The House of Mirth (13 page)

“No, I have nothing to give you instead,” he said, sitting up and turning so that he faced her. “If I had, it should be yours, you know.”

She received this abrupt declaration in a way even stranger than the manner of its making: she dropped her face on her hands and he saw that for a moment she wept.

It was for a moment only, however; for when he leaned nearer and drew down her hands with a gesture less passionate than grave, she turned on him a face softened but not disfigured by emotion, and he said to himself, somewhat cruelly, that even her weeping was an art.

The reflection steadied his voice as he asked, between pity and irony: “Isn't it natural that I should try to belittle all the things I can't offer you?”

Her face brightened at this, but she drew her hand away, not with a gesture of coquetry but as though renouncing something to which she had no claim.

“But you belittle
me,
don't you,” she returned gently, “in being so sure they are the only things I care for?”

Selden felt an inner start; but it was only the last quiver of his egoism. Almost at once he answered quite simply: “But you do care for them, don't you? And no wishing of mine can alter that.”

He had so completely ceased to consider how far this might carry him that he had a distinct sense of disappointment when she turned on him a face sparkling with derision.

“Ah,” she cried, “for all your fine phrases you're really as great a coward as I am, for you wouldn't have made one of them if you hadn't been so sure of my answer.”

The shock of this retort had the effect of crystallizing Selden's wavering intentions.

“I am not so sure of your answer,” he said quietly.

“And I do you the justice to believe that you are not either.”

It was her turn to look at him with surprise; and after a moment: “Do you want to marry me?” she asked.

He broke into a laugh. “No, I don't want to—but perhaps I should if you did!”

“That's what I told you—you're so sure of me that you can amuse yourself with experiments.” She drew back the hand he had regained and sat looking down on him sadly.

“I am not making experiments,” he returned. “Or if I am, it is not on you but on myself. I don't know what effect they are going to have on me, but if marrying you is one of them, I will take the risk.”

She smiled faintly. “It would be a great risk, certainly; I have never concealed from you how great.”

“Ah, it's you who are the coward!” he exclaimed.

She had risen, and he stood facing her with his eyes on hers. The soft isolation of the falling day enveloped them; they seemed lifted into a finer air. All the exquisite influences of the hour trembled in their veins and drew them to each other as the loosened leaves were drawn to the earth.

“It's you who are the coward,” he repeated, catching her hands in his.

She leaned on him for a moment as if with a drop of tired wings; he felt as though her heart were beating rather with the stress of a long flight than the thrill of new distances. Then drawing back with a little smile of warning: “I shall look hideous in dowdy clothes, but I can trim my own hats,” she declared.

They stood silent for a while after this, smiling at each other like adventurous children who have climbed to a forbidden height from which they discover a new world. The actual world at their feet was veiling itself in dimness, and across the valley a clear moon rose in the denser blue.

Suddenly they heard a remote sound, like the hum of a giant insect, and following the high-road, which wound whiter through the surrounding twilight, a black object rushed across their vision.

Lily started from her attitude of absorption; her smile faded and she began to move toward the lane.

“I had no idea it was so late! We shall not be back till after dark,” she said, almost impatiently.

Selden was looking at her with surprise; it took him a moment to regain his usual view of her; then he said with an uncontrollable note of dryness: “That was not one of our party; the motor was going the other way.”

“I know—I know—” She paused, and he saw her redden through the twilight. “But I told them I was not well, that I should not go out. Let us go down!” she murmured.

Selden continued to look at her; then he drew his cigarette-case from his pocket and slowly lit a cigarette. It seemed to him necessary at that moment to proclaim, by some habitual gesture of this sort, his recovered hold on the actual: he had an almost puerile wish to let his companion see that, their flight over, he had landed on his feet.

She waited while the spark flickered under his curved palm; then he held out the cigarettes to her.

She took one with an unsteady hand, and putting it to her lips, leaned forward to draw her light from his. In the indistinctness the little red gleam lit up the lower part of her face, and he saw her mouth tremble into a smile.

“Were you serious?” she asked with an odd thrill of gaiety which she might have caught up, in haste, from a heap of stock inflexions, without having time to select the just note.

Selden's voice was under better control. “Why not?” he returned. “You see, I took no risks in being so.” And as she continued to stand before him, a little pale under the retort, he added quickly: “Let us go down.”

I
t spoke much for the depth of Mrs. Trenor's friendship that her voice, in admonishing Miss Bart, took the same note of personal despair as if she had been lamenting the collapse of a house-party.

“All I can say is, Lily, that I can't make you out!” She leaned back, sighing, in the morning abandon of lace and muslin, turning an indifferent shoulder to the heaped-up importunities of her desk, while she considered, with the eye of a physician who has given up the case, the erect exterior of the patient confronting her.

“If you hadn't told me you were going in for him seriously—but I'm sure you made that plain enough from the beginning! Why else did you ask me to let you off bridge and to keep away Carry and Kate Corby? I don't suppose you did it because he amused you; we could none of us imagine your putting up with him for a moment unless you meant to marry him. And I'm sure everybody played fair! They all wanted to help it along. Even Bertha kept her hands off—I will say that—till Lawrence came down and you dragged him away from her. After that she had a right to retaliate—why on earth did you interfere with her? You've known Lawrence Selden for years—why did you behave as if you had just discovered him? If you had a grudge against Bertha it was a stupid time to show it—you could have paid her back just as well after you were married! I told you Bertha was dangerous. She was in an odious mood when she came here, but Lawrence's turning up put her in a good humour, and if you'd only let her think he came for
her
it would have never occurred to her to play you this trick. Oh, Lily, you'll never do anything if you're not serious!”

Miss Bart accepted this exhortation in a spirit of the purest impartiality. Why should she have been angry? It was the voice of her own conscience which spoke to her through Mrs. Trenor's reproachful accents. But even to her own conscience she must trump up a semblance of defence.

“I only took a day off—I thought he meant to stay on all this week, and I knew Mr. Selden was leaving this morning.”

Mrs. Trenor brushed aside the plea with a gesture which laid bare its weakness.

“He did mean to stay—that's the worst of it. It shows that he's run away from you, that Bertha's done her work and poisoned him thoroughly.”

Lily gave a slight laugh. “Oh, if he's running I'll overtake him!”

Her friend threw out an arresting hand. “Whatever you do, Lily, do nothing!”

Miss Bart received the warning with a smile. “I don't mean, literally, to take the next train. There are ways—” But she did not go on to specify them.

Mrs. Trenor sharply corrected the tense. “There
were
ways—plenty of them! I didn't suppose you needed to have them pointed out. But don't deceive yourself—he's thoroughly frightened. He has run straight home to his mother, and she'll protect him!”

“Oh, to the death,” Lily agreed, dimpling at the vision.

“How you can
laugh
—” her friend rebuked her; and she dropped back to a soberer perception of things with the question: “What was it Bertha really told him?”

“Don't ask me—horrors! She seemed to have raked up everything. Oh, you know what I mean—of course there isn't anything,
really
; but I suppose she brought in Prince Varigliano—and Lord Hubert—and there was some story of your having borrowed money of old Ned Van Alstyne: did you ever?”

“He is my father's cousin,” Miss Bart interposed.

“Well, of course she left
that
out. It seems Ned told Carry Fisher; and she told Bertha, naturally. They're all alike, you know: they hold their tongues for years, and you think you're safe, but when their opportunity comes they remember everything.”

Lily had grown pale; her voice had a harsh note in it. “It was some money I lost at bridge at the Van Osburghs'. I repaid it, of course.”

“Ah, well, they wouldn't remember that; besides, it was the idea of the gambling debt that frightened Percy. Oh, Bertha knew her man—she knew just what to tell him!”

In this strain Mrs. Trenor continued for nearly an hour to admonish her friend. Miss Bart listened with admirable equanimity. Her naturally good temper had been disciplined by years of enforced compliance, since she had almost always had to attain her ends by the circuitous path of other people's; and being naturally inclined to face unpleasant facts as soon as they presented themselves, she was not sorry to hear an impartial statement of what her folly was likely to cost, the more so as her own thoughts were still insisting on the other side of the case. Presented in the light of Mrs. Trenor's vigorous comments, the reckoning was certainly a formidable one, and Lily, as she listened, found herself gradually reverting to her friend's view of the situation. Mrs. Trenor's words were moreover emphasized for her hearer by anxieties which she herself could scarcely guess. Affluence, unless stimulated by a keen imagination, forms but the vaguest notion of the practical strain of poverty. Judy knew it must be “horrid” for poor Lily to have to stop to consider whether she could afford real lace on her petticoats, and not to have a motor car and a steam-yacht at her orders; but the daily friction of unpaid bills, the daily nibble of small temptations to expenditure, were trials as far out of her experience as the domestic problems of the charwoman. Mrs. Trenor's unconsciousness of the real stress of the situation had the effect of making it more galling to Lily. While her friend reproached her for missing the opportunity to eclipse her rivals, she was once more battling in imagination with the mounting tide of indebtedness from which she had so nearly escaped. What wind of folly had driven her out again on those dark seas?

If anything was needed to put the last touch to her self-abasement, it was the sense of the way her old life was opening its ruts again to receive her. Yesterday her fancy had fluttered free pinions above a choice of occupations; now she had to drop to the level of the familiar routine, in which moments of seeming brilliancy and freedom alternated with long hours of subjection.

She laid a deprecating hand on her friend's. “Dear Judy! I'm sorry to have been such a bore, and you are very good to me. But you must have some letters for me to answer—let me at least be useful.”

She settled herself at the desk, and Mrs. Trenor accepted her resumption of the morning's task with a sigh which implied that, after all, she had proved herself unfit for higher uses.

The luncheon-table showed a depleted circle. All the men but Jack Stepney and Dorset had returned to town (it seemed to Lily a last touch of irony that Selden and Percy Gryce should have gone in the same train), and Lady Cressida and the attendant Wetheralls had been despatched by motor to lunch at a distant country-house. At such moments of diminished interest it was usual for Mrs. Dorset to keep her room till the afternoon; but on this occasion she drifted in when luncheon was half over, hollow-eyed and drooping, but with an edge of malice under her indifference.

She raised her eyebrows as she looked about the table. “How few of us are left! I do so enjoy the quiet—don't you, Lily? I wish the men would always stop away; it's really much nicer without them. Oh, you don't count, George; one doesn't have to talk to one's husband. But I thought Mr. Gryce was to stay for the rest of the week?” she added inquiringly. “Didn't he intend to, Judy? He's such a nice boy—I wonder what drove him away? He is rather shy, and I'm afraid we may have shocked him; he has been brought up in such an old-fashioned way. Do you know, Lily, he told me he had never seen a girl play cards for money till he saw you doing it the other night? And he lives on the interest of his income, and always has a lot left over to invest!”

Mrs. Fisher leaned forward eagerly. “I do believe it is some one's duty to educate that young man. It is shocking that he has never been made to realize his duties as a citizen. Every wealthy man should be compelled to study the laws of his country.”

Mrs. Dorset glanced at her quietly. “I think he
has
studied the divorce laws. He told me he had promised the bishop to sign some kind of a petition against divorce.”

Mrs. Fisher reddened under her powder, and Stepney said with a laughing glance at Miss Bart: “I suppose he is thinking of marriage and wants to tinker up the old ship before he goes aboard.”

His betrothed looked shocked at the metaphor, and George Dorset exclaimed with a sardonic growl: “Poor devil! It isn't the ship that will do for him, it's the crew.”