The Fran Lebowitz Reader (25 page)

If, however, you do not think of something—and animal lovers being a singularly intractable lot, chances are that you won’t—I have decided to direct the remainder of my remarks to the pets themselves in the hope that they might at least learn to disport themselves with dignity and grace.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater … suggest that he wear a tail.

If you have been named after a human being of artistic note, run away from home. It is unthinkable that even an animal should be obliged to share quarters with anyone who calls a cat Ford Madox Ford.

Dogs who earn their living by appearing in television commercials in which they constantly and aggressively demand meat should remember that in at least one Far Eastern country they
are
meat.

If you are only a bird in a gilded cage—count your blessings.

A dog who thinks he is man’s best friend is a dog who obviously has never met a tax lawyer.

If you are an owl being kept as a pet, I applaud and encourage your tendency to hoot. You are to be highly commended for expressing such a sentiment. An owl is, of course, not a pet at all; it is an unforgivable and wistful effort in the direction of whimsy.

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

F
ollowing are a few selected pages from the forthcoming auction catalogue of the estate of Frances Ann Lebowitz.

Length 19 inches (48 cm)

See illustration.

1. KORD (BRAND NAME)

Thus is inscribed this important example of popularly priced hot plate. White enameled metal with black brand-name inscription and dials, this two-burner plate was personally
delivered to its present owner by Mr. Roper, the absentee building superintendent long thought to be a mythical figure. While actual physical manifestation of Mr. Roper is of keen interest to those scholars and collectors dedicated to a more detailed and esoteric study of
Memento Pori
, or
Reminders of Poverty
, it should be noted that his appearance was a singular one and that he himself is not offered with this lot.

The Kord, however, replaced an earlier hot plate widely believed to have been formerly owned (and used) by all of Mr. Roper’s antecedents.

The Kord is interestingly proportioned, featuring two burners but lacking room for two pans. This feature possibly derives from the landlord’s insistence on thematic discomfort.

The Frances Ann Lebowitz Collection, one of the largest ever assembled (in an apartment of that size) of
Memento Pori
effectively chronicles man’s reaction to having no money from the end of the nineteen-sixties, through latter-nineteen-seventies acquisitions, until the present day.

All artistic media are represented: carvings in furniture, impressions in wall paint, and works in many metal alloys.

To explore all the various moods and historic events that influenced the creation of these objects would be a lengthy task. Some are flimsy, some jerry-built and others merely outmoded, but all seem to reflect man’s underpayment of writers on this earth.

The Kord hot plate with its two burners and two dials reminds us that lack of funds is the ultimate poverty and that there is no way to avoid this fact. Possibly the inscription under each dial states it most clearly:
High, Medium, Low.

2.
BROIL KING TOASTER OVEN
EARLY/LATE NINETEEN-SIXTIES

Emblazoned on one side with the Broil King logo, a sort of crown, and on the other side with the legend “infra red Bake ‘N’ Broil.” Trimmed in black plastic, containing aluminum rack and glasslike window, ornamental wire and plug.

Length 17 inches (43 cm)

See illustration.

3. IMPORTANT ROWE SLEEP-OR-SOFA SOFA BED SECOND HALF NINETEEN SEVENTY-ONE

Executed in plywood, upholstered with a foam-type substance and covered in brown wide-wale cotton corduroy; mattress in blue, gray and white ticking, black-and-white clothish label (do not remove under penalty of law).

Width: 3 feet (.9 m) (when sofa)
6 feet (1.8 m) (when bed)

See illustration.

4.
PRIM ROSE CHINA HAND-PAINTED UNDER GLAZE BY NATIONAL BROTHERHOOD OF OPERATIVE POTTERS NINETEEN THIRTY-NINE?

Once the everyday dairy dishes of Mr. and Mrs. Phillip Splaver of Derby, Connecticut, these dessert and dinner plates were originally acquired at the West End Movie Theater in Bridgeport, Connecticut. Fortuitously (the theater owner was Mr. Splaver’s brother-in-law), these outstanding vessels (once part of a complete set) painted with gray, black and red streaks on a field of white, were obtained without the principals being compelled to attend a wearying succession of Dish Nights. 3
pieces.

Diameters: 10 1/2 inches (26.6 cm)
7 1/2 inches (19 cm)

See illustration.