From: Charlie Baum
To: Walter Baum
Subject: Jess
No luck yet. I couldn’t find out any more than you did. Hotel manager said she had checked out, all paid up. Don’t worry about her not using bank card. Could be very simple explanation. And no, don’t ask Lucas for help. He’s busy with Ella. I’ll look into flights to London today myself. I can be there in seven hours. Stay where you are for now. Try not to worry. Tell Meredith not to worry either. Jess has probably landed a big role and is out celebrating.
D
ear Diary,
Something terrible’s happened. I don’t know what to do.
I can’t write it down.
I want my mum.
I
ran out of Henrietta’s house. I had trouble opening the gate.
“You stupid, stupid, idiot girl,” Henrietta had said to me. “You’ve ruined everything.”
I’d tried to find my voice. “But you told me, you said—”
“That’s enough, Miss Fox, thank you,” Dr. Samson added. “You’ve done your dirty work on behalf of your uncle. Leave us now, would you?”
“I didn’t realize. I’m sor—”
“Get out, Ella,” Henrietta said. “Now!”
I finally got out onto the street, and stood there, disoriented, on the verge of tears. I hadn’t imagined Henrietta telling me they were getting divorced, had I? She
had
asked me to convince Lucas to sell the house, hadn’t she? I was suddenly unsure. My mind had been racing so fast this morning, my brain still full of the troubling dreams. Had I somehow managed to imagine it all?
No, I hadn’t. Henrietta
had
told me that she was getting divorced. That her husband had asked for the divorce, that he’d confessed he’d been having an affair. I’d heard her talking to the solicitor in the back of the taxi. I hadn’t imagined that. I’d heard her discussing financial arrangements.
I felt sick inside. What would Lucas do when he heard what I’d done? I had to get back to his house as quickly as possible. I ran to the nearest main road, praying for a taxi to appear. Like a miracle, one did. I hailed it, climbed in, gave Lucas’s address and sat back, my heart beating fast. I knew Henrietta would ring him as soon as she stopped arguing with her husband. I’d have to try to ring him first.
I reached into my bag for my phone. It was then I realized I’d left my notebook in Henrietta’s house. My notebook containing not just all my memories of Felix, but also Aidan’s letter.
I leaned forward, urgently. “Can you stop the cab, please?”
The driver pulled over.
I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t go back there. I had to see Lucas. But I couldn’t leave my notebook behind. It was too precious. It had—
My phone rang. It was Lucas. Henrietta must have already rung him.
I answered. “Lucas, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’ve done something terrible—”
“Where are you, Ella?”
“In a taxi. On my way home.”
“Good. See you soon.”
My decision was made. I asked the driver to keep going.
I had never been frightened of Lucas. I had never dreaded visiting him. I had walked up those steps hundreds of times in my life, always sure of my welcome, sure that I could knock on that door, call out his name, and he would greet me with a smile, with warmth, with love. Not now. I had ruined it. I had ruined his life, his plans, his relationship with Henrietta.
The door to the house opened as I got out of the taxi. Lucas stood there.
I wouldn’t cry. I couldn’t cry. “I’m so sorry, Lucas.”
“Come and tell me what happened, Ella.”
We went into his withdrawing room. The fire was lit. The photos of Felix were on the wall. It was all so familiar and now it was all so forbidding. I told him everything. From my conversation with Henrietta over dinner, what she had asked me to do on her behalf. Why I had gone to see her this morning. What had happened with her husband, how he had come in, our conversation about the editing. And then, what I had said about the divorce, about him and Henrietta going to live in France.
“I’m so sorry, Lucas. She’s so angry with me. I can’t blame her.”
“She is a little upset, yes.”
“But she
is
going to leave him, isn’t she? She told me. She wants to go and live in France with you. She wants you to sell this house—”
“She’s been asking me to do that for years, Ella. I’ve always said no. I said no this time too.”
I stared at him. “You don’t want to sell the house?”
“Of course not.”
“You’re not moving to France?”
“No. I like London too much.”
“But she said—”
“I’m sure she did. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it was true. Ella, please, sit down. Calm down. Everything’s fine.”
“How can it be? Haven’t I ruined everything?”
“Of course not. Let me go and make some tea. And while I’m doing that, I want you to take a look at this.” He handed me a folder of paperwork.
“What is it?”
“Take a look and you’ll see.”
He left the room. I opened the folder. It was the architect’s drawings for his renovations. I couldn’t understand it. I’d just ruined his decades-long love affair and he wanted me to look at renovation plans?
I went out into the kitchen with them. “Lucas, we can’t talk about this now.”
He looked up from the kettle. “Why not? I’ve been trying to get you to talk about it with me since you got here. Now seems as good a time as any.”
“Lucas, don’t you realize what happened today? I made a mess of everything for you with Henrietta and her husband.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“Lucas, I did. And I’ve done the same thing with the job you gave me. I’m still no closer to finding out who’s behind the thefts. I know how important it is. I’ll keep trying, I promise—”
“Ella, forget about the thefts.”
“I won’t. I promise I’ll work out which of the tutors it is, even if—”
“You won’t be able to.”
“I will. I just haven’t concentrated enough on it yet.”
“Ella, listen to me, please. You won’t be able to find out which tutor is to blame because none of them are. Because nothing was stolen.”
“Pardon?”
He repeated it.
“But you said—”
“Yes.”
“You e-mailed me. You asked me to come to London—”
“To give you something to do. To stop you running.”
I could only look at him.
“It was my idea and then Charlie backed me up. We thought if I said I needed your help, if I gave you a job, you would stay here out of loyalty—”
“But why?”
“Because one of us had to try something.”
“Why?”
“To stop you tormenting yourself and the rest of us with you.”
I shook my head. “I’m sorry, Lucas. I can’t listen to this.”
“Ella, you have to. We need you to stop running. Not just from Aidan, not just from Jess. From all of us.”
“That’s not fair, Lucas. It’s not true.”
“It is true. When I saw Aidan a month ago, I realized I couldn’t stand back any longer. I had to do something.”
“That’s why you asked me here?”
He nodded. “We tried to get Aidan here too. We haven’t managed it yet.”
“Here to London?”
“Yes. But he’s stopped answering Charlie’s messages. He’s gone quiet on us.”
I hesitated. “No, he hasn’t.”
“What?”
Tell him.
“I’ve had a letter.”
“From Aidan? Sent to this house?”
I nodded. “I got it two days ago.”
“What does it say?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t
know
?”
“I haven’t read it yet.”
An unreadable expression crossed Lucas’s face. I couldn’t tell if it was anger or disappointment or something else. “What a surprise.”
“Lucas, I couldn’t—”
“Ella, you could have. But you chose not to. You could have opened all of his letters. You could have stayed with him and helped him at any stage over the past twenty months. You chose not to. You chose to punish him for something that wasn’t his fault. As you’ve done to Jess. Punished her for something she must have wished again and again had never happened.”
I couldn’t believe what he was saying to me. I ignored what he said about Aidan. I focused on Jess instead. “How can you know that? Have you talked to her?”
“I didn’t need to. I could imagine how she feels.”
“Lucas, no—”
“Yes, Ella.” He paused. “Because what happened to Jess with Felix nearly happened to me too.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t speak.
“You need to hear this, Ella. It happened the night I was looking after him in Canberra. Do you remember? The night before I left? When I insisted you and Aidan go out for a drink together on your own, for an hour?”
I nodded.
“Something happened that night.”
I could only stare mutely at him.
“He loves fruit, you said. Oranges especially. Just give him small pieces, though, won’t you? So I did. I put him into his high chair, just as you’d shown me. I put the cut orange in a bowl and I gave him one segment. He loved it. I gave him another. He loved that too. I went back out into the kitchen to get more. And in the five seconds I was gone, he started choking. He’d put another whole piece in his mouth. When I came back in, his face was blue. I panicked. I pulled him out of the chair and I turned him upside down and I hit his back and reached into his mouth until the orange came out, until he started crying and I knew, thank God, I knew he was okay.”
I didn’t move. I didn’t say a word.
“Twenty minutes later you and Aidan came back home.”
I remembered. We had the glow of two drinks and an hour in each other’s company on us. We walked in and there was Lucas on the sofa, Felix happy and sleepy on his lap. Lucas was reading to him. I could even remember the book. It was
Madame Bovary
by Gustave Flaubert.
I found my voice at last. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was too shocked that night. I was leaving the next day. I decided you and Aidan didn’t need to know. But that’s why I know how Jess feels. Because I was five seconds from feeling it myself.”
Behind us, the phone rang. We ignored it. The answering machine clicked on. It was one of Lucas’s clients, wanting an extra tutoring session.
The room was too quiet afterward. I didn’t know how I felt. Shocked. Exhausted.
“Lucas—”
He held up his hand. “Let’s stop there for now, Ella. It’s been a difficult morning for us all.”
“I have to tell you this. Jess is in London.”
“I know. Charlie told me.”
“Charlie knew? And he didn’t tell me?”
Lucas didn’t answer. He didn’t need to. I’d told Charlie not to tell me anything about Jess or Aidan.
“Lucas, is Aidan—” I stopped.
He waited.
“Has Aidan—” I couldn’t say the words.
Has Aidan met someone new?
“Has Aidan recovered? Is that what you want to know?”
I nodded.
“Aidan is brokenhearted. From what I could tell, he has no life beyond his work and his guilt.”
“Why has he written to me again?”
“I don’t know.”
“Has he met someone? Does he want a divorce? Is that why he’s writing to me?”
“I don’t know, Ella. Aidan is your husband. Ask him yourself. Read his letter. Please. Now.”
If I’d had it, I would have taken it out then, read it in front of Lucas. I told him where it was. In my notebook, on the table in Henrietta’s living room.
To my astonishment, he started to laugh. Not just chuckle. He roared laughing.
“It’s not funny, Lucas.”
“Oh, it is, Ella. It is.” He reached for his coat, picked up his glasses. “Come on. Put on your coat.”
“Where are we going?”
“Where do you think? To visit Dr. and Mrs. Samson, of course.”
From: Charlie Baum
To: Walter Baum
Subject: re: Jess
Dad, am writing from Logan Airport. Got the last seat on a flight leaving Boston this morning. Will be in London by late afternoon UK time. Will go straight to Jess’s hotel. I’ll ring you from there. She’ll be fine. Don’t worry.
From: Charlie Baum
To: Lucy Baum
Subject: re: Thank you
On board, about to switch phone off. I’ll call from London as soon as I can, hopefully with good news. Thank you. For everything. Please thank your boss from me for giving you the time off as well. I’ll be back as soon as I can.
Please kiss the kids good night from me. And good morning too.
I love you, Lucy.
C xx
W
e hailed a taxi on Bayswater Road. “This is a bad idea, Lucas.”
“It’s an excellent idea.”
“They’ll kill us.”
“They can’t kill us, Ella. It’s illegal. Who are you so frightened of? Henrietta or her husband?”
“Both of them.”
“There’s no need. I’ve known Henrietta since she was eighteen years old, remember. We met on our first day at university. I’ve known Claude since he was twenty. He was an old bore at that age and he still is. Don’t tell me—the editing project he mentioned was about his family?”
“Yes, his father and—”
“His grandfather, who revolutionized medical science in Britain, blah blah blah? He’s been going on about that for as long as I’ve known him. I could write that book myself, I’ve heard the stories so often. Many a good dinner party has been ruined by his ancestors.”
“You socialize with him?”
“Of course. He’s one of my oldest friends. A bore, as I said, but good company if you can keep him off the subject of his family. And cricket. He’s very widely read. That’s one of the reasons he and Henrietta have managed to stay together for so long.”
“Because they like discussing books?”
“No, they both like to read. Which means they don’t have to talk to each other.”
“Lucas, I am very confused.”
“Let me explain, Ella. Henrietta is wonderful in many ways, but she has an unfortunate weakness for the finer things in life. Good food, expensive wine, luxury holidays. That’s one of the reasons she never wanted to leave Claude for me. I couldn’t offer the same things.”
She’d said as much to me, I remembered.
“She stayed with me one weekend when he was away, at some tedious family history conference probably, thousands of people droning on about Great-uncle Sylvester or some such thing. I can’t imagine anything worse. Anyway, Henrietta came to stay. Ella, I thought you were obsessive about cleaning. She was worse. I’d had visions of a weekend in bed together—”
“Lucas—”
“Ella, are you embarrassed? You really are sweet. I was alive and kicking in the swinging sixties, remember.” He dropped his voice to a whisper. “I’ve even taken drugs.”
“I don’t want to hear.” I was only half joking.
He smiled. “I didn’t inhale, of course. Or did I? I can’t remember. I was probably drunk at the time. The fact is, Henrietta refused to sleep with me that weekend. She said the bed was too small and the attic made her claustrophobic. We moved downstairs to another bedroom. She said there were spiderwebs. I got rid of the spiderwebs. She said the sheets weren’t clean enough. I changed them. It was like having Mrs. Beeton to stay. We did nothing but discuss household maintenance. Eventually we booked into a hotel. She only agreed to stay with me again if I promised to make the bed with her sheets.” He laughed again. “She’d always arrive with new ones, fresh from the shop. It must have cost her a fortune over the years.” He leaned forward. “Ah, here we are.”
I tensed.
“Don’t be frightened, Ella. They’re just people. Old people, at that.”
We got out. I stood back as he pressed the intercom. A male voice answered. “Get lost.”
“Let us in, Claude. You’ve already frightened one Fox away today. It won’t work with two.”
“You’ve done enough damage—”
“I’ll do more if you don’t let me in.”
The buzz sounded. The gate opened. Lucas started to walk up the steps.
I took his sleeve. “They’ve just painted the front door. We have to go around the side.”
“The servants’ entrance? How apt.” He let himself in and called out. “Henrietta? Claude? Are you lying in a bloodied mess somewhere or having an early G and T?”
“I told you on the phone I never wanted to see you again, Lucas.”
I spun around. It was Henrietta’s voice. I couldn’t tell where it was coming from.
“So you did,” Lucas called back. “I must have forgotten. In the conservatory, then?”
I hadn’t noticed the door when I’d been there earlier. Lucas opened it. It was a large conservatory, old-style, filled with plants. At the end was a glass table with four chairs. Henrietta and Claude were sitting there, both with drinks in their hands. It wasn’t noon yet.
“Now, who will apologize to Ella first?” Lucas said. “Henrietta? Claude? Or shall we go in alphabetical order?”
“Fuck off, Fox,” Dr. Samson said. His tone was mild.
I couldn’t believe it. Where was the shouting? The anger? The talk of divorce?
“We’d both love a drink; thanks so much for asking,” Lucas said. “But actually we’ve dropped by to collect something Ella left behind this morning, when the two of you rudely chased her out.”
Henrietta rolled her eyes. “We didn’t chase her out. Frankly, Lucas, she ran.”
“Your word against hers. We’ll have to review the security footage. So, her notebook? Have you seen it?”
“It’s upstairs still, I imagine,” Henrietta said. “Wherever she left it.”
I spoke for the first time. “May I—”
“Of course, Ella.” It was Lucas who gave me permission. “Can you find your way? I’ll wait here.”
I ran upstairs. The notebook was there, on the table. It was still open at the same page. I picked it up and quickly checked inside. Aidan’s letter was there. I stood in the middle of the room, counted to twenty and then went back downstairs again.
Lucas was sitting down now too. It all looked so social, so friendly. “All fine, Ella?”
I nodded. I had to ask. Him, not them. “Lucas, is everything okay? I haven’t ruined everything?”
Dr. Samson answered me. “Everything’s fine, Ella. I must apologize. Lucas tells me you were very upset about this morning. Don’t be. Henrietta and I are constantly divorcing. She takes a notion, rings her solicitor, he reminds her that she won’t get a bean if she leaves me, so she stays. Isn’t that right, darling?”
Darling?
Henrietta nodded. Sulkily, like a child.
Dr. Samson smiled at her. “Why do we put up with her, Lucas?”
“God only knows,” Lucas said. “You found your notebook, Ella? Ready for home?”
“Yes, please,” I said.
We were at the door when Dr. Samson called my name. I turned around.
“I would still like to see samples of your editorial work, Ella. And your references. If you’re still interested, of course.”
“For God’s sake, Claude,” Lucas said. “Ella’s my niece, remember. You think I’d let her work for you? That project of yours is so dull it would take years off her life. Find some other poor sap to do it. Lovely to see you both. Good-bye, now.”
We were barely out of earshot before he spoke.
“You didn’t mind me turning down that job on your behalf, Ella, did you? Trust me, he would have driven you demented.”
I didn’t mind at all, I told him. I’d already decided I wanted as little as possible to do with Henrietta or her husband.
It wasn’t until we were walking down their street that I started asking more questions. Lucas was very relaxed and very forthcoming. Yes, Dr. Samson had always known about their affair. Yes, since the beginning. Yes, he had had affairs of his own too. No, it wasn’t a conventional situation, but it worked for the three of them. Yes, Lucas agreed, he’d been flexible about the truth with me over the years, but it was for the tutors’ sake more than anyone’s. Henrietta had felt it was better if they didn’t know the extent of her relationship with Lucas. She only ever stayed the night at Lucas’s house when the tutors were away, for that reason too. He hadn’t deliberately hidden it from me either. He’d simply felt it didn’t matter if I knew the whole story or not. His private life was his private life.
He glanced at me. “So, Ella, are you shocked? Or disappointed?”
“Astonished?” I said.
“That people our age can get up to these shenanigans?”
That was partly it, I said. But mostly, I realized I was relieved. Lucas wouldn’t be moving to France. He wouldn’t be selling the house. As for whether he was leaving it to me or not, I didn’t care. He could leave it to the university, if he wanted. To a dogs’ home. I told him as much.
“Dogs?” he said. “A foxes’ home, surely?”
“To whichever you want. It’s your house. But I don’t want to think about it yet. You’re not going anywhere for a long while.”
“I’m sixty-three, Ella. I will be going somewhere, someday. And the house will be yours, whether you like it or not. I couldn’t hand it over to any dogs or foxes. Imagine the mess they might make. How could I bear that?” He glanced across at me. “Do you know, that’s the first time I’ve seen you smile today? You haven’t done nearly enough smiling since you got here.”
The noise of the traffic on Kensington High Street made it difficult to talk. We kept walking, finally reaching Kensington Gardens. I expected him to take the path that would lead across to his house. Instead, he turned right.
We were silent at first. The trees around us were bare, not even the smallest of buds evident. Far off in the distance I could hear the sound of a saw or a lawn mower. Ahead, there were dogs barking. Behind us, traffic. We walked until we reached the Serpentine, the stretch of water that marked the border between Kensington Gardens and Hyde Park. Only a few other people were around. The wind was cold. I turned up the collar on my coat and pushed my hands deep into my pockets. The breeze was whipping the surface of the water. I watched a ripple make its way right across, a duck bobbing up and down in its wake.
Lucas broke the silence. “Tell me about
your
married life, Ella. Was it as complicated as Henrietta and Claude’s? I hope not. Because I always thought the two of you had something special. You and Aidan were great friends, as well as everything else. You used to laugh so much when you were with him. Do you remember?”
“Lucas—”
“You changed him too. In so many ways, all for the better. You gave him confidence in himself. I could see that you understood him, got his humor, got his intelligence. You were a great match for each other.”
I hadn’t realized Lucas had noticed so much about the two of us. But I couldn’t talk about it. Not when I had Aidan’s letter in my bag. Lucas wasn’t waiting for an answer. He kept talking.
“So tell me, Ella, what did you expect would happen when you married Aidan? That you would both live happily ever after? That the two of you would somehow escape all the trials and tribulations of life now that you’d found each other? That you would right all the wrongs that had happened to you both in your own childhoods?”
I couldn’t stop the question. “How did you know?”
“I could see it. It made sense, from what I knew about the two of you, your own families. But no one is bulletproof, Ella. There’s no equality rule for heartbreak or pain. All you can do is decide how to cope with what life throws at you. Some people get through it together. Others don’t.”
I felt like he was criticizing me. I had to make him understand. “Lucas, our baby died. Felix died. We didn’t separate over who did the dishes or who left their towels on the floor.”
“I know that, Ella.”
“I thought you of all people would be on my side. But you’re not, are you? Not anymore.”
“I’ve always been on your side.”
“But you’re not anymore. Since I got here, you’ve kept asking me, Why wouldn’t I talk to Aidan? Why wouldn’t I read his letters? Why couldn’t I see him?”
“And you still haven’t answered me.”
“Because I
couldn’t
.” I was almost shouting now.
“Why not?”
“Because it would hurt too much.” The truth was roaring in at me. “I had to leave him, Lucas. I had to go. We couldn’t be in the same room. We couldn’t even look at each other.”
The words poured out as I tried to explain to Lucas how I had felt, all that had happened in the first weeks after Felix died. How once I’d left Aidan, once I had grown used to being on my own, with only my own pain to feel, I’d known I could never see him again. Because if I did, if I even heard his voice, I knew I would be right back at the start, right back to how I felt the day Felix died. I had spent every day of the past twenty months trying to build a wall between me and that pain. Every day I’d discovered how transparent and flimsy the wall was. Even a photo of Felix could smash a hole through it, pull me back through time, make the grief as raw as if it had just happened. What would talking to Aidan again, seeing Aidan again, do to me?
“I can’t risk it, Lucas. I can’t feel that bad again. It would kill me second time around.”
“It’s already killing you. It’s killing Aidan. You need to help each other.”
I shook my head.
“So that’s it? That’s your vows put to one side? For better or for worse? Too hard, was it?”
“You can’t talk to me about vows. Look at you and Henrietta and her husband. What kind of mockery of marriage is that?”
“It’s our arrangement, Ella. Our choice. It suits the three of us. There’s no comparison with you and Aidan. He had no choice in it at all. You abandoned him when he needed you the most. As you abandoned Jess, and your mother and Walter.”
“I’m not listening to this anymore. You can’t say these things to me.”
“Then who will, if I don’t? Charlie’s tried everything he could. But he has to step on eggshells with you too, in case you freeze him out of your life. Everyone does. Did you know your mother has rung me twice a week since you got here to ask me how you are?”
“I don’t believe you.”
“She has. Because she doesn’t dare ring you herself in case she happens to say something that turns you away from her. All she wants to do is talk to you. All she especially wants to do is talk to you about Felix. She wants to share memories of her grandson with you, his mother, but you won’t let her do that either.”
“That’s not true. She—” I stopped. I remembered something she’d said the day before.
I wasn’t sure if it was my place to have a mass said for him.
Lucas kept talking. “Felix was your son, Ella, but we all loved him too. You’re not the only one who’s hurting. You’re not the only one who misses him. Do you know you’ve never once asked me how I am? How I felt to lose my beautiful grandnephew?”
I tried to think back. I must have asked him. I must have.