Read The Gooseberry Fool Online
Authors: James Mcclure
The Gooseberry Fool
ALSO BY JAMES McCLURE
The Steam Pig
The Caterpillar Cop
Snake
Copyright © 1974 by James McClure.
All rights reserved
First published in the United States in 1976 by Harper & Row, Publishers, Inc.
This edition published in 2010 by
Soho Press, Inc.
853 Broadway
New York, NY 10003
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data
McClure, James, 1939-2006.
The gooseberry fool / James McClure.
p. cm.
ISBN 978-1-56947-943-8
eISBN 978-1-56947-944-7
I.Title.
PZ4.M12647Go [PR9369.3.M3]
813’.5’4 73-14317
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
To Frances
To play old gooseberry, to act as chaperon, play propriety, for a pair of lovers; to make havoc.
The Oxford English Dictionary
Contents
H
UGO
S
WART ENTERED
purgatory just after nine o’clock on the hottest night of the year. It came as a complete surprise to him, as it did to his several acquaintances, who, knowing him for a pious young bachelor, were unable to reconcile this with the thought of his brutal murder.
His surprise, however, was of a different order—owing nothing to assumption and everything to sudden agony as real as the improvised weapon with which it was inflicted. And in his final flare of consciousness, he acknowledged an inexplicable oversight.
This had been to presume that once inside his house, with the front door bolted and the back door locked, he was alone. He really should have considered the possibility of an intruder stealing in while he was away at Mass. Even just made the routine check carried out by any householder upon arrival home, let alone a man in his circumstances. Then he might have noticed a shadow flinch as he tossed his Missal across the darkened study onto his desk. But he did not. Nor did he actually go into the study, pausing only at the door.
Instead, with much that was pleasing on his mind, he went straight on through to the kitchen, humming to himself. His African servant had left the light burning in the ceiling and his dinner burning in the oven. The sharp smell of the ruined steak registered immediately, yet the only thought he gave to it was to switch off the stove. Thirst, rather than hunger, was his dominant drive.
He opened the refrigerator door and found everything he needed for a long, very cold drink. Vodka was his choice, for he believed it left the breath untainted—vodka and orange and plenty of ice. The simple procedure totally absorbed him.
He measured out the spirit first, returning the bottle to its hiding place in the vegetable tray. Next came two fingers of fruit juice from a can, then three ice cubes, and finally a topping of chilled water. Instantly the tall glass frosted over and droplets began to wriggle down its thin sides. For it to be really cold, however, he had to wait until the ice did a little of its work.
So he turned on the radio over by the kettle and caught the news bulletin. December 23 had been the hottest day of the year, according to the South African Weather Bureau, which was not news to anyone. But they were right in making the heat wave the first item; there was an undeniable satisfaction in being part of the news oneself for a change, to know precisely how severe an ordeal it had been, to feel—however modestly—a survivor.
On every level, survival was dear to Hugo Swart, as it is to any man who anticipates a bright new future.
The idiot kettle began to boil. He thought at first that the sound, an odd wheeze, came from behind him, then noticed the air shimmering above the spout—it was altogether too hot and humid for steam to show. Of course. The kettle and the radio shared the same wall socket; switching them both on at once was a mistake he had made many times. And sure enough, after a moment’s silence, the kettle gurgled and threatened to melt its element if more water was not swiftly added. That damn black baboon never left the thing properly filled. All it needed, though, was a sharp tug on the cord.
He gave it one and then took off his lightweight jacket, wishing he had done so ten minutes earlier, and dumped it on the drain-board.
By now the main news was over and the regional summary under way. It disclosed that the maximum temperature in Trekkersburg itself had soared to a record 112 degrees Fahrenheit.
“In the shade,” the announcer added.
To which Hugo Swart, impatient with such pedantry, retorted aloud, “Jesus wept!”
His last words.
He dithered for a moment over his drink, then decided to increase the pleasure by prolonging the wait.
So he refilled the ice tray at the tap and put it back in the refrigerator. He closed the refrigerator door. He opened it and closed it again, musing. As children, he and his sister had once argued bitterly over whether the light in their stepmother’s General Electric went out when the door was shut. The inspiration for this had been the claim of a fanciful friend who swore that a fairy, a sort of enslaved Jack Frost, lived on the inside, ready to douse the light the instant it was no longer needed. This was plainly a lot of rubbish, but posed a question nonetheless. He had held it was only logical that the light should go out, while his sister—who had sweets he wanted to share—perversely challenged him to prove it did not, in fact, stay on. Naturally, he was unable to do this, and ended up paying lip service to her irrational viewpoint. He knew that the light must go out, but it was as pointless an argument as that between an atheist and a priest debating the immortality of the soul: in both cases, nothing could be satisfactorily settled this side of the door.
Hugo Swart laughed softly. There was some truth in this talk of formative years. What he himself had learned was the practice of adopting whatever belief best served his own ends at any particular time. And it seemed to be working out very satisfactorily in this particular instance. Yes, sir.
His drink was ready. The ice cubes were half their size, and a wet ring was forming on the breakfast table. This had certainly been a moment worth waiting for, yet he decided on one further delay: a toast to his benefactors.
With the glass raised high, he turned to the window in the hope of seeing himself there in a comically cynical pose against the night. Unfortunately, the Venetian blinds were down and he could see nothing.
Even less than he supposed.
For, as he brought the lip of the glass to meet his own, somebody struck him from behind with a steak knife. This first blow caught him on the left shoulder blade, skittered across the flat bone, and snagged between two vertebrae. Such was the violence of the blow, its force was transmitted to the extremities and the glass flew, untouched, from his hand. He saw it shatter and felt the terrible pain.
Strangely, he just stood there—hating the thought of waste, wondering what could conceivably be happening to him, noting that the next program would be a short interlude of chamber music. It startled him to finally realize there was someone else in the room, someone who wheezed when he breathed and must hate him very much.
That was his first surprise. There were others.
He staggered into a turn, grabbing at a fork that lay at the place set for his late supper. But he missed and never got to identify his assailant either. Before he could raise his reeling head, he was blind with his own blood—a wild slash with the knife having opened up the puffiness beneath his eyebrows.
On the cello’s introductory note came the punched stab to the chest that knocked him back against the table. It was no good; all he could do was allow himself to sprawl onto the broken glass and try to think of something to say. Like Hail Mary.
Then, in the two beats of silence that followed, artfully contrived by the composer to key listeners for a bright gush of vital sound, Hugo Swart had his Adam’s apple cored, and bled swiftly to death.
Lasting just long enough to hear his hearing aid being crushed underfoot—and then to reflect on what a fool he had been.
L
IEUTENANT
T
ROMP
K
RAMER
of the Trekkersburg Murder Squad sat alone in the third-floor lavatory and wondered if anyone would be giving him a birthday present. He was stark naked and held in his right hand a crumple of paper.
Man, it was hot. So hot it did things to the mind. His own had spent the day preoccupied with thoughts chill and sparkling and as far removed from homicide as a swimming pool from an acid bath. It had also evolved some extraordinary theories that had nothing to do with work either; such as a notion that the sun, having drawn up close, was watching, like a boy with a magnifying glass, its brightness burn holes in the map. If this was not the way it was, it was the way it felt—particularly in a hole like Trekkersburg. Right then he hated the skew hook behind the door and hated the backs of his knees, which he found impossible to press against the cool porcelain pedestal.
The outer door squeaked open on its spring and slammed back. The tap at the basin was turned on and left to run in the vain hope its tepid flow would give way to cold water. Meanwhile, he of the sanguinary disposition performed an ashes-to-ashes routine with what sounded like a gallon of bleached Coke aimed at the wall.
Kramer frowned, displeased by this intrusion on his privacy. He determined not to invite any exchange, not as much as a hearty vulgarity by way of greeting, and remained very still. He was also careful to make no sound. Not even when knuckles rapped perfunctorily at about the height his clothes were hanging. Which was really a pity, because after the door had squeaked and slammed a second time, the lights were switched out.
Bugger. Now it was not only bloody hot but pitch bloody dark as well, and that put paid to the reading matter he had brought with him. He drew breath sharply. Another mistake, for it was like inhaling cheroot smoke on a dark night: dry, stifling, and nasty. Ah, well, this was where his self-indulgent little schemes usually landed him—right where he was perched. Back in his stuffy cupboard of an office, with its tease of a telephone and a queue of half-wits wanting their noses wiped, the idea of a trip down the passage had seemed a master stroke of contingency planning. For a full ten minutes before leaving his chair, he had savored the thought of stripping off and sitting undisturbed, emptying an occasional mugful from the cistern down his front when the mood took him. Yet another ten minutes later, it was plain this was not to be.