The Heart Remembers (15 page)

She gathered up her purse and bag, and he followed her to the door, searching for something to say that would make her reconsider. When she turned on the threshold and looked at him, her eyes were filled with anguish and brimming with tears. His stomach tightened into a painful knot, and he
wanted to reach out to her, gather her in his arms, tell her that he loved her and would never do anything to hurt her. But he doubted she would believe him. Why should she? He'd hurt her once before. And now he'd done it again. What was that old saying? Fool Me Once, Shame On You; Fool Me Twice, Shame On Me. And Maggie was no fool. Hurt and betrayed a second time, he was afraid she would simply choose to cut her losses and go on alone. She was strong enough to do it.

But he wasn't strong enough to go on without her. He needed her. Desperately. For the rest of his life.

“Goodbye, Jake.” Her voice was quiet, and though a tremor ran through it, he heard the finality in the words.

And as he watched while she turned and walked out into the cold rain, the rest of his life suddenly loomed emptily before him.

J
ake turned into the church parking lot and pulled into a vacant spot by the front door.

“What are we doing here?” Howard gave his son a suspicious look.

Jake shut off the engine and angled himself toward his father, resting his arm on the back of the seat. Ever since the fiasco with Maggie this morning, he'd been trying to figure out how to mend the rift with his father. And then suddenly, on the drive to Bangor, a plan had formed in his mind. He wasn't sure it would work. In fact, he figured the odds were fifty-fifty at best. But he knew in his heart that this was the only way he and his father might have a chance at a true reconciliation. And so he had to try. He took a deep, calming breath and gazed steadily at the older man.

“I'd like to talk with you, Dad. On neutral
ground. In a place where we can't shout at each other.”

His father's eyes were guarded. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Us.”

Howard shifted and turned away, staring straight ahead. “Seems like we've done enough talking already. Maybe too much.”

“Too much of the kind you're referring to, that's for sure. But I have something different in mind. Will you give me a few minutes?”

While Howard considered the request, Jake waited quietly, his physical stillness giving away none of his inner turmoil. Only when his father grunted his assent did he realize he'd been holding his breath, and he let it out in a long, relieved sigh.

They didn't speak again until they were seated in a back row in the quiet, dim church. It was peaceful there, and conducive to the kind of talk Jake had in mind. He just hoped his father would be receptive.

Jake hadn't really prepared the speech he was about to give. All he could do was trust the right words would come as he needed them.

“I guess it's no secret that things have been rough between us for a long time. Twelve years, to be exact. You didn't approve of my decision to
leave Maggie and join the navy, and pretty much told me to my face that I was being selfish and irresponsible. I didn't want to hear that then. It hurt too much. The truth often does.”

His father jerked toward him, his face registering surprise.

Jake managed a wry smile. “I guess you never expected me to admit you were right, did you? There's stubborn blood in this family, you know. And a lot of pride. Too much, sometimes. I think that's what got us into trouble through the years. I was too stubborn and proud to admit I was wrong, even though in my heart I knew it was true. Then, to make things worse, the man I had always loved and admired, who I never wanted to disappoint, had rejected me. So…I rejected him.

“It wasn't a rational decision, Dad. It was reactive, a way to protect my heart from the pain of knowing I had disappointed you and hurt Maggie. After that, we just seemed to grow further and further apart. It's not something I ever wanted. The truth is, I missed you all these years. I missed your humor and your kindness and your guidance. And I missed your love.”

He reached over and gripped the older man's hand, the hand that more than thirty-five years before had been extended to him in encouragement as he took his first few struggling steps. Jake
was breaking new ground today, too, taking new, faltering steps in their relationship, and he was as much afraid of falling now as he probably had been then.

“Dad, I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you through the years. I'm sorry I wasn't there for Mom—and you—when you needed me most. I want to try and make things right, but I need your help. That's what I'm asking for today. I've been on my own for twelve years now, and one of the things I discovered is that I need you now as much as I ever did. Maybe more. Please give me another chance.”

Jake thought he saw the glint of moisture in the older man's eyes before he averted his glance, but he couldn't be sure.

Several long moments of silence passed, and Jake saw this father's Adam's apple bob. When Howard at last turned back to him, he seemed less stiff, less aloof than he had at any time since coming to Maine.

“I know your mother would have wanted this, Jake.” His voice hoarsened, and he cleared his throat. “It was one of the last things she asked for before she died. Fact is…I always wanted it, too. But it was like you said, we sort of took our positions and just dug in. Neither of us was willing to budge. Can't say it did either of us any good. And
it sure did make your mother sad. She called me a stubborn fool more than once, told me you'd come back in a flash if I gave you half a chance. Guess she was right after all. Clara had a way of knowing about those things. I should have listened to her. But that West pride got in the way, I expect. Couldn't bring myself to admit that maybe I was a little too hard on you. Not that I agreed with what you did. Still don't. But it was a lot to take on at such a young age. Looking back, I can understand how it must have been pretty overwhelming. I guess Maggie can, too, seeing as how you two are getting along so well these days.”

Jake didn't correct him. The situation with Maggie was too fresh, too raw, to even discuss. He would find a way to deal with it later. He had to. His future depended on it. But at the moment, he had another relationship to mend.

“Does that mean you're willing to make a new start?”

“Yes. But I expect we'll still have our differences.”

“I'm sure we will. The key is to agree up front that we'll work them out instead of building walls. We just need to keep the lines of communication open, just like you did with Rob all those years ago.”

Howard smiled, and the bleakness that had
earlier been in his eyes was replaced by a new warmth. “Even if it takes hot chocolate and sandwiches in the woods?”

Jake grinned. “
Especially
if it takes that. Maggie's converted me to hot chocolate.”

“That girl always was a good influence on you. I'm glad she's back in your life.”

Though his stomach clenched, Jake kept his smile firmly in place. “So am I, Dad. But we have run into a bit of a roadblock.” He couldn't say much more, not without revealing
why
they were having a problem, and there was no need to tell his father about the retirement home. That idea was already history, had been almost from the moment he'd sent for the brochure.

“Nothing serious, I hope.”

“We'll work it out.” Jake stood, hoping that was true. “Ready to go home?”

“Let me say a few words to the man upstairs, long as we're here. And I'll put in a good word for you and Maggie, too.”

Jake didn't argue. Because he was going to need all the help he could get.

 

Maggie paced back and forth in the living room, agitated and unsettled. This time, when Jake called, he hadn't let her put him off as he had on the numerous other occasions he'd phoned.
Tonight he'd simply asked if she would be home and announced he was coming over.

She paused in front of the fireplace and gazed down into the flickering flames, a troubled frown creasing her brow. Since the day she'd walked out of Jake's house almost three weeks ago, her emotions had been on a roller coaster. They'd run the gamut from devastation to bleakness to loneliness to grief to anger. She'd berated herself over and over again for allowing her trust to be betrayed a second time—and by the
same
man! How big of a fool could she be?

She'd asked herself repeatedly if she had overreacted. And always the answer came back the same. No. Jake had made a sacred promise to his mother, literally as she was dying, and until the past few weeks had gone to admirable lengths to keep it. Everything he'd done and said in the months he'd been here had seemed to indicate he was a changed man, a man who understood the meaning of duty and honor and responsibility.

Maggie empathized with Jake's frustration and sense of helplessness over his relationship with his father. She'd had similar moments during the girls' growing-up years, when they'd clashed and said things they'd later regretted. It happened. But you didn't deal with it by turning your back on the problem, by shoving it out of sight. You talked
about it. You worked things through. You made amends and went on. You didn't walk out.

Yet that's what Jake had contemplated doing when things got rough. The very fact that he'd even
considered
breaking his promise scared Maggie to death. Because if he'd done that with Howard when things got dicey, how did she know he wouldn't do it with her?

And that was one fear she couldn't handle. Life was filled with uncertainties. She knew that. But if she ever married, she wanted to do so secure in the knowledge that the sacred vows of “for better, for worse” would be honored by the man to whom she'd given her heart. And she was no longer sure Jake was that man.

The doorbell interrupted her thoughts, and she jerked. She didn't feel ready to face Jake. Then again, she doubted she ever would. So they might as well get this over with.

When she reached the front door, she took a slow, deep breath, then pulled it open.

For a long, silent moment, Jake simply looked at her, his breath making frosty clouds in the still, cold air. He was wearing a suede, sheepskin-lined jacket over dark brown corduroy slacks, and his hands were shoved deep into the pockets. The shadowy light on the porch highlighted the hag
gard planes of his face, and Maggie suspected he'd suffered as many sleepless nights as she had. “Hello, Maggie.”

She moved aside to let him enter.

“Hello, Jake.”

She took his jacket when he shrugged out of it and motioned him toward the living room. “Let's talk in there. I have a fire going.”

After hanging up his coat, she chose a chair set slightly apart from the others. Jake sat on the couch and leaned forward, forearms resting on his thighs, hands clasped.

“Thank you for seeing me, Maggie.”

“I suppose we had to talk sooner or later.”

“Well, it was tonight or not for several months. Dad and I are going to Rob's tomorrow for Christmas. We won't be back until after you leave for Europe.”

That was unexpected news. “When did you decide to do that?”

“Last week. Rob invited us, and Dad wanted to go. It will be a good chance for all of us to have some family time together. It's not the way I anticipated spending Christmas, but given the circumstances, I thought it might be for the best.”

Maggie's throat constricted, and the ache in her heart intensified as she turned to gaze into the fire. She blinked to hold back the tears welling in her
eyes, berating herself for her lack of control, and took a deep breath before she spoke.

“You're probably right.” How she managed such a calm, controlled tone when her insides were in turmoil, she never knew.

“Yeah.” He sounded more resigned than convinced. “But I couldn't leave with things so unresolved between us.” He raked his fingers through his hair, then stood and moved beside the fire, gripping the mantle with one hand as he focused on the flickering flames. When at last he turned to her, his eyes were troubled. “The fact is, Maggie, the whole retirement home idea was a bust, from start to finish. I'm not even sure why I sent for that brochure, except that I was desperate. I wanted to keep my promise to my mother, but I also knew Dad was unhappy, which wasn't good for his health. I was between the proverbial rock and a hard place.

“I guess what it comes down to is this—I'm human. I make mistakes. And that was a big one. But I never pursued it beyond sending for that brochure. Because I realized, even before you walked out, that I had to try harder to make things work with Dad. The two of us had been living under the same roof for months, but we'd never really connected, never really opened up and been honest with each other, never dealt with the issues that
divided us. And so I decided to tackle them head-on when he got back.”

He paused and dropped down on the ottoman in front of her, his eyes so close that she could see the gold flecks in their depths. As well as the sincerity.

“It worked, Maggie. The last three weeks have been the best we've had in twelve years. We admitted to each other where we'd fallen short and agreed to try our best to make things work. And we are. I know we'll still have some rough times. I think that's the nature of any human relationship. But we'll get through them. Because we both want it to work.”

He reached for her hand then, and Maggie's breath caught in her throat. It took only this simple touch to reawaken all the longing she'd ruthlessly crushed since she'd walked out of his house.

“The fact is, I feel the same about us. I have almost since the day I took shelter here from the mist. I never realized how lonely the past twelve years had been until then. I know you're disappointed and disillusioned right now. I know you think I betrayed your trust. But I do honor my commitments. I'm a different man in a lot of ways than the twenty-five-year-old who walked out on you twelve years ago. What I did then was wrong, and I make no excuses. All I can do is give you my
word that it will never happen again. The retirement home fiasco notwithstanding, I've learned a lot about duty and honor and responsibility in these past dozen years. I can't promise I won't make mistakes. But I can promise you that in the end I'll always do the right thing. Because I love you with all my heart. And I always will.”

The tears in Maggie's eyes were close to spilling over. With every fiber of her being she wanted to believe him. But hurt had made her cautious. And so had the need for self-preservation.

As she struggled to process all Jake had said, he threw her another curve.

Slowly he reached into the pocket of his slacks and withdrew a small, square box, then flipped it open to reveal a sparkling solitaire.

Maggie gaped at the dazzling ring. “Isn't that…that's the ring…” Her voice trailed off.