The Honeymoon Arrangement (20 page)

‘Do you see yourself in a relationship again?’

Finn took a long time to answer. ‘I think I need to be on my own for a while.’

No surprised there, Callie thought.

‘I never jump into situations with my eyes closed, Callie. I think everything through. I don’t do quick and impulsive and crazy. Relationships that are meant to last take time and are hard work.’

His words rumbled over her and she could hear the conviction in his tone.

‘I’m pretty sure that I don’t want a long-distance relationship again, but that’s all I can have until I give up my job and find something else to do. And that’s not going to happen any time soon.’

You, me, us—we’re not going to happen either
.
Callie heard his unspoken words
.
That wasn’t the deal
.

Callie stretched out her legs and dug her toes into the sand, her eyes burning behind her dark glasses. ‘I’m really glad that I was able to be your rebound girl, Finn.’

Finn linked her hand in his. ‘Maybe you should try being in a relationship some time, Cal.’

She forced herself to sound jovial, carefree. ‘How come you get to be footloose and fancy-free but I should settle down?’ she asked, making sure that she had a small smile on her face.

‘Because you’ve only
ever
been footloose and fancy-free. I think that you would be a brilliant partner: you’re fun, intelligent, and crazy good in the sack.’

Finn pushed his sunglasses into his hair and she caught her breath at the passion and …
affection? …
she saw in his eyes.

‘And you’d be a stunning mum one day.’

Callie instinctively shook her head. ‘Yeah,
that’s
not going to happen.’

‘Why not?’ Finn asked gently.

Callie folded her arms against her chest and shook her head. ‘I’m never putting any child through what my mother did to me!’

Finn grabbed her chin and tipped her head up, making her meet his eyes. ‘Honey, you would never do to your kid what your mum did to you. No way, no how.’

Callie swallowed the lump in her throat. ‘How do you know? I’m selfish, I bounce around the world, I’m totally self-involved.’

‘No, you’re not. That’s who you pretend to be.’ Finn cupped the side of her face in his broad palm. ‘When you decide that you’re strong enough to be brave, when you find someone you love enough to risk your heart, you’ll hand it over because you’re so damn generous. And when you bring a kid into the world you’ll be incredible at that—because you know how not having a mum affected
you
.’

‘I don’t know if I can do either—hand my heart over
or
have a kid,’ Callie admitted.

‘One day …’ Finn said, lying back in the sand and placing a forearm over his eyes. ‘I can almost guarantee it.’

Except that right now, holiday romance or not
,
Callie thought bitterly
,
I can’t imagine doing that with anyone else but you
.

Stupid girl
, she thought, standing up and walking to the super-clear water. She waded in, waiting for it to become deep enough so that she could dive.
That’s why you shouldn’t have deep conversations with Finn … why you should keep it light and frothy
.

Because deep conversations raised possibilities that she wasn’t ready to think about or deal with. Deep conversations
gave birth to dreams that would never come true, possibilities that would never be realised.

Wishes that would never be fulfilled.

After a light lunch of freshly caught prawns and garden salad, accompanied by a glass of dry white wine, Finn and Callie headed back to their room to escape the intensity of the midday sun. The private villa, tucked away into the palm trees just off the beach, was incredibly private—perfect for a honeymoon couple.

Except they weren’t on honeymoon, Finn reminded himself again. She was his fake wife and they were having a very temporary affair. But for a moment just now on the beach he’d been tempted to suggest that he and Callie try and extend it into real life.

Then he’d pulled himself back to reality. Callie was a stunning travelling companion: easy to look at, fun to talk to, great in bed.

The end.

Despite sharing their secrets, the mental and physical connection they had, she’d never once hinted at wanting anything more from him, wanting to change the rules.
She
knew that this was a holiday romance, so why was he suddenly doubting it? What the hell was he thinking?

Finn closed his eyes and shook his head. Goddammit, he was losing his mind. This trip was not real life—this was an aberration, a step out of time. It wouldn’t be like this every trip. It was usually hectic: a combination of stunning sights and experiences interrupted by long periods of boredom spent in hotel rooms and airport lounges.

It wasn’t a life to build a relationship on. As for another long-distance one? Well, that hadn’t worked out so well the last time he’d tried it, and Callie wasn’t the type of girl he’d be able to stay away from for long.

Finn walked over to the small fridge in the corner of the
lounge area and took out a bottle of water. Cracking the lid, he took a long drink and watched Callie as she pulled her T-shirt up and over her head, revealing the top half of the pink and orange bikini she was wearing. A vision of her, round and bursting with life with his child, flashed across his retina and he groaned. No, he wasn’t going to think of her in terms of for ever, in terms of creating a family with her.

Or being the man she fell in love with.

He wanted to be single, to get his bearings, and she was even more wary of commitment than he was. Why did he want to put his fist through that glass door at the thought of her loving and living with someone else? Handing over that very fragile heart to another man?

He was just projecting, influenced by the incredibleness of these past two weeks. This wasn’t reality.

Get a grip, Banning. She’s fun, good company and brilliant in the sack. That’s it. You have less than a week left of this—of her—so get your head out of your ass, stop obsessing, and catch a clue. Instead of standing here, staring at her like a moonstruck whipped boy, do something!

So he would do what he … they … did best. Lose themselves in each other …

He gestured with his water bottle. ‘Carry on,’ he told her.

Callie lifted her eyebrows at him. ‘Sorry?’

Her voice was prissy, but her sexy smile told him that she knew where he wanted to go and was happy to tag along.

‘Shorts off.’

Callie’s eyes deepened with passion as she slowly pulled down the zip to her brief denim shorts and shimmied them over her hips. When they dropped to the floor he looked at her standing there in the shadows, the shades drawn to keep the heat out.

‘Top off,’ he said in a croaky voice, and took another sip of water to moisten his mouth.

Callie reached behind her back and pulled one of the ties holding her top together before reaching for the other one around her neck. The two triangles joined her shorts on the floor and she placed her fists on her hips and stared at him.

He was rock-hard and ready to spring out of his pants—and he hadn’t even touched her yet. Surely after so much sex he should be able to temper his reaction to her by now? But it took just one look into those amazing eyes for him to be ready to roll. Surely he should have more control?

Then Callie stepped out of her bikini panties and he knew that, with her, he had absolutely no control at all.

As he reached for her he wondered how he was supposed to walk away from her. From the amazing sex but also, even harder, from her sharp mind, her dirty sense of humour and the vulnerable, soft soul beneath that vivacious personality?

How?

It was past eleven at night when their plane finally landed in Cape Town, and nearly midnight when Finn swung his SUV into the driveway in front of her closed-up house. This was unlike any homecoming she’d ever experienced, Callie thought, staring at her tightly laced hands in her lap. She didn’t want to be here, back in the city. She didn’t want to go back to real life, to work, to a life without Finn to wake up to, to make love with, to snuggle up to at night.

She wanted to be back in Kruger, in the sweltering heat of Livingstone, on that white sand beach. Anywhere with Finn … everywhere with Finn.

Finn’s white-knuckled hands gripped the steering wheel. ‘So, this is it.’

Callie sucked in her top lip. ‘Yep.’

‘How long are you in the country for?’ Finn asked, his voice low.

‘I think I have a quick trip scheduled to Milan for next week. You?’

‘Not sure. I have to get this article in and accepted, then I can choose between a dude ranch in Montana or the northern lights in Alaska.’

Callie made herself pat his shoulder. ‘Poor guy. I’m sure both will be terrible,’ she teased, and felt proud of herself. She wouldn’t make this goodbye difficult by weeping and wailing. She would hold her head up high and go out on a huge smile.

Finn turned his head to look at her. ‘They won’t be as much fun without you.’

Callie felt the tears well. ‘You can’t say that. I’m trying to be brave, here,’ she protested.

‘Me too.’ Finn blew out a long sigh before dropping his head back onto the headrest. He rolled his head to look at her. His eyes, deep with regret, caught and held hers. ‘I still want you.’

Callie swallowed and her hand instinctively reached out to grip his thigh. ‘I know. I want you too.’

‘Last time for the road?’

‘It’s a really bad idea, Finn.’

‘I know, but let’s do it anyway. I need to burn you into my memory one last time.’

The next morning, for the first time in weeks, Callie didn’t wake up to Finn laying hot, wet kisses down her back, or a hard, heavy arm across her waist, or warm male breath tickling her ear.

She was alone and she really didn’t like it.

Rolling over, she looked at the dent his head had left on the pillow and, inexplicably, felt tears burn her eyes. How was she supposed to live without him? Be without him?
Exist without him? How was she supposed to love him if he wasn’t even around?

Love? Was she in love? Could she be?

This was insane. Nobody fell in love after a month—especially her, a girl who didn’t believe in love and happily-ever-after. But she couldn’t deny it any more. She loved Finn—absolutely, utterly, probably catastrophically.

Callie sat up in bed and rested her head on her bent knees. This was
so
not a clever thing to have done. Finn was on the rebound—he didn’t want a relationship, wasn’t interested. She knew all this, but
she
was.

Should she tell him? A part of her wanted to, needed to. Callie had loved too few people in her life, had been loved by too few, to bury or ignore this amazing sensation when it came her way. It was what it was and it demanded to be expressed—to be validated, to be acknowledged. But she’d also told him that there would be no hearts and flowers, no demands for anything more, no complications. Was telling him that she loved him more important than keeping her promise? Especially since she knew that he didn’t feel the same way about her?

What should she do?

Callie lifted her head when she heard footsteps outside her door and made herself look at him as he stepped into her bedroom. She had to look at him because she didn’t know when she would again.

If
she would again …

Love was love, but that didn’t automatically translate into happily-ever-after. She knew that now. Her mother had said she loved her but she hadn’t stayed; she loved Finn, and even if by some miracle he felt the same they had so many obstacles in their way. They both travelled extensively. How could they mesh their schedules so that they could build a relationship? Maintain it?

But she was getting way ahead of herself. She still had to decide whether to tell him or not.

‘Hey, you’re awake,’ Finn said, handing her a cup of coffee.

‘I am. Thanks.’ Callie took the coffee and took a grateful sip, thankful for a reason not to talk.

‘I brought your bags in,’ Finn said, moving to look out of her window to the view of the sea.

Callie cocked her head at his quiet voice and knew that he was trying to ease his way out of her bedroom and her life. His fists were bunched in his pockets and his lips were pulled tight.

‘I checked my email while you were sleeping. I’m heading for Alaska.’

Callie felt as if the coffee was threatening to come up her throat again. ‘When?’ she asked, her throat hoarse.

‘Within a day or two.’

‘That soon, huh?’

Callie carefully placed her coffee cup on the side table and swung her legs out of bed. Reaching for a robe that hung over the back of her chair, she pulled it on. Her hands were shaky as she tied it at the waist.

‘So this is definitely goodbye?’

Finn turned and sat on the open windowsill. ‘It should have been goodbye last night. We just make it harder the longer we draw this out.’ His voice was low, but resolute.

He had no idea how hard it could be, Callie thought. He wasn’t in love with her but she was with him.

‘Do you think you’ll ever fall in love again?’ she asked, as a way to test these very turbulent waters. Just to make sure …

Finn’s head snapped up in surprise at the question. ‘I’m not sure I was in the first place.’ He raked a hand through his hair. ‘I don’t know … I don’t think so. If I was so inclined
then it would’ve been with you, during this last month.’

Callie struggled to keep him from seeing how those words pierced her soul. She used every acting skill she had to make her voice sound light and flirty.

‘So you’re not in love with me, then?’ she asked him, deliberately batting her eyelashes.

‘Nope. Why? Are you in love with me?’ Finn teased back, and she was faced with the do or die question.

Did she admit it and have their relationship end on an awkward, weird note—or did she let him leave her life thinking she was unaffected?

Never had a choice been so hard.

She tipped her head and dredged up a big, bold smile. ‘What would you say if I told you I was?’