The Golden Land (22 page)

‘He freaked out a bit. We'll know more about the baby when I see the specialist. I'm supposed to sleep. You sure the kids are all right? I can't thank you enough. What about your kids? And what about the preschool?'

‘All under control. Mum's over at my place. She'll get them organised, and I'll take your two to preschool with me. Don't worry about us, we'll be fine.'

‘My mother's closing the shop as soon as she can and coming up. She's so upset of course. I didn't want to worry her but I had to tell her what was happening. She says that's what mothers are put on the planet for – to worry,' said Natalie, choking up.

‘Nat, little Andrew is going to be all right. Get some rest. Let us know when you want me to bring the kids in to see you. Charlotte's fine, very calm, very grownup. Adam is a bit confused, but once he gets to preschool and sees his friends, he'll be okay.'

‘Thanks, Jodie. You're such a good friend. I don't know what to do. I'm so worried,' said Natalie tearfully.

‘Sleep,' said Jodie firmly. ‘Get it while you can.'

When Natalie opened her eyes, she saw her mother and Steve sitting by her bed, their faces concerned.

‘Hello, darling, how're you feeling?' Sarah leaned close and gave her daughter a kiss.

‘I'm okay. Did you see him?'

‘They let us have a peek. He's tiny but perfect. It will be all right, darling girl.'

‘I'm pretty confident about him,' added Steve, trying to smile.

‘Hi, Steve. Thank you for the flowers,' said Natalie, seeing the vase on the table at the foot of her bed.

‘We spoke to the nurse in charge of the neonatal intensive care unit, and she told us that they're taking the best care of him, sweetie. The main thing is for you to get some rest,' said Sarah.

‘I know, Mum, but I'm so worried about him. It just came out of the blue.'

‘You're doing too much with Mark away all the time,' said her mother but Steve gave her a swift nudge.

‘No, Mum, it's not that. It has nothing to do with Mark being away. The doctor isn't really sure why it happened. I had a fall yesterday, but it wasn't much of one.'

Sarah didn't look convinced. ‘Thank goodness Jodie was able to drop everything and get over to your place to look after Charlotte and Adam,' she said.

‘Yes. She's such a great friend. Mark will be able to take over when he gets home.'

‘Do you know how long you'll be here?' said Steve.

‘I'm not sure. Not very long, I suppose. It's Andrew who will be kept in. I just hope that Mark gets here soon. I really need him.'

Sarah hugged her daughter. ‘Love you, darling girl. It's going to be okay.'

‘Let us know if there's anything we can do. I'm happy to pop up any time,' offered Steve.

‘Thanks so much for coming. I know it's not easy. It was good to see you both,' said Natalie, as she started to cry again.

An hour later, Mark finally arrived and rushed into her room, unshaven, pale faced and red eyed. She reached out to him and he sat on the bed beside her, wrapping her in his arms, and they wept together.

‘I'm so, so sorry you had to go through this without me,' he kept repeating. ‘How is our little guy?' Mark was trying to look brave and cheerful, but Natalie saw the fear in his eyes.

‘They say he'll be okay, Mark. But he's not out of the woods yet. He has problems with his breathing. It's so hard to see him like that in the humidicrib. I just want to hold him.' Natalie began to dissolve into tears again.

‘I know, I know. Let's just take it day by day, sweetheart. Minute by minute. How are Charlotte and Adam? God, Jodie's amazing.'

Natalie nodded. ‘Yes, she said she'll have them at her place tonight and you can pick them up in the morning. She's organised to keep them busy, doing their usual thing at the preschool.'

‘I can pick them up and bring them in here, introduce them to Andrew.'

‘I don't think they allow children down where Andrew is, but they might be able to see him through the window. I want to see them. But maybe they shouldn't see Andrew. I mean, what if he —' She buried her face in his chest. ‘I couldn't bear it … Explaining it to them . . .'

Mark held her close, making soothing sounds as though unable to frame words or articulate how his heart was breaking for her, for them both. Finally he managed to say, ‘He's going to be fine, darling. Our little boy will pull through. I know he will.'

Natalie blew her nose and asked in a quiet voice, ‘Should we name him? Have a little naming ceremony for Andrew? Just in case? If something happens I don't want him to just . . . disappear. Like he wasn't here.'

‘Oh, Nat.' Mark looked at her brave, tear-stained face. ‘Don't think that. Just think about the lovely naming party we're going to have in a few months. What's his middle name? Have you thought about that? Did Uncle Andrew have a middle name?' asked Mark, trying to distract her.

‘I can't remember. I really love calling him Andrew and keeping Uncle Andrew's spirit alive. I dream that he'll grow up to be talented and decent like great-great-uncle Andrew was. Do you think that's corny?'

‘No, Nat, it's not corny. Uncle Andrew means a lot to you,' said Mark gently.

Natalie nodded. ‘I was thinking maybe Steven for a middle name. Adam's named for your father and Steve doesn't have any kids. Mum would like that.'

‘That's a nice idea, he'll be chuffed.'

‘How long have you got off?' asked Natalie hesitantly.

‘As long as we need. I'll take all the holiday time I'm owed and then I'll ask for leave without pay if I have to. It'll be fine. When will you come home?'

‘They don't keep mothers in hospital very long these days, so I'll probably come home and then come back to the hospital every day to express my milk and be with Andrew. I so want to hold him and feed him myself. What if we don't bond? And what about Charlotte and Adam?'

‘Nat, you and this baby will be especially close after all this. Don't worry. We just have to think about the day he comes home.' He thought for a moment before he added, ‘He's going to need a lot of care. I wonder how we're going to manage.' Then, more definitely, ‘But I'll be able to take care of Charlotte and Adam. You'll be home a lot of the time, too.'

‘I just want him home. It's scary. He looks so fragile, so breakable,' whispered Natalie. A baby down the hall let out a lusty cry. ‘I hate hearing those healthy babies. I know it sounds mean, but it's so unfair,' she said bitterly. ‘I hope those mothers realise how lucky they are.' Mark reached for her again and held her close.

Natalie lost track of time in the next twenty-four hours. Minutes and hours were dictated by the bright lights of the intensive care nursery, the hospital routine, and the time she sat by the humidicrib that held her tiny son.

She was able to put her hand through a small opening and stroke him with her finger. She hated seeing the tubes surrounding him and the drip inserted into his translucent skin. She prayed that he knew she was there, loving him as much as if he were in her arms.

Nurses bustled, charts were flicked through, notes made, cheerful banter exchanged in the hall, but Natalie remained hunched, her eyes glued to her baby, willing him to grow stronger. She drank an occasional milky tea with a soggy biscuit in the saucer and avoided the maternity ward as much as possible. Thankfully, her room was at the far end of the hallway, but to get to it she couldn't avoid passing those other happy rooms where mothers were bonding, feeding, bathing and showing off their healthy new babies.

As she walked down the corridor Natalie kept her eyes lowered and in the solitude of her room she pushed her door shut and banged her fist against the wall.

‘It's not fair, not fair,' she sobbed.

She could tell that the doctors were still concerned for Andrew. Although he wasn't worsening, he wasn't improving either. She watched his pale little body struggling for every breath and, leaning close, she whispered encouragement to him. She couldn't bear to be far from him.

Charlotte and Adam's visit didn't turn out as Natalie had hoped. Neither of them understood why their mother was in the hospital, or where the baby was? The hour they spent there was hectic and tiring, and turned tearful when Mark announced that they had to go back home without their mother.

The next day Andrew's condition grew far worse. Natalie was gently told that Andrew was being taken for an X-ray, and she panicked.

‘Can't I go too, please? I want to stay with my baby!' The nurses tried to calm her down and she was taken back to her room. She rang Mark and sobbed that Andrew was getting worse.

‘I'll be there as soon as I can. I'll call Jodie and see if she can have the children,' he said.

Mark sat by Natalie's bed, holding her hand, waiting to hear the results of the X-ray, or any news at all.

‘The waiting is the worst,' she whispered. ‘Please thank Jodie for me. How are you managing?'

Mark gave a small smile. ‘They're getting a bit tired of eggs so tonight I was going to throw a pizza on. With vegetables,' he added, knowing Natalie tried to give the children fruit and vegetables every day.

‘There's a lasagne in the freezer. I think you should go home now and pick the kids up. I want them to stick to their routine,' said Natalie. ‘I'll be okay.'

‘Are you sure?' Mark glanced at his watch. ‘Call me if there's any news. Try not to worry. I know this is hard.' He kissed her and as he opened the door Dr Rasheed, Andrew's paediatrician, entered.

‘How is he?' Natalie asked before they had even greeted each other.

‘He's back in the nursery,' said Dr Rasheed.

Before Dr Rasheed could go on, Mark asked, ‘What did the X-ray show?'

‘Is he going to be all right?' added Natalie.

The doctor held up his hand. ‘Please, let me explain. As you know, your son has some breathing problems due to his immature lungs, but now there is an added complication . . .'

There was an intake of breath from Mark and Natalie.

‘The lobe of his left lung has collapsed. This will mean he'll have to have assisted ventilation, which will have to be initiated by the neonatologist.'

‘Oh, no!' said Natalie.

‘He'll require specialised treatment, so we're moving him to the Mater Children's Hospital in Brisbane,' said Dr Rasheed.

‘Oh, god,' said Mark.

‘Can I go with him?' asked Natalie urgently.

‘The retrieval van is ready to leave for the Mater hospital. You need to sign this permission slip. Mrs Cutler, you are still post partum and we're a little concerned about your blood pressure so you need at least another night here for observation. As soon as your milk comes in you will be able to express and feed him.'

‘I suppose that I'll have to travel up to the hospital each day.'

‘Natalie! How's that going to work?' said Mark.

‘I can drive,' said Natalie. ‘That way I can see the children morning and night. You'll manage through the day.' She turned to the doctor. ‘What are they going to do up there that they can't do here? It's a good sign, isn't it? That he's going there? To be fixed?' she said.

The doctor looked serious as he said, ‘Your baby will be in the best possible hands at the Mater. It's a long, slow process to get his lung inflated and working properly.'

‘All that matters is that he pulls through this okay,' said Mark. ‘How long will it take?'

‘Quite a few weeks, a couple of months, perhaps. I can't make any promises and we have to assume that all will go well and there won't be any further complications.'

‘I see,' said Mark. He turned away frowning.

‘But Andrew will be okay?' asked Natalie, searching the doctor's calm face for any clues, anything he might be hiding from them.

‘There are always risks with premature babies, Mrs Cutler. Continue to think positively. This procedure has been done successfully many times before. Andrew will be in very experienced hands. I have to go, if you'll excuse me, but be assured, everything possible is being done for your son.'

The door closed and Natalie and Mark turned to one another.

‘My poor little boy,' said Natalie, tears filling her eyes.

‘Natalie, how are we going to manage this? You're not serious about driving up and back morning and night every day? It's over an hour each way, and you've just given birth. I should drive you, and I want to see him too, but Adam and Charlotte . . . what will we do with them?'

‘Mark I have to go. I have to feed him. You'll have to stay with Adam and Charlotte,' said Natalie shortly and firmly. ‘There's no other way. Mum is in no position to help fulltime, she has to keep the shop going. Andrew will be a seven-days-a-week job, and where do we get that sort of longtime childcare for Charlotte and Adam?'

‘Nat, there's also my work. I can take leave, but I can't stay away indefinitely. I know,' he held up his hand quickly, ‘our family comes first, of course it does.'

‘It mightn't be long, Mark. I just pray for the day we can bring Andrew home.'

‘This is going to be difficult for us.'

‘Yes, but nothing is as important as this baby,' declared Natalie.

‘Of course,' said Mark, attempting to look optimistic. But Natalie knew that he was really concerned about how they would juggle their lives with Andrew in hospital in Brisbane for weeks.

When Natalie spoke to Jodie she hoped that sharing her concerns might make them seem less difficult. ‘I just want to focus on the baby right now. Sometimes I have these dreams he's never coming home, that we're going to lose him.' Natalie struggled to control her tears.

‘Oh Nat, that's so stressful for you,' said Jodie. ‘How is Mark coping? If he is like my husband, doing the domestics, getting meals and caring for two kids won't be easy. What if you traded and he went up a day or so a week and took your milk so you could stay home? Not that it's restful! Maybe I could talk to some of the mothers here and see if someone could drive you up, even one day a week. Give you a break from the driving. Maybe someone could take your milk up so that you could spend the day with your kids and Mark, but I suppose you would want to see Andrew every day.'