The Girl Code (9 page)
Useful Tactics Include:
Using Caller ID to avoid his calls,
Writing “Return to Sender” on any mail that has his handwriting on it,
Telling him—not so softly—that this is a waste of time and that he should leave you alone,
Moving to another state.
As an Object of Obsession:
“I've been screening my calls for weeks now—Hungry Rabbit is still trying to dig his way back in.”
The Code of Behavior and Ethics
These are the life lessons, gathered over the years with your girlfriends that amount to a code of honor shared by all. These lessons, about friendship, dating, and a few un mentionables, are the kind of insider information that doesn't come in textbooks. Study hard, girls, there will be no makeup exam.
“Play at your own risk but play to win”
—D.F.
WINGMAN
First thing to keep in mind when heading out to the front lines is.
Never Ever Leave Your Wingman
. Your wingman is the girl you plan and proceed through this night with. She is your eyes and ears when you're not looking and the one who will carry you back home if your ego or your liver is injured in battle. You are a team, out there in the trenches together. Go get ‘em, girls.
DRESSING FOR BATTLE
Wingmen call each other up to discuss their ensembles before going out to the bar so they can be appropriately matched. After agreeing that you will wear a pantsuit and she will wear a sweater and skirt, it is not okay for either of you to show up in leather and high heels. As wingmen, you should be dressed to kill but also to complement each other.
P.S.
If your girlfriend breaks this code more than once, lose her; she doesn't want a friend, she wants someone to play Robin to her Batman.
FRUGALITY BEGETS FRUGALITY
If you don't like loaning your makeup, jewelry, shoes, or clothing, or anything else your wingman might want to borrow for girls’ night out, then don't go asking for hers. If you want to play with her toys, you're going to have to share some of yours.
HEADING TO THE MINEFIELD
When two wingmen are driving to a drinking establishment and one girl already has a boyfriend to go home to, she drives. Reason no. 1: Single girl may need more alcohol to find herself a boy. Reason no. 2: Single girl may need to be dragged out of the bar by a friend who is not so desperate. When both girls are single, driving responsibilities should rotate or you should just go in the nicer of your two cars.
SCOPING
Like all good weekend warriors, wingmen looking for men in bars need to do some reconnaissance. You and your wingman should play a thorough game of “I spy” in shifts, in sections, under false pretenses, under false names—and don't forget under the table. But do it subtly, for that is the art of the scope.
DOING LAPS
These are the circles wingmen make going around and around and around the bar looking for their next target. Later you will go around and around and around the conversation, trying to figure out if he is right for you. (And you thought the only exercise you got at the bar was the eight-ounce curls.)
CALLING HIM
Girl A and Girl B sit at the bar. Girl A thinks guy in blue sweater is cute and expresses this aloud to Girl B.
Girl A has just called him! He is now permanently off-limits to Girl B.
Even if he begins chatting with Girl B, she can't go there unless she wants to sacrifice the friendship.
TRANSFORMERS
These are the men you call that seem really attractive from far away or before they open their mouths. But when they come closer or begin to speak, they reveal that you called them for no reason. Wingmen always reserve the right to take a transformer off the list.
DON'T BE A BITCH
If your wingman hits it off with someone who seems attractive, don't subtly flirt with him to see if he would go for you instead. First off, there is nothing subtle about it—we all know what you're doing. Second, go get your own damn guy.
THE ALBATROSS
If you can't find your own guy to chat with, don't become a weight around your wingman's neck while she chats to hers. Pouting, yawning, complaining, or excessive blabbing will not get you invited back to girls’ night out again.
ABANDONMENT
If you are the one chatting away with a guy, don't leave your wingman at the bar looking like prey. For the Record: After ninth grade, it's never cool to have long make-out sessions with your friend sitting next to you alone. Include your wingman in the conversation.
THE EXODUS
General Rule:
Whenever possible, leave a bar at least thirty minutes before closing so no one is really sure how desperate you are.
Otherwise:
When Girl A wants to leave, give Girl B at least a fifteen-minute window. Girl B is allowed to ask for one extension of an additional fifteen minutes. When such time has elapsed, both girls must leave.
NO DIVIDE AND CONQUER
Remember the first rule?
Never Ever Leave Your Wingman…
This counts at the end of the night also. Don't let your friend leave with a guy she just met, no matter how many drinks she has had.
Only Exceptions:
If she runs into someone she is currently sleeping with or someone from the recycling bin (see “Stages”). Basically, don't let friends drive drunk, and this doesn't only apply to automobiles.
“It's not the having it's the getting.”
—ELIZABETH TAYLOR
THROWING A RAP
When first meeting a guy, particularly if you have no long-term interest in him,
never let the truth get in the way of a good story.
As wingmen, you never contradict your friend's bullshit; rather, you should help her elaborate the tale as much as possible because if it gets her some, she will owe you big-time.
USING A CATCHER
The best wingman you could ask for is a girlfriend who is off the market. Married and otherwise committed teammates can be your “catcher.” Unlike real catchers, they screen prospective batters and help the good ones hit a home run. Very attractive catchers work two ways: First they interest people in the game, and later they have a built-in excuse to eject them if they strike out.
THE ASSESSMENT
When you're deciding whether you should make a pass at a man and you can't tell if he's interested, simply note how much time he's spending with you. If more than twenty-five minutes pass and you're still unable to greatly improve his job situation, he's interested, honey.
PIGEON-TOED DECISIONS
If you're still too chicken to roll the dice, remember this old standard: Men vote with their feet. If his shoes are pointed toward you, so is the thing in his trousers.
THROWING A FIRST-DEGREE PASS
The simplest and most casual way of asking a man out is to just offer him your number and remark how nice it would be if “you got together sometime for coffee.” Not a big deal—even if he doesn't call—and odds are, he's still not sure whether you're truly interested.
P.S.
And it doesn't matter at all if you don't drink coffee.