The Further Adventures of an Idiot Abroad (6 page)

Most places I visit I do try to learn a few words like ‘Hello’ and ‘Thank you’, but during this trip it was hard to keep up as they say Vanuatu has over
100 languages in use among the 230,000 population. I don’t know how a place can run like this. Surely a lot of people have to speak a certain language for it to qualify as one. If the
Teletubbies moved here they’d have to add that language to their list, too. English is used a little, and so is French, with Bislama being the main national language. It was hard to
understand when being spoken, but it was possible to work it out when written down. While driving to meet the rest of the villagers with Albi and JJ, I saw a sign that read SLO DENJA which meant
SLOW DANGER. They write down words how they sound, which is good. It’s how it should be, really. I don’t know why we started using silent letters in the English language like using a
‘p’ to sound like an ‘f’ in the word ‘phonetic’ or an ‘x’ in ‘xylophone’. Why not ‘zilofone’? Our words have become so long
and complicated we’ve had to come up with abbreviations to help us use words we don’t know how to spell. If I was in charge of the dictionary I would have a right clear-out of words.
Words like ‘necrophilia’ I’d get rid of. If someone has that (attraction to dead bodies), I’d make them say, ‘I fancy dead bodies’. Then, at least when they tell
people, they might realise how mental it sounds rather than it being hidden in a posh word. And then they’ll stop having the problem. The fact that it has its own word makes it seem more
acceptable.

On the rest of the trip I spent most of my time looking at billboards and signs to work out what they were saying. It was like looking at those images that were popular in the 1980s where if you
stared at them for long enough you’d see a monkey riding a unicorn. Some examples for you: ‘Mi wantem’ is ‘I would like’. ‘Mi wantem’ sounds like ‘Me
want them’, which equals ‘I would like’. ‘Bitwin’ is ‘between’. ‘Bisnis’ is ‘business’. By now you’ve probably got the hang
of it, so I don’t have to tell you what ‘Gud moning’ means. If you’re still struggling you’re a ‘dik ed’.

I gave Albi the photos of Prince Philip that Luke had cut from magazines and he was really really happy with them, so I gave him the coin as well. He was even more chuffed. Luke said I’d
made a bit of an error giving Albi the coin, as I should have saved it for the main chief of the village. We didn’t have any more coins, so I wanted him to hide it, but this is the problem
with wearing nothing but a wicker knob coverer – there’s nowhere for small change. I gestured that he should hold it tight in his hand and show no one.

We got to the village after an hour’s drive. All eyes were on me as I got out the back of the van. They stared at me stony-faced and the only noise came from a pair of scrawny-looking dogs
having it away and the flapping of a British flag they were flying high. I’ve never been a fan of flags. I don’t think they’re neccesary anymore. When I see the British flag I
don’t feel it’s important to me. Maybe before the invention of words they were handy to mark a territory, but now, what are they for? I see people waving them at sporting events, but
most of the time I don’t know what country the flag is from. When Neil Armstrong put a flag on the moon what would it mean to someone from another planet who landed and saw it? When he stuck
it into the moon’s surface it just stood there, like one of Suzanne’s mam’s towels when she’s forgotten to use softener, all hard and stiff. The only good thing about a flag
is, you can wash them and then put them straight back out to use, and they can dry while doing their job. The only proper use of our flag is that if you fly the British flag upside down it is a
distress signal, but then not many people know that, and what are the chances of having a flag on you when in a distressed moment?

I think the whole of the village was out to greet me, but then I suppose when you live in mud huts any excuse to get out is a good one. Albi was definitely the happiest man in the village, but
was that just because he was five quid up? JJ led me to see the collection of photos of Prince Philip they had hung on a piece of string. Some were cut from magazines, some were postcards. Then I
came across one of JJ and Albi wearing dinner jackets along with a few others, stood next to Prince Philip. I don’t like wearing suits as I always feel overdressed, but that saying has never
been more apt for JJ and Albi. They looked really different in a suit. JJ said they went to meet him at Windsor. Normally, to get this close to Philip you’d have to take part in the Duke of
Edinburgh Awards. A lad at school climbed some mountain in Scotland and got the award, but I don’t think he got to meet him. I thought I was getting involved in the DoE Awards when my school
sent me to hand out biscuits at the local mental home, but it turned out I was just sent to help. To this day I don’t really know why I was sent there instead of being in school.

I like the way they have a god who they can actually contact and get answers from. People have lots of different gods, but how many of them can say they’ve had a photo with them like some
of these lot have? They believed in something that made them happy, so what does it matter? A lot of people would be keen to tell them it’s nonsense, but sometimes the truth doesn’t
matter. I think we’re too keen to state the truth about everything. There was a programme on Channel 5 ages ago called
The Truth about the Killer Squid
as if its lies were that
important.

JJ asked me to join everyone for food. As we sat on the ground I noticed everyone that faced me had beards, which I remember Seaplane Paul had said was the sign of a death. Suzanne tells me I
look like a scruff when I don’t shave, but if I was walking about nude like this lot what’s the point in having a nice smooth face when my hairy arse and back would be on show for
everyone to see? I asked who had died, and they said it was the supreme chief who had reached 111 years old. Maybe he was – it’s a healthy lifestyle – but when living like this I
imagine it’s easy to get dates wrong. Every day would feel the same. Why do they need to know if it’s Thursday? They don’t have bins to put out or bills to pay by a certain date,
they do what they need to do when it needs doing. Simple.

My mam only needs to know what day it was so she’d know which TV soap to watch, but since
Coronation Street
,
EastEnders
and
Emmerdale
seem to be on every night
these days I don’t think she has a clue what day it is.