The Grown Ups (32 page)

“I do?”

Her father laughed. “Yes, you do.” He paused. “Was that a serious question?”

Suzie shrugged. Her entire life he had always been
at work,
but she had never actually imagined him working, given everything else he was doing.

“I appreciate you seeing me, Suzie. I know you could have chosen not to.”

“Well, with Leo,” Suzie started. “I never wanted him to think I kept him from his grandfather.”

“That sounds like you might be willing to try this again? Another meeting?”

Suzie stopped pushing the carriage and looked at her father. “I don't trust you. We don't have a relationship. But I don't want my child to grow up without a grandfather, so I'm here. Can that be enough for today?”

Her father stared at her and she stared back. There was a shadow of salt-and-pepper stubble on his jawline. “Absolutely, that can be enough. I'll do whatever you wish, Suzie.”

Suzie nodded. “Can I tell you something? I hate tennis. I never played tennis. All those times I told you about matches I'd won? All those times I took your money for a new racket?” Suzie swallowed hard. Her ears felt hot. “I never set foot on a court. I wanted to see if you ever showed up at a match. I wanted you to catch me in the lie. I wanted you to care enough. But you never did.”

Her father exhaled. He didn't seem to have anything to say in response. Suzie leaned on the bar and pushed the stroller hard so he had to work hard to catch up to her. By the time he did, she could hear his labored breathing. But he didn't complain and he didn't ask her to slow down. He matched her pace and they continued the loop out of the park in silence.

Bella's bright red
coat was visible as soon as Suzie exited the hospital. She was already in line at the falafel stand across the street, holding a place for their dinner date. Whenever Bella was teaching late they tried to connect at least once a week. When Suzie had been on maternity leave that often meant Bella's keeping her company while she nursed. Slowly they'd progressed to coffee and walks with Leo in the stroller, and now that Suzie was back at work, a quick dinner. Suzie had been back at the hospital for a month now and she missed Leo and Michael even though they were both there at the hospital with her. At least Leo in the hospital day care and Michael on staff made it easier for her to steal moments with each of them during the day, something she wouldn't have if they had left Leo with a sitter at home.

She waved to Bella and crossed the street, breaking away from the chaos of the hospital entrance. Bella gave her an up-and-down appraisal as she handed her a falafel sandwich. “You are going to freeze, Suzie.” Bella's cheeks were as red as her coat
from the cold and most of her pale hair was stuffed under a bulky knitted cap.

Suzie glanced down at her lightweight cotton doctor's coat; underneath she wore black wool pants and a black turtleneck sweater. She had run from the hospital as soon as she could get away for dinner, afraid to go to the break-room for her coat in case anyone else stopped her to consult or chat. Michael and Leo had already left for the day. Suzie was on call that night and anticipated a long, restless night on the break-room couch. “I don't even feel it,” she said, unwrapping the sandwich and taking a big bite. It was true that the stifling air in the hospital was overwhelming. Her sinuses were constantly clogged, her head stuffed with cotton. She worried that she was setting Leo up for a lifetime of colds by sticking him in the day care. She took a deep breath. The cold felt refreshing. She had to stop beating herself up.

Bella shook her head and said jokingly, “Doctors.”

Suzie shrugged. They walked the half block down to a little park and took the only empty bench. To Suzie it looked like an outpost of the hospital: a mix of workers, maybe some families, everyone united in escaping the hospital air for a little while.

“How's my favorite baby?” Bella asked, licking hummus from her fingertips.

“Delicious,” Suzie sighed. “He's the best little man ever. He smiles all the time and talks—well, you know, I think he's talking. We totally understand each other. He rolls over back to front, tries to get up on all fours and move.”

Bella giggled. “How's the other man in your life? And you can leave out all the cute things he does like talking and rolling over.”

Suzie laughed. “He's the best dad. He gets up with Leo if I've been on call, he changes diapers, he gives baths, he feeds him a bottle now that I don't nurse all the time. He does this cute thing
where he gets very serious and has what he calls ‘man talks' with Leo. Last one I overheard was about the importance of saying you're sorry.” She frowned. “Sometimes I feel like I don't do enough for him. I wish I could take away the stress and the pressure of work, Hunt . . .”

Bella chewed and swallowed a bite of pita. “I don't know how much longer Marguerite is going to be able to keep this up. Keeping tabs on him is getting to be difficult. And I know we all try to pitch in, but he really prefers her. But the tricky thing is that Hunt's good days still outnumber the bad, so it's easy to get fooled into thinking everything is okay and then bam, it turns.”

“That's typical,” Suzie said slowly. “While the patient is cognizant he learns to compensate for the times he is less so.” Suzie took the last bite of falafel and reached for the coffee on the bench to wash it down. “There's a drug trial. Michael asked Hunt's doctor and he thinks Hunt is too symptomatic to see any results, but he's willing to give it a shot, probably more for Michael than Hunt.” She paused. “I know this is so irrational but when I think that my own father is perfectly fine when someone like Hunt . . .”

“What's happening there?”

“With my father?” Suzie shook her head hard and felt her ponytail loosen from the elastic. “We've seen each other twice.” She hesitated, reaching up to secure the wad of thick curls at the base of her neck. “I'm trying.” She shrugged and then admitted, “Not as hard as I should.” She held her coffee cup up and allowed the steam to warm her face. “It's the age-old story, right? The doctor can heal everyone but herself. I spend all day talking to people about relationships, unraveling the threads, repairing, making amends. And I can't seem to get there.”

Bella put her arm around Suzie's shoulders and squeezed.
“Life was so much simpler when we had nothing to do but hang out at the pool and check out the cute boys.” She frowned. “You feel too skinny. You need more meat on your bones.”

“You sound like Sam.”

“What can I say? He's rubbing off on me. I'm going to get him to cook for you.”

Suzie laughed. “Aren't we basically still checking out the same boys?” She glanced at her watch. “I've got to get back.” She and Bella stood and gathered their trash. They hugged goodbye and Suzie ran back across the street, dodging a glut of taxis at the curb. At the sliding doors she stopped and looked back. Bella was still standing there watching her. They grinned and waved and then Suzie slipped inside the hospital.

She could hear their voices as soon as she entered the restaurant. Michael had left Suzie and Leo with Marguerite and Hunt at the house and said he was going to see Sam. That was three hours ago and he wasn't answering his cell phone.

Suzie left Leo with Marguerite and decided to find out what was going on. She pretended to Marguerite that Michael had called and asked her to meet him at the restaurant. Suzie didn't know if she was very convincing, but she didn't want Marguerite to worry about anything else.

The brothers were surprised when she walked into the kitchen. Neither pretended to be happy, neither of them smiled. They were on either side of a stainless steel table. Michael was still wearing his coat, despite the kitchen's being overly warm, and his face and neck were flushed a deep red. Sam, in a T-shirt and apron, busied himself with chopping a pile of celery and onions into a
fine dice. Michael looked down at the table and watched the blade of the knife move up and down.

“It's starting to snow,” Suzie said. The heat in the kitchen hit her like a wall of fire. “What's going on?”

“I was telling Sam I supported Marguerite's idea of selling the house.”

Sam's head came up sharply and he gave Michael a look that implied that was the very simple version of whatever had been going on between them. Suzie looked from one to the other of the brothers. “Did you have another idea, Sam?”

“No, no, I obviously will support whatever Marguerite wants to do. I just feel like taking Dad out of the last familiar place he knows, well, it's like we are saying this is the end.”

Michael tapped the table with his index finger. His voice was scratchy and he sounded exhausted. “That's not going to make a difference. His doctor—”

“I'm tired of hearing the bullshit doctor excuse. Be his son, okay? I know what I see. I'm here more than you.” Sam bit his lip. “I'm not willing to say this is it.”

“Michael.” Suzie jumped in, putting a hand on her husband's arm. “I know what Sam is saying and you do too. He sees Hunt's comfort level, and the familiar makes it easier.” She stopped and then said, “But, Sam, you know, we all know, his disease is degenerative. With a schedule of its own unique genetic making. For all that we do know, we really know nothing.”

“He's comfortable now as he goes in and out,” Michael said. “But soon—”

“Comfortable?” Sam shook his head. “Let's wait until we get to ‘soon' and then decide.” Sam pointed his knife at Michael. “You have no idea how long. No one knows.”

Michael hung his head. “You're right. But if we wait too late
to start the process, it's going to be worse.” He looked over at Suzie, then back at Sam. “I'm the last guy who wants to give up, Sammy,” he added softly.

Suzie watched Sam's shoulders sag. She bit her lip. She didn't want to get between the brothers. They both had a point. They both were right. They both were stubborn. “Is Bella back yet?” she asked, hoping to change the subject.

Sam gave her a quick smile. “It's the night before break and she was going out for drinks, so probably not until later.”

Michael turned to her and asked, “Is Leo okay?”

Suzie nodded. “When I left the house Marguerite was down on the floor chasing him and he was giggling.”

Michael and Sam both broke into easy smiles at the mention of Leo.

“I'm starved,” Suzie said. “Are we getting food from you?” she asked Sam.

“It's all ready to go.” Sam pointed to the walk-in coolers.

“Aren't you coming to eat with us?” She looked over at Michael and widened her eyes.

“Dude,” Michael said. “Come on, Sammy.”

“You only love me for my food.” Sam squinted at him; there was a slight smile on his lips. “I need some time to wrap it all up here.”

Suzie turned to Michael. “Why don't you take Marguerite's car and I'll help Sam? Go spend some time with Hunt.”

“Are you sure?”

Suzie nodded. She wanted to give the brothers space so they wouldn't walk into the house with the stale air of their argument. “We'll be there soon, go on.”

Michael came close to give her a hug and Suzie could feel the
heat rising off his body. He put a hand on her hip and she leaned into him as he pressed his lips against her forehead. He looked over at Sam and shrugged. “I don't mean to come off as a dick.”

“You just are,” Sam shot back with a grin. “Tell Marguerite to put the oven on three hundred and fifty degrees.”

“Okay,” Michael said. He headed for the door. When he was halfway out he said, over his shoulder, “Takes one to know one.” As the door swung closed Suzie could hear him laughing.

Suzie smiled at Sam, who shook his head, but he was chuckling too. However differently Michael and Sam saw the world, now they seemed to find a way to come together in the end. Ever since Leo had been born, really ever since that day Sam had rushed her to the hospital, something had changed about the way the three of them saw one another. Suzie wasn't sure if Sam had ever forgiven her for what a brat she had been at fifteen, but at least it didn't feel as if it was always the only thing between them anymore.

“What can I do?” Suzie asked.

Sam scooped the onions and celery into a bowl and was fitting a film of plastic wrap over the top. He directed her to the walk-in, where she removed two pans of lasagna, one vegetable and one traditional. When she came back Sam had loaded bread and salad and squat plastic containers of oil and vinegar into a large basket lined with linen towels. They put it all in the back of Sam's dented Subaru.

It was really snowing now, and Suzie was glad she and Michael had left the city earlier than they originally had intended. Snow would only complicate the night-before-Thanksgiving crunch. Sam drove slowly, crouched over the wheel as if he were too tall for the car. The wipers were going at full speed, but even so the
snow stuck to the windshield, making visibility difficult. It was probably less than four miles to the house, but they were crawling forward so slowly it felt as if they were moving backward. Suzie could hear the rumble of the salt trucks and the plows, but they were nowhere to be seen.