The Football Fan's Manifesto

Acknowledgments

Article I:
The Supremacy of Football

Section 1:
Other Major Sports Are Inherently Inferior to Pro Football and Therefore Unworthy of Our Time

Section 2:
A People’s History of Football Fanaticism

Section 3:
The Football Fan Is the Next Evolution of Man

Article II:
The Fundamentals of Fandom

Section 1:
Pick a Team, Any Team. Just Pick One and Only One

Section 2:
Who You Root for Defines Who You Are

Section 3:
The Memory of Your Team’s Epic Playoff Loss Will Set the Tone for All Your Future Personal Failures

Clause A:
The Most Epic Chokes

Section 4:
Choose a Player to Idolize Based on His Carefully Crafted Public Persona

Section 5:
Know Thine Enemies, So You Can Identify Them After Crushing Their Skulls into Powder

Section 6:
Bandwagon Fans: Can’t Live with Them, Can’t Line Them Up and Melt Their Insides with a Flamethrower

Clause A:
How to Identify a Bandwagon Fan

Section 7:
Choose Your Friends Based on Football Allegiances—and Maybe Their Parent’s Beach House

Section 8:
Learn to Deal with People Who Actively Dislike Sports While Somehow Resisting the Urge to Strangle Them

Article III:
The Formative Years of Fandom

Section 1:
Matriculate into College (So You Can Learn That Word Doesn’t Mean Advancing a Football)

Section 2:
The Liberal Arts Agenda Against Fandom

Section 3:
Attend a Game a Week and a Class Per Semester: A Fan’s Guide to Higher Education

Section 4:
Befriend NFL Prospects Now, While They’ll Still Let You Do Their Homework for Them

Clause A:
The Duties for the Aspiring Hanger-on

Section 5:
Watch Football While Tripping Balls: Drugs and Gameday

Section 6:
Countries Most Likely to Cease Being Useless and Catch Football Fever

Section 7:
Land a Football-Related Job

Section 8:
Root for Your Team from Afar

Article IV:
The Two-Minute Driven Life

Section 1:
You Can’t Have a Tailgate of One

Section 2:
Make the Game Part of Your Game: Picking Up Women

Section 3:
Convenient Conditioning for the Football Fatty

Section 4:
The Diner Quiz For a Post-Post-Diner Generation

Clause A:
The Football Manifesto Mate-Matching Metric

Section 5:
The Obligatory Guidelines for Female Fans

Clause A:
Ground Rules for Female Fans

Section 6:
Vow to Have a Football-Themed Wedding

Section 7:
Raise Your Kids to Root for Your Team Through Coercion

Section 8:
Acceptable Levels of Involvement in Your Kid’s Pop Warner League

Section 9:
Scenes from a Broken Fan Marriage

Section 10:
Lord Your Personal Success Over Baseball Fans Because You Don’t Spend All Your Time Watching Baseball

Article V:
Gameday Operating Procedure: The Gop that Wants You to Have Fun

Section 1:
Flout the Fan Conduct Policy

Section 2:
Personal Seat Licenses Are a Bigger Rip-off than Buying a Home

Section 3:
Your New Pair of Underwear Is to Blame for a Ten-Loss Season

Section 4:
Tailgating Is the Pregame Alcohol-Based Ritual of Kings

Clause A:
Avoid Tailgating Scenesters

Clause B:
Tailgating Grub: Meat, Meat, More Meat, Wash Down with Beer, Repeat with Meat

Section 5:
Get Pumped for Victory in the Game You’re Not Playing

Section 6:
The High Five Is an Intricate Art Not to Be Toyed With

Section 7:
Like All Extreme Sports, Running onto the Playing Field Is Dumb and Wrong—and Irresistible

Section 8:
The Challenge of the Superfans

Section 9:
Gamble, Because of Course You’re Smarter than Vegas

Section 10:
Probably Should’ve Known Before You Bought Those Season Tickets: Watching a Game at Home Is Far Better than the Stadium Experience

Article VI:
The Fantasy Football Chapter (Now with Tear-Out Cheat Sheet!)

Section 1:
Fantasy Baseball Is for Geeks but Fantasy Football Is for Men

Section 2:
Know Your Fantasy League or Know Draft Defeat

Section 3:
Naming Your Fantasy Team, or Which Anchorman Reference Shall You Go With?

Section 4:
The Fantasy Draft Is the Only Time Being an Unrepentant Homer Doesn’t Help

Clause A:
Draft Trash-Talk Tips

Section 5:
Fantasy Football Magazines Are the Most Useless Thing You’ll Reflexively Purchase Each Year

Section 6:
A Letter to Brian Westbrook Regarding His Questionable Playing Status for Sunday

Section 7:
Issue Threats to People Who Veto Your Fantasy Trades

Article VII:
A Fan for All Seasons

Section 1:
Seventeen Weeks of Sweet Delusion

Section 2:
Strategies for a Losing Season: Blame All Parties Involved

Section 3:
Drink Deep of the Haterade, That Cool, Refreshing Drink

Section 4:
When “Wait ’Til Next Year” Is an Annual Mantra, or the Fan Bases of the Damned

Section 5:
The Week Between the Conference Championships and the Super Bowl Is the Tool of the Devil (as Well as the Networks, Which Are Run by the Devil)

Section 6:
If You Need Don Cheadle to Motivate You for the Playoffs, You Aren’t a Fan

Section 7:
Super Bowl Parties Are for Amateurs—but Still Worth It

Section 8:
Celebrate a Title, Bitches!

Article VIII:
Surviving the Endless Off-Season

Section 1:
Your End of the Year Denial Is So Strong You’ll Actually Watch a Part of the Pro Bowl

Section 2:
Feign an Interest in Other Sports and Other People

Section 3:
Oh, No! Your Favorite Player Left in Free Agency! Disown Him at Once!

Clause A:
The Five Stages of Free Agent Dejection

Section 4:
The Draft Is Excruciating, but in April You’ll Take Anything You Can Get

Clause A:
The NFL Draft Drinking Game

Section 5:
The Arena League and the CFL Are a Sickening Farce and Not Even the Good Kind of Sickening Farce

Section 6:
Beware the Post–NBA Finals Misery Vortex

Section 7:
Training Camp Is Miserable for the Athlete, Only Kind of Boring for You

Section 8:
Observe Madden Day Like the National Holiday It Should Be

Section 9:
Dupe Yourself into Thinking the Preseason Matters

Article IX:
Take Fandom to Unhealthy Levels—Then a Little Further

Section 1:
Fandom on the Intarwebz!!11!

Section 2:
Heed the Officially Licensed Section on NFL Apparel and Merchandise

Section 3:
Dress Your Pet, Because They Can’t Tell You It’s Lame

Section 4:
The Mystery of Trash-Talking

Clause A:
The Laws of Trash-Talking

Section 5:
“Can You Please Sign My Newborn?”: Autograph Hunting

Section 6:
Pester God to Intercede on Your Team’s Behalf

Section 7:
Fortify Your Conversations with the Power of Football Clichés

Section 8:
Get Tat Up from the Mat Up

Article X:
Death: Because Only Al Davis can Live Forever

Section 1:
Retirement or “Which Team Do I Like, Again?”

Section 2:
Your Team Relocated to Another City! Your Entire Life Was All for Naught!

Section 3:
Buying a Team Means Buying the Affections of Millions, Even as You Screw Them

Section 4:
Remain Die-hard Even When You’re About to Die

Section 5:
To a Bears Fan Dying Young

Section 6:
Hector Your Favorite Players into the Hall of Fame

Section 7:
On Death and Deep-frying

Section 8:
The Afterlife, or As It’s Known in Football-Speak, the Post-Life

Epilogue:
This Book Gets Summ-ed Up! Clap, Clap, Clap-Clap-Clap!

About the Author

Credits

Copyright

About the Publisher

This book would not exist without the work of Johan Gutenberg, Al Gore, and the Rooney family. Also, these people:

First and foremost, my family: my mom and dad, Christina, Angie, Marissa, Alexandra, and Colleen.

My second, hipper, blacker family: Kevin Merida and Donna Britt, who drove me to start writing and are therefore responsible for every bad joke in this book; the immensely talented Hamani Britt-Gibson, who owes me twenty dollars; and my weekly football confidant and TV murderer Darrell Britt-Gibson.

Internet dick-joke-slinging brethren: Drew Magary, Matt Ufford, Jack Kogod, Joshua Zerkle, and the shadowy figure that is flubby. As well as our Uproxx benefactors Jarret Myer and Brian Brater. And Jerry Thompson, who makes it run smoothly.

JoAnn Bruch, to whom I owe my all-consuming football fanaticism.

My editor Matthew Benjamin: You took a chance on me and made this mystifying process remarkably easy. Apologies again for all the bukkake jokes in the first draft.

Much thanks to my compatriots in Web-based onanistic sportswriting for continued support, inspiration, and Brazzers.com log-ins: Will Leitch, Nick Dallamora, Sarah Sprague, Mike Florio, Stefan Fatsis, DJ Gallo, Spencer Hall, Brian Powell, Raquel Frisardi, Dan Shanoff, Matt Johnson, Gourmet Spud, Brooks Melchior, The Mighty MJD, Vince Mancini, Dan Levy, Chris Cooley, Wright Thompson, Cajun Boy, Chris Cotter, Michael Grass, Rob Iracane, J. E. Skeets, Grimey, Scott Van Pelt, the Brothers Mottram, Sarah Schorno, Dan Steinberg, Enrico Campitelli Jr., and A. J. Daulerio.

Friends, well-wishers, and people who don’t wish me any specific harm: Ralston Yorrick, Jessica Rinne, Aaron Andzik, Joe Nese, Barbara Lindell, Vanessa Parra, Lana Chung, Rob Ullman, Candice Bloch, Jon Lewis, Elahe Izadi, Ben Domenech, Adam Claus, and Rachel Freedenberg.

Katie, Sterling, Nena, Sal, Scrappy, Jobie, and the rest of folks at the Pour House with whom I share my boozy autumn Sundays and screaming fits.

The readers and commenters at Kissing Suzy Kolber: When they aren’t cussing me out or dismissively commenting “meh” on my posts, they’re making me eternally grateful not to be writing any more ten-inch stories on county council meetings. Thanks, assholes!