me what it was like growing up. Let’s start with Dad.”
“That’s easy.” Savannah looked up and smirked. “Never met him. My mother told me he was a soldier. Killed in Viet Nam.” She bit her lower lip and looked away. “She didn’t have a clue who he was.”
“That must be difficult for you.” Lydia kept her eyes on her patient’s face.
“Not at all.” Savannah pushed away another errant wisp of hair. “You can’t miss what you never knew.”
Lydia let her hold that fallacy for the moment. “And Mom? What about her?”
“I don’t have enough money to pay for the hours it would take to tell you about her, Dr. Corriger. And I have a lot of money.” Savannah grimaced. “Sorry.”
Lydia smiled. “We’ll call it an insight moment, how’s that?” She leaned back. “Give me some broad strokes. Help me see your mother. Is she as beautiful as you?”
Savannah’s face contorted again. “It’s hard to think of myself as beautiful. That’s not false modesty. I’m well aware of the effect I have on men. Women, too.” She turned her attention again to empty space. “I use it to my advantage whenever I can. But I know who I am underneath. And as they say, ugliness goes to the bone.”
“I asked about your mother, Savannah. Not you.”
Savannah nodded. “So you did. No. My mother wasn’t beautiful. Not outside. Not inside. She loved the men, though. Did whatever she could to make sure there were always a few in her life. ‘My bullpen’ she called them.”
“What did she do for a living?”
“I don’t know.” Savannah smile lacked any trace of humor. “My mother placed me in foster care when I was about two. I’m told she visited me once when I was six.” Savannah focused a stare on Lydia. “You see, something terrible happened to me at one of the foster homes.”
Lydia’s throat tightened. “You want to talk about it?”
Savannah kept her eyes riveted on Lydia. “Another foster kid stopped it. A teenaged girl, skinny as a rail but stronger than anyone I ever met before or since. I think that foster father was doing the same thing to her.”
Lydia felt her tongue go dry and reached for a sip of water. “I’m sorry that happened to you, Savannah.”
“My protector saved me.” Savannah’s smile was soft and genuine. “I never forgot her.” Her voice turned to a whispered vow. “And I never will.”
Lydia nodded. “And that was when you were reunited with your mother?”
Savannah stiffened her backbone. “Briefly. She came for a meeting with the social services people. Demanded they find me a better place. I think she patted my head as she left. I didn’t see her again until I was fourteen. She took us to Texas and we were together for two whole weeks before she drove me to a hotel in downtown Galveston. Told me to wait in the lobby. Said she had to go to work and a nice man was going to pick me up. I was to do whatever he said.”
“What did you make of that?” Lydia hoped she’d hear an ending other than the one she imagined.
“I thought it was kind of strange given that she’d never gone to work before and we didn’t live in Galveston.” Savannah rubbed a hand across her porcelain forehead. “A man came and pick me up, though. And I did whatever he said.” More tears dropped to her lap. “When he was finished he gave me five dollars and told me I should be in school.”
“Was that your first sexual experience, Savannah?” Lydia kept her voice steady and soft.”Beyond the rape when you were six?”
Savannah turned to Lydia. Two blue lasers beamed from a flawless face. “I’d been in the foster system for twelve years, Dr. Corriger. Nine different homes. No, it wasn’t my first sexual experience. Just the first time I got paid.”
“And your mother?” Lydia knew better than to react to Savannah’s shame.
“She kept the business going. I was her merchandise and she was a good little sales clerk.” The emotion so visible on Savannah’s face turned from shame to anger. “About a month into it a customer asked me how old I was. I told him. He showed me a badge, and I was back in foster.”
“And your mother?” Lydia hoped the repetition would help soothe Savannah.
“Never heard from her again.” Savannah bounced her right leg.
“You deserved better.” Lydia handed her a fresh box of tissues.
“Don’t pity me, Dr. Corriger. That’s not why I’m here.” Savannah’s voice grew stronger. “My mother’s shenanigans earned me special attention from the authorities. The next four years in the state’s care were okay. Nobody touched me. I was safe from then on.”
Lydia let the weight of the revelation hang for several moments. “From then on is a long time. You would have graduated from the system when you were eighteen. That’s nearly ten years ago. What’s life been like since then?”
Savannah struck a pose and fluffed her hair. “Don’t I look like I’ve made a success of myself? Aren’t you proud of what I’ve become?” She slipped out of teasing and resumed her anger. “Like I said, I’m well aware of the effect I have on men.”
“Are you telling me you’re a prostitute, Savannah? Is that what you think is broken in you?”
Savannah laughed for the first time that session. “Aren’t we all prostitutes, Dr. Corriger? Don’t we all march to the tune someone else is calling just so we can get paid? I mean, look at you? You’re willing to accept my terms, my rudeness, in order to collect your fee. In cash.” She laughed again. “The only difference is you don’t accept tips.”
“Are we back to insults?” Lydia’s voice was calm and steady. “If so, I’ll ask you again. Do you think that gets you closer to your goal or farther away?”
Savannah looked at her watch, stood, and collected her coat and bag. “Sex isn’t the reason I get paid. It’s just a tool of my trade.” She reached into her pocket, pulled out an envelope, and laid it on the table next to the tissue box. “Exact amount.” She turned to go.
“We still have time left, Savannah,” Lydia said.
“I’m done for today.” Savannah walked toward the office door. “Have a nice Thanksgiving.”
The quiet isolation of Lydia’s cliffside home wasn’t working. A continuous loop of her session with Savannah played in her head. Cursing her sleeplessness, she tossed off the covers and climbed out of bed. She went into her kitchen, clicked on the lights, and pulled a favorite bonsai tree out of the window box over the sink. Lydia moved the tree to the table, got her trimmers and scissors out of the drawer, and set about the quiet work of snipping and cutting; mindfully training the tree to perfection. For twenty minutes she tried to focus on the branches and leaves; purposefully avoiding thoughts of the beautiful patient who was in such pain.
That wasn’t working, either.
She went into her bathroom, splashed water on her neck, and buried her face into a thick cotton towel. Savannah’s face danced in her memory. Lydia needed sleep.
She blew out a long tight breath and opened a drawer, fumbled past cosmetics and creams and grabbed a pink plastic soap box in the back. She placed the container on the commode and sat on the side of the tub. She stared at it, knowing it held the relief she needed. She took a deep breath, reached for the box, and brought it to her lap. She pulled her white cotton nightgown up, exposing her right thigh. She snapped the box open and stared at six double-edged razors.
Lydia inspected one after the other, holding each between her thumb and index finger. She surveyed their edges. Watched the light glint off the blades. Relished the foreplay.
She made her selection, set the box aside, and held the razor to her thigh.
One quick slice. Shallow.
A second slice. Deeper. No blood.
A third. Deeper still. Lydia watched the crimson ooze over her pale skin and shuddered in relief. She drew a finger across the wound, smearing her blood. Then a deep cleansing breath and a quick clean up. Peace could finally come.
Fred Bastian slammed his front door and threw his briefcase onto the dining table as he made his way into the kitchen of his University Heights home. “Bastards!” he shouted to the empty house. “Fuck them all.” He entered the butler’s pantry, pulled a bottle of scotch from the leaded glass cabinet, and filled a Waterford tumbler halfway with the amber liquid. Bastian looked at the clock. Four twenty. “Close enough,” he whispered before taking a long drink.
The day had been a disaster, starting with the invitation to Meredith Thornton’s office. An invitation he’d ignored. Who the hell was she to summon him? But in light of the morning’s faculty meeting he may have mis-stepped. Bastian made a mental note to call Carl Snelling for a read on Meredith. He’d need her in his corner.
He sensed the mood of his minions change over the past few months, but he’d been too preoccupied with his research to address it. He shook his head and re-lived their betrayal.
The boring rituals: roll call, minutes, announcements. Then the heart of the departmental meeting: consideration of new faculty. Six candidates for two available positions. Bastian let the thirty-six faculty members prattle on for twenty minutes and pretended their input mattered. When he’d had enough he nodded toward Fritz Walther. The portly faculty moderator pulled himself to his feet, called the discussion closed and announced the final agenda item: the annual vote giving Bastian the faculty’s proxy in all personnel matters. It was routine. A rubber stamp ceding him full power to hire or fire any member of the department.
The first warning came when Levine asked for a change from the customary voice vote. “Fucking know-it-all Jew,” Bastian called out to his empty kitchen. “I should have squashed his tenure when I had the chance.” He took another long pull from his scotch and remembered the pathetic look on Walther’s face as he fumbled for enough paper for the secret ballot.
Bastian held a cool smile as the votes were counted. No need to worry, he told himself. Just a few disgruntled idiots taking a naive swipe at power. He remembered shooting a look to Jerry Childress, his vice-chair. The one he counted on to keep the natives contained and cowed. Childress focused on his laptop and ignored him.
“Fucking Judas.” Bastian drained his glass and threw it against the sub-zero stainless steel refrigerator. Shards of crystal blanketed the tiled floor.
The count had been thirty-one to five against him. Bastian grasped the ramifications immediately. Every department chair in the university held their faculty’s proxy. This would be seen as a vote of no confidence. He’d be the laughing stock of campus before nightfall. By tomorrow the research community around the world would know. He’d have to think fast and call in some large chits if he was going to weather this storm.