The Form of Things Unknown (8 page)

CHAPTER 11

I wake up to Mom bursting through the door to my room. “Nat! What do you know about David's friend Colton?” She doesn't even bother to knock.

Oh Lord. I know lots of things. “Why?”

She drops down to sit on my mattress, not bothering to wait for me to scoot over. I have to pull my feet out from under her.

“Oof, this is uncomfortable. Honey, is David gay?”

Why am I stuck in the middle of this? I sit up slowly, rubbing my eyes in an attempt to stall. “What are you talking about?”

Mom folds her hands in her lap. “Grandma says her friend Agnes's son Colton is David's boyfriend. I told her that couldn't be true. Because I would know, right? David would have told us. Or you would have told us. Right?”

As long as I've been begging him to tell them, an evil imp inside me wants to tell her it's none of her business. David has always been the perfect son. Straight As, soccer trophies, never a discipline problem, never any teen drama. I was the troublesome one. Sneaking out with boys. Coming home tipsy. Having a psychotic break at the spring break bonfire.

“I think Colton is gay,” I say carefully. “He loves your cupcakes, by the way.”

“Nat, you know we won't be upset if David's gay. Of course I'd still love him. I'd just be upset if he didn't think he could tell us.”

I know it's not Mom; it's Dad that my brother is worried about. But I can't tell Mom that. It's not my place to tell her these things. Even if Grandma has already spilled the beans.

Hateful woman.

I sigh. “I really don't know anything,” I say finally. “Can I have a cupcake for breakfast?”

Mom gives up. “Your father would still love him, too, you know.” She goes back downstairs, without a yes or a no on the cupcakes.

Grandma is in the kitchen, drinking her coffee. I guess she hasn't spread enough malicious gossip for the day. And anyway, how does she know about Colton and David? She doesn't hang out with any of her friends anymore. She never goes anywhere.

“Are you sure you should be eating one of those for breakfast?” she asks, watching me take a cupcake and put it on a paper plate.

She has no right to tell me what to do, and I'm not feeling very polite this morning. “Mom didn't answer when I asked. That means, while she might not approve, she didn't say no, and she's not here to clarify.”

Grandma rolls her eyes. “In that case, hand me one, too.”

Back in Athens, one of Mom's best-selling flavors was a triple chocolate concoction called Prozac, because you couldn't help but feel happier after eating one.

I wish I could make everyone happy that easily.

“Grandma, how did you know about David?”

She finishes her cupcake and wipes her mouth with a napkin. “He told me when he was twelve. When he came to Savannah and stayed that summer with your grandfather and me.”

A whole year before he came out to me.

I can hear my phone ringing upstairs, but it stops before I get back to my room. I missed a call from Raine. I call her back and she's frantic.

“Girl, I'm desperate and I think you can help me. I'm supposed to babysit Lucas's sister today, but I have to ride with my dad over to Tybee. If Lucas says it's okay, can you watch her? It's only from two to six, after her summer camp lets out, and then you can take her to play practice with you.”

“But I don't have a car,” I say. And I really don't think Lucas will agree to let a fellow psych patient babysit his little sister.

Raine sighs heavily. “Okay, you have a license, right? I can leave my car with you, since I'll be stuck in a truck all day with Dad. Please? Lucas only has one other backup babysitter and Mrs. Tully is in the hospital.”

Grandma must have returned to her bedroom, because now I hear “And I Love Her” blasting from downstairs. She is in a mellow mood today.

“What about Starla?” I ask.

“She's working at the Pirate House today. It's only four hours and he'll pay you twenty dollars. I know that's not much, but he really can't afford much more.”

“That's fine,” I say. “I'll do it. If Lucas says it's okay.”

“Why wouldn't he? He'll be ecstatic that I solved his problem for him.”

“Shouldn't his dad be the one handling Caitlyn's babysitting?”

“Lucas's dad hasn't been right since his mom died. Honestly, I would have expected him to attempt suicide before I would have expected Lucas to do it. And after Lucas came back from Winter Oaks, I guess his dad felt guilty for failing Lucas, too, and he just gave up.”

“Gave up on what?” I ask.

“He gave up on everything.” She sighs again and I can hear her exasperation. “Can you watch Caitlyn or not?”

“I guess so. If Lucas says it's okay.”

“Thank you. I'll text him right now.”

“No problem.” But that is a lie. What if he tells her no and tells her why he doesn't want me watching his sister? What if he tells Raine I'm too crazy to be responsible for little kids?

I jump in the shower, afraid that Raine and Starla are about to find out what a weirdo I am. Because I'm certain Raine will tell Starla the moment she finds out. And then I will lose two more friends.

I don't know why I'm even bothering. I shouldn't even try to have a social life here. It will only be a matter of time before I slip and do something that will land me back at Winter Oaks. Or possibly someplace worse.

When I get out of the shower, the Beatles are still blaring. I check my phone and there is a single text from Raine.
He says okay!

I sink down on my bed, half-relieved and half-scared out of my mind. What am I going to do with a five-year-old for four hours?

I decide to wear one of my Disney shirts—it's a picture of the stained-glass window from
Beauty and the Beast
—and wait for Raine to bring me her car.

I tell Mom about my plans for the afternoon. She looks worried. “Are you going to bring the little girl back here?”

And suddenly I realize what she's thinking. Grandma. I can't watch Caitlyn here after all. There goes my plan for having Mom around as a backup babysitter. “No, I guess I'll have to sit with her at the Grants' house.”

Raine brings her car over before ten. “Sorry about dropping all of this in your lap. Here are the keys, Caitlyn is at the summer camp on Pine, she gets out at two, and she will have already had lunch. Don't let her talk you into taking her to McDonald's.”

“Does she have a house key?” I ask.

Raine shakes her head. “Her father is home, but Lucas doesn't want her hanging out around the house when he's not there.”

“Okay,” I say, regretting that I called her back this morning.

Still, this is for Caitlyn, and I'm happy to help. Maybe I can take her to the playground or the mall or something. It's going to be okay. I try to smile as I take the car keys from Raine. “Have a good trip.”

“Thanks, Nat. You're a lifesaver!”

* * *

Raine's Fiat is easy to drive, and I find the summer camp fifteen minutes early. I wait in line with a bunch of minivans and SUVs. I feel weird. When the kids are released, Caitlyn runs and jumps in the car. “You're not Raine! You're the fairy queen!” she says.

“You can call me Natalie,” I say. “Raine had to do something with her dad today, so Lucas said it was okay for you to hang out with me for a few hours.”

“Am I your minion?” she asks suspiciously. “Do I have to do everything you say?”

I'm pretty sure it's a trick question. “Do you have to be Raine's minion when she watches you? She's not even a fairy queen.” I sigh when I realize she's still waiting for my answer. “As long as you don't do anything dangerous like play in traffic or run with scissors, we'll be okay.”

“Can we go to McDonald's? I'm starving.”

I grin. “I know you're lying, little girl, but that's okay.”

She shrugs.

The playground at McDonald's is fenced, and there aren't any crazy people here. Other than me, of course. “Do you like nuggets or cheeseburgers?” I ask.

She wrinkles her nose. “Neither. I like the fries.”

We get French fries and chocolate shakes and sit at one of the plastic tables outside. Even in the shade, it's hot, and I wish I'd picked the McDonald's with the indoor playground. But last time I babysat a two-year-old, he climbed up into the play tunnel and I couldn't talk him into coming out.

“Do you like being in the play?” I ask.

“Mmm-hmm,” Caitlyn says. “The donkey head guy is kinda weird, though. Do you like him?”

“My character, Titania, is supposed to like him. But only because Oberon and Puck put a magic spell on her.”

“Lucas doesn't like him.”

“Why not?” I can't remember ever seeing them have anything to do with each other.

“I don't know,” she says, pushing her fries away. “And he doesn't like Maizy, either, because she was mean to me and Starla told him that she was a drug addict. Can I go on the slide now?”

“Maizy was mean to you?”

“She yelled at me when I was singing the
Sponge Bob
song. I don't think she really does drugs, though. I heard Mrs. Green talking on the phone yesterday and she told someone that she was sorry for the misunderstanding and that Maizy was welcome to stay in the play.” Caitlyn stands up. “I'm going to slide.”

“Sure.” I look at the time on my phone. 2:25. I have no idea why Starla thinks Maizy is a drug addict. Or why a five-year-old would know these things. Only three and a half more hours to go.

* * *

Of course, I can't keep a five-year-old hostage at McDonald's for four hours. When she's finally played enough and finished her shake and fed the rest of her fries to the birds (ugh), I decide we'd better go on to the house. Maybe Grandma will stay in her room.

“Ooh, you have a tall house,” Caitlyn says as we pull up behind Mom's car. “I wish we had an upstairs.”

“My bedroom is up top in the attic,” I say as we get out. “Want to see it?”

“Sure. Ooh, a kitty. Does she bite?”

Not as much as Grandma does. “She's mostly friendly. Her name is Zora.”

The minute Caitlyn sits down on the front step, the cat rubs up against her legs and purrs. “She likes me!” Caitlyn is ecstatic. “I used to have a cat, but Lucas is allergic so we had to give it away.”

This poor motherless, catless child. And it sounds like she doesn't have much of a father around, either. Lucas is all she's got. No wonder he feels the weight of the world on his shoulders.

He's too young to be raising a five-year-old, I think. “Caitlyn, how old is your brother?” I ask.

She shrugs. “I'm five. I'll be six in December.”

And that tells me nothing. “Does he go to high school?” I press.

“I think he should have graduated last year, but he got sick and had to go in the hospital. Does Zora know any tricks?”

I shouldn't be grilling Lucas's little sister for information about him. When the cat meows and scratches on the door, I unlock it. “Come on. Did you know my mom is the best cupcake baker in all of Georgia? Let's see if she has some for us to eat.”

“Does she make chocolate cupcakes?” Caitlyn asks, following me inside.

The cat darts inside and disappears down the hall, tired of the five-year-old's attention.

“Come back, Zora,” Caitlyn wails.

In the kitchen, I see a plate sitting out with chocolate frosted cupcakes waiting for us. Prozac to drown our sorrows.

CHAPTER 12

Caitlyn and I are watching the Disney Channel in the living room when Lucas arrives. We both have stomachaches. She ate two cupcakes, on top of the fries and milk shake from earlier.

Mom answers the door and shows Lucas into the living room. Caitlyn gives him a chocolatey smile.

“Let's get you washed up before you go home,” I say. “Come into the kitchen with me.”

Mom tries to give Lucas a box of cupcakes to take home, and he tries to politely refuse.

“Mrs. Roman says her cupcakes make people happy,” Caitlyn tells him, while I scrub her face with a wet paper towel. “We need to take some home to Dad.”

Lucas blushes. I want to give Lucas, his dad, his sister, everyone in the whole world Prozac cupcakes. I wish making people happy was my superpower. The power to banish sadness.

“Well, in that case,” Lucas says, taking the box Mom is holding out, “thank you very much, Mrs. Roman.” He turns to me, handing me an envelope. “And thank you, Natalie. I don't know what I would have done without you today.”

“You don't have to pay me for today,” I say, opening the front door. “Caitlyn and I just hung out for the afternoon. It's not like I'm a professional babysitter. I don't even know CPR.”

“Lucas can teach you,” his sister says. “He's a lifeguard and a pizza chef.”

Lucas rubs his eyes. “Not a chef, Cait. Just a delivery boy.”

At some point, Caitlyn has managed to wrench the box of cupcakes away from Lucas and Mom has disappeared back into the house. Caitlyn skips across the yard to his Cherokee, and gets in the backseat. “ 'Bye, Natalie! Thanks for the fries!”

Lucas raises his eyebrows, but doesn't ask. “Thanks again.”

We're standing so close on the porch, I can smell coconuts. Suntan lotion. He must have been working as a lifeguard today. He's wearing khaki shorts and a navy T-shirt. I try to imagine him in swim trunks and blush. “Anytime,” I say quickly. “She's awesome.”

“See you at practice tonight?” he asks, his eyes lighting up. With hope, maybe?

I nod. “I'll be there.”

“Good.”

And we have nothing more to talk about, so he shuffles back to his car and takes his sister home.

* * *

Mom swoops down on me as soon as I come back inside. “So? Tell me about Lucas. He's cute, and his sister is adorable. That was really sweet of you to refuse money for watching her.”

I sigh. It's not like I can talk about him with anyone else. Not Raine or Starla, and not David. “He was at Winter Oaks with me,” I say. And I want to add, AND I THINK I LIKE HIM, but I see the hopeful expression in her face fall.

“Oh.”

“So I don't think either one of us is dating material right now,” I hurry to tell her. “But yes, he's cute. And smart.” And even more adorable than his sister.

Mom squeezes my shoulder. “He probably needs a friend more than a girlfriend right now.”

As much as it kills me to admit it, I know my mom is right.

“Do you know why he was hospitalized?” she asks.

“They said he was depressed,” I say. “But he doesn't act like he's depressed.” And he definitely doesn't seem suicidal. Is he on Prozac or some other potent antidepressant? Maybe he's too busy to be depressed. Or maybe he's so busy he doesn't have time to be a normal teenager anymore and that's why he was depressed. Maybe he resents his mom for dying and his dad for not being a parent. I kind of resent his dad for not being a parent and I've never even met the man.

Grandma comes out of her bedroom and sets her empty coffee mug in the sink. “Bad news to be messing around with a fellow psych patient,” she says. “How do you know what feelings are real and what's just his pills?”

I don't even know what my feelings for Lucas are right now. The thought that those feelings might be caused by chemicals is just depressing. Or maybe he just seems so interesting to me because he's forbidden.

Mom rolls her eyes when Grandma turns her back. “You're just friends, right?”

“Just friends,” I say. Trying to convince myself there could never be anything more.

“And please tell me you're on some sort of birth control,” Grandma says, on her way back to her room. “The last thing you need to do is breed little crazy brats.”

“Oh my God! Can we not discuss my sex life right now?” Even if her warning isn't necessary, she's right. It's probably safer if I don't ever have kids. The possibility of passing on Grandma's crazy genes is too great. And I wouldn't want to wish schizophrenia on any child.

Why does my grandmother have to ruin everything?

* * *

After practice, I ride up to the Pirate House with David. Colton is working the late shift, so he doesn't have time to chat with David. My brother is pouting into his mocha.

David glares at a customer that Colton is smiling at. A pretty girl. “Quit acting so jealous,” I whisper.

David sighs. “He really can't turn his charm off.”

“He's a barista,” I say. “He's supposed to be charming. Surly baristas don't get tips.”

My brother is still pouting.

“David, are you ever going to tell Mom and Dad? You know, Grandma said something this morning to Mom. I don't think Mom believes her, but now she is wondering.”

David almost spits out his coffee.

“Grandma said you told her before you even told me.”

He shrugs, playing with his cup holder. “I was stuck with her all that summer. I didn't have you to talk to.”

“What's the worst that could happen if you tell our parents? You know they aren't going to disown you. Or stop loving you. You know that, right?”

“Of course I do. But they have a lot on their plate right now. With Grandma. With you.”

“I'm fine,” I say, hurt that he's still using my fragile sanity as an excuse. “You need to talk to them. Before Grandma does.”

“So, where are your friends tonight?” David asks, glancing around.

He's not so subtle about changing the subject. “Fine. Raine is with her dad, but I don't know where Starla is.” She never answered my text when I asked if she wanted to meet us here. “How long have you known the girls?” I ask.

“As long as I've known Colton, I guess. Since my first semester at SCAD last fall.”

“And Lucas, too?”

“Yeah, I guess. He and Starla were dating when I first met Colton.”

My heart stops beating. It takes an eternity for it to lurch forward again. “They what? Starla is the evil ex?” I ask. That makes no sense.

David looks at me funny. “Didn't you know? Oh. Oh no, Natalie. You and Lucas aren't . . .”

I shake my head. “No. Of course not. I just, I just didn't know.”

“It wasn't a bad breakup. They're still friends, obviously.”

“But she dumped him right after his mom died!” I say.

My brother stares at me again. “I thought you didn't know about it.”

“I didn't know it was her.” Starla and Lucas. Why didn't Raine ever say anything? None of this makes sense. Can I trust David and tell him about Lucas at Winter Oaks? I know there are laws that they drilled into our heads while I was there, to respect the privacy of other patients. There was a girl there whose dad was the sheriff of a neighboring county. Not that I would have recognized her or her dad, and not like I would have told the media she was there. But the staff made a big deal over patient confidentiality.

I can't tell David. “Nat, amicable split or not, I don't think he's ready for a new relationship. He had to go away for a while after his mom died to get his head on straight. I mean, he's a great guy. He's stars above your previous stunners, but I don't think he needs any more instability in his life, you know?” My brother looks down at his drink. “And I don't think you're ready for a new relationship, either.”

“Relax. Grandma told me the same thing this morning.” As he looks up at me, I wave my hands. “I know—relationship advice from her, right? Not that there's any truth to it. Okay? Stop worrying.”

He has the nerve to look relieved. And he's not telling me anything I haven't already heard, haven't already thought. But it still hurts to hear it from my brother.

And to discover Starla, in the starring role of THE EVIL EX. Does Lucas still have feelings for her? Does she regret breaking up with him?

My head is killing me. I rub my eyes.

“Are you getting tired?” David asks. “Want me to take you home?”

“Only if you come inside and talk to Mom and Dad.”

He rolls his eyes. “Or you could just walk home.”

“I'm scared of the homeless people,” I say.

Colton comes over to our booth and bumps David with his hip. “Scoot over. What are you two plotting over here?”

“Shenanigans,” I mutter.

Colton's kohl-lined eyes widen. “Sounds sexy. God, this night is dragging on forever. What are we doing after I close?”

“I've got to take her home,” David says. “Then I can come back and help you clean up.”

“About to turn into a pumpkin?” Colton asks me. “It's not even nine o'clock.”

“David wants to get rid of me so you two can clean.”

“She's funny,” he tells David. “Are you going to come to SCAD when you graduate, Natalie?”

I shrug. I always thought I'd go to UGA when I graduated, with Andria and the rest of my friends in Athens. Caleb. He wanted to major in business.

“Are you sure you're okay?” David asks. “You're looking kinda pale.”

“Just tired. I'll see you later, Colton.” I get up and throw my cup away to give them a few seconds of privacy.

I'm glad I never got any closer to Lucas. I'm really glad we're just friends, and that all we'll ever be is friends. Because I'm friends with Starla, too, and friends' exes are always off-limits.

David refuses to come inside the house and talk. Both cars are in the drive, so Dad is actually home for once. “They're probably already asleep.”

“It's only nine,” I say. “But don't get mad when Grandma outs you.”

“Ha-ha. Do you think they'll believe her? They'll probably think she's hallucinating.”

“Whatever.” The fact that he's joking about her illness makes me irritated. I slam the door shut when I get out.

He rolls the window down and shouts, “Don't forget practice tomorrow. We'll probably be going out to eat afterward.”

“Fine.” I don't bother to look back at him. Zora is waiting by the front door again. I unlock it and she darts inside.

Mom and Dad are arguing again, behind the closed door of their bedroom this time. I can't make out what they're saying, just the angry tones of their voices.

My phone beeps again as I'm climbing the stairs to the attic. I dig it out of my purse so I can silence it before it wakes up Grandma. I don't want her to hear Mom and Dad fighting.

I want to throw up. I never truly believed Starla's trick would keep him from bothering me again, but still, I had hoped.

I don't want to answer, but I need to make him stop. He needs to know I'm not interested in talking to him ever again.
Leave me alone, Caleb. We are through
, I text back.

Oh my God.
Get over it.

I put my phone down and walk to the window. I don't want to deal with him right now. I don't exactly blame him for my psychotic break, but I might have made it through high school without a possible early onset of schizophrenia if it hadn't been for him talking me into trying ecstasy. I know I shouldn't blame him. I made the decision to take the stupid drugs. I'd been an official member of the party circuit in Athens for years. I should have known the risks. Especially to someone with fragile sanity genes like mine. But I was a fool for Caleb. I thought he loved me. I wanted to make him happy.

I get ready for bed and go to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I try to ignore the constant beeping of my phone. Before I crawl into bed, I turn the phone over to place it on silent.

He's sent me several more texts.

I turn my phone off completely, wishing I could turn my anger off just as easily.