The GOD Box (27 page)

He said, “Uh… I need a sleeping pill.”

“You’ve thought it through?” May asked, feeling very motherly. She wasn’t sure it was the best way to ask.

“Don’t test me right now!” He said angrily, pointing a finger. “Give me the pill!”

While she fumbled for the pill, he added
spitefully, “These sickening emotions need to be gone.”

Bitterness seemed to be
the bulk of his emotions. And loneliness. All he could do all day was think. May supposed that was enough to drive anyone crazy. His medicinal distractions were gone. Who knew how long it had been since he had felt normal emotions. Jonathan stared at her, as if he were delving into her soul with a fork and a knife.

Then, partially to her, and partially to himself
said, “I’m starting to get what Gabe said about everything being wrong.
You are creating rules.”

He stared back down at the ground hesitantly, as if he wasn’t sure he really existed, and he wanted to ask them if he did, but he was nervous.
Awkwardly, he went back inside.

This was the tamest Jonathan was for a few weeks after that. There were good days and bad
days and worse days. And mostly May no longer asked questions when he asked for the pills. Dane informed her that it was time he felt in control. Once and a while she’d give him a look of question, and then he’d curse and turn around, slamming his fist into something, and then proceed to drop the subject. But it was improvement.

That night after Jonathan went back inside May pulled out the little green book and handed it to Dane. He
opened it, passing a skeptical look to May, and then smiled. Time to dig deep. With a book that small it was hard for both to read at the same time, but they sat as close as their bodies would allow.

The two of them took turns circling words and backing up to ask for clarification on certain parts.
May hopped up after a while and she went into the house and came back out with paper. They made a chart: what Gabe thinks, what Jonathan thinks, what May and Dane think, what the book thinks.

It was hard to decipher. Basically they were doctors because it talked about them healing people all the time. It was impossible to decide the time length of the healing. There was no way it could be instantaneous.
Almost an entire chapter seemed beyond their comprehension, except when it talked about the ‘way of life’. This was the basis for the rest of their conversation. Was there a ‘way of life’? Or many?

Did it mean denying everything they wanted? Or re-defining everything they wanted
?

…

Too much information was flooding their brains. Dane stared at the page for a few minutes straight, totally lost in thought – May stared at the ground. Neither of them noticed until they came out of their stupors. The book slipped between Dane’s fingers and he groaned, putting his hands on his face as May often does. He tipped over and landed in fetal position with his head on his arms in May’s lap.

May leaned back on the house, “Did it really just take you being willing to slip into that darkness for him to cooperate?”

“It was my last resort.”

“I’m sorry you’re hurting.” She said with a small squeeze on his bicep
.

“I just watch him die, over and over and over again. Oh, God, I would give anything t
o forget. I wish I could just forget.” After that, he didn’t say more on the subject.

Before he fell asleep t
hey decided that even though it was a new experience to have enemies, they had friends somewhere in all the cities. That was reassuring. They talked about the possibilities of continuing warfare. So many unknowns, though many of which were highly unlikely. They still kept watch, just in case.

“All things
considered, good fighting today.” He smiled, but a different smile than usual, and turned over so he was facing her.

May laughed, “
I can’t believe we won.”

“
Me either.”

They turned at the sound of the door. Miek came out, caught their eyes looking ashamed, and then
seemed stuck where he was. “I
tried
. I can’t do what you do. I just can’t.”

May looked kindly, but concerned,
she didn’t have to say anything before he knew what she was thinking.

“Why is it bad? I don’t get it…” He looked down at the dirt.

May shrugged, “I can’t explain…
Sometimes our chains aren’t metal.”

Miek
kicked the brown grass uncomfortably and kept walking. Miek hated to disappoint her. May’s eyes followed after him.

When Miek was a fair distance away,
Dane put one hand on May’s distracted face and used the other hand to push himself up. Dane kissed her lips once, gently, and again. His gentleness was requited, simply. Their sun-dried lips were coarse, but how sweet a relief it was in this moment of need, when pain could be so persuaded, and exhaustion rendering love so effortlessly.

Cool air whispered against their cheeks, slipping between their lips. Dane slowed the kisses, but kept his face near hers. The way his hand drifted down her cheek to her neck told her how tired he was.. His eyes were poised on hers for a few minutes.

It seemed not even a minute later he was asleep,
laying back down on her lap.

May’s mind went back to the events of the day and she knew she’d be up all night. Reaching for the
fallen book from the dirt, she read again from the little green book.

However, n
ot even the book could command her attention right now. Thoughts encompassed her. Even if they could put this into logical information… what were they going to do with it? What were they thinking would happen? They’d set up their own campaign? Preach from the green book? Write their own dissertations and change the world with theories? No. There was something really wrong with the way Jonathan and Gabe try to go about it. Frustrated with everyone and their choices, it just seems like, if you could start over with proper teachers, the right organization… wouldn’t it work? But what was the right way? Maybe that was the trouble, the two hadn’t figured out the right way.

Only one book existed in their world right now about people’s right to choose. Most everything else was explaining what specific rights they wanted to choose, and how
to get there. But, that concept was one that May found fascinating, and now that she met Gabe and Jonathan – men who had the choice to start the world over; choice seemed vital. How could you have a choice if nothing was good or bad?

She
found herself wondering when she could sit down with Jonathan and get those definitions. Interpreting on their own through inferences or root words was proving to make sense in most cases, they just wanted validation and more history behind it… what was the application and could they use it now?

These thoughts would almost kill May by the end of the next few weeks. Tir
edness became so painful. For the next two weeks there wasn’t a moment May dared ask Jonathan for help. A few days passed of him asking for more pills than May thought was healthy. She tried to be patient and if he’d had a particularly good day the previous day, she showed a little mercy. Mid-week the third week he sat down next to May at dinner and attempted to participate in regular conversation. This wasn’t his first attempt, but it was his most successful. They suspected at times that he was not as much accepting this way of life as he was anticipating the moment he could steal back his syringes and start the world over. At other times it was almost offensive to consider that. The awkward thing about it was that his views weren’t changing, just his ability to express it.

Sleeping pills were his biggest vice. Somehow he could even manage now with only one anxiety
, one claustrophobia pill and one bipolar pill a day if he had could sleep. In this way, May felt like she could empathize. Exhaustion made coping with everything harder.

Dane had
been reading the book now in between harvest shifts. After a week he handed it back to May who pulled it out for study one time at the table, forgetting entirely that they were hiding it from Jonathan. This sent him into a fit. May rolled her eyes at his first protest, being disappointed in herself, but was also just frustrated that this was still an issue; still had the wrath of Jonathan to cope with; still were walking on broken glass.

With the sight of the book, his eyes widened. He’d been waiting for this.
He lunged across the table to grab it from May. She tumbled to the floor and quickly scuffled up, while Jonathan was still fidgeting with his rough landing on the table.

“That book will do you no good!” He yelled, and started after her again. Samson came up and blocked him. He heaved breaths through gritted teeth.
“I knew it.” He said then, resentfully, backing up from Samson’s large figure, “We have to start over. You won’t understand. Put the book in the fire, we’ll do it all together, so you all can live… as long as you get rid of that book.”

Ultimatums now meant that he was
(1) certain about what he wanted, and (2) desperate to get it. Of course, they denied his request. That was why his attempt to have normal conversation a little over a week later was surprising. After that he plateaued. Two pills a day and a sleeping pill at night.

One thing they learned about him that they particularly enjoyed was that he was a bad pick pocket. How many times he tried to get that book was unsure. Threats to start the world over again were frequent. But
, the words were not all that threatening when he didn’t have what he needed to accomplish it.

Honestly, t
hey didn’t know what he was really capable of; maybe he had resources that they couldn’t see. Regardless, the intimidation factor which he used for so long was waning in effectiveness. Not until a month had passed did May feel like he had good enough control to be interested in helping them.

“Jonathan.” She said casually one day, feeling like their relationship was doing pr
etty well. “Will you come help me understand this book?”

He glared at her in response.

She nodded, “Okay, maybe another day.”

They had this same conversation
at least twice a day for the next three days. May never had any intention of destroying this book. That was the worst of sins in her mind; to destroy a book. Perhaps she was addicted to learning. That wasn’t so bad of an addiction though, she decided.

Over the last week
May specifically went through her list of definitions and chose only ten words she thought would be valuable to discuss on a deeper level. Overwhelming him by asking for too much information would be a big mistake. Then again, this caution was not just for Jonathan’s sake, but for hers. Eighteen hours of sleep for one week was not enough. She was testy. Some of those nights were spent watching over the house from the roof, never assuming the opposition was finished.

Dane took his turns on watch as well, which is why he was crashed on the couch at the moment.
Since their little council/run-in with Darian, various people were coming around, poking around, peeping in windows where they could, creeping in the jungle if someone was out on watch. Sometimes people who never came over, started coming over with food, or strange reasons to visit.

Again, this day, Jonathan didn’t respond to her plea
to help. So May just kept talking, hoping that his compulsion and his desire to be cynical about everything they asked would encourage him.

“I have ten words which I would like you to help me understand, then a few concerns about the book in general. Would you prefer I show you the whole list, or that we go one at a time?”

“Show me the whole list.” He said briefly, sounding irritated.

May hesitated.

“Will you promise me an answer about each of them? I already went through a list of about one hundred to get it down to these few. I would really, truly be appreciative if you would promise to explain before I go crazy.”

With a grumpy face he considered for a few moments.

“… Why the hell not, I guess.” He replied drearily, then with a lazy but anxious wave of his hand, conducted her to turn over the paper.

On the paper were these:

Sinner/Sins
Marriage
God
Obey
Righteousness
Commandment
Repent
Devil
Christ
Faith

What did people in Jonathan’s and Gabe’s time think of this man Jesus?
Was he someone worthy of emulating?

Is this history?

Scanning the list meticulously, Jonathan swore when he reached the bottom, put his fingers to his forehead and closed his eyes – a method to calm himself. Whispering softly he transformed from tension and haste to… well… somewhat less tension.

“Do you have any idea what you’re asking?” he looked at her, then looked back down, shaking his head. Clearly she didn’t. Then something new happened: he started muttering angrily to himself
as if he were having a conversation. All she could catch was “Why did Gabe… what the hell… purpose?”

“Is this important?” May asked. “Controversial?”

Jonathan nodded dramatically for the last word… then he sighed, grabbed his hair and said… “I don’t know… I don’t know.”

“
Don’t know if it’s important?”

“No. I don’t
. It’s not! He snapped. “I can’t even explain... agh! Influential would be a better word.” He stood and started pacing.

May thought, but stayed silent
. She continued to watch his reaction, but was losing patience. Suspicions rose up more firmly in May’s mind now than ever. It was complicated; it was controversial; and it may or may not be important to and old, psychotic, drug addicted scientist. Too bad… he was already giving it away…

With a d
eep breath in and an attempt to speak calmly, May said, “Let’s start with something simple. Choose the easiest word; the one that’s least related to the problem.”

“No. I told you no.”

“So righteousness is like people choosing good? But what is good?”

Jonathan
growled, then fumed silently. He obviously didn’t want to answer, but was seeing there wasn’t really away out of it. He didn’t come back to the table, but stood in resistance, folding his arms and closing his eyes. He couldn’t believe he was giving in. Instead of answering the latter question, he droned regretfully, “Marriage.”

Perhaps it was the first one he could manage, but May was grateful…
and considering she didn’t know what she was learning, she was mostly unbiased. After waiting in his silence, wondering if he would speak, May finally prodded, “What is it?”

Like a machine he recited, “When two people express their love in a
‘ceremony’ by making ‘lifelong’ commitment to each other.” The quick air quotations around lifelong were frustratingly informative.

From the couch came a tired grumble, “Kinda sounds like you’
re thesis.” Dane shifted so that he was lying lopsided on the couch with one leg over the back of the couch and one leg over the arm of the couch.

“Picked all that up while you were sleeping, eh?” Jonathan rattled.

“I hardly sleep. Most of the time I’m just closing my eyes.” The sleepy voice instructed.

It
was
like May’s thesis. That’s why she was so interested for more information on this subject than just her inferences. “Would people really make that much of a lifelong commitment?” May asked.

“At one point in time they did…
sort of… but eventually it became old fashioned. It was practically non-existent in my lifetime. You don’t know the word, because we hardly did.”

“Why was that?”

Jonathan shrugged. “The whole institution was redefined at one point, and then just became inessential. It’s my personal belief that we are supposed to be self-sufficient, and we were headed that way.”

“That seems like the strangest thing to me.” Dane said from the couch.
May wasn’t sure if he meant that being self-sufficient was weird, or lifelong commitment.

“Wait…”Jonathan said slyly, like he had some secret plan, when
, in reality, he just understood the problem. As untactful as always, he blurted out, “Wait, you’ve never even heard of the concept at all?”

May shook her head slowly with a look of ‘
no… duh’ in her eyes. Complete loyalty? That’d drive the public crazy. But for May to realize that it did once exist validated some deep belief she had. She found herself craving to know what had changed. She didn’t have time for that though, because Jonathan decided to open up. No patience for question and answer, he just went off.

It amazed May how he could yet put up every figurative emotional wall with his arms crossed and the look that something stunk on his face.

He sighed, “God is like a ‘man’ who built a box and put a man in the box and told the man that he could only come out of the box and be free if he followed certain rules. Reality is that man is already outside of the box, that there is no box unless man builds it. Man can put himself in a box, but God doesn’t exist so there’s no God box.”

“Um…” May made a pinched expression and left her mouth hanging open in something of a wince… “huh?” her intellect was slightly offended. Dane was quiet for the moment, but May could imagine the same dumbfounded look on his face, still hanging off the couch.
What did that have to do with marriage?

“So…
God is like the government?” Dane was speaking slowly because he was distracted by trying to answer his own question, trusting it would eventually make sense. Jonathan was frustrated that they didn’t understand.

“Can you say that again?” Dane asked
, but was so distracted that even if Jonathan had repeated himself, Dane probably wouldn’t have heard.

Jonathan didn’t say anything.

May was stuck in her own thoughts, trying to make sense of what Dane was guessing about it. But then… the government doesn’t exist?