Read The Hunger Pains Online

Authors: Harvard Lampoon

The Hunger Pains (14 page)

“Huh?” I ask. “You don’t want to talk about the rebellion?”

Jaesar pulls on his collar, gesturing for me to shut up. “Let’s just focus on you and Archie.” He laughs nervously.

But I know the truth, and I think,
Jaesar, how naïve you are. Rebellion is all we’ll be talking about. Love is revolution, a kind of coup d’état and cultural reprogramming in its own little way.

“I realized Archie was my soul mate the moment he gave me that wooden plank,” I say, taking it out of my purse to show the audience. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

“True romance,” Jaesar says. “And you, Archie?”

“Ditto,” Archie says, texting on his cell phone. He doesn’t seem in love with me, but I guess everyone has a different way of expressing feelings.

“Brilliant. And about that little berry incident …,” Jaesar says gingerly.

This is it. This is when I sink or swim. I speak slowly. “I wanted to know what those berries tasted like.”

Archie nods his head in agreement. “We all did.”

“Great!” Jaesar says. I look over at President Bernette in the audience, who gives me a big thumbs-up. I breathe a sigh of relief. I have overcome the obstacle of the final interview. I endure a few minutes of horrible pirate jokes before Jaesar signs off to the viewers across Peaceland and I go backstage with Archie.
Finally, some time alone with Mr. Perfect
.

“I don’t love you, Kantkiss,” he says, when I try to kiss him.

“Because you can’t love me?” I ask. “Because you’re afraid that if you love me too much, it might hurt you? Because it hurts to be in love, which is what you actually are?”

“Nah.”

With that, he walks away. I wonder if I’ll ever see him again. Perhaps in the sequel to this book,
The Adventures of Kantkiss and Archie
, but one can never be sure.

Back in my room, I consider what Archie told me backstage. His words didn’t suggest that he loved me, but he must love me. “I have a really good feeling about this relationship,” I tell Run the puppy.

As I pack my bow and squirrel bodies into my suitcase, I consider how far I’ve come since Super Fun Day. Back then I hadn’t even kissed a boy, let alone killed one! I made so many friends during the Hunger Games, friends that remembered me until the day they died.
The Hunger Games were the best days of my life.

“Hurry up, mon,” Effu calls from the hallway. “Ya train is here.”

I wonder what the future will hold. Maybe I will stay in District 12 and refuse to help the rebellion because I am so obsessed with boys. Maybe I will move to Canada or some other normal democracy. Either way, I’m rich.
Yay!
There is only one thing making me sad: the Boy with the Head. I miss Pita.

I hear my door creak open. “I’m coming, Effu,” I say. “Chill out.”

But Effu isn’t standing in the door. At first I think nobody is there, but then I hear the sound.
Woof! Woof!
Standing on the floor is a very chubby puppy wearing a bagel around his neck. He sheepishly totters over to me and whines impatiently until I put Run the puppy in my purse and give him affection instead. As I scratch the puppy’s head, I notice it is completely round and smells like cinnamon.

“Pita!” I hug him. “Let’s get back to District Twelve.”

Board of Editors

C
harles
A. S
ull
, ’12, President

J
onathan
D. A
dler
, ’12, Ibis

J
onathan
P. F
inn
-G
amiño
, ’12, Narthex

A
llison
L. A
verill
, ’12, Treasurer

 

K. P. B
artley
, ’10–’12

K. A. E
scobedo
, ’12–’13

B. W. K. S
mith
, ’12

I. V. P
ierre
, ’12

C. K. G
oodwin
, ’12

N. J. M
adoff
, ’12

J. O. M
asterman
, ’12

T. B. F
aux
, ’13

R. E. R
ober
, ’13

F. K. O’H
anlon
, ’12

K. C. V. D
amm
, ’13

C. D. F
rugé
, ’13

S. L. S
ansovich
, ’13

E. R. B
rewster
, ’14

S. H. R
ashba
, ’14

E. W.
von
S
tackelberg
, ’14

 

A
ndrew
R. D
ubbin
, ’12, Sackbut

K
evin
M. N
eylan
, ’12, Sackbut

Z
achariah
P. H
ughes
, ’12, Hautbois

W
illiam
D. G
oulston
, ’13, Hautbois

D
amilare
K. S
onoiki
, ’13, Sanctnave

R
obert
A. K
noll
, ’13, Sanctum

O
wen
T. L. B
ates
, ’13, Librarian

K
athryn
C. R
yan
, ’13, Blot

 

Business Board

V
ictoria
R. B
lack
, ’14, Business Manager

A
ndrew
P. F. K
arn
, ’13, Advertising Manager

R
ichard
K. F
egelman
, ’13, Circulation Manager

 

E. M. S
obel
, ’12

J. M. H
arel
-C
ohen
, ’13

L. A. S
assoon
, ’13

J. P. F
itzpatrick
, ’12

 

E
lmer
W. G
reen
, 1897–1977, Grand Curator

ABOUT THE
AUTHOR

The first volume of the
Harvard Lampoon
appeared in February 1876. Written by seven undergraduates and modeled on
Punch,
the British humor magazine, the debut issue took the Harvard campus by storm. United States president Ulysses S. Grant was advised not to read the magazine, as he would be too much “in stitches” to run the government.

The
Harvard Lampoon
is also the proud author of the classic parodies
Bored of the Rings
and
Nightlight.
Contrary to popular belief, the
Lampoon
is not responsible for any of Stieg Larsson’s work.

OTHER BOOKS BY THE HARVARD LAMPOON

Nightlight

Bored of the Rings

HarperCollinsPublishers

First published in the United States in 2012 by Touchstone,
a division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
First published in Australia in 2012
This edition published in 2011
by HarperCollins
Publishers
Australia Pty Limited
ABN 36 009 913 517
harpercollins.com.au

Copyright © Harvard Lampoon, Inc., 2012
All rights reserved

This work is copyright. Apart from any use as permitted under the
Copyright Act 1968
, no part may be reproduced, copied, scanned, stored in a retrieval system, recorded, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

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ISBN: 978 0 7322 9543 1
ISBN: 978-1-74309-627-7 (epub)

Original cover design from
Harvard Lampoon
Internal design by Joy O’Meara

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