Penny, a 30-year-old receptionist, came to see me six months after the birth of her first child. She was feeling tired and anxious and full of self-doubt about her mothering skills. At times she felt incompetent or inadequate and just wanted to run away from all the responsibility. At other times she felt exhausted and miserable and wondered if having a child had been a huge mistake. On top of that, she felt guilty for even having such thoughts! Although Penny attended regular mothers’ group meetings, she kept her problems a secret. The other mothers all seemed so confident, she feared that if she told them how she was feeling, they would look down on her. When Penny eventually plucked up the courage to share her experiences with the other women, her admission broke a conspiracy of silence. The other mothers had all been feeling the same way to one degree or another, but they’d all been putting on the same act of bravado, hiding their true feelings for fear of disapproval or rejection. There was a huge sense of relief and bonding as these women opened up and got honest with one another.
To make a gross generalisation, men are much worse than women at admitting their deepest concerns because men are taught to be stoic: to bottle up their feelings and hide them. After all, big boys don’t cry. In contrast, women learn to share and discuss their feelings from a young age. Nonetheless, many women are reluctant to tell even their closest friends that they are feeling depressed or anxious or not coping in some way, for fear of being judged weak or silly. Our silence about what we are really feeling and the false front we put on for the people around us simply add to the powerful illusion of control.
So the question is: How much have you been influenced by all these control myths? The questionnaire on the following pages will help you find out.
This questionnaire has been adapted from similar ones developed by Steven Hayes, Frank Bond and others. When the term ‘negative thoughts and feelings’
is used, it refers to a whole range of painful feelings (such as anger, depression and anxiety), and painful thoughts (such as bad memories, disturbing images, and harsh self-judgments). For each pair of statements, please select the one that most accurately fits how you feel. The answer you choose doesn’t have to be absolutely 100 per cent true for you all the time; just pick the answer which seems to be more representative of your general attitude.
1a.
I must have good control of my feelings in order to be successful in life.
1b.
It is unnecessary for me to control my feelings in order to be successful in life.
2a.
Anxiety is bad.
2b.
Anxiety is neither good nor bad. It is merely an uncomfortable feeling.
3a.
Negative thoughts and feelings will harm you if you don’t control or get rid of them.
3b.
Negative thoughts and feelings won’t harm you, even if they feel unpleasant.
4a.
I’m afraid of some of my strong feelings.
4b.
I’m not afraid of any feelings, no matter how strong.
5a.
In order for me to do something important, I have to get rid of all my doubts.
5b.
I can do something important, even when doubts are present.
6a.
When negative thoughts and feelings arise, it’s important to reduce or get rid of them as fast as possible.
6b.
Trying to reduce or get rid of negative thoughts and feelings frequently causes problems. If I simply allow them to be, then they will change as a natural part of living.
7a.
The best method of managing negative thoughts and feelings is to analyse them; then utilise that knowledge to get rid of them.
7b.
The best method of managing negative thoughts and feelings is to acknowledge their presence and let them be, without having to analyse or judge them.
8a.
I will become ‘happy’ and ‘healthy’ by improving my ability to avoid, reduce or get rid of negative thoughts and feelings.
8b.
I will become ‘happy’ and ‘healthy’ by allowing negative thoughts and feelings to come and go of their own accord, and learning to live effectively when they are present.
9a.
If I can’t suppress or get rid of a negative emotional reaction, it’s a sign of personal failure or weakness.
9b.
The need to control or get rid of a negative emotional reaction is a problem in itself.
10a.
Having negative thoughts and feelings is an indication that I’m psychologically unhealthy or ‘I’ve got problems’.
10b.
Having negative thoughts and feelings means I’m a normal human being.
11a.
People who are in control of their lives can generally control how they feel.
11b.
People who are in control of their lives do not need to try to control their feelings.
12a.
It is not okay to feel anxious and I try hard to avoid it.
12b.
I don’t like anxiety, but it’s okay to feel it.
13a.
Negative thoughts and feelings are a sign that there is something wrong with my life.
13b.
Negative thoughts and feelings are an inevitable part of life for everyone.
14a.
I have to feel good before I can do something that’s important and challenging.
14b.
I can do something that’s important and challenging even if I’m feeling anxious or depressed.
15a.
I try to suppress thoughts and feelings that I don’t like by just not thinking about them.
15b.
I don’t try to suppress thoughts and feelings that I don’t like. I just let them come and go of their own accord.
To score your test, count the number of times you selected option ‘a’ or ‘b’. (Please keep a record of your score. At the end of this book, I’ll ask you to come back and do this test again.)
The more times you selected option ‘a’, the greater the likelihood that control issues are creating significant suffering in your life. How so? Well, that’s the subject of the next chapter.
Michelle has tears streaming down her eyes. ‘What’s wrong with me?’ she asks. ‘I have a great husband, great kids, a great job. I’m fit; I’m healthy. We have a lovely house. We’re well off. We live in a beautiful area. So why aren’t I happy?’
It’s a good question. Michelle seems to have everything she wants in life, so what’s going wrong? We’ll come back to Michelle later in this chapter, but for now let’s take a look at what’s happening in your life.
Presumably, if you’re reading this book, there’s room for your life to work better than it does. Maybe your relationship is in trouble, or you’re lonely or heart broken. Maybe you hate your job, or maybe you’ve lost it. Maybe your health is deteriorating. Maybe someone you love has died, or rejected you, or moved far away. Maybe you’re having a midlife crisis. Maybe you have low self-esteem or no self-confidence or feelings of inadequacy. Maybe you have drug or alcohol problems or other addictions. It could be financial or legal difficulties, or that you just feel stuck and don’t know
what
you want. Maybe you’re suffering from depression or anxiety, or you could just be bored with life or feel that it lacks any meaning.
Whatever the problem is, it undoubtedly gives rise to unpleasant thoughts and feelings—and you’ve probably spent a lot of time and effort trying to escape them or blot them out. But suppose those attempts to get rid of your bad thoughts and feelings are actually lowering the quality of your life? In ACT we have a saying for this: ‘The solution is the problem!’
What do you do when you have an itch? You scratch it, right? And usually this works so well you don’t even think about it: scratch the itch and it goes away. Problem solved. But suppose one day you develop a patch of eczema (a common skin condition). The skin is very itchy, so naturally you scratch it. However, the skin cells in this region are already inflamed and therefore highly sensitive, and when you scratch them, they release chemicals called histamines, which are highly irritating. And these histamines inflame the skin even further. So after a little while the itch returns—with a greater intensity than before. And, of course, if you scratch it again, it gets even worse! The more you scratch, the worse the eczema and the bigger the itch.
Scratching is a good solution for a fleeting itch in normal, healthy skin. But for a persistent itch in abnormal skin, scratching is harmful: the ‘solution’ becomes part of the problem. This is commonly known as a ‘vicious cycle’. And in the world of human emotions, vicious cycles are common. Here are a few examples:
You can see that these are all examples of trying to get rid of, avoid or escape from unpleasant feelings. We call these ‘control strategies’ because they are attempts to directly control how you feel. The table on the following page shows some of the most common control strategies. I’ve organised them into two main categories: fight strategies and flight strategies. Fight strategies involve fighting with or trying to dominate your unwanted thoughts and feelings. Flight strategies involve running away or hiding from those unwelcome thoughts and feelings. (Table 2.1)
Flight Strategies | Fight Strategies |
|---|---|
| Hiding/Escaping | Suppression |
| You hide away or escape from situations or activities that might bring up uncomfortable thoughts or feelings. For example, you drop out of a course or avoid going to a social function, in order to prevent feelings of anxiety. | You try to directly suppress unwanted thoughts and feelings. You forcefully push unwanted thoughts from your mind, or you push your feelings ‘deep down inside’. |
| Distraction | Arguing |
| You distract yourself from your thoughts and feelings by focusing on something else. For example, you’re feeling bored or anxious, so you smoke a cigarette or eat some ice cream or go shopping. Or you’re worried about some important issue at work, so you spend all night watching television to try to keep your mind off it. | You argue with your own thoughts to try to disprove them rationally. For example, if your mind says, ‘You’re a failure’, you may argue back, ‘Oh, no, I’m not—just look at everything I’ve achieved in my work.’ Or you may argue against reality, protesting that, ‘It shouldn’t be like this!’ |
| Zoning Out/Numbing | Taking Charge |
| You try to cut off from your thoughts and feelings by zoning out or making yourself numb, most commonly through the use of medication, drugs or alcohol. Some people do their zoning out by sleeping excessively or simply ‘staring at the walls’. | You try to take charge of your thoughts and feelings. For example, you may tell yourself things like, ‘Snap out of it!’ ‘Stay calm!’ or ‘Cheer up!’ Or you try to replace negative thoughts with positive ones, or to force yourself to be happy when you’re not. |
| Self-bullying | |
| You try to bully yourself into feeling differently. You call yourself names like ‘loser’ or ‘idiot’. Or you criticise and blame yourself: ‘Don’t be so pathetic! You can handle this; why are you being such a coward? You should know better than this.’ |
| Table 2.1 |
What’s the problem with using methods like these to try to control your thoughts and feelings? The answer is nothing, if:
If you’re not too distressed or upset—if you’re just dealing with run-of-the-mill, everyday stress—then deliberate attempts to control your thoughts and feelings aren’t likely to be a problem. In some situations distraction can be a good way of dealing with unpleasant emotions. If you’ve just had a row with your partner and you’re feeling hurt and angry, it could be helpful to distract yourself by going for a walk or burying your head in a book until you calm down. And sometimes zoning out can be beneficial. For example, if you’re stressed and drained after a gruelling day’s work, falling asleep on the couch may be just the ticket to help you rejuvenate.
However, control methods become problematic when:
To varying degrees, every one of us uses control strategies. I mean, who wouldn’t prefer to do without some of the less enjoyable thoughts and feelings that crop up from time to time? And as we’ve seen, used in moderation, such attempts at control are no big deal. For instance, when I’m feeling particularly anxious, I sometimes eat a bar of chocolate or some biscuits. This is basically a form of distraction; an attempt to avoid some unpleasant feeling by focusing on something else. But because I don’t do it excessively, it doesn’t create a major problem in my life—I maintain a healthy weight, and I don’t give myself diabetes. Now, when I was in my early twenties it was a different story. Back then I ate a truckload of cakes and chocolates to try to avoid my anxiety (on a bad day I could go through five whole packets of TimTams), and as a result I became seriously overweight and developed high blood pressure. It was exactly the same control strategy, but when I used it excessively, it clearly had serious consequences.
If you’re worried about upcoming exams, you may try to distract yourself from the anxiety by watching television. Now, that’s fine if you’re only doing it every now and then, but if you do it too much, you’ll spend all your evenings watching television and you won’t get any studying done. This, in turn, will create more anxiety as your studies lag further and further behind. Therefore, as a method for anxiety control, distraction simply can’t work in the long run. And then there’s the obvious: dealing with your anxiety in this way prevents you from doing the one thing that would be genuinely helpful—studying.
The same goes for zoning out with alcohol or drugs. Moderate drinking or taking the occasional tranquilliser isn’t likely to have serious long-term consequences. But if such control methods become a crutch, it can easily lead to addiction, which then creates all sorts of complications, giving rise to even more painful feelings.
Notice that there is considerable overlap between these control strategies. Watching television instead of studying can be not only a distraction but also a hiding/escaping strategy (hiding or escaping from your studies). And television can also be used for zoning out: some people may sit in front of the telly for hours on end, watching without any genuine interest.
If you love somebody deeply and you lose that relationship—whether through death, rejection or separation—you will feel pain. That pain is called grief. Grief is a normal emotional reaction to any significant loss, whether a loved one, a job or a limb. There’s no way to avoid or get rid of it—it’s just there. And, once accepted, it will pass in its own time.
Unfortunately, many of us refuse to accept grief. We will do anything rather than feel it. We may bury ourselves in work, drink heavily, throw ourselves into a new relationship ‘on the rebound’ or numb ourselves with prescribed medications. But no matter how hard we try to push grief away, deep down inside it’s still there. And eventually it will be back.
It’s like holding a football underwater. As long as you keep holding it down, it stays beneath the surface. But eventually your arm gets tired and the moment you release your grip, the ball leaps straight up out of the water.
Donna was 25 years of age when her husband and child died in a tragic car crash. Naturally, she felt an enormous sense of loss: an explosion of painful feelings, including sadness, anger, fear, loneliness and despair. But Donna could not accept those painful feelings and she turned to alcohol to push them away. Getting drunk would temporarily soothe her pain, but once she sobered up, her grief returned with a vengeance—and then she’d drink even more to push it away again. By the time Donna came to see me six months later, she was knocking back two bottles of wine a day, as well as some Valium and sleeping tablets. The single biggest factor in her recovery was her willingness to stop running away from her pain. Only when she opened herself to her feelings, and accepted them as a natural part of the grieving process, was she able to come to terms with her terrible loss. This enabled her to grieve effectively for her loved ones and channel her energy into building a new life. (Later in the book, we’ll look at how she accomplished that.)
What do you cherish most in life? Health? Work? Family? Friends? Religion? Sport? Nature? It’s no surprise that life is richer and more fulfilling when we actively invest our time and energy in the things that are most important or meaningful to us. Yet all too often our attempts to avoid unpleasant feelings get in the way of doing what we truly value.
For example, suppose you are a professional actor and you love your work. Then one day, quite out of the blue, you develop an intense fear of failure just as you are due to appear onstage. So you refuse to go on (a malady commonly known as ‘stage fright’). Refusing to go onstage may well reduce your fear temporarily, but it also stops you from doing something you truly value.
Or suppose you’ve just gone through a divorce. Sadness, fear and anger are all natural reactions, but you don’t want to have these unpleasant feelings. So you try to lift your mood by eating junk food, getting drunk or chain-smoking cigarettes. But what does this do to your health? I’ve never met anyone who didn’t value their health, and yet many people use control strategies that actively damage their physical bodies.