The Girls Who Went Away (37 page)

I always felt like there was a huge scale and that I could never balance it. I held myself responsible. I had so many mixed feelings. I wanted to keep this baby. I felt powerless to keep this baby. I wanted it to be over. I wanted to go back to being a normal person. I wanted the baby out of my life. I wanted the baby. I didn’t want the baby. I think it’s that ambivalence that is so hard for people to look at and admit. Most people will say, “Oh, I wanted my baby with all my heart, and they took the baby from me.” And they turn themselves into a victim. Anytime you get yourself into a situation like this, you have to see where you are partially responsible for it. It’s a two-way thing. I’ve been in a lot of situations like that. I’ve been in situations where it seems as though I’m the victim but in reality I’m a part of the equation.

I think a lot of it started with that terrible betrayal that I felt by not wanting my daughter so much that I would have done
anything
to keep her—like run away, run out of the hospital, take the baby. It’s like I
let
them take her. I let those nurses take her. I let my parents drive away with her. I let them do it, because part of me wanted them to take responsibility for making a decision that I couldn’t make myself. I think that’s where the horrible guilt comes from. It’s not so much the act of surrendering, it’s the passivity. It’s allowing somebody else to take control. And when they take control they are also taking responsibility. You can slide so easily into the victim role and just say, “This terrible thing was done to me.”

But the fact is that there is a complicity there that you have to look at. And that’s been another theme that runs through my life. It’s been really hard for me to face that. That’s the hardest thing for me. And, you know, it’s a really rough lesson to learn. It’s really hard to be very, very honest with yourself and look at yourself and see things that are not so nice. I think that’s something that is really important.

I don’t see people talking about that. I don’t think people want to look at that. I think it’s so much easier to just say, “I thought the best thing for my child would be to do this.” You know, I’m sorry. I have to say, I respect people who say that, but I find it hard to believe that anybody in that circumstance is so mature that they are thinking of what is best for their child. I think most people are surviving, and that’s the thing they’re so ashamed of. They’re so ashamed that they’re thinking of their own survival. The rock-bottom reality is you were thinking of your own survival more than your child’s.

Once you realize that, it does something to you. It’s like you’ve been put to a kind of test and you failed. You failed. So you punish yourself for a long time until you can get to a place where you can’t go any lower. And there’s something very liberating about that, because then you start coming back up out of it. You begin to see who and what you are. And you begin to see the importance of dharma and the importance of acting according to your principles and the importance of doing what you know is right.

I know in my heart I would never betray a trust again. Never. If someone said to me, “Your life will end right this minute and your daughter will be well, she’ll be over her myasthenia,” I wouldn’t even hesitate for a minute. It’s not because I’m some great soul or some highly advanced being; it’s just that I know what’s important now. And I will never compromise again.

In some ways, I wonder what kind of person I would have been if I had never lost my daughter. I would not have been the person I am now. I don’t like to see people with power abusing other people. I don’t like to see cruelty toward people or animals. I really hate cynicism and academic nastiness and all those little cruelties that people perpetrate on each other. I just have no tolerance for it.

I think this whole experience has made me incredibly strong. But if I had not been reunited with my daughter, I don’t think it would have made me strong. I think I would have continued to be very, very, very angry until I died of a heart attack.

After my daughter and I were reunited, she and her husband came to our loft. I showed her pictures of my Abyssinian cat, Gatey, who had died. This cat was so beautiful. And she said, “Oh, I just love these cats. You should get another.” And I said, “I’m saving up because I want to get two and they’re expensive.” So she and my husband, from November through Christmas,
were doing all this stuff to locate breeders to get me Abyssinian cats. It comes time for my birthday and she calls and says she’s got this present for me, and it’s in Newton, a woman there is making it. It’s something handmade and I should go and pick it up. I hung up and I’m thinking, “
Newton,
and it’s
handmade.
” What if she got me something like a Kitchen Witch or something like that, something really horrible. What am I going to do if it’s really ugly?

We drive into this development of split-level houses and I’m thinking, “Oh my God, what kind of thing is this woman making?” We come up to the house and I see these two little heads sticking up, and it’s cats. And I said to my husband, “Oh my God, look, she’s got cats! Look, they’re Abyssinians. This is so exciting!” So we go in and she says, “I’m finishing your present upstairs.” And I said, “You just take your time. I’ll play with your cats.” There are all these Abyssinian cats and I’m so excited I’m playing with them, and my husband looks at me, like, “What’s wrong with you?” And I’m just so happy hoping she’s going to take her time making her Kitchen Witch upstairs and I can play with her cats.

Then the phone rings and it’s my daughter calling from L.A. and she says, “How do you like your present?” And I said, “Well, she’s upstairs finishing it right now, so I haven’t seen it yet.” She says, “Don’t you
see
your present?” And I said, “Well, it’s handmade, isn’t it?” She said, “Yes. It’s made by God.” And then I got it. She said, “It’s cats, two cats.” She couldn’t believe that I would go there and be sitting there with these cats all over me and not think that she had gotten them for me.

She asked me about it later. She said, “How could you not know that they were for you?” And I said, “Listen, you know, I’ve gotten to the point in my life that when I see something that I really long for, I know it’s not for me.” That’s when I realized what losing her had done. My expectation was…that what I wanted was going to be held up in front of me and I was going to look at it but I could never have it. Just like the nurses holding her up. That’s what it does.

Search and Reunion

When I found my daughter and we started our relationship, I finally forgave that seventeen-year-old girl. It was a mending. I finally started doing things the way I had done them before. I regained the peacefulness that I used to have. I hadn’t been able to stop the turmoil in me or outside of me. Then all of a sudden it was like…“It’s okay, you don’t deserve to be punished. You’re not a screw-up.” It was an amazing moment for me to feel like I got put back together. And that has helped my relationship with my children and with everybody from that point on. My husband and I have an amazing relationship now. I accept things. I make decisions. I have comfort with things. I’m my own person again.

—Barbara

O
F THE WOMEN
I INTERVIEWED
, more than half have had contact with the child they surrendered for adoption. This percentage is no doubt higher than for the general population of relinquishing mothers because in many cases it was the reunion that brought women out of the closet. Mothers who are out are naturally more willing to tell their stories than those who are still keeping their secret. Of the mothers represented here who have been reunited, most all expressed great relief at knowing their child. They felt the reunion was the beginning of their healing process. However, a reunion is an emotionally complex process that is often fraught with anxieties for the many parties involved: the surrendering mother and father; their parents;
their subsequent spouses and children; the adoptee, his or her spouse and subsequent children; and their adoptive parents.

Many of the mothers I interviewed had not searched for but, rather, were found by their surrendered child. If an adoptee is able to obtain a copy of the original birth certificate the search can be relatively simple, but access to this document varies widely from state to state. In the 1930s, states began issuing revised birth certificates when adoptions were finalized. These amended birth certificates list the adoptive parents as the mother and father who gave birth to the child. The original birth certificate, with the name of the surrendering mother, is kept on file with the state, and before World War II these original birth certificates were generally available to adoptees and often to both sets of parents. But during the postwar adoption boom, most states sealed the unamended birth certificates, making them inaccessible to all parties, in part to prevent possible interference from the natural parents.
¹
In the process, most states closed the records to adoptees as well. The debate about reopening these sealed records is ongoing and emotionally charged, but the trend is slowly moving toward opening them.

Currently, there are only a few states that allow adoptees born in that state unconditional access to their birth certificate when they reach a particular age, usually eighteen or twenty-one. These states are Alabama, Alaska, Kansas, Oregon, and, as of January 2005, New Hampshire. Eighteen other states allow access under certain conditions, such as adoptions that took place before or after a specific date, or access with permission of the surrendering parent. The specific conditions vary considerably. In Pennsylvania, for example, records are open to adult adoptees if there is a waiver from the surrendering parent. In Ohio, records are open to adult adoptees if they were born prior to 1964, but not to adoptees born after that date. In Tennessee, adult adoptees may obtain a copy of their unamended birth certificate except in the case of rape or incest, where additional conditions apply. The remaining states, about half, require a court order.

Adoptees, mothers, and many adoptive parents have been campaigning to change the laws state by state, as have national organizations. American Adoption Congress (AAC) was formed in 1978 from many smaller organizations and is “committed to achieving changes in attitudes, policies, and legislation that will guarantee access to identifying information for all adoptees
and their birth and adoptive families.”
²
Bastard Nation, an adoptees’ rights organization, “advocates for the civil and human rights of adult citizens who were adopted as children.” Bastard Nation’s Web site has a full list of state disclosure laws and provides updates on pending legislation.
³

Most states will now provide adoptees with nonidentifying information. Such information may include the age, physical description, race, ethnicity, religion, medical history, and level of education of the surrendering parent or parents. About a third of the states will give surrendering mothers nonidentifying information about their child, and some states will even help facilitate a reunion. The laws, services, and location of this information vary considerably, but the National Adoption Clearinghouse provides an online state-by-state listing with details about who may access information, what is available, and which agency or department to contact.
⁴

Those who decide to search are generally categorized as either active or passive searchers. Active searchers work at locating the other person, whereas passive searchers generally limit their efforts to trying to make themselves findable. Hundreds of homegrown Internet Web sites have emerged to provide assistance, or space to post information. A quick Google search with the keywords “adoption reunion registry” will result in about 350 hits. It can be difficult to navigate through all of the information. Often those interested in a reunion join a support organization, where they can communicate with others who have conducted successful searches and who may be able to offer advice. Some mothers and adoptees try their hand at searching for a period of time and then turn to professional searchers, who can sometimes locate the missing person in as little as twenty-four hours. In some cases mothers, fathers, siblings, and adoptees pay private detectives or professional searchers considerable fees to locate a missing family member and in other cases “search angels,” or volunteer searchers, help for free.
⁵

With the trend toward more openness in adoptions, some adoption agencies will now facilitate a reunion between the parties they originally separated. But the willingness of agencies to cooperate in this endeavor varies. Some have systems in place and will, for a fee, conduct a search and serve as intermediaries between the parties involved. Other agencies will accept letters only from mothers, keeping them on file in the event that the adult child contacts the agency seeking information. It is a long-standing practice
for agencies to allow mothers to leave a letter in their child’s file and for several of the women I interviewed this later proved to be instrumental in their reunions. But this strategy has unfortunately left some mothers with a false sense of security, as in the case below.