The Jeeves Omnibus (73 page)

‘Then carry on,’ said Claude.

I toddled over in the evening and fixed the thing up. Old Heppenstall was most decent about the whole affair. He seemed pleased and touched that I should have remembered the sermon all these years, and said he had once or twice had an idea of preaching it again, only it had seemed to him, on reflection, that it was perhaps a trifle long for a rustic congregation.

‘And in these restless times, my dear Wooster,’ he said, ‘I fear that brevity in the pulpit is becoming more and more desiderated by even the bucolic churchgoer, who one might have supposed would be less afflicted with the spirit of hurry and impatience than his metropolitan brother. I have had many arguments on the subject with my nephew, young Bates, who is taking my old friend Spettigue’s cure over at Gandle-by-the-Hill. His view is that a sermon
nowadays
should be a bright, brisk, straight-from-the shoulder address, never lasting more than ten or twelve minutes.’

‘Long?’ I said. ‘Why, my goodness! You don’t call that Brotherly Love sermon of yours
long
, do you?’

‘It takes fully fifty minutes to deliver.’

‘Surely not?’

‘Your incredulity, my dear Wooster, is extremely flattering – far more flattering, of course, than I deserve. Nevertheless, the facts are as I have stated. You are sure that I would not be well advised to make certain excisions and eliminations? You do not think it would be a good thing to cut, to prune? I might, for example, delete the rather exhaustive excursus into the family life of the early Assyrians?’

‘Don’t touch a word of it, or you’ll spoil the whole thing,’ I said earnestly.

‘I am delighted to hear you say so, and I shall preach the sermon without fail next Sunday morning.’

What I have always said, and what I always shall say, is, that this ante-post betting is a mistake, an error, and a mug’s game. You can never tell what’s going to happen. If fellows would only stick to the good old SP there would be fewer young men go wrong. I’d hardly finished my breakfast on the Saturday morning, when Jeeves came to my bedside to say that Eustace wanted me on the telephone.

‘Good Lord, Jeeves, what’s the matter, do you think?’

I’m bound to say I was beginning to get a bit jumpy by this time.

‘Mr Eustace did not confide in me, sir.’

‘Has he got the wind up?’

‘Somewhat vertically, sir, to judge by his voice.’

‘Do you know what I think, Jeeves? Something’s gone wrong with the favourite.’

‘Which is the favourite, sir?’

‘Mr Heppenstall. He’s gone to odds on. He was intending to preach a sermon on Brotherly Love which would have brought him home by lengths. I wonder if anything’s happened to him.’

‘You could ascertain, sir, by speaking to Mr Eustace on the telephone. He is holding the wire.’

‘By Jove, yes!’

I shoved on a dressing gown, and flew downstairs like a mighty, rushing wind. The moment I heard Eustace’s voice I knew we were for it. It had a croak of agony in it.

‘Bertie?’

‘Here I am.’

‘Deuce of a time you’ve been. Bertie, we’re sunk. The favourite’s blown up.’

‘No!’

‘Yes. Coughing in his stable all last night.’

‘What!’

‘Absolutely! Hay-fever.’

‘Oh, my sainted aunt!’

‘The doctor is with him now, and it’s only a question of minutes before he’s officially scratched. That means the curate will show up at the post instead, and he’s no good at all. He is being offered at a hundred-to-six, but no takers. What shall we do?’

I had to grapple with the thing for a moment in silence.

‘Eustace.’

‘Hallo?’

‘What can you get on G. Hayward?’

‘Only four to one now. I think there’s been a leak, and Steggles has heard something. The odds shortened late last night in a significant manner.’

‘Well, four to one will clear us. Put another fiver all round on G. Hayward for the syndicate. That’ll bring us out on the right side of the ledger.’

‘If he wins.’

‘What do you mean? I thought you considered him a cert, bar Heppenstall.’

‘I’m beginning to wonder,’ said Eustace gloomily, ‘if there’s such a thing as a cert, in this world. I’m told the Rev. Joseph Tucker did an extraordinarily fine trial gallop at a mothers’ meeting over at Badgwick yesterday. However, it seems our only chance. So-long.’

Not being one of the official stewards, I had my choice of churches next morning, and naturally I didn’t hesitate. The only drawback to going to Lower Bingley was that it was ten miles away, which meant an early start, but I borrowed a bicycle from one of the grooms and tooled off. I had only Eustace’s word for it that G. Hayward was such a stayer, and it might have been that he had showed too flattering form at that wedding where the twins had heard him preach; but any misgivings I may have had disappeared the moment he got into the pulpit. Eustace had been right. The man was a trier. He was a tall, rangy-looking greybeard, and he went off from the start with a nice, easy action, pausing and clearing his throat at the
end
of each sentence, and it wasn’t five minutes before I realized that here was the winner. His habit of stopping dead and looking round the church at intervals was worth minutes to us, and in the home stretch we gained no little advantage owing to his dropping his pince-nez and having to grope for them. At the twenty-minute mark he had merely settled down. Twenty-five minutes saw him going strong. And when he finally finished with a good burst, the clock showed thirty-five minutes fourteen seconds. With the handicap which he had been given, this seemed to me to make the event easy for him, and it was with much
bonhomie
and goodwill to all men that I hopped on to the old bike and started back to the Hall for lunch.

Bingo was talking on the phone when I arrived.

‘Fine! Splendid! Topping!’ he was saying. ‘Eh? Oh, we needn’t worry about him. Right-o, I’ll tell Bertie.’ He hung up the receiver and caught sight of me. ‘Oh, hallo, Bertie; I was just talking to Eustace. It’s all right, old man. The report from Lower Bingley has just got in. G. Hayward romps home.’

‘I knew he would. I’ve just come from there.’

‘Oh, were you there? I went to Badgwick. Tucker ran a splendid race, but the handicap was too much for him. Starkie had a sore throat and was nowhere. Roberts, of Fale-by-the-Water, ran third. Good old G. Hayward!’ said Bingo affectionately, and we strolled out on to the terrace.

‘Are all the returns in, then?’ I asked.

‘All except Gandle-by-the-Hill. But we needn’t worry about Bates. He never had a chance. By the way, poor old Jeeves loses his tenner. Silly ass!’

‘Jeeves? How do you mean?’

‘He came to me this morning, just after you had left, and asked me to put a tenner on Bates for him. I told him he was a chump, and begged him not to throw his money away, but he would do it.’

‘I beg your pardon, sir. This note arrived for you just after you had left the house this morning.’

Jeeves had materialized from nowhere, and was standing at my elbow.

‘Eh? What? Note?’

‘The Reverend Mr Heppenstall’s butler brought it over from the Vicarage, sir. It came too late to be delivered to you at the moment.’

Young Bingo was talking to Jeeves like a father on the subject of
betting
against the form-book. The yell I gave made him bite his tongue in the middle of a sentence.

‘What the dickens is the matter?’ he asked, not a little peeved.

‘We’re dished! Listen to this!’

I read him the note:

The Vicarage
,

Twing, Glos
.

My Dear Wooster
,

As you may have heard, circumstances over which I have no control will prevent my preaching the sermon on Brotherly Love for which you made such a flattering request. I am unwilling, however, that you shall be disappointed, so, if you will attend divine service at Gandle-by-the-Hill this morning, you will hear my sermon preached by young Bates, my nephew. I have lent him the manuscript at his urgent desire, for, between ourselves, there are wheels within wheels. My nephew is one of the candidates for the headmastership of a well-known public school, and the choice has narrowed down between him and one rival
.

Late yesterday evening James received private information that the head of the Board of Governors of the school proposed to sit under him this Sunday in order to judge of the merits of his preaching, a most important item in swaying the Board’s choice. I acceded to his plea that I lend him my sermon on Brotherly Love, of which, like you, he apparently retains a vivid recollection. It would have been too late for him to compose a sermon of suitable length in place of this brief address which – mistakenly, in my opinion – he had designed to deliver to his rustic flock, and I wished to help the boy
.

Trusting that his preaching of the sermon will supply you with as pleasant memories as you say you have of mine, I remain
,

Cordially yours
,

F.
H
EPPENSTALL
.

PS – The hay-fever has rendered my eyes unpleasantly weak for the time being, so I am dictating this letter to my butler, Brookfield, who will convey it to you
.

I don’t know when I’ve experienced a more massive silence than the one that followed my reading of this cheery epistle. Young Bingo gulped once or twice, and practically every known emotion came and went on his face. Jeeves coughed one soft, low, gentle cough
like
a sheep with a blade of grass stuck in its throat, and then stood gazing serenely at the landscape. Finally young Bingo spoke.

‘Great Scott!’ he whispered hoarsely. ‘An SP job!’

‘I believe that is the technical term, sir,’ said Jeeves.

‘So you had inside information, dash it!’ said young Bingo.

‘Why, yes, sir,’ said Jeeves. ‘Brookfield happened to mention the contents of the note to me when he brought it. We are old friends.’

Bingo registered grief, anguish, rage, despair and resentment.

‘Well, all I can say,’ he cried, ‘is that it’s a bit thick! Preaching another man’s sermon! Do you call that honest? Do you call that playing the game?’

‘Well, my dear old thing,’ I said, ‘be fair. It’s quite within the rules. Clergymen do it all the time. They aren’t expected always to make up the sermons they preach.’

Jeeves coughed again, and fixed me with an expressionless eye.

‘And in the present case, sir, if I may be permitted to take the liberty of making the observation, I think we should make allowances. We should remember that the securing of this headmastership meant everything to the young couple.’

‘Young couple? What young couple?’

‘The Reverend James Bates, sir, and Lady Cynthia. I am informed by her ladyship’s maid that they have been engaged to be married for some weeks – provisionally, so to speak; and his lordship made his consent conditional on Mr Bates securing a really important and remunerative position.’

Young Bingo turned a light green.

‘Engaged to be married!’

‘Yes, sir.’

There was a silence.

‘I think I’ll go for a walk,’ said Bingo.

‘But, my dear old thing,’ I said, ‘it’s just lunch-time. The gong will be going any minute now.’

‘I don’t want any lunch!’ said Bingo.

AFTER THAT, LIFE
at Twing jogged along pretty peacefully for a bit. Twing is one of those places where there isn’t a frightful lot to do nor any very hectic excitement to look forward to. In fact, the only event of any importance on the horizon, as far as I could ascertain, was the annual village school-treat. One simply filled in the time by loafing about the grounds, playing a bit of tennis, and avoiding young Bingo as far as was humanly possible.

This last was a very necessary move if you wanted a happy life, for the Cynthia affair had jarred the unfortunate mutt to such an extent that he was always waylaying one and decanting his anguished soul. And when, one morning, he blew into my bedroom while I was toying with a bit of breakfast, I decided to take a firm line from the start. I could stand having him moaning all over me after dinner, and even after lunch; but at breakfast, no. We Woosters are amiability itself, but there is a limit.

‘Now look here, old friend,’ I said. ‘I know your bally heart is broken and all that, and at some future time I shall be delighted to hear all about it, but –’

‘I didn’t come to talk about that.’

‘No? Good egg!’

‘The past,’ said young Bingo, ‘is dead. Let us say no more about it.’

‘Right-o!’

‘I have been wounded to the very depths of my soul, but don’t speak about it.’

‘I won’t.’

‘Ignore it. Forget it.’

‘Absolutely!’

I hadn’t seen him so dashed reasonable for days.

‘What I came to see you about this morning, Bertie,’ he said, fishing a sheet of paper out of his pocket, ‘was to ask if you would care to come in on another little flutter.’

If there is one thing we Woosters are simply dripping with, it is sporting blood. I bolted the rest of my sausage, and sat up and took notice.

‘Proceed,’ I said. ‘You interest me strangely, old bird.’

Bingo laid the paper on the bed.

‘On Monday week,’ he said, ‘you may or may not know, the annual village school-treat takes place. Lord Wickhammersley lends the Hall grounds for the purpose. There will be games and a conjurer, and coco-nut shies, and tea in a tent. And also sports.’

‘I know. Cynthia was telling me.’

Young Bingo winced.

‘Would you mind not mentioning that name? I am not made of marble.’

‘Sorry!’

‘Well, as I was saying, this jamboree is slated for Monday week. The question is, Are we on?’

‘How do you mean, “Are we on?”?’

‘I am referring to the sports. Steggles did so well out of the Sermon Handicap that he has decided to make a book on these sports. Punters can be accommodated at ante-post odds or starting price, according to their preference. I think we ought to look into it,’ said young Bingo.