The Jeeves Omnibus (65 page)

‘I fancy you will find the arrangements quite satisfactory, sir.’

‘What are you giving us?’

‘Cold consommé, a cutlet, and a savoury, sir. With lemon-squash, iced.’

‘Well, I don’t see how that can hurt him. Don’t go getting carried away by the excitement of the thing and start bringing in coffee.’

‘No, sir.’

‘And don’t let your eyes get glassy, because, if you do, you’re apt to find yourself in a padded cell before you know where you are.’

‘Very good, sir.’

There was a ring at the bell.

‘Stand by, Jeeves,’ I said. ‘We’re off!’

I HAD MET
Sir Roderick Glossop before, of course, but only when I was with Honoria; and there is something about Honoria which makes almost anybody you meet in the same room seem sort of under-sized and trivial by comparison. I had never realized till this moment what an extraordinarily formidable old bird he was. He had a pair of shaggy eyebrows which gave his eyes a piercing look which was not at all the sort of thing a fellow wanted to encounter on an empty stomach. He was fairly tall and fairly broad, and he had the most enormous head, with practically no hair on it, which made it seem bigger and much more like the dome of St Paul’s. I suppose he must have taken about a nine or something in hats. Shows what a rotten thing it is to let your brain develop too much.

‘What ho! What ho! What ho!’ I said, trying to strike the genial note, and then had a sudden feeling that that was just the sort of thing I had been warned not to say. Dashed difficult it is to start things going properly on an occasion like this. A fellow living in a London flat is so handicapped. I mean to say, if I had been the young squire greeting the visitor in the country, I could have said, ‘Welcome to Meadowsweet Hall!’ or something zippy like that. It sounds silly to say ‘Welcome to Number 6
A
, Crichton Mansions, Berkeley Street, W.’

‘I am afraid I am a little late,’ he said, as we sat down. ‘I was detained at my club by Lord Alastair Hungerford, the Duke of Ramfurline’s son. His Grace, he informed me, had exhibited a renewal of the symptoms which have been causing the family so much concern. I could not leave him immediately. Hence my unpunctuality, which I trust has not discommoded you.’

‘Oh, not at all. So the Duke is off his rocker, what?’

‘The expression which you use is not precisely the one I should have employed myself with reference to the head of perhaps the noblest family in England, but there is no doubt that cerebral excitement does, as you suggest, exist in no small degree.’ He sighed as
well
as he could with his mouth full of cutlet. ‘A profession like mine is a great strain, a great strain.’

‘Must be.’

‘Sometimes I am appalled at what I see around me.’ He stopped suddenly and sort of stiffened. ‘Do you keep a cat, Mr Wooster?’

‘Eh? What? Cat? No, no cat.’

‘I was conscious of a distinct impression that I had heard a cat mewing either in the room or very near to where we are sitting.’

‘Probably a taxi or something in the street.’

‘I fear I do not follow you.’

‘I mean to say, taxis squawk, you know. Rather like cats in a sort of way.’

‘I had not observed the resemblance,’ he said, rather coldly.

‘Have some lemon-squash,’ I said. The conversation seemed to be getting rather difficult.

‘Thank you. Half a glassful, if I may.’ The hell-brew appeared to buck him up, for he resumed in a slightly more pally manner. ‘I have a particular dislike for cats. But I was saying – Oh, yes. Sometimes I am positively appalled at what I see around me. It is not only the cases which come under my professional notice, painful as many of those are. It is what I see as I go about London. Sometimes it seems to me that the whole world is mentally unbalanced. This very morning, for example, a most singular and distressing occurrence took place as I was driving from my house to the club. The day being clement, I had instructed my chauffeur to open my laudaulette, and I was leaning back, deriving no little pleasure from the sunshine, when our progress was arrested in the middle of the thoroughfare by one of those blocks in the traffic which are inevitable in so congested a system as that of London.’

I suppose I had been letting my mind wander a bit, for when he stopped and took a sip of lemon-squash I had a feeling that I was listening to a lecture and was expected to say something.

‘Hear, hear!’ I said.

‘I beg your pardon?’

‘Nothing, nothing. You were saying –’

‘The vehicles proceeding in the opposite direction had also been temporarily arrested, but after a moment they were permitted to proceed. I had fallen into a meditation, when suddenly the most extraordinary thing took place. My hat was snatched abruptly from my head! And as I looked back I perceived it being waved in a kind of feverish triumph from the interior of a taxicab, which, even as I
looked
, disappeared through a gap in the traffic and was lost to sight.’

I didn’t laugh, but I distinctly heard a couple of my floating ribs part from their moorings under the strain.

‘Must have been meant for a practical joke,’ I said. ‘What?’

This suggestion didn’t seem to please the old boy.

‘I trust,’ he said, ‘I am not deficient in an appreciation of the humorous, but I confess that I am at a loss to detect anything akin to pleasantry in the outrage. The action was beyond all question that of a mentally unbalanced subject. These mental lesions may express themselves in almost any form. The Duke of Ramfurline, to whom I had occasion to allude just now, is under the impression – this is in the strictest confidence – that he is a canary: and his seizure today, which so perturbed Lord Alastair, was due to the fact that a careless footman had neglected to bring him his morning lump of sugar. Cases are common, again, of men waylaying women and cutting off portions of their hair. It is from a branch of this latter form of mania that I should be disposed to imagine that my assailant was suffering. I can only trust that he will be placed under proper control before he – Mr Wooster, there
is
a cat close at hand! It is
not
in the street! The mewing appears to come from the adjoining room.’

This time I had to admit there was no doubt about it. There was a distinct sound of mewing coming from the next room. I punched the bell for Jeeves, who drifted in and stood waiting with an air of respectful devotion.

‘Sir?’

‘Oh, Jeeves,’ I said. ‘Cats! What about it? Are there any cats in the flat?’

‘Only the three in your bedroom, sir.’

‘What!’

‘Cats in his bedroom!’ I heard Sir Roderick whisper in a kind of stricken way, and his eyes hit me amidships like a couple of bullets.

‘What do you mean,’ I said, ‘only the three in my bedroom?’

‘The black one, the tabby and the small lemon-coloured animal, sir.’

‘What on earth –?’

I charged round the table in the direction of the door. Unfortunately, Sir Roderick had just decided to edge in that direction himself, with the result that we collided in the doorway with a good
deal
of force, and staggered out into the hall together. He came smartly out of the clinch and grabbed an umbrella from the rack.

‘Stand back!’ he shouted, waving it overhead. ‘Stand back, sir! I am armed!’

It seemed to me that the moment had come to be soothing.

‘Awfully sorry I barged into you,’ I said. ‘Wouldn’t have had it happen for worlds. I was just dashing out to have a look into things.’

He appeared a trifle reassured, and lowered the umbrella. But just then the most frightful shindy started in the bedroom. It sounded as though all the cats in London, assisted by delegates from outlying suburbs, had got together to settle their differences once for all. A sort of augmented orchestra of cats.

‘This noise is unendurable,’ yelled Sir Roderick. ‘I cannot hear myself speak.’

‘I fancy, sir,’ said Jeeves respectfully, ‘that the animals may have become somewhat exhilarated as the result of having discovered the fish under Mr Wooster’s bed.’

The old boy tottered.

‘Fish! Did I hear you rightly?’

‘Sir?’

‘Did you say that there was a fish under Mr Wooster’s bed?’

‘Yes, sir.’

Sir Roderick gave a low moan, and reached for his hat and stick.

‘You aren’t going?’ I said.

‘Mr Wooster, I
am
going! I prefer to spend my leisure time in less eccentric society.’

‘But I say. Here, I must come with you. I’m sure the whole business can be explained. Jeeves, my hat.’

Jeeves rallied round. I took the hat from him and shoved it on my head.

‘Good heavens!’

Beastly shock it was! The bally thing had absolutely engulfed me, if you know what I mean. Even as I was putting it on I got a sort of impression that it was a trifle roomy; and no sooner had I let it go than it settled down over my ears like a kind of extinguisher.

‘I say! This isn’t my hat!’

‘It is
my
hat!’ said Sir Roderick in about the coldest, nastiest voice I’d ever heard. ‘The hat which was stolen from me this morning as I drove in my car.’

‘But –’

I suppose Napoleon or somebody like that would have been equal
to
the situation, but I’m bound to say it was too much for me. I just stood there goggling in a sort of coma, while the old boy lifted the hat off me and turned to Jeeves.

‘I should be glad, my man,’ he said, ‘if you would accompany me a few yards down the street. I wish to ask you some questions.’

‘Very good, sir.’

‘Here, but, I say –!’ I began, but he left me standing. He stalked out, followed by Jeeves. And at that moment the row in the bedroom started again, louder than ever.

I was about fed up with the whole thing. I mean, cats in your bedroom – a bit thick, what? I didn’t know how the dickens they had got in, but I was jolly well resolved that they weren’t going to stay picnicking there any longer. I flung open the door. I got a momentary flash of about a hundred and fifteen cats of all sizes and colours scrapping in the middle of the room, and then they all shot past me with a rush and out of the front door; and all that was left of the mob-scene was the head of a whacking big fish, lying on the carpet and staring up at me in a rather austere sort of way, as if it wanted a written explanation and apology.

There was something about the thing’s expression that absolutely chilled me, and I withdrew on tiptoe and shut the door. And, as I did so, I bumped into someone.

‘Oh, sorry!’ he said.

I spun round. It was the pink-faced chappie, Lord Something or other, the fellow I had met with Claude and Eustace.

‘I say,’ he said apologetically, ‘awfully sorry to bother you, but those weren’t my cats I met just now legging it downstairs, were they? They looked like my cats.’

‘They came out of my bedroom.’

‘Then they
were
my cats!’ he said sadly. ‘Oh, dash it.’

‘Did you put cats in my bedroom?’

‘Your man, what’s-his-name, did. He rather decently said I could keep them there till my train went. I’d just come to fetch them. And now they’ve gone! Oh, well, it can’t be helped, I suppose. I’ll take the hat and the fish, anyway.’

I was beginning to dislike this chappie.

‘Did you put that bally fish there, too?’

‘No, that was Eustace’s. The hat was Claude’s.’

I sank limply into a chair.

‘I say, you couldn’t explain this, could you?’ I said. The chappie gazed at me in mild surprise.

‘Why, don’t you know all about it? I say!’ He blushed profusely. ‘Why, if you don’t know about it, I shouldn’t wonder if the whole thing didn’t seem rummy to you.’

‘Rummy is the word.’

‘It was for The Seekers, you know?’

‘The Seekers?’

‘Rather a blood club, you know, up at Oxford, which your cousins and I are rather keen on getting into. You have to pinch something, you know, to get elected. Some sort of a souvenir, you know. A policeman’s helmet, you know, or a door-knocker or something, you know. The room’s decorated with the things at the annual dinner, and everybody makes speeches and all that sort of thing. Rather jolly! Well, we wanted rather to make a sort of special effort and do the thing in style, if you understand, so we came up to London to see if we couldn’t pick up something here that would be a bit out of the ordinary. And we had the most amazing luck right from the start. Your cousin Claude managed to collect a quite decent top-hat out of a passing car and your cousin Eustace got away with a really goodish salmon or something from Harrods, and I snaffed three excellent cats all in the first hour. We were fearfully braced, I can tell you. And then the difficulty was to know where to park the things till our train went. You look so beastly conspicuous, you know, tooling about London with a fish and a lot of cats. And then Eustace remembered you, and we all came on here in a cab. You were out, but your man said it would be all right. When we met you, you were in such a hurry that we hadn’t time to explain. Well, I think I’ll be taking the hat, if you don’t mind.’

‘It’s gone.’

‘Gone?’

‘The fellow you pinched it from happened to be the man who was lunching here. He took it away with him.’

‘Oh, I say! Poor old Claude will be upset. Well, how about the goodish salmon or something?’

‘Would you care to view the remains?’ He seemed all broken up when he saw the wreckage.

‘I doubt if the committee would accept that,’ he said sadly. ‘There isn’t a frightful lot of it left, what?’

‘The cats ate the rest.’

He sighed deeply.

‘No cats, no fish, no hat. We’ve had all our trouble for nothing.
I
do call that hard! And on top of that – I say, I hate to ask you, but you couldn’t lend me a tenner, could you?’

‘A tenner? What for?’

‘Well, the fact is, I’ve got to pop round and bail Claude and Eustace out. They’ve been arrested.’

‘Arrested!’

‘Yes. You see, what with the excitement of collaring the hat and the salmon or something, added to the fact that we had rather a festive lunch, they got a bit above themselves, poor chaps, and tried to pinch a motor-lorry. Silly, of course, because I don’t see how they could have got the thing to Oxford and shown it to the committee. Still, there wasn’t any reasoning with them, and when the driver started making a fuss, there was a bit of a mix-up, and Claude and Eustace are more or less languishing in Vine Street police station till I pop round and bail them out. So if you could manage a tenner – Oh, thanks, that’s fearfully good of you. It would have been too bad to leave them there, what? I mean, they’re both such frightfully good chaps, you know. Everybody likes them up at the Varsity. They’re fearfully popular.’