The Forgotten Girl (23 page)

1966

It was one of the best nights of my whole life. I'd not prepared any questions, obviously, so when Gloria introduced me to the band I was terrified. I thought my voice wouldn't come out right. But then Brian Jones threw his head back and fixed me with a wide stare from under his thick blond fringe.

‘You're not going to ask us about our influences, are you?' he said. ‘Because I don't think I can make up any more shit.'

I grinned.

‘No,' I said. ‘I want to know where you buy your trousers, what you think of Harold Wilson, and who you want to win the World Cup.'

Brian laughed. So did the rest of the band. And suddenly I relaxed. These lads may have been pop stars but they were just like any other young men, deep down.

We chatted for ages about everything and nothing and I got enough to make a brilliant feature. I hoped Suze would agree to me writing it up for Viva instead of her – I was sure she would – and I thought I could write it all a different way for our dummy Mode issue, too. That would be a real coup and it would show what great contacts we – well, Suze really – had.

George snapped some candid pictures while we were chatting, and then he wandered off with the boys to do a proper shoot for half an hour, leaving me talking to Gloria – who turned out to be a hoot.

‘They keep me on my toes,' she said, grabbing a cocktail from a passing waitress. ‘It's like herding cats. I get them all together in the right place to talk to a journalist and I turn my back for five seconds and Bill's buggered off to talk to a girl, or Keith's at the bar. I need to get a dog lead and put them all on it.'

She pushed her hair back over her shoulders and gave me a dazzling smile.

‘So this is for Viva, right?'

I nodded.

‘Viva first,' I said. ‘But there's a new magazine launching called Mode and we're hoping…' I paused. ‘I'm hoping to get it in there, too.'

‘Oh how thrilling,' said Gloria. ‘Are you working on this new magazine, then?'

‘I bloody hope so,' I said. ‘It's going to be really exciting – quite forward-thinking and all about the stuff women like us are interested in.'

‘It sounds great. Good luck with it all,' Gloria said. She dug about in her bag and gave me her card. ‘If you need anything from the boys, just let me know. We can always make time for friends.'

‘Thanks,' I said. ‘I'll give this to…' I broke off. I had been going to say that I'd give the card to Suze, but why should I? Gloria was my contact. I was the one who'd done the interview and impressed her. I smiled and put the card into my bag.

‘I'll give your details to George too,' I said. ‘He's such a great photographer – I'm sure you'll be interested in using him again when you see the pictures.'

‘Talk of the devil,' Gloria said, nodding over my shoulder. George was coming back from the side room where he'd been shooting the band, deep in conversation with Mick Jagger.

‘Did it go well?' Gloria said.

‘It was great,' George said. ‘They're all very professional.'

Mick laughed and I wondered what had gone on. George always seemed to have a huge amount of fun when he was photographing bands.

He slipped his arm round my waist and whispered in my ear.

‘Shall we go?'

I nodded.

‘We have to get on,' I said to Gloria, implying we were terribly busy and important instead of actually planning to go back to George's flat and make the most of being alone. ‘Thank you so much for setting this up.'

‘Any time,' she said. ‘Good luck with the magazine.'

George slung his arm across my shoulders as we walked out into the night air and I shivered, regretting not bringing a coat after all.

‘That was amazing,' I said, my ears ringing in the quiet after the noise of the club. ‘I really felt part of something, you know?'

‘We are part of something,' George said, waving his arm around to take in Soho, London, Britain – the world. ‘Everything's changing and we're leading the way.'

I threw my arms up in the air and whooped.

‘It's all happening,' I said. ‘It's really happening.'

Laughing and playfully shoving each other, we walked back towards Soho. As we turned into Wardour Street, some movement up ahead caught my eye.

‘Look,' I said, pointing to the shadows cast by the street lights. ‘Is that Suze?'

I squinted at the figure ahead of us, leaning against a doorway, lighting a cigarette. As the match flared, I saw it was definitely Suze.

‘Suze,' I cried, rushing towards her. ‘Where the bloody hell have you been?'

Suze looked round slowly, and gave me a broad smile.

‘Nancy,' she said. ‘I was just coming to meet you at the party.'

‘The party's over,' I said. ‘I did the interview. It's finished.'

‘Really?' said Suze. She was acting so strangely, her movements were slow and she seemed like her head was in the clouds. She was clearly drunk but there was something else too. ‘Oh that's a shame.'

She staggered slightly and I caught her.

‘Suze,' I said, quite cross that once again I was picking up the pieces. ‘Are you drunk?'

‘She's drunk and stoned,' said George. ‘Have you been smoking weed?'

Suze smiled at him, a peaceful, calm smile.

‘I have,' she said. ‘I like it.'

All my hopes for a night with George disappeared as, like a trained army, he and I took one of Suze's arms each and started walking with her towards her place.

When we finally got there – after trying to stop Suze going into every pub we passed – she slumped on the sofa and ignored the glass of water I'd handed her.

‘This is what happens,' she said. ‘This is my life.'

I exchanged a glance with George.

‘It's not what happens,' I said, sounding a bit like my old headmistress. ‘It's what you make happen. No one made you go out and get smashed tonight. That was all your doing. It's no one's fault but your own.'

Suze narrowed her eyes at me.

‘It's their fault,' she said. ‘Those bastards.'

‘Walter and Vic,' I said, remembering the man in the café earlier. ‘This is about them?'

Suze started to cry and I suddenly felt awful for being cross with her.

‘Sweetheart,' I said. ‘What's the matter? You're doing so well.'

‘I saw Vic,' Suze said. ‘And I was so scared. I was so frightened he'd seen me too and that he'd find me. Or he'd go and tell Walter. And he'd find me.'

‘They've gone,' I said. ‘You've had a horrible, horrible time but it's over now.'

I gripped her hand and she looked into my eyes.

‘It's over, but I can't stop remembering,' she said simply. ‘And the only way I've found to stop remembering is to get drunk. And when getting drunk doesn't work, I smoke marijuana. Or take a Valium. And back when I first moved to London – when I was part of that life – taking Valium didn't work either, so I took other stuff. But I stopped. And it wasn't easy. And I don't want to go back, Nancy.'

She was crying properly now, big messy tears. Her hair was tousled and her eyeliner was halfway down her face. I felt so sorry for her. I pulled her into my arms and stroked her hair like she was a toddler who'd fallen over and I was her mum.

‘It's going to be okay,' I said. ‘It's all going to be okay. You've got me now, and George, and lots of friends. We're all going to look out for you. And those bastards aren't going to come back. Vic can't have seen you today – you moved so fast. And even if he did catch a glimpse of you, he won't be certain.'

Suze wiped away a tear from her jaw with the heel of her hand.

‘Do you think?' she said.

‘I know. Men like them are bullies and cowards and they always choose the easy route,' I said. ‘There's no way he'd put in the effort needed to find you.'

Suze nodded, though she didn't look convinced. Her eyes were drooping and I gently guided her to the bed and helped her lie down.

‘Thanks Nancy,' she said. ‘You're my best friend.'

Chapter 37

I woke the next day in Suze's bed, where I'd crept after George left in the early hours. We'd talked late into the night about Suze and her reaction simply to seeing this Vic.

‘What if he does come back? I asked George. ‘I'm scared about what she might do.'

George smiled sadly.

‘Frank had a friend like Suze,' he said. ‘He was a really talented photographer but there was something inside him that he couldn't live with. He drank and he took drugs just to silence that inner voice.'

‘That's not like Suze,' I pointed out. ‘It's not something inside her, it's not something that's wired wrong or her hormones or anything like that. It's something that happened to her.'

‘Maybe she should see a shrink,' George said.

I made a face.

‘Really?'

‘Might help,' George said. ‘Give her some ways to cope with everything that happened to her.'

‘S'pose,' I said. ‘What happened to Frank's friend?'

‘He died,' admitted George. ‘But like you said, what was wrong with him wasn't the same as what's up with Suze.'

We talked back and forth, trying to work out how we could help Suze. I was adamant that if we could just get jobs at Mode, and a flat together, then things would be all right.

‘It will solve all our problems,' I told George. ‘I'll be away from my dad, and Suze will have something else to think about and her life won't be so… chaotic… and I'll be around to look after her.'

But George wasn't sure.

‘I'm just worried this is bigger than we think,' he said. ‘And I'm worried that this man could come back at any time and she'll go off the rails again.'

‘I think the trouble with Suze is that she's never had anyone,' I said. ‘Apart from that teacher who wanted to take her in, no one's ever really cared about her. I need to show her that we're here for her.'

George nodded.

‘You've got a good heart, Nancy Harrison,' he said.

‘I'll speak to her tomorrow,' I said. ‘I'm sorry our night together didn't work out.'

George leaned over and kissed me.

‘It doesn't matter,' he said. ‘We'll have hundreds of nights together. Thousands. Millions even.'

When he'd gone, I pulled on a nightshirt and climbed into bed with Suze. She was out for the count and didn't even stir and I was dead to the world a few seconds later. It had been an exhausting day.

When I woke up, though, Suze was nowhere to be seen. I washed my face and got dressed and as I was pulling on my tights, Suze came home.

‘You're awake,' she said. ‘Good. I've got breakfast.'

She had bacon rolls from Bruno, and some of his best, strongest coffee. She laid it all out on her rickety table and grinned at me.

‘Help yourself,' she said. ‘It's an apology.'

I sipped the coffee, which was scorching hot, and shook my head.

‘You don't have to apologise,' I said. ‘I know how much seeing Vic shook you up.'

‘Well a thank you then,' said Suze. ‘I don't know what I'd do without you. Was Gloria annoyed that I didn't turn up at the party?'

‘She didn't know,' I said, taking a bite of my roll. ‘No one ever knows which of us is Suze and which is Nancy. So she assumed I was Suze, and it was easier not to explain.'

‘Was it a good interview?'

‘It was fantastic,' I said, excitedly. ‘They're so nice and funny, and so keen to talk about something other than music. It'll make a great piece.'

There was a pause.

‘When are you going to write it?' Suze said.

I grinned.

‘I'd really like to do it today, while it's fresh in my mind,' I said. I reached out and took her hand. ‘That's if you don't mind.'

Suze shook her head.

‘Of course I don't mind,' she said. ‘It makes no sense for you to do the interview and me to write the article. Viva won't mind, as long as you hit the deadline.'

‘Once I've done the Viva piece, I'll write a slightly different one for our Mode application too,' I said.

‘It's all coming together,' Suze said. ‘As long as I don't ruin it all.'

‘You won't ruin it. Why would you?'

‘If Vic comes back, I'm not sure I can cope,' Suze said simply. ‘I just can't deal with it all.'

‘Of course you can cope,' I told her. ‘You've coped all along. You're much stronger than Vic or Walter, or anyone else who's been horrible to you along the way.'

Suze looked doubtful.

‘Oh Nance, I'm not sure I am. I'm not like you.'

I took her hand across the table.

‘You're much stronger than me,' I said. ‘You left, didn't you? I'm still there, avoiding my father and changing my clothes on the train.'

Suze gave me a weak smile.

‘You're the bravest person I know,' she said.

‘I've come to realise that the only person you can really rely on is yourself,' I said.

‘And each other,' said Suze.

We looked at each other for a minute. She was right. As much as she needed me, I needed her. We balanced each other out and we understood each other. I knew Dennis cared about me, and wanted to protect me, but he didn't really ‘get' me the way Suze did. His idea of looking after me meant me typing up school timetables in Leeds where he could keep an eye on me.

‘We're going to make this work,' I said suddenly. ‘Because we have to.'

Suze smiled.

‘It's our only chance,' she said.

‘I'm going to move in. Today, if that's okay?'

‘Of course it's okay,' she said. ‘Are you sure?'