Authors: An Na
Joyce walked into the apartment complex just as the sun was beginning to descend. The tall palm trees waved in the pink-orange skies. Joyce walked through the courtyard, her mind still on Gina and Sam, the image of their backs to Joyce lingering in her thoughts. As she approached the stairs leading up to the apartment, she spotted Helen sitting halfway up, wearing her work clothes, staring off into the sky. The sight of her older sister sitting all alone echoed the deep sense of isolation that Joyce felt. How many times this summer had she seen Helen sitting alone like that? Joyce had written it off as Helen being moody, but now she had some idea of how Helen might be feeling. All the ugliness Joyce had shown earlier in the day flooded back to her.
“Hi,” Joyce said tentatively, wondering if Helen was still angry.
Helen’s eyes lifted up, but her chin remained cradled in the palm of her hand. “Hi.”
Joyce started up the stairs. Helen scooted over to make room for Joyce to pass, but instead of heading up to the apartment, Joyce sat down next to her.
“You’re not going in to work?” Joyce asked.
“I was just about to go, but then Uhmma called and said there was someone who had answered the ad in the paper. She’s training with Apa right now and so I don’t have to be there until a little later.” Helen smiled faintly, glancing down at the sand on Joyce’s flip-flops. “How was the beach?”
Joyce shrugged. “Lame.”
Helen remained silent.
“Sorry about taking off with the car earlier,” Joyce whispered. “Did you miss your meeting?”
“Yeah,” Helen said. “But it was okay.”
“Are you sure?” Joyce asked. “You’re not going to get kicked off the research group?”
“I wish,” Helen said, smiling.
“What?” Joyce was alarmed. This didn’t sound like Joyce’s high-achieving sister.
“I don’t know if I’m cut out for all this doctor stuff.”
“Oh, come on, Helen, you have the best psychobabble of anyone I know.”
“Thanks, but it doesn’t matter how I say things, it’s about whether I have the passion to really dedicate myself to the profession, and I don’t know if my heart is in it anymore. I’m
realizing more and more that being a doctor might not be for me.”
“Have you told Uhmma and Apa?” Joyce worried. Her parents had been talking about Helen being the doctor in the family for as long as Joyce could remember.
Helen shook her head.
Joyce wondered how her parents were going to react to Helen’s news. They would probably be disappointed, but they would get over it. Joyce hoped they wouldn’t start looking at her to take over the doctor role. Joyce had gotten an A in AP Chemistry. Darn, why had she felt the need to compete with Helen and show her parents that she was just as good in the sciences?
“What does any of that matter when I don’t even know who I am anymore?” Helen whispered so softly that Joyce barely heard her.
Joyce turned to Helen. “And I’m sorry about lying and saying that I might have seen Su Yon.”
At the sound of Su Yon’s name, Helen closed her eyes and her lower lip began to tremble. It was so physical, the pain pooling in Helen’s face, Joyce could hardly stand to watch. How long had Helen been suffering like this? Joyce put her arm around Helen’s shoulders.
“It hurts so much,” Helen sobbed.
“It’s okay, Helen. Shhh,” Joyce said. “It’ll be okay.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“Uhmma and Apa won’t care,” Joyce said. “Hell, I could be the next doctor. Don’t worry, Helen.”
Helen hid her face in her hands. “Oh, Joyce, you are so clueless sometimes.”
“What?” Joyce pulled back. “I was just trying to help. You don’t think I could be a doctor? Well, guess what grade I got in AP Chem.”
Helen lowered her hands. “Joyce, it’s not about being a doctor.”
Joyce frowned. “Well, what is it, then? Are you missing Su Yon?”
Helen stared at the pool for a minute and then glanced at Joyce. “Su Yon and I were really close, Joyce.”
“I know,” Joyce said.
“I was in love with her.”
Joyce stood up quickly. “What do you mean in love?”
Helen craned her head back to see Joyce’s face. “I loved her.”
Joyce ran down to the bottom of the stairs. She looked back at Helen, who had tears streaming down her cheeks. Joyce ran up the stairs. “You’re saying love. Love. Not love like friend love, but love, love.”
Helen nodded.
Joyce took a few steps down the stairs. “This is huge. This is so deep.” Joyce turned around. “Do Uhmma and Apa know?”
Helen nodded.
“Uhmma and Apa knew all this time, and no one told me? What is going on? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Helen shook her head. “I tried to tell you a few times, but you were always angry at me or preoccupied with your own problems. I didn’t get a chance to really sit down with you.”
Joyce paced at the bottom of the stairs. She looked up at Helen. Her sister was gay? This was crazy. Gay? Joyce didn’t know one single gay person. Well, that wasn’t true. Their old youth pastor, Paul, had come out about two years ago, but everyone had known he was gay even before he had told them. And they all admired how hard he worked to help his friends who were dying of AIDS. In fact, the entire youth group had held a fund-raiser to help Paul in his efforts. But this was Helen. Helen was gay. How did Joyce miss this? What had she been doing all this time? Mooning over John. Running around with Gina. Ignoring Helen, Joyce thought with guilt.
“Joyce,” Helen said, waving her over.
Joyce walked back up the stairs and sat at Helen’s feet.
“Joyce, nothing about me is different.”
“I know,” Joyce said, looking down at the courtyard.
“Joyce, look at me,” Helen said.
Joyce glanced up at Helen.
“Hey, it’s still me.” Helen’s long black hair was pulled back in her usual work ponytail, the white shirtsleeves rolled up to her elbows. Her face was clean and pale, without a trace of makeup. Joyce knew this face. Knew she loved Helen even through all the complaining and fighting. Helen would always be her uhn-nee.
“I know it’s still you, Helen,” Joyce said. She stood up and moved over to sit on the same step as Helen.
“Joyce, when Su Yon left, I finally had to face what I had been feeling for so long. I think I buried myself in my studies so that I could cut that whole romantic side of me off.”
“Did Uhmma and Apa make Su Yon leave?” Joyce asked, remembering how sad Su Yon had been that day, saying good-bye at the restaurant.
“No,” Helen said. “Su Yon didn’t want to deal with me anymore. She was confused, and being around me wasn’t helping. And I think her mother started to wonder what was going on between us.”
“How did Uhmma and Apa find out?”
“I told them,” Helen said.
“Damn, Helen, no taking the easy road for you,” Joyce said. She had to admire Helen for her guts. Joyce would have just lied and snuck around rather than face telling her parents something so difficult.
“I couldn’t lie anymore,” Helen said. “It was killing me.”
“How are they handling it?”
Helen smiled. “Uhmma didn’t even blink. She said she had already sensed it.”
Joyce laughed. “Uhmma and her psychic powers.”
“And Apa doesn’t know what to say to me anymore. He starts coughing and getting all red every time any of it vaguely comes up. He’s trying to read about having gay children like he’ll figure out how to fix the car or something.”
“No way! So that’s the mystery book Apa has been toting around with him all this time.”
Helen nodded.
“He is such a dork,” Joyce said. Apa had been the first one to learn English by studying on his own late at night. Even as kids, before they could even read, Apa had amassed books by buying them cheap at garage sales. He believed books had all the answers.
“But I don’t want anyone to know yet,” Helen whispered. “Especially Gomo.”
Joyce groaned. “Well, that dating service she gave you says a lot.”
“You think she already suspects?” Helen wondered.
“Well, every special gift that Gomo gave us was about improving ourselves, whether we thought we needed improvement or not.”
“I know,” Helen said. “She thinks dating will help me grow up and stop being so tied to my friends. Maybe I should go out with Mr. Moon again. Maybe it’ll change me. Plastic surgery for the heart.”
“No,” Joyce said, horrified. “Why would you want to do that to yourself?”
A passing cloud shadowed Helen’s face. “Wouldn’t it just be easier to fake it? Then everyone would be happy. Uhmma and Apa wouldn’t have to worry about how all the talk would affect the family. Gomo could keep holding me up as the Korean poster girl.”
“And you would be miserable,” Joyce said.
Helen shrugged. “It’s all about appearances, Joyce. You know that.”
Joyce touched her right fallen eyelid fold. Helen frowned.
“Look at how Gomo treats you,” Helen said. “I
mean, honestly, giving a teenager plastic surgery is demented. It’s not enough that we’re bombarded with images of beauty every day through the media, but our own family member says that we can only look pretty if we alter our face in a certain way. It’s so ridiculous!”
“Helen, stop.” Joyce touched her sister’s arm, but Helen was just getting started.
“You know, I should just move away. Why do I live at home? I’ll transfer up to Berkeley or something. Screw the Korean grapevine. Screw Gomo! I’m done being the good girl. I am so tired of always being the responsible one. The nice Korean girl who takes care of her family first. I should have just gone to that East Coast women’s school, even if it had meant taking money from Gomo. That would have been priceless. Gomo paying for me to hang out with other girls!”
Joyce focused on the cement steps. So that was why Helen had chosen to stay home. She had sacrificed to help her family instead of doing what she wanted.
“Sorry,” Helen said, finally cooling down. “Sometimes I feel like nothing is really mine. Like I’ve been living my whole life trying to please others.”
“Yeah,” Joyce said softly.
Helen turned to Joyce and touched her fallen eyelid. “Don’t
alter yourself so that you can fit in, Joyce. You are beautiful on your own.”
“How come it doesn’t feel that way?” Joyce wondered, staring up at the darkening sky.
“It’s hard to feel all right about yourself when everything around you is saying that you have to look a certain way, act and love a certain way. Or buy this product or take this pill and it will make you better. Make you happy. It’s all bull. The amazing and hard fact is that there is no magic pill or procedure or anything. What might make you happy one minute might not make you happy the next. What is beautiful now won’t be later. Everything is always changing. You have to know what is true to you. Know who you are and what matters the most to you in here,” Helen said and pointed to her heart.
“But what if you don’t know?” Joyce wondered.
“You’re asking me?” Helen laughed.
Joyce laughed as well. “I always thought you had it easy because you knew exactly what you wanted to be, and you were always good at everything you did.”
“Oh, Joyce, I knew how to make other people happy. I didn’t know how to make myself happy until I fell in love with Su Yon. And then she left me,” Helen said. “And here I am back to square one. Still trying to find out what’s true to me.”
“But you always seemed so confident about everything,” Joyce said.
“Just because I was cocky didn’t mean I knew what would make me happy. I just did a really good job of covering up,”
“Speaking of covering up, does Andy know?” Joyce asked.
“Andy, the spy? Are you kidding me? Andy was the first to find out. He used to sneak up on me and Su Yon all the time. He said he would stay quiet if I drove him and his buddies to the basketball courts this summer.”
“That little blackmailer.”
Helen laughed. “It was kind of nice to see Andy so unfazed by it all. Inside information is still inside information to Andy, no matter what the subject.”
“So are you really going to keep it all quiet? Are you going to move? What are you going to do?”
Helen went back to cradling her chin in her hand. “I don’t know, Joyce. Honestly, I need this summer to think and figure out my next step. I don’t want to rush into a decision because I’m feeling pressure. I need to do some soul-searching and know myself a little more. Know what I need. But the last thing I need from anyone right now is drama. So, yes, I want to keep it quiet until I’m ready to make my next move. And by then,
I’ll have a better idea of what I want to do. And it won’t be based on what other people want for me, that’s for sure.”
Joyce nodded.
Helen stood up. “I should get to the restaurant.”
“What about Gina?” Joyce asked.
Helen took a step down and turned around. “Gina has a big mouth, Joyce.”
“I know, I know,” Joyce said. “But she’s my best friend.”
“I don’t know that I can trust her, Joyce,” Helen said.
“She means well,” Joyce said.
Helen tapped the metal banister with her nails. “If you say so.”
“I’ve always told her everything.”
“But she’s not family, Joyce. She doesn’t understand or even have the same concerns or issues as we do. That was one thing that I learned from this whole mess with Su Yon. Before she left, I trusted her completely.” Helen winced. “But Su Yon wouldn’t even stay long enough to give me an explanation. She was just gone. And you know who tried to cheer me up? Gomo. She bought me those awful tropical book bags. As bad as Gomo can be sometimes, in her own crazy, demented way, she tries to
look after us. And someday we’ll be there for her when she needs us. That is what a family does. We watch out for each other. We take care of each other. Are you sure Gina would do that for you?”
Joyce couldn’t answer Helen. She thought about Gina turning her back to Joyce.
“Will it kill you not to say something about me?” Helen asked.
“I guess not.”
“It’s really important to me, Joyce. When I’m ready, you can be the first one to tell her, okay?”
“Okay,” Joyce said and stood up.
Helen ran back up the stairs and embraced her sister. “Thanks, Joyce, for understanding.”