The Importance of Being Earnest (39 page)

M
ISS
P
RISM
. Lady Bracknell, I admit with shame that I do not know. I only wish I did. The plain facts of the case are these. on the morning of the day you mention, a day that is for ever branded on my memory, I prepared as usual to take the baby out in its perambulator. I had also with me a somewhat old, but capacious hand-bag in which I had intended to place the manuscript of a work of fiction that I had written during my few unoccupied hours. In a moment of mental abstraction, for which I never can forgive myself, I deposited the manuscript in the bassinette, and placed the baby in the hand-bag.

J
ACK
.
(Who has been listening attentively.)
But where did you deposit the hand-bag?

M
ISS
P
RISM
. Do not ask me, Mr. Worthing.

J
ACK
. Miss Prism, this is a matter of no small importance to me. I insist on knowing where you deposited the hand-bag that contained that infant.

M
ISS
P
RISM
. I left it in the cloak room of one of the larger railway stations in London.

J
ACK
. What railway station?

M
ISS
P
RISM
.
(Quite crushed.)
Victoria. The Brighton line.
(Sinks into a chair.)

J
ACK
. I must retire to my room for a moment. Gwendolen, wait here for me.

G
WENDOLEN
. If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.

(Exit Jack in great excitement.)

C
HASUBLE
. What do you think this means, Lady Bracknell?

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
. I dare not even suspect, Dr. Chasuble. I need hardly tell you that in families of high position strange coincidences are not supposed to occur. They are hardly considered the thing.

(Noises heard overhead as if someone was throwing trunks about. Everyone looks up.)

C
ECILY
. Uncle Jack seems strangely agitated.

C
HASUBLE
. Your guardian has a very emotional nature.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
. This noise is extremely unpleasant. It sounds as if he was having an argument. I dislike arguments of any kind. They are always vulgar, and often convincing.

C
HASUBLE
.
(Looking up.)
It has stopped now.
(The noise is redoubled.)

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
. I wish he would arrive at some conclusion.

G
WENDOLEN
. This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

(Enter Jack with a hand-bag of black leather in his hand.)

J
ACK
.
(Rushing over to Miss Prism.)
Is this the hand-bag, Miss Prism? Examine it carefully before you speak. The happiness of more than one life depends on your answer.

M
ISS
P
RISM
.
(Calmly.)
It seems to be mine. Yes, here is the injury it received through the upsetting of a Gower street omnibus in younger and happier days. Here is the stain on the lining caused by the explosion of a temperance beverage, an incident that occurred at Leamington. And here, on the lock, are my initials. I had forgotten that in an extravagant mood I had had them placed there. The bag is undoubtedly mine. I am delighted to have it so unexpectedly restored to me. It has been a great inconvenience being without it all these years.

J
ACK
.
(In a pathetic voice.)
Miss Prism, more is restored to you than this hand-bag. I was the baby you placed in it.

M
ISS
P
RISM
.
(Amazed.)
You?

J
ACK
.
(Embracing her.)
Yes … mother!

M
ISS
P
RISM
.
(Recoiling in indignant astonishment.)
Mr. Worthing! I am unmarried!

J
ACK
. Unmarried! I do not deny that is a serious blow. But after all, who has the right to cast a stone against one who has suffered?
Cannot repentance wipe out an act of folly? Why should there be one law for men, and another for women? Mother, I forgive you.
(Tries to embrace her again.)

M
ISS
P
RISM
.
(Still more indignant.)
Mr. Worthing, there is some error.
(Pointing to Lady Bracknell.)
There is the lady who can tell you who you really are.

J
ACK
.
(After a pause.)
Lady Bracknell, I hate to seem inquisitive, but would you kindly inform me who I am?

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
. I am afraid that the news I have to give you will not altogether please you. You are the son of my poor sister, Mrs. Moncrieff, and consequently Algernon’s elder brother.

J
ACK
. Algy’s elder brother! Then I have a brother after all. I knew I had a brother! I always said I had a brother! Cecily,—how could you have ever doubted that I had a brother.
(Seizes hold of Algernon.)
Dr. Chasuble, my unfortunate brother. Miss Prism, my unfortunate brother. Gwendolen, my unfortunate brother. Algy, you young scoundrel, you will have to treat me with more respect in the future. You have never behaved to me like a brother in all your life.

A
LGERNON
. Well, not till to-day, old boy, I admit. I did my best, however, though I was out of practice.
(Shakes hands.)

G
WENDOLEN
.
(To Jack.)
My own! But what own are you? What is your Christian name, now that you have become someone else?

J
ACK
. Good heavens!… I had quite forgotten that point. Your decision on the subject of my name is irrevocable, I suppose?

G
WENDOLEN
. I never change, except in my affections.

C
ECILY
. What a noble nature you have, Gwendolen!

J
ACK
. Then the question had better be cleared up at once. Aunt Augusta, a moment. At the time when Miss Prism left me in the hand-bag, had I been christened already?

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
. Every luxury that money could buy, including christening, had been lavished on you by your fond and doting parents.

J
ACK
. Then I was christened! That is settled. Now, what name was I given? Let me know the worst.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
. Being the eldest son you were naturally christened after your father.

J
ACK
.
(Irritably.)
Yes, but what was my father’s Christian name?

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
.
(Meditatively.)
I cannot at the present moment recall what the General’s Christian name was. But I have no doubt he had one. He was eccentric, I admit. But only in later years. And that was the result of the Indian climate, and marriage, and indigestion, and other things of that kind.

J
ACK
. Algy! Can’t you recollect what our father’s Christian name was?

A
LGERNON
. My dear boy, we were never even on speaking terms. He died before I was a year old.

J
ACK
. His name would appear in the Army Lists of the period, I suppose, Aunt Augusta?

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
. The General was essentially a man of peace, except in his domestic life. But I have no doubt his name would appear in any military directory.

J
ACK
. The Army Lists of the last forty years are here. These delightful records should have been my constant study.
(Rushes to book-case and tears the books out.)
M. Generals … Mallam, Maxbohm, Magley, what ghastly names they have—Markby, Migsby, Mobbs, Moncreiff! Lieutenant 1840, Captain, Lieutenant-Colonel, Colonel, General 1869, Christian names, Ernest John.
(Puts book very quietly down and speaks quite calmly.)
I always told you, Gwendolen, my name was Ernest, didn’t I? Well, it is Ernest after all. I mean it naturally is Ernest.

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
. Yes, I remember now that the General was called Ernest. I knew I had some particular reason for disliking the name.

G
WENDOLEN
. Ernest! My own Ernest! I felt from the first that you could have no other name!

J
ACK
. Gwendolen, it is a terrible thing for a man to find out suddenly that all his life he has been speaking nothing but the truth. Can you forgive me?

G
WENDOLEN
. I can. For I feel that you are sure to change.

J
ACK
. My own one!

C
HASUBLE
.
(To Miss Prism.)
Lætitia!
(Embraces her.)

M
ISS
P
RISM
.
(Enthusiastically.)
Frederick! At last!

A
LGERNON
. Cecily!
(Embraces her.)
At last!

J
ACK
. Gwendolen!
(Embraces her.)
At last!

L
ADY
B
RACKNELL
. My nephew, you seem to be displaying signs of triviality.

J
ACK
. On the contrary, Aunt Augusta, I’ve now realized for the first time in my life the vital Importance of Being Earnest.

TABLEAU

CURTAIN

LL
. 1-2.
Carlton House Terrace:
a prestigious London address, like most addresses mentioned in Wilde’s society comedies. This one lies in the St. James’s district of London, an area associated with politics and elite men’s clubs.
L
. 22.
Selby:
the Windermeres’ country home.

L
.2.
“I’m of age to-day”:
Lady Windermere is turning twenty-one.

L
. 29.
Puritan:
Lady Windermere’s usage, in keeping with ours today, styles her as moralistic and as averse to worldly pleasures. The term originally indicated a fundamentalist Protestant offshoot from the established Church of England.

L
. 11.
trick:
a reference to the card game of bridge, then in fashion.

L
. 26.
Mayfair:
a highly fashionable London district;
ponies in the Park:
Wealthy individuals from elite society rode their horses in London’s Hyde Park.

L
. 33.
Homburg… Aix:
continental resort towns.

L
. 25.
a character:
a general letter of introduction and recommendation.

L
. 26. Exeunt: plural of
exit
.

L
. 5.
£600:
a very substantial amount of money. In 1892, when
Lady W
INDERMERE
’s Fan
premiered, £600 was roughly equivalent to £37,000 today (or approximately $60,000). That figure is according to an Internet-based calculator hosted by Economic History services:
<
http://eh.net/hmit/ppowerbp/pound_question.php
>. Note, however, that money values at different times are only roughly comparable, owing to technological developments which bring about changes in “normal” standards of living, and in the relative costs of various categories of goods and services.

L
. 9.
your card:
a card listing planned dances, according to which an eligible young woman could list the man who would partner her at each dance.

L
. 13.
younger sons:
not the most desirable dance partners, because only first sons stood to inherit family wealth.

L
. 35.
thinks like a Tory and talks like a Radical:
Tories are broadly conservative, associated with traditionalism, nobility, and landed wealth, while Radicals are associated with reform, democratization, and change.

LL
. 19-20. an edition de luxe
of a wicked French novel:
While British Victorian novelists were constrained in the subject matter that they could represent, French novelists such as Flaubert and Zola routinely ventured into much racier terrain, such as adultery and prostitution.

L
. 18.
Grosvenor Square:
an elegant address, so much so that the Duchess’s characterization of its denizens as “vulgar” actually underscores her extreme haughtiness.

LL
. 3-4.
syphons:
small-gauge hoses used to decant fine wines without carrying sediment from the original bottle;
Tantalus frame:
a stand on which wine or brandy decanters can be seen plainly but cannot be withdrawn until a locked bar that connects to the stoppers is released, thus “tantalizing” onlookers;
cigar and cigarette box:
like the foregoing items, a standard accessory in a bachelor gentleman’s apartment.

L
. 13.
Wiesbaden:
an elegant spa and casino town in Germany.

LL
. 20-22:
threw their caps over the mills
…
raise the wind:
Dumby mixes two colloquial expressions. “Throwing one’s cap over a mill” indicates hardworking ambition and sometimes a touch of recklessness, while “raising the wind” means procuring money.

L
. 28.
Nonconformist:
here, refers to a moralistic refusal of established social norms. More specifically, Nonconformists were Protestants who refused to observe certain ritual practices within the Church of
England and thereby became ineligible for various privileges and governmental careers.