The High Queen's Vow [The Mystic Women of The Realm Series Book IV] (29 page)

Ann'wn ordered her attendants to tend and watch over The High Queen, then went outside. She looked about her, wishing that The Healer was well, or Caitha, or Sle'nel'. She felt lost without them, and didn't quite know what to do in regard to The High Queen.

She looked at one of her guards and gave an order, “Have the High Counselor brought to me."

The High Queen slept fitfully as the images of Sle'nel', Caitha, and The Healer's tortures played over and over in her mind. Her guilt consumed her.

You have become soft.

No.

Yes. You have failed your teachers.

No!

These three were harmed because of your softness.

I didn't want them to be harmed.

It is your fault.

No!

Yes! You should have prevented this. You are lucky that they didn't die.

Leave Me!

You are to blame, solely.

No. This cannot be truth.

She fought against her demons in her sleep, while yet fully believing it was her fault that Sle'nel’ had endured such depraved acts. She didn't want to see the memories she had taken from Sle'nel’ and the others, yet forced herself to watch them, to feel the pain, to view the tortures slowly, one-by-one, as they had been endured, over and over again.

Watching as the Dark Sorcerer sent the burning red-hot iron very slowly through Sle'nel's shoulder, she saw the Dark Sorcerer laughing as Sle'nel’ screamed from the pain. She smelled the burning flesh; saw the tortured look upon her lover's face. She saw Sle'nel's look of terror and defeat as the Dark Sorcerer raped her over and over again.

"NO!"

The sound of her own terror violently woke her. She sat up and looked around, trying to determine her location. She took note that she was breathing hard and sweating from her eve-visions, then moved closer to Sle'nel’ to examine her wounds.

Good. The wounds are beginning to heal.

She studied her Elf's beautiful but well-injured face,
So beautiful, even with all this done to her.

She provided more relief from the pain, and gave yet more of her healing powers to the wounds, then rose and left the tent. The guard had been surprised to see her Queen exit the tent, being told that she would sleep for over a turn. She ran to inform Ann'wn.

Ann'wn quickly rose, checked on The Healer, then left the tent to find her Queen, “Bring the High Counselor and The Highest to me."

The High Queen had returned to the spot in which she had held herself so removed from The Realm. She urgently entered her meditations, needing distance from her uncontrollable emotions. The guilt was consuming her, but she didn't know what to do with these feelings. Never prior had she dealt with such, and now she fully understood why her teachers had wanted her to remain distant and aloof from all others.

Feel nothing. Remove yourself from these thoughts and emotions.

Feel no pain.

Feel no hurt.

Feel no love.

Feel nothing. Nothing at all.

Aloof. Observant.

As High Queen, prior to Sle'nel', she would escape to her gardens, meditating until she could distance herself enough from The Realm, until she could make sense of the events. On this occasion, however, she could make sense of nothing, unable to distance from the memories of the tortures the three had endured. Her guilt was consuming her fully, and she knew no way to halt it.

She moved into one of her mediations, distancing from The Realm, then moved into another, testing the stance, only to find that when bringing forward the memories of the tortures, she couldn't remain distant. She then backed out of her meditations, cried softly for a long while, then tried again. The weight of her guilt lay upon her as heavy as if she were being crushed by a thousand stones, yet she knew no way to halt the burden. More than once, when bringing forward the memories of the tortures, she ran quickly to a sheltered location, and lost her stomach's contents.

As she was crying to herself, Ann'wn, Sam, and Mil'der'in approached, “My Queen."

"Leave Me."

"I call for an audience, my Queen."

The voice startled her, but she quickly regained her distance, “Leave Me, High Counselor."

"I demand an audience."

She ignored the comment, returning to her meditations. Ann'wn, Sam and Mil'der'in attempted to speak to her for many moments, then were finally made to give up. Ann'wn knew not what else to try, so the pattern continued for two more turns. Finally, as she was standing near her Queen, watching over her, The Healer appeared.

"High One."

The voice jolted The High Queen back into The Realm, “You should be resting, Healer. Your head is not yet healed."

"It is healed enough. Come. Walk with me, High One."

San'lr'in’ looked at Ann'wn, saw that she also looked surprised, then turned and walked with The Healer.

Many turns had passed since Sle'nel', Caitha and Shr'dler'in had been rescued. During those turns, San'lr'in’ had given fully of all her healing powers and spells onto them, helping them to heal quickly from the most serious of the wounds. While Sle'nel’ remained yet healing, The Healer and Caitha were much improved because of The High Queen's overly-obsessed attentions on them.

During their eves alone, Ann'wn had told Shr'dler'in of what The High Queen was going through. The Healer had gone to see Caitha and told her of The High Queen's obsessions. Caitha had informed The Healer that Sle'nel’ also seemed most saddened.

"They each now believe that the other no longer desires them. A sad affair. The High Queen must think that Sle'nel’ could no longer wish to be with her, while The Elf must feel that she is no longer desirable after what the Dark Sorcerer did to her."

Together, they determined and plotted how to best help their Queen and Elf

"Why does she think this to be her blame? She saved us.” Caitha couldn't understand why San'lr'in’ remained so wracked with guilt over their injuries, with the exception of what Sle'nel’ had endured.

The Healer nodded gently, yet recovering from her great head wound, “It is who our High Queen is. She has always taken on such burden. It is why she is so well loved. But it is an overly difficult burden to bear, so we must convince her of otherwise. If we don't believe her guilty, why should she feel as such? But we can help them. Here is what we will do..."

As Shr'dler'in and The High Queen entered Sle'nel's tent, San'lr'in’ asked, “Why do we go here, Healer?"

"We were visiting with each other, and both Sle'nel’ and Caitha became with pain. I cannot provide any healing as yet."

The High Queen nodded, knowing the obvious truth of the statement. She smiled softly at Caitha and Sle'nel’ when she saw them. Even though her heart pounded with excitement at seeing her Elf and seeing her much recovered, she kept herself at a distance from the emotion, knowing full well that this is what the Elf would desire.

She looked at Caitha, “You are with pain?"

"A little. My head."

The High Queen placed her hands on Caitha's head very tenderly. She felt deeply in Caitha's mind, examining it for any mental issues left over from the ordeal. She removed the few she found, then removed Caitha's pain, and provided more of her own healing powers.

"My arm could use a little assistance, High One, if you are able."

The High Queen nodded, “I am pleased to do this for you, Healer."

While she was helping The Healer, The Healer began talking to her, “Thank you for saving us, High One. We never lost hope in this."

Caitha nodded and added, “I have never prior seen such a display of powers as you provided. It made me feel much improved to see that evil one have to take as such."

San'lr'in’ heard them, but said nothing. She simply nodded and smiled softly, but with distance. She looked at Sle'nel’ and saw her staring off into nowhere, “Are you with pain, Elf?"

Sle'nel’ looked sad, but had looked as such since the ordeal with the Dark Sorcerer. While Ann'wn and the others had been overly concerned about their Queen, The Healer and Caitha had become concerned over the Elf's own distancing from The Realm. She had spoken very little since her return from the Dark Sorcerer, and had displayed no signs of wishing to be in The Realm.

She merely shook her head and responded with barely a whisper, “I know not, but my body seems to be healing. It matters not. I care nothing of this."

"She has told us that she feels—"

"No! You have not this right."

The High Queen looked first at Caitha, who had first spoken, then at Sle'nel', who had reprimanded Caitha, “How do you feel, Elf? Are you in pain?"

She said nothing, and looked almost angry.

The Healer spoke, “Her knee is hurting her this turn, High One."

The High Queen crouched down near her lover, “Your knee?"

Sle'nel’ nodded, desiring her Queen's touch, her nearness, but also wanting to desire nothing ever again. Like her Queen, never again did she wish to feel her emotions. And she knew that her Queen could no longer desire her presence so tried to distance herself away from the Queen she loved so well. San'lr'in’ couldn't understand that Sle'nel’ was feeling even more hurt by her as the moment of betrayal with Sam.

San'lr'in’ placed both her hands on Sle'nel's knee and sent all her available healing powers into it, removing the remaining pain.

Sle'nel’ touched San'lr'in's hand as it now covered her knee, “Thank you."

It was Sle'nel's signal to her that it had been enough healing, but after their separation and quiet unspoken desperation, the touch had opened a passage. The High Queen closed her eyes at the feeling of Sle'nel's hand upon her own, shivering slightly at its surprising intensity. The feeling had erupted from her, making her desire more.

She looked down at Sle'nel's hand, wanting to take it into her own. She studied it for a moment, wanting to return the touch, but knowing that Sle'nel’ would never desire anyone's touch again; especially hers.

Surprisingly to Sle'nel', the touch had awoken her emotions for her Queen. She held her breath for a moment, not wanting to feel, fighting against it. But she didn't remove her hand.

Neither moved.

They were fully hesitant in the moment, desiring more, but afraid of such. Their feelings felt overly raw and sensitive, for each of them.

The High Queen finally breathed, then moved her hands, “How is your shoulder?"

Sle'nel’ also breathed in deeply as she took her hand back to her. She tried to make the moment more light, laughing softly, “I think I now fully understand what A'lon'lden must have endured."

San'lr'in’ sighed, understanding the statement. She nodded and moved her hand to her lover's cheek, forgetting her vow to remain distant, “I was so certain I could keep you safe from such as this. I have failed you."

Sle'nel’ trembled at the touch, her body beginning to shake. She closed her eyes, then slowly and hesitantly moved her hand onto San'lr'in's. She didn't want the feeling to leave.

Please need me. Please remain with me.

The High Queen had thought that Sle'nel’ would never again desire her touch, so was surprised. She sensed Sle'nel's thoughts for a moment.

Again surprised, she answered Sle'nel's unspoken thoughts, “Of course I need you, My Elf. More than you can know. But I am ashamed of Myself for allowing this occurrence. I have become weak, or this never would have occurred. This never should have occurred."

Sle'nel’ looked into her Queen's eyes for the first moment since the rescue, seeing the kindest yet saddest of looks, “It was you who gave me my strength. If you stand as distant, ashamed of yourself, ashamed of me, then where am I to find such courage?"

"Ashamed of you? I could never be so. You astound Me in your braveness. But you shouldn't depend so on Me for your strength, My Elf."

Sle'nel's eyes narrowed at the use of the term ‘braveness', and her voice yet again became distant at the memory of what it took to fight against the Dark Sorcerer, “Bravery is merely fear holding on but one moment more, only."

The High Queen was stunned at the statement, “Yes. This is truth, most certain, My Wise One. But bravery is yet the term for it. And loyalty. You saved your friends from greater harm. You maintained hope."

Sle'nel’ ignored the statement, but saw the tenderness in her lover's eyes. She touched The High Queen's arm, then moved down it slowly until their hands touched. As she held her Queen's hand, San'lr'in’ squeezed it lightly. The feeling was like fire to both of them.

Neither moved.

Neither breathed.

After a moment, she asked, “Is this a brave moment, my Queen?"

San'lr'in’ smiled at the question, “No. This is, most certain, fear holding on but one moment more.” Then, trying to regain control of herself, she asked, “Do you have much pain?"

Sle'nel’ had some, but thought it enough under control to not worry over, so shook her head. She noticed that their hands were yet firmly locked together. She looked back into her Queen's eyes, seeing softness and love. Her heart pounded as she remained frozen with uncertainty. After her ordeal with the Dark Sorcerer, she certainly never wished to be touched again, but needed and desired her Queen's touch and love more than anything she had ever felt. She didn't know what to do with her most conflicted feelings.

San'lr'in’ returned Sle'nel's stare, feeling more comforted in the moment than she had anticipated. She didn't want their hands to separate, noticing that they were holding on tightly together. She could barely breathe and didn't quite know how to move in the moment.

Sle'nel’ responded to her Queen's question, “You have controlled it well enough. Even now, most of my bruises have diminished greatly. Do you have any powers left? You must have used them all on us."

She laughed lightly, “It would seem that all My powers went into healing the three of you. In truth, I have felt overly guilty, so over-extended My powers in this fashion, but I did so freely. I will recover them soon enough."

The High Queen brought Sle'nel's hand to her lips and kissed it as if it were the most prized possession in all of existence. She hadn't realized she was beginning to open up to her Elf, but did know that she didn't wish to leave.