The Jeeves Omnibus (94 page)

‘It wasn’t a cipher telegram. I wanted you to go light on the food, so that she would realize you were in love.’

He laughed hollowly.

‘I see. Well, I’ve been doing that, all right.’

‘Yes, I was noticing at dinner. Splendid.’

‘I don’t see what’s splendid about it, it’s not going to get me anywhere. I shall never be able to ask her to marry me. I couldn’t find nerve to do that if I lived on wafer biscuits for the rest of my life.’

‘But, dash it, Gussie. In these romantic surroundings. I should have thought the whispering trees alone –’

‘I don’t care what you would have thought. I can’t do it.’

‘Oh, come!’

‘I can’t. She seems so aloof, so remote.’

‘She doesn’t.’

‘Yes, she does. Especially when you see her sideways. Have you seen her sideways, Bertie? That cold, pure profile. It just takes all the heart out of one.’

‘It doesn’t.’

‘I tell you it does. I catch sight of it, and the words freeze on my lips.’

He spoke with a sort of dull despair, and so manifest was his lack of ginger and the spirit that wins to success that for an instant, I confess, I felt a bit stymied. It seemed hopeless to go on trying to steam up such a human jellyfish. Then I saw the way. With that extraordinary quickness of mine, I realized exactly what must be done if this Fink-Nottle was to be enabled to push his nose past the judges’ box.

‘She must be softened up,’ I said.

‘Be what?’

‘Softened up. Sweetened. Worked on. Preliminary spadework must be put in. Here, Gussie, is the procedure I propose to adopt: I shall now return to the house and lug this Bassett out for a stroll. I shall talk to her of hearts that yearn, intimating that there is one actually on the premises. I shall pitch it strong, sparing no effort. You, meanwhile, will lurk on the outskirts, and in about a quarter of an hour you will come along and carry on from there. By that time, her emotions having been stirred, you ought to be able to do the rest on your head. It will be like leaping on to a moving bus.’

I remember when I was a kid at school having to learn a poem of sorts about a fellow named Pig-something – a sculptor he would have been, no doubt – who made a statue of a girl, and what should happen one morning but that the bally thing suddenly came to life. A pretty nasty shock for the chap, of course, but the point I’m working round to is that there were a couple of lines that went, if I remember correctly:

She starts. She moves. She seems to feel

The stir of life along her keel
.

And what I’m driving at is that you couldn’t get a better description of what happened to Gussie as I spoke these heartening words. His brow cleared, his eyes brightened, he lost that fishy look, and he gazed at the slug, which was still on the long, long trail, with something approaching bonhomie. A marked improvement.

‘I see what you mean. You will sort of pave the way, as it were.’

‘That’s right. Spadework.’

‘It’s a terrific idea, Bertie. It will make all the difference.’

‘Quite. But don’t forget that after that it will be up to you. You will have to haul up your slacks and give her the old oil, or my efforts will have been in vain.’

Something of his former Gawd-help-us-ness seemed to return to him. He gasped a bit.

‘That’s true. What the dickens shall I say?’

I restrained my impatience with an effort. The man had been at school with me.

‘Dash it, there are hundreds of things you can say. Talk about the sunset.’

‘The sunset?’

‘Certainly. Half the married men you meet began by talking about the sunset.’

‘But what can I say about the sunset?’

‘Well, Jeeves got off a good one the other day. I met him airing the dog in the park one evening, and he said, “Now fades the glimmering landscape on the sight, sir, and all the air a solemn stillness holds.” You might use that.’

‘What sort of landscape?’

‘Glimmering.
G
for “gastritis”,
l
for “lizard” –’

‘Oh, glimmering? Yes, that’s not bad. Glimmering landscape … solemn stillness … Yes, I call that pretty good.’

‘You could then say that you have often thought that the stars are God’s daisy chain.’

‘But I haven’t.’

‘I dare say not. But she has. Hand her that one, and I don’t see how she can help feeling that you’re a twin soul.’

‘God’s daisy chain?’

‘God’s daisy chain. And then you go on about how twilight always makes you sad. I know you’re going to say it doesn’t, but on this occasion it has jolly well got to.’

‘Why?’

‘That’s just what she will ask, and you will then have got her going. Because you will reply that it is because yours is such a lonely life. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to gave her a brief description of a typical home evening at your Lincolnshire residence, showing how you pace the meadows with a heavy tread.’

‘I generally sit indoors and listen to the wireless.’

‘No, you don’t. You pace the meadows with a heavy tread, wishing that you had someone to love you. And then you speak of the day when she came into your life.’

‘Like a fairy princess.’

‘Absolutely,’ I said with approval. I hadn’t expected such a hot one from such a quarter. ‘Like a fairy princess. Nice work, Gussie.’

‘And then?’

‘Well, after that it’s easy. You say you have something you want to say to her, and then you snap into it. I don’t see how it can fail. If I were you, I should do it in this rose garden. It is well established that there is no sounder move than to steer the adored object into rose gardens in the gloaming. And you had better have a couple of quick ones first.’

‘Quick ones?’

‘Snifters.’

‘Drinks, do you mean? But I don’t drink.’

‘What?’

‘I’ve never touched a drop in my life.’

This made me a bit dubious, I must confess. On these occasions it is generally conceded that a moderate skinful is of the essence.

However, if the facts were as he had stated, I supposed there was nothing to be done about it.

‘Well, you’ll have to make out as best you can on ginger pop.’

‘I always drink orange juice.’

‘Orange juice, then. Tell me, Gussie, to settle a bet, do you really like that muck?’

‘Very much.’

‘Then there is no more to be said. Now, let’s just have a run through, to see that you’ve got the layout straight. Start off with the glimmering landscape.’

‘Stars God’s daisy chain.’

‘Twilight makes you feel sad.’

‘Because mine is a lonely life.’

‘Describe life.’

‘Talk about the day I met her.’

‘Add fairy-princess gag. Say there’s something you want to say to her. Heave a couple of sighs. Grab her hand. And give her the works. Right.’

And confident that he had grasped the scenario and that everything might now be expected to proceed through the proper channels, I picked up the feet and hastened back to the house.

It was not until I had reached the drawing-room and was enabled to take a square look at the Bassett that I found the debonair gaiety with which I had embarked on this affair beginning to wane a trifle. Beholding her at close range like this, I suddenly became cognisant of what I was in for. The thought of strolling with this rummy specimen undeniably gave me a most unpleasant sinking feeling. I could not but remember how often, when in her company at Cannes, I had gazed dumbly at her, wishing that some kindly motorist in a racing car would ease the situation by coming along and ramming her amidships. As I have already made abundantly clear, this girl was not one of my most congenial buddies.

However, a Wooster’s word is his bond. Woosters may quail, but they do not edge out. Only the keenest ear could have detected the tremor in the voice as I asked her if she would care to come out for half an hour.

‘Lovely evening,’ I said.

‘Yes, lovely, isn’t it?’

‘Lovely. Reminds me of Cannes.’

‘How lovely the evenings were there!’

‘Lovely,’ I said.

‘Lovely,’ said the Bassett.

‘Lovely,’ I agreed.

That completed the weather and news bulletin for the French Riviera. Another minute, and we were out in the great open spaces, she cooing a bit about the scenery, and self replying, ‘Oh, rather, quite,’ and wondering how best to approach the matter in hand.

HOW DIFFERENT IT
all would have been, I could not but reflect, if this girl had been the sort of girl one chirrups cheerily to over the telephone and takes for spins in the old two-seater. In that case, I would simply have said, ‘Listen,’ and she would have said, ‘What?’ and I would have said, ‘You know Gussie Fink-Nottle,’ and she would have said, ‘Yes,’ and I would have said, ‘He loves you,’ and she would have said either, ‘What, that mutt? Well, thank heaven for one good laugh today,’ or else, in more passionate vein, ‘Hot dog! Tell me more.’

I mean to say, in either event the whole thing would have been over and done with in under a minute.

But with the Bassett something less snappy and a good deal more glutinous was obviously indicated. What with all this daylight-saving stuff, we had hit the great open spaces at a moment when twilight had not yet begun to cheese it in favour of the shades of night. There was a fag-end of sunset still functioning. Stars were beginning to peep out, bats were fooling round, the garden was full of the aroma of those niffy white flowers which only start to put in their heavy work at the end of the day – in short, the glimmering landscape was fading on the sight and all the air held a solemn stillness, and it was plain that this was having the worst effect on her. Her eyes were enlarged, and her whole map a good deal too suggestive of the soul’s awakening for comfort.

Her aspect was that of a girl who was expecting something fairly fruity from Bertram.

In these circs, conversation inevitably flagged a bit. I am never at my best when the situation seems to call for a certain soupiness, and I’ve heard other members of the Drones say the same thing about themselves. I remember Pongo Twistleton telling me that he was out in a gondola with a girl by moonlight once, and the only time he spoke was to tell her that old story about the chap who was so good at swimming that they made him a traffic cop in Venice.

Fell rather flat, he assured me, and it wasn’t much later when the girl said she thought it was getting a little chilly and how about pushing back to the hotel.

So now, as I say, the talk rather hung fire. It had been all very well for me to promise Gussie that I would cut loose to this girl about aching hearts, but you want a cue for that sort of thing. And when, toddling along, we reached the edge of the lake and she finally spoke, conceive my chagrin when I discovered that what she was talking about was stars.

Not a bit of good to me.

‘Oh, look,’ she said. She was a confirmed Oh-looker. I had noticed this at Cannes, where she had drawn my attention in this manner on various occasions to such diverse objects as a French actress, a Provençal filling station, the sunset over the Estorels, Michael Arlen, a man selling coloured spectacles, the deep velvet blue of the Mediterranean, and the late mayor of New York in a striped one-piece bathing suit. ‘Oh, look at that sweet little star up there all by itself.’

I saw the one she meant, a little chap operating in a detached sort of way above a spinney.

‘Yes,’ I said.

‘I wonder if it feels lonely.’

‘Oh, I shouldn’t think so.’

‘A fairy must have been crying.’

‘Eh?’

‘Don’t you remember? “Every time a fairy sheds a tear, a wee bit star is born in the Milky Way.” Have you ever thought that, Mr Wooster?’

I never had. Most improbable, I considered, and it didn’t seem to me to check up with her statement that the stars were God’s daisy chain. I mean, you can’t have it both ways.

However, I was in no mood to dissect and criticize. I saw that I had been wrong in supposing that the stars were not germane to the issue. Quite a decent cue they had provided, and I leaped on it promptly: ‘Talking of shedding tears –’

But she was now on the subject of rabbits, several of which were messing about in the park to our right.

‘Oh, look. The little bunnies!’

‘Talking of shedding tears –’

‘Don’t you love this time of the evening, Mr Wooster, when the sun has gone to bed and all the bunnies come out to have their little suppers? When I was a child, I used to think that rabbits were
gnomes,
and that if I held my breath and stayed quite still, I should see the fairy queen.’

Indicating with a reserved gesture that this was just the sort of loony thing I should have expected her to think as a child, I returned to the point.

‘Talking of shedding tears,’ I said firmly, ‘it may interest you to know that there is an aching heart in Brinkley Court.’

This held her. She cheesed the rabbit theme. Her face, which had been aglow with what I supposed was a pretty animation, clouded. She unshipped a sigh that sounded like the wind going out of a rubber duck.

‘Ah, yes. Life is very sad, isn’t it?’

‘It is for some people. This aching heart, for instance.’

‘Those wistful eyes of hers! Drenched irises. And they used to dance like elves of delight. And all through a foolish misunderstanding about a shark. What a tragedy misunderstandings are. That pretty romance broken and over just because Mr Glossop would insist that it was a flatfish.’

I saw that she had got the wires crossed.

‘I’m not talking about Angela.’

‘But her heart is aching.’

‘I know it’s aching. But so is somebody else’s.’

She looked at me, perplexed.

‘Somebody else? Mr Glossop’s, you mean?’

‘No, I don’t.’

‘Mrs Travers’s?’

The exquisite code of politeness of the Woosters prevented me clipping her one on the earhole, but I would have given a shilling to be able to do it. There seemed to me something deliberately fatheaded in the way she persisted in missing the gist.

‘No, not Aunt Dahlia’s, either.’

‘I’m sure she is dreadfully upset.’

‘Quite. But this heart I’m talking about isn’t aching because of Tuppy’s row with Angela. It’s aching for a different reason altogether. I mean to say – dash it, you know why hearts ache!’