The Jeeves Omnibus (285 page)

‘Yes,’ I said, ‘I should imagine you were right. Quite possibly Upjohn has human feelings, though I never noticed them when I was
in statu pupillari
, as I believe the expression is. One sees now why Glossop is at Brinkley Court. What one doesn’t see is why one finds him buttling.’

‘I told you that was his idea. He thought he was such a celebrated figure that it would arouse Mrs Cream’s suspicions if he came here under his own name.’

‘I see what you mean. She would catch him observing Wilbert and wonder why –’

‘– and eventually put two and two together –’

‘– and start Hey-what’s-the-big-idea-ing.’

‘Exactly. No mother likes to find that her hostess has got a brain specialist down to observe the son who is the apple of her eye. It hurts her feelings.’

‘Whereas, if she catches the butler observing him, she merely says to herself, “Ah, an observant butler.” Very sensible. With this deal Uncle Tom’s got on with Homer Cream, it would be fatal to risk giving her the pip in any way. She would kick to Homer, and Homer would draw himself up and say “After what has occurred, Travers, I would prefer to break off the negotiations,” and Uncle Tom would lose a packet. What is this deal they’ve got on, by the way? Did Aunt Dahlia tell you?’

‘Yes, but it didn’t penetrate. It’s something to do with some land your uncle owns somewhere, and Mr Cream is thinking of buying it and putting up hotels and things. It doesn’t matter, anyway. The fundamental thing, the thing to glue the eye on, is that the Cream contingent have to be kept sweetened at any cost. So not a word to a soul.’

‘Quite. Bertram Wooster is not a babbler. No spiller of the beans he. But why are you so certain that Wilbert Cream is loopy? He doesn’t look loopy to me.’

‘Have you met him?’

‘Just for a moment. He was in a leafy glade, reading poetry to the Mills girl.’

She took this big.

‘Reading
poetry
? To
Phyllis
?’

‘That’s right. I thought it odd that a chap like him should be doing such a thing. Limericks, yes. If he had been reciting limericks to her, I could have understood it. But this was stuff from one of those books they bind in limp purple leather and sell at Christmas. I wouldn’t care to swear to it, but it sounded to me extremely like Omar Khayyam.’

She continued to take it big.

‘Break it up, Bertie, break it up! There’s not a moment to be lost. You must go and break it up immediately.’

‘Who, me? Why me?’

‘That’s what you’re here for. Didn’t your aunt tell you? She wants you to follow Wilbert Cream and Phyllis about everywhere and see that he doesn’t get a chance of proposing.’

‘You mean that I’m to be a sort of private eye or shamus, tailing them up? I don’t like it,’ I said dubiously.

‘You don’t have to like it,’ said Bobbie. ‘You just do it.’

WAX IN THE
hands of the other sex, as the expression is, I went and broke it up as directed, but not blithely. It is never pleasant for a man of sensibility to find himself regarded as a buttinski and a trailing arbutus, and it was thus, I could see at a g., that Wilbert Cream was pencilling me in. At the moment of my arrival he had suspended the poetry reading and had taken Phyllis’s hand in his, evidently saying or about to say something of an intimate and tender nature. Hearing my ‘What ho’, he turned, hurriedly released the fin and directed at me a look very similar to the one I had recently received from Aubrey Upjohn. He muttered something under his breath about someone, whose name I did not catch, apparently having been paid to haunt the place.

‘Oh, it’s you again,’ he said.

Well, it was, of course. No argument about that.

‘Kind of at a loose end?’ he said. ‘Why don’t you settle down somewhere with a good book?’

I explained that I had just popped in to tell them that tea was now being served on the main lawn, and Phyllis squeaked a bit, as if agitated.

‘Oh, dear!’ she said. ‘I must run. Daddy doesn’t like me to be late for tea. He says it’s not respectful to my elders.’

I could see trembling on Wilbert Cream’s lips a suggestion as to where Daddy could stick himself and his views on respect to elders, but with a powerful effort he held it back.

‘I shall take Poppet for a walk,’ he said, chirruping to the dachshund, who was sniffing at my legs, filling his lungs with the delicious Wooster bouquet.

‘No tea?’ I said.

‘No.’

‘There are muffins.’

‘Tchah!’ he ejaculated, if that’s the word, and strode off, followed by the low-slung dog, and it was borne in upon me that here was another source from which I could expect no present at Yuletide. His
whole
demeanour made it plain that I had not added to my little circle of friends. Though going like a breeze with dachshunds, I had failed signally to click with Wilbert Cream.

When Phyllis and I reached the lawn, only Bobbie was at the tea table, and this surprised us both.

‘Where’s Daddy?’ Phyllis asked.

‘He suddenly decided to go to London,’ said Bobbie.

‘To London?’

‘That’s what he said.’

‘Why?’

‘He didn’t tell me.’

‘I must go and see him,’ said Phyllis, and buzzed off.

Bobbie seemed to be musing.

‘Do you know what I think, Bertie?’

‘What?’

‘Well, when Upjohn came out just now, he was all of a doodah, and he had this week’s
Thursday Review
in his hand. Came by the afternoon post, I suppose. I think he had been reading Reggie’s comment on his book.’

This seemed plausible. I number several authors among my aquaintance – the name of Boko Fittleworth is one that springs to the mind – and they invariably become all of a doodah when they read a stinker in the press about their latest effort.

‘Oh, you know about that thing Kipper wrote?’

‘Yes, he showed it to me one day when we were having lunch together.’

‘Very mordant, I gathered from what he told me. But I don’t see why that should make Upjohn bound up to London.’

‘I suppose he wants to ask the editor who wrote the thing, so that he can horsewhip him on the steps of his club. But of course they won’t tell him, and it wasn’t signed so … Oh, hullo, Mrs Cream.’

The woman she was addressing was tall and thin with a hawk-like face that reminded me of Sherlock Holmes. She had an ink spot on her nose, the result of working on her novel of suspense. It is virtually impossible to write a novel of suspense without getting a certain amount of ink on the beezer. Ask Agatha Christie or anyone.

‘I finished my chapter a moment ago, so I thought I would stop for a cup of tea,’ said this literateuse. ‘No good overdoing it.’

‘No. Quit when you’re ahead of the game, that’s the idea. This is Mrs Travers’s nephew Bertie Wooster,’ said Bobbie with what I considered a far too apologetic note in her voice. If Roberta Wickham has one fault more pronounced than another, it is that she is inclined
to
introduce me to people as if I were something she would much have preferred to hush up. ‘Bertie loves your books,’ she added, quite unnecessarily, and the Cream started like a Boy Scout at the sound of a bugle.

‘Oh, do you?’

‘Never happier than when curled up with one of them,’ I said, trusting that she wouldn’t ask me which one of them I liked best.

‘When I told him you were here, he was overcome.’

‘Well, that certainly is great. Always glad to meet the fans. Which of my books do you like best?’

And I had got as far as ‘Er’ and was wondering, though not with much hope, if ‘All of them’ would meet the case, when Pop Glossop joined us with a telegram for Bobbie on a salver. From her mother, I presumed, calling me some name which she had forgotten to insert in previous communications. Or, of course, possibly expressing once more her conviction that I was a guffin, which, I thought, having had time to ponder over it, would be something in the nature of a bohunkus or a hammerhead.

‘Oh, thank you, Swordfish,’ said Bobbie, taking the ’gram.

It was fortunate that I was not holding a tea cup as she spoke, for hearing Sir Roderick thus addressed I gave another of my sudden starts and, had I had such a cup in my hand, must have strewn its contents hither and thither like a sower going forth sowing. As it was, I merely sent a cucumber sandwich flying through the air.

‘Oh, sorry,’ I said, for it had missed the Cream by a hair’s breadth.

I could have relied on Bobbie to shove her oar in. The girl had no notion of passing a thing off.

‘Excuse it, please,’ she said. ‘I ought to have warned you. Bertie is training for the Jerk The Cucumber Sandwich event at the next Olympic Games. He has to be practising all the time.’

On Ma Cream’s brow there was a thoughtful wrinkle, as though she felt unable to accept this explanation of what had occurred. But her next words showed that it was not on my activities that her mind was dwelling but on the recent Swordfish. Having followed him with a keen glance as he faded from view, she said:

‘This butler of Mrs Travers’. Do you know where she got him, Miss Wickham?’

‘At the usual pet shop, I think.’

‘Had he references?’

‘Oh, yes. He was with Sir Roderick Glossop, the brain specialist, for years. I remember Mrs Travers saying Sir Roderick gave him a supercolossal reference. She was greatly impressed.’

Ma Cream sniffed.

‘References can be forged.’

‘Good gracious! Why do you say that?’

‘Because I am not at all easy in my mind about this man. He has a criminal face.’

‘Well, you might say that about Bertie.’

‘I feel that Mrs Travers should be warned. In my
Blackness at Night
the butler turned out to be one of a gang of crooks, planted in the house to make it easy for them to break in. The inside stand, it’s called. I strongly suspect that this is why this Swordfish is here, though of course it is quite possible that he is working on his own. One thing I am sure of, and that is that he is not a genuine butler.’

‘What makes you think that?’ I asked, handkerchiefing my upper slopes, which had become considerably bedewed. I didn’t like this line of talk at all. Let the Cream get firmly in her nut the idea that Sir Roderick Glossop was not the butler, the whole butler and nothing but the butler, and disaster, as I saw it, loomed. She would probe and investigate, and before you could say ‘What ho’ would be in full possession of the facts. In which event, bim would go Uncle Tom’s chance of scooping in a bit of easy money. And ever since I’ve known him failure to get his hooks on any stray cash that’s floating around has always put him out of touch with the blue bird. It isn’t that he’s mercenary. It’s just that he loves the stuff.

Her manner suggested that she was glad I had asked her that.

‘I’ll tell you what makes me think it. He betrays his amateurishness in a hundred ways. This very morning I found him having a long conversation with Wilbert. A real butler would never do that. He would feel it was a liberty.’

I contested this statement.

‘Now there,’ I said, ‘I take issue with you, if taking issue means what I think it means. Many of my happiest hours have been passed chatting with butlers, and it has nearly always happened that it was they who made the first advances. They seek me out and tell me about their rheumatism. Swordfish looks all right to me.’

‘You are not a student of criminology, as I am. I have the trained eye, and my judgment is never wrong. That man is here for no good.’

I could see that all this was making Bobbie chafe, but her better self prevailed and she checked the heated retort. She is very fond of T. Portarlington Travers, who, she tells me, is the living image of a wire-haired terrier now residing with the morning stars but at one time very dear to her, and she remembered that for his sake the Cream had to be deferred to and handled with gloves. When she spoke, it
was
with the mildness of a cushat dove addressing another cushat dove from whom it was hoping to borrow money.

‘But don’t you think, Mrs. Cream, that it may be just your imagination? You have such a wonderful imagination. Bertie was saying only the other day that he didn’t know how you did it. Write all those frightfully imaginative books, I mean. Weren’t you, Bertie?’

‘My very words.’

‘And if you have an imagination, you can’t help imagining. Can you, Bertie?’

‘Dashed difficult.’

Her honeyed words were wasted. The Cream continued to dig her toes in like Balaam’s ass, of whom you have doubtless heard.

‘I’m not imagining that that butler is up to something fishy,’ she said tartly. ‘And I should have thought it was pretty obvious what that something was. You seem to have forgotten that Mr. Travers has one of the finest collections of old silver in England.’

This was correct. Owing possibly to some flaw in his mental make-up, Uncle Tom has been collecting old silver since I was so high, and I suppose the contents of the room on the ground floor where he parks the stuff are worth a princely sum. I knew all about that collection of his, not only because I had had to listen to him for hours on the subject of sconces, foliation, ribbon wreaths in high relief and gadroon borders, but because I had what you might call a personal interest in it, once having stolen an eighteenth-century cow-creamer for him. (Long story. No time to go into it now. You will find it elsewhere in the archives.)

‘Mrs Travers was showing it to Willie the other day, and he was thrilled. Willie collects old silver himself.’

With each hour that passed I was finding it more and more difficult to get a toe-hold on the character of W. Cream. An in-and-out performer, if ever there was one. First all that poetry, I mean, and now this. I had always supposed that playboys didn’t give a hoot for anything except blondes and cold bottles. It just showed once again that half the world doesn’t know how the other three-quarters lives.

‘He says there are any number of things in Mr Travers’s collection that he would give his back teeth for. There was an eighteenth-century cow-creamer he particularly coveted. So keep your eye on that butler. I’m certainly going to keep mine. Well,’ said the Cream, rising, ‘I must be getting back to my work. I always like to rough out a new chapter before finishing for the day.’