The Golden Desires (25 page)
Read The Golden Desires Online
Authors: Ann M Pratley
BONUS EXTRACT
:
DRAB TO
SEX GODDESS IN 365 DAYS
By Ann M Pratley
May
1st
My
name is Sarah. I am a wife and I am a mother, and I live in a small city on the
eastern coast of the
US
. I am 42 years old, and will turn 43 in a couple
of weeks. I find myself wondering more and more if I am happy in my life, or if
I am letting the days churn by, making sure everyone else is happy, while I
myself sit on the sidelines. I am not unhappy and yet I find myself trying to
analyse and work out if I am in any way content, or if there is a big hole
somewhere.
I
am well aware of the 'grass is greener' concept - where we sometimes look at
other people and we wish we could have aspects of their lives that we don't
have ourselves. I understand how easy it is to fall victim to this thinking, so
I don't want to do anything rash that might end up not being real and honest,
but rather a green-grass move.
As
a mother to offspring who have finished high school and are beginning their own
journey, I have to allow for the possibility that I am starting to approach the
'empty nest' part of life, and it is this that is bringing forward my
questioning about how my life passes each day. As a mother I am proud and often
I have internal stress, worrying about my offspring, but must concede that
watching them now start to make their own decisions and change tracks on this
road of life, has lessened my stress considerably.
Now
I turn my attention back to me. I find more and more that I am ready to start
being out of the house more and away from my husband more. He is a good man and
he has never done anything to hurt me or given me reason to end our
relationship. We have been together for 18 years, married for ten, and he is
one of those men who happily steps up to do things around the house. He does
not complain about doing dishes or cooking a proper meal; he will change the
sheets and take pride in making the bed every day; and since the one time he
came home after drinking, and I told him I didn't want alcohol or anyone using
alcohol in our family home, he hasn't come home again in that state. Even I
cannot fault him in anything, as far as being a husband goes.
And
yet, day to day I look at him and I no longer feel content there. It feels like
something is missing, and I must be honest with myself and admit that I find
myself thinking about being with someone new. Not someone I already know - my
thoughts have ventured to somewhere that we are all victim to now, with
technology so available and easy to use. I have been thinking about the
possibility of using the Internet to go online and find myself a lover.
This
isn't something that I could take lightly, or something that I would rush into.
But the thought is there. I see myself having three options. I can stay exactly
where I am and continue to feel as I feel. I can end my marriage to my husband
and leave, to become a single woman again. Or I can find a person who I can
spend time with only now and then, who would be my ongoing lover over an
extended period of time. Sounds harsh and cold hearted, doesn't it. I know it
does - and I know it is. And is it a grass is greener idea? Of course I have to
allow for the strong possibility that it is.
Inside
my body has been growing something different in my hormones. I have not seen a
doctor about it because the feelings I have - an awakening in me - I don't really
know that I want to go away. In some ways, yes - my days seem to be spent
daydreaming of long, sensual afternoons with a skilled lover, pushing me over
the edge in my sexuality - but in some ways no - I actually enjoy the physical
feeling of being turned on. I have to be open and admit that - my body feels
like I am on heat all the time, and I enjoy that feeling very much.
But
what do I do about it? My husband is here, and I know that if I initiate sex he
will light up like the lights on a Christmas tree - even in this he is always
eager to please and will drop what he is doing for an opportunity to get naked
with me. I am not a neglected woman. And yet, somehow knowing that to him I am
desirable and sexy, does not fulfil me. It isn't his sexual manoeuvres that are
lacking - but what I find myself thinking about is that I know his lips, his
hands and every other part of his body too well. There is no longer any
anticipation or surprise. And that is what I find myself daydreaming about -
getting to know a new body, new lips, new hands … going back to that
anticipation of wondering how someone will kiss me and touch me.
It
is such a selfish thought, the idea of taking a lover, but it plays on my mind
as a distinct possibility. Then I look in the mirror and I see how overweight I
have let myself become and I start to feel ugly and fat, and wonder what I am
thinking because it cannot be that any man other than my husband could look at
this vessel I have become, and find it in any way attractive. I am 5ft 3in
short and I am now past the 200lb mark on the scales. This is the heaviest I
have ever been in my life - since sitting down when I first became pregnant,
somewhere along the way I forgot to stand up again and keep focusing on my
health, and I feel like I am now a blob. I see no good in the mirror - a double
chin, 'back fat' and 'spare tyre'. I am ashamed to have let myself get here,
not even just because of how I look, so much as how I've played roulette with
my health.
So
far my health has not suffered too much - regular medical checkups have kept
reporting to me that I am okay. But I am not - I cannot be - and this makes me
saddest of all. I was 15 years old when my own mother died and I have been
telling myself I am determined to not leave my own offspring so soon. Just
words, they are - I have not lived up to them.
So
here I am, assessing my life, and wondering what to do to turn a few things
around - in particular my thinking and view on things. And from this assessment
I have made the decision that I am going to use one year of my life to put in
the hard yards. Over the next 365 days I am going to do what it takes to go
through a transformation - to become a sex goddess. Yes, you heard correctly.
One year to change my body, change my thinking, and if need be, change my
situation. My first commitment to be tested will be me getting up earlier every
morning, before everyone else gets up, to simply take time to consider my
experiences, my successes and my failures. Come with me on my journey.
ABOUT THE
AUTH
OR
Ann M Pratley was born and bred in Dunedin, New
Zealand, and enjoys writing fiction where the characters take on a life of
their own through the writing process.
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