The Flying Troutmans (7 page)

Years ago I'd asked my mother the same question about Min. Had she been trying to drown me in Acapulco? She said well, no, she didn't think so, Min had been scared and frantic and hadn't known that she was pushing me under, that was all. After a while, I let the story stand. I hadn't wanted to believe my version of it anyway.

At our father's funeral Min held my hand and whispered in my ear that she'd take care of me, that she'd make sure I was okay, that she'd be strong for both of us. I nodded yeah, great, thanks, does that caring come with a complimentary drowning, because didn't you just try to…but no, I didn't say that. But I did pull my hand out of hers and stick it in the waistband of my ugly dress so she wouldn't try holding it again. I never doubted her conviction and her desire to be strong for both of us but I got this idea into my head that Min wanted me dead in order to protect me from some horrible danger in life that only she knew about, a fate
worse
than death, as they say. That she
was,
in fact, trying to take care of me. I wanted to ask her about that and have it all verified. But how do you begin a conversation like that? If she had come right out and said it, Hattie, I wish you were dead, I'd have nodded in acknowledgment. I'd have told her calmly that I knew it. And maybe, from that admission, we could have established a new way of being sisters. One that might have had me looking over my shoulder frequently but at least it would have been out in the open.

Logan and Thebes goofed around in the pool and I used our Frisbee to scoop a dead bird out of the shallow end when they weren't looking. Logan was floating on his back with an empty plastic wineglass balanced on his stomach and Thebes was trying to fill it up with filthy pool water that she was squirting through her teeth. Then the hand-job girl came cannonballing into the pool from out of nowhere, or the parking lot, and bobbed over to Logan and Thebes.

Are y'all saved? she asked.

From what, yo? said Thebes. Logan ignored the girl and kept floating around on his back, balancing the glass.

The wrath of Christ, said the girl.

Oh, that, said Thebes. I don't know if we all are saved. Let me put it to my bro. Logan? Are we all saved from the wrath of Christ?

I am the wrath of Christ, said Logan.

Oh, said Thebes. Hold up. I'll ask my aunt. Hattie! she said. Are we all saved from the—?

Thebes, I said, shhhhh. Yeah, we are. Tell her we are.

Word, said Thebes. Yeah, we check out, she told the girl. Wanna play Keep It Up?

So they played together awhile and I tried not to let the whole thing disturb the hell out of me.

Later on Logan and Thebes fought about what to watch on TV and who should hold the remote and decided somewhat mutually on
Nick at Nite
and that nobody would hold the remote. I went to the lobby to
make just a phone call to France. I knew he'd be in India but I just wanted to hear his voice on the answering machine. I was wrong, though.

Marc said hello.

Hey! I said.

Hey, he said. Oh, hi!

Aren't you supposed to be in India?

Oh, yeah…well, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeeeahhh…

Oh man.

Hey…

No, really, I said. Why am I such a loser?

You're not a loser, he said. Where are you?

I'm not sure.

Well…where are you?

I really don't know, I said. South Dakota.

Wow.

How's your centre?

What? he asked. What are you talking about?

Did you find it? I asked.

Hey…c'mon.

Hey…go fuck yourself.

You woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me…

I hung up and then phoned back. I'm sorry, I said.

No, no, he said. I had nothing to be sorry about. He was sorry. Really sorry. I started to cry. I listened to him tell me how beautiful and cool I was. Major kiss-off. It was so untrue. It was pathetic.

I really thought you were going to an ashram, I told him.

I really was going to, he said. Hey, can I put you on speaker?

No, don't, I said, okay? Just…And then what happened?

Well, he said, now he was kind of seeing someone.

Yeah, I said. I rested my head against the phone booth. The woman behind the front desk was staring at me.

Yeah, he said. So…yeah. Yeah. Yeahyeahyeah yeah.

I couldn't stop crying. I was trying to.

Hey, Hat, he said. We had a great time. We had a good run.

Yeah, I said. No bigger blast on earth.

We really did, he said.

Yeah. Neither one of us said anything for a while. Well, I said finally, I have to go back to the room.

What room? he said.

My motel room. I have to check on the kids.

What kids? he asked.

See you later, I whispered.
Namaste.

 

Thebes wouldn't let me back in the room. She thought it was hilarious. Please, please open the door, I said. I started to cry all over again.

I saw her eye through the peephole. Then the door whipped open and she said, Holy Moly, I'm just kidding around, Hattie, what's wrong?

There's no mini-bar in here, is there? I said, and then
flung myself onto the bed and wept like Jesus and was sweetly consoled by my sister's children there in that shit-ass motel room in the middle of nowhere.

I told them how pathetic I'd been, calling France just to hear a recorded voice and then being dumped all over again. Thebes wiped my forehead with a cool washcloth, something she said Min did for her when she was feeling sick, at least she used to, and told me a joke. How much does a polar bear weigh?

I don't know, I said.

Enough to break the ice, hi, my name's Thebes, can I buy you a drink?

Logan said, That's not a joke, that's a lame pickup line. Then he said, Relationships, man…life is easy compared to relationships. Wanna smoke a joint?

Ater-lay, I told him.

Hey, said Thebes, I'm the one who invented Pig Latin. She pointed her finger at Logan. And don't forget, little man, you need
pot
to spell
impotent
. She stared hard at him and he told her to shut up, but he was laughing. I told Logan it was really stupid to bring pot, not to mention knives, across the border and he said he hadn't brought pot across the border, he'd got it from the girl in the pool. I didn't know when that had happened. Kids are sneaky.

Thebes sang “Happiness Is a Warm Gun.” And then we all fell asleep together in the saggy stained bed while reruns of
Laverne and Shirley
and
The Odd Couple
droned on all night long and rats raided our cooler during breaks from relay-racing in the walls. I decided we'd look for partial rather than total dives from now on.

 

six

I WOKE UP BEFORE THE KIDS
and noticed that Thebes had left a small silver notebook by the bed. Logan had covered himself up completely with his blanket. I couldn't see him but I could hear him snoring softly, humming, like a little airplane lost in the clouds. I picked up Thebes's notebook.

 

Road trip. First day. We are in America. I've been profiled at the border as a retard, by Logan. They still let me in. Hattie is sad about her boyfriend in Paris. He doesn't like her any more. Logan told her Internet dating was making a comeback and I told her to try to meet a whale, they mate for life. Ha ha. Logan hit me in the face with the Frisbee. The good thing is we're all saved. I miss you. I love you. I won't forget the important things.

 

I went to the lobby again and phoned the hospital and asked to speak to Min. The nurse said that wouldn't be possible right then…could they give her a message? Why isn't it possible? I asked.

Are you family? she said.

Yeah, I'm her sister, I said. The woman didn't think she had the authority to talk about Min's situation right then, but I could leave my number and she would get the doctor to call me back later in the day after rounds.

Well, I said, I'm not…I don't have a number. I'm at a pay phone.

Well, said the woman, will you be able to be reached later on in the day?

Well, I said, no. Is there a good time to call back? Then she told me that she believed the patient was having some difficulty speaking. That she was not quite ready to participate in normal daily routines. Yeah, I could understand that.

Hey, I said, my sister is alive, right? I immediately regretted it.

Yes, of course! said the woman.

I appreciated her emphatic confirmation, I did, but I asked her again if she was sure about that. Like, had somebody checked on Min in the last hour?

She's resting at the moment, said the woman. It'll take some time. She is alive, don't worry.

I thanked her and hung up and briefly considered turning right around and going back. I felt like the kid at the end of the five-metre diving board. I didn't really want to jump but there were twenty kids behind me lined up and yelling at me to go.

Thebes was loading the stuff into the van and Logan was picking and rolling around the parking lot with his basketball, periodically banging it off stuff like the van and the window at the front desk. The woman inside banged back and then came and told us to clear on outta there. There was a large black oil slick under the van.

Shotgun, said Thebes.

Already dibsed it, said Logan.

I hate you, said Thebes.

We were back on the road.

Thebes rooted around in the cooler and made us all peanut butter sandwiches for breakfast. Logan let her use his knife to cut them up but made her promise not to lick it. She wiped it on her filthy, rotting terry cloth shorts.

Did you bring other clothes? I asked her. How do you get so dirty anyway?

Just by way of my life, she said. What did Min say?

She said hi and sends big hugs and kisses, I said. Hopes we're having fun. Thebes smiled and moved her
purple head from side to side like her favourite song had just come on the radio. Logan glanced at me, sideways, briefly, entirely hip to my bullshit. I honked the horn for no reason and whispered, Murdo, baby. Let's go.

It was my turn for a CD. I put in some Lucinda Williams and Logan said noooooooooooooooooooo. He covered his face with his hands. Please, no, please, he said. I'm begging you.

C'mon, I said, it's not country. Check out the lyrics. I tossed the CD case into his lap. He screamed and tossed it back at me like it was a shitty diaper. Just put on your headphones then, I said. I'm playing it. I might play it on my next turn too. I've got a broken heart.

Logan took out his knife and started carving in the dashboard again. I wasn't going to try to stop him any more. I wanted to figure out what all his carvings meant. If the dashboard was his canvas, so be it. Who cares if it lowered resale value. It was a Ford Aerostar.

If I was a band I'd be breaking up,
he wrote. The glove compartment door fell open and all the stuff inside fell out and he cursed and picked it up and rammed it back in and it wouldn't shut and for the next five or ten minutes he kept kicking it, over and over, trying to keep it closed.

Hey, said Thebes, from the back, how's morale up there? She asked Logan if he needed an oversized novelty cheque because she sure could make him one if he wanted, she had all the art supplies necessary. I peeked at her in the rear-view mirror. It looked like she'd cut her own hair along the sides. Logan took a roach out of his pocket and stuck it in his mouth.

Hey, no, you can't do that, smarten up, I said. Give me that. I tried to grab the thing out of his mouth but he moved his head and then grabbed my wrist in mid-air and held it there for an improbable amount of time. And I realized he wanted to be holding my wrist or at least holding something warm and human so we drove awhile like that, him holding up my arm like it was a big fish he'd caught and he was eight years old and having his picture taken.

We flew past animated families enjoying things like waterslides and go-karts and mini golf. My CD was over and it was quiet in the van. Nobody was talking and it was making me nervous for some reason. I couldn't stop thinking about Min, about what I should be doing, about how I had answered her question, her request, Help me die, and if it had been entirely wrong. The alternative seemed insane. Was I supposed to have agreed to kill my sister? Would that have bought her a little more time and made her happy? Just knowing that she had an out if she really, truly needed one? That her little sister would come along and knock her out with a hammer or something? Put a pillow over her face? What was I supposed to have said? Was it the least I could do considering that from the day I was born my sister had wanted to die?

None of us moved in our seats. We were all paralyzed, lethargic and irritable. Like we were a bunch of recently beached whales who hadn't known each other in the sea and weren't about to hook up out of the sea, but there we were, together, incapable of moving and stuck with each other.

Then Thebes spoke. What does it mean when a person asks, Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Are you stupid? asked Logan.

Don't call her stupid, I said.

I didn't call her stupid, said Logan, I asked if she was. Then he paused and said skaaaaa in a voice that meant he thought she was a loser for playing the sax in a ska band at school.

What does that have to do with anything? she asked. Are you clueless or didn't you know that ska is all the rage in Mexico City?

So go there, said Logan. Want a ride to the airport?

Hey, said Thebes, what does “Do Not Siphon Gas by Mouth” mean? There was a sign at that gas station.

It means don't steal the gas with a siphon, with your mouth, I said.

What do you mean? she asked.

I don't know. I think just don't suck the gas from the nozzle, like with a tube or whatever, and then spit it into your own car? Maybe. I'm not sure. There was actually an official sign that said that? I asked.

Who would do that? said Thebes. Like, who would suck gas from a car?

I don't know, I said. People who really want gas.

Godspell, said Thebes. What's so great about gas?

Just say “god,” Thebes, said Logan.

Hey, said Thebes, what does “Gonna Git Me Some” mean?

I don't know, I said.

Hattie, said Logan. He looked at me. Like,
Don't fall for this shit.

I'm not sure, I said. It's like a really rude thing an idiot guy would say about, uh…being with a girl, or woman.

What do you mean? asked Thebes.

I don't know, I said.

You mean like “gonna git me a woman”? asked Thebes.

Yeah, but like…You know what? I said. It just…it's a sexual reference, okay? A total moron who wants to have sex with someone, probably someone as stupid as he is.

Thebes was quiet for a bit. Maybe twenty, thirty seconds.

“If This Is Tourist Season, Why Can't I Shoot 'Em?” she said. We'd seen that bumper sticker on a truck that had passed us earlier. What does that mean? she asked.

It's a joke, I said. Like hunting season? Tourist season?

Yeah, but why would you—

Fuuuuuck! said Logan. Shut the fuck up! He kicked the glove compartment door and the stuff poured out onto the floor again.

Logan, cut it out! I said.

Yeah, but she's intentionally being stupid and you're—

Logan, she's not intentionally being stupid!

Hey, said Thebes, unsure. Hey!

I think Thebes knew what all that stuff meant, it was true. She just wanted to know the three of us, her ad hoc family, were alive and that we still had enough juice to react to each other's bullshit. But I understood Logan's frustration. She likes to talk, I said to him. I shrugged. It's better than not talking, right? I said.

He stared out the window.

We drove through a town called Kennebec. We were getting close to Murdo. When we saw a beat-up looking basketball court next to an empty swimming pool, Logan asked if we could stop so he could shoot some hoops. He'd been holding his basketball in his lap like a sleeping newborn for hours. I pulled up next to the court and he turned around and chucked his ball at Thebes.

Yo, T., heads up, he said. She caught it, thrilled to death that he wanted to play with her, and they were off.

I lay down in the prickly brown grass next to the court and watched them play. Thebes would get the rebounds and pass them back to Logan or try to block him. Sometimes she'd sit beside me on the sidelines and yell like she was his coach.

The backboard exists for a reason, Troutman! she'd say. Wake up! She took off her shoe and threw it on the ground in despair. Stay with your man, Troutman! A couple of maintenance men in white overalls walked over to where we were sitting. They asked me what we were doing there and I said we were just resting, playing some basketball, hanging out.

Nobody ever comes here, said one of the men.

I said, Yeah, I can see that. I wondered what exactly these guys were maintaining. The kids came over and asked me what was up. We're just talking, I said. One of the guys asked Logan his name.

Logan said Lloyd Banks, and the guy took out a pen and wrote that down on the back of an envelope. Then
he asked Thebes her name, and she said Veronica Lodge, and he wrote that down too. He asked them where they were from, the island of Togo? And then they laughed and said they were kidding. Logan said they were from Riverdale, Thebes's dream town. They wrote that down too.

Why are you writing this stuff down? I asked one of the guys.

He said they were doing an independent survey to determine who and what type of people use the playground.

After they left, we all sat on the grass and talked about who they might be. Aliens, religious freaks, FBI, scouts for the Lakers. Then Logan told Thebes that the best way to deal with school and life is to pretend that everyone is stoned. The teachers, mom, friends, me, the bus driver, grandma when she was alive, kids, everyone. So that when someone says to you something like, Thebes, we're worried about your home life, or Thebes, it's come to our attention that you've missed sixteen consecutive band practices, or Hey, kid, you've gotta pay to ride the bus, you can just laugh and laugh at the lunacy of it all. Then Thebes went over to the van and took out a giant novelty cheque she'd made for Logan. It was about four feet long. She'd made it with cardboard and markers and Popsicle sticks for ballast on the back so it wouldn't bend. She brought it over to us and looked at Logan, who squinted up at her, one hand blocking the sun that made her look like she was on fire.

I'd like to present this to you, Logan, for…I'm not sure what, she said.

She just likes making oversized novelty cheques, he explained to me. I get them all the time. How much is it worth? he asked her.

One million dollars, she said. Congratulations for being my brother. She held it in front of his face and he took it and looked at it.

Thanks, Thebes, he said.

Do you make a speech now? I asked him.

No, he said.

Don't worry, you'll get one too, said Thebes. She sat down on the grass again and then lay down and put her head in my lap. While she braided grass, I pulled some art supply stuff out of her hair and blew in her face. There's no way you'll be able to comb your hair, I told her. You'll have to shave your head or grow dreads.

I know, she said.

I gently massaged her scalp. It was discoloured from the purple dye and speckled with dirt and glue and glitter. Hey, I said, where's the scalpel stuck?

Here, she said, and guided one of my fingers over to the right side of her head.

Does it ever hurt? I asked her.

Nah, she said.