The Institute (28 page)

I spend my
morning classes berating myself for being a hypocrite. Aren’t I
doing the exact same thing as Shilah but just complaining about it?
I don’t really see how that is any better. By the time lunchtime
comes around I’m so angry and down on myself, that the last thing I
want to do is practice my ability.

“Okay, ready?”
Chad asks as he grabs my fists with his hands. “Focus on me.” I
feel flat; I have no energy and it’s hard to focus. The blue force
field appears around our hands and Chad leans into them, trying to
push me backwards. “Good, now try and hold the force field there.
Stop me from coming at you.” I focus harder on my hands and try to
push him back, he moves a little but not as much as I’d like. I
don’t have the determination to care enough today. He starts moving
forward again, “Come on Allira, think bigger. You’re better than
this.” His encouragement, while appreciated, is not really
helping.

I can feel
myself slipping, I’m going to break, I can tell. I try and refocus,
shake it off and use all of the strength inside of me to push him
back, but I’m too distracted now. I can feel that I am about to
lose my tiny bit of focus and when I do, Chad loses his balance and
crashes into me, sending us both onto my bed behind us.

He has fallen
right on top of me and our faces are so close, our noses are nearly
touching. My heart is beating so fast but I don’t know if it’s from
the exertion from trying to fight him or the fact he is in such
close proximity.

“Are you okay?”
he asks.

I swallow,
hard. “I think so.”

Chad brings his
hand up to my hair and brushes a strand away from my face. I’m out
of breath, this feels so intimate, so close and so awkward. All I
can think about is Ebbodine.

I cough, “But
someone is kind of crushing me,” I joke as I push him off me and we
both climb to our feet. What just happened?

We head back
down to the training centre in complete silent awkwardness, and go
our separate ways to class. I can’t even look him in the eye to say
bye.

I spend the
majority of self-defence class thinking about how close Chad and I
came to kissing. At least I think that’s what almost happened. What
the hell was I thinking? I can’t be thinking about Chad like that,
he’s Ebbodine’s. I know she’s not here, and in all likelihood I
will never see her again, but a small part of me is still hoping
she is here somewhere; I want my friend back. If by chance, I was
ever to see her again and I was with Chad, wouldn’t that be like
incest or something? Isn’t that an unwritten rule – don’t mess with
your friend’s ex? I’m so distracted by Chad and Ebbodine that I get
hit in the face by my sparring partner numerous times. In a weird
way, it’s good for me. It brings me out of my stupor and helps me
refocus. I try clearing my mind and start focusing on hitting her
back. I manage to get a few good jabs in when they tell us class is
over. Damn it, I was just getting warmed up.

***

Chad is already
seated in my next class when I get there and I can’t not sit next
to him or he will know something is up. I still feel flushed from
our encounter.
No, be confident.
I walk over and sit next to
him like nothing ever nearly happened and he sits up straighter in
his chair when I sit down.

“Hey,” I
say.

“Learn anything
new?” he asks.

“Oh you know,
only five different ways to hurt you in your happy place,” I
smile.

“Yeah, we won’t
be practicing that on our lunch breaks,” he smiles back. At least
there will be more lunch breaks together.

Class goes
agonisingly slow. I don’t know if it’s because of the tension
between Chad and I now or if Covert Operations is just really
boring, as usual. You would think something called Covert
Operations would be more thrilling and exciting espionage type
tales; it’s not, it’s basically rules and regulations, just one
after the other.

I finally find
solace in the last class of the day. Analysis is really
interesting. Today we’re learning to differentiate between people
with active and passive abilities. Apparently, it’s quite easy to
tell from just observing their actions.

People with
active abilities, like Chad’s force field or Nuka’s energy or my
borrowing ability, all act in a particular way. We are generally
overachievers with short fuses. That doesn’t quite describe me, but
then again, I am new to my abilities and I do have a second,
passive ability. The short fuse does describe Chad though. Active
defectives apparently like being the centre of attention, which
does not describe either Chad or I – although, he was becoming a
teacher, you have to at least not
hate
being the centre of
attention to do that. It does describe Nuka, she seemed to like
being fussed over. Active abilities also bring out the cockiness in
people, they usually have an ability that will allow them to get
away from a sticky situation easily, giving them a sense of
security in themselves. A lot of people would not even suspect that
these people were Defective at all because of how boisterous and
public they are.

People with
passive abilities are more likely to be like Shilah and I. They
know they don’t belong so they just try to fit in wherever they
can. They are introverted and shy. The last thing they would want
is to be the topic of gossip. On the other hand, I’m finding that
you get used to it after a while. I’m still getting stares from a
lot of people – after all, I’m the girl who seduced someone in the
Crypt, right after finding out that my agent boyfriend was
responsible for my arrest. According to Shilah anyway. They can
think all they want, I really don’t care. At least, I don’t want to
care.

I skip going to
see Tate after class. After the incident between Chad and I
earlier, and my conflicting feelings about it, I don’t want Tate in
my head, especially if Chad is around. I decide to spend the night
in my room, alone. I even bring my dinner from the cafeteria up to
my room so I don’t have to deal with anyone. I try not to fall
asleep though, the sooner I go to sleep, the sooner I have to get
up and do it all again. Starting with seeing Drew in History
class.

***

I pace my room
nervously. Chad is going to be here any minute to go to class. I
didn’t get the best night’s sleep. I still can’t get what happened
between us yesterday out of my head and I don’t know if I want
to.

There’s a knock
at the door. Chad has been letting himself in for over three weeks,
now he knocks? I knew this would make things weird between us. When
I open the door, I see it’s not actually Chad, it’s Lynch.

“Congratulations, Allira,” she says as she hands me a letter.

As I open the
piece of paper and begin to read, my heart sinks to my stomach.
I’ve been recommended to sit my field exam. I should be excited
shouldn’t I? I’m one step closer to getting out of here. Then why
am I feeling so terrified?

“How about you
take the day off class today to prepare and I will see you bright
and early tomorrow for your test,” says Lynch. “You’re going to do
great, I just know it,” she adds before walking back down the hall
to the elevator.

Chad gets off
the elevator as Lynch gets on. He holds up a similar letter in his
hand as he walks towards me. I nod my head and show him mine. We’re
both getting out of here but neither of us look excited. “Are you
okay?” I ask Chad as he comes into my apartment.

“It’s what
we’ve been working towards right?” Is he trying to convince me or
himself?

“Then why do I
feel so worried?”

“I’m glad I’m
not the only one,” he responds.

“Do you find it
weird that it has happened really fast? It seems fast.”

Chad doesn’t
answer. I flop backwards on my bed, stunned. Chad sits at the
dining table and we are silent.

I sit up with a
sudden realisation, “What do you think will be on the tests?” I
ask. I hadn’t actually thought about it until now.

Chad thinks for
a moment, “Probably a fitness test for sure, and I’m guessing
multiple questions on what to do in certain circumstances, like
what happens if you are found out, how to tell what type of defect
they have, things like that.”

“Do you think
Jack will be there? How am I meant to pass a fitness test without
him?” I didn’t think about that when I was cheating during
training. What am I going to do?

Chad looks
puzzled. “Well I’m sure you’re fitter than when you started, right?
That has got to count for something.”

“I guess. I did
actually do all of that running and weights, but is it enough to
get through? I’m not so sure.”

“I’m sure
you’ll be fine. Did you want to practice at all, maybe study for
the test?”

“Not really, do
you?”
Please say no, I really don’t want to do anything,
I
beg in my head.

“Want to go see
Tate?” he asks.

That sounds
like a much better idea. “Now that, I will do,” I respond.

Chad and I walk
down to the Crypt. We get to Tate’s cell and he already knows
something is up. “What happened?” he asks.

“We’re having
our field tests in the morning,” Chad replies.

“Oh,” Tate
replies, he’s disappointed as well. With us in the field, we won’t
be here to have our daily visits.

“But hey, we
still have time, it’s not like we will be assigned tomorrow if we
pass,” I say, rationalising. “And assignments don’t last forever.
Drew has been here for a while now on break, we will be back.”

Chad and Tate
exchange a look, I try to hear what they are thinking but they are
both blocking me from their thoughts.

“That’s true,”
Tate says, “but I just don’t know how you two are going to go
without seeing me every day. Let’s face it, I am the light of both
of your lives,” he jokes.

“Well that
is
true,” Chad says sarcastically.

“Have you told
Shilah yet?” Tate asks me.

“No. We were
told not to bother with classes today so I haven’t seen him.”

“I’ll look out
for him while you’re gone,” Tate says.

“Are you
forgetting you’re only allowed out of this box at meal times?” I
appreciate him trying to make me feel better. “Shilah will be
okay,” I say, more to myself than Tate. If I do what they want, I’m
sure he will be. He has to be.

***

I look at the
clock for the sixth time in five hours. I’ve been trying to get to
sleep since 9pm. I don’t know why I am so nervous about taking this
test. If I fail, won’t I just be given more training? I’ll get to
stay here if that happens.
Whoa
, I shake my head in shock,
did I just wish to stay here?

Then another
thought dawns over me. If I fail, will I be sent to work with Deke
as a lunch lady? How many chances do they give before they deem you
unusable? There’s no way I’m going to get to sleep now.

I find myself
grabbing my shoes and heading down to my fitness classroom. Yes
it’s 2:30am, but I want to clear my head and as much as I hate to
admit it, skipping my fitness class today has made me feel frumpy
and lazy. Maybe if I push myself hard enough, I’ll be too exhausted
to think about my test and pass out. At least I would get a few
hours of sleep then.

I’m shocked to
see that when I arrive, I’m not the only crazy one.

“I hear you’re
moving up to the big leagues,” Drew says as he slows his treadmill
down to a walk, instead of a run.

“Why are you
down here at 2:30am?” I ask, trying to avoid talking about the
test.

“I could ask
you the same thing?” he responds.

“I couldn’t
sleep,” I answer quietly.

I lace up my
shoes and jump on a treadmill far away from Drew, but that doesn’t
stop him from getting off his and coming over to talk to me.

“So do you
think you are ready for it?” he asks.

I press the
buttons on my machine, making me run as hard and as fast as I can.
I look at Drew and put my hand up to my ear and shake my head,
pretending like I can’t hear him over the sound of the
treadmill.

He just sighs.
“Well, good luck tomorrow,” he says as he walks away.

***

I sit anxiously
in the lobby of the training centre. My legs are bouncing up and
down rapidly from nerves; I tell them to stop but they don’t
listen. Chad and I aren’t the only ones who are sitting the tests.
Another boy, Zircon, sits across from me, looking ready, even
excited. I’d say he’s a bit younger than me, probably around
sixteen and he’s short but stocky, muscle stocky. I wonder what his
ability is, I wonder what’s driving him to do this.

Chad sits next
to me, calmly. “You really have to stop with the bouncing,” he says
as he puts his hand on my knee hard, to try to get me to stop.
Maybe he’s not so calm after all.

We are all
summoned into different rooms by our advisors. Chad and I exchange
a look as we get up and go our separate ways. I think his was
saying ‘good luck’. Mine was more of a ‘Shit, I don’t want to do
this’ look.

The room is
tiny, like the one I had my first interrogation in. There on the
desk before me, is the first part of my exam. It’s a multiple
choice test on the things we have learnt so far in class. There are
twenty questions in total and Lynch informs me that I have no time
limit. She hands me a remote with a red button on it, it’s the same
kind that I was given during one of my other interrogations, the
one they blinded and deafened me with light and sound.

“Press the red
button when you’re done,” Lynch says just before leaving the
room.

I look down at
the twenty questions and begin. The first few questions are easy
and I breeze through them, but as I go on, the harder they get and
the more I’m starting to think, I may not even pass.