The King's Mistress (21 page)

II
THE QUEEN’S HANDMAID

W
HEN HAD
I a choice to be other than I was? The queen mother and Janyn had decided I was to be a lady of the court, and short of running away I must accept their plan. They said it was for my good, for my daughter’s good
.

But what of my heart? Janyn promised me that he would visit me often, and we would have time together in our homes with Bella when the queen was nearby. My husband would
visit—
I wanted to
live
with him. I wanted to live with my daughter, to bring her up to be the woman I dreamed she could be
.

I did not like that this separation must have been planned long ago, that it had led Janyn to insist on hiring a wet nurse, that the queen mother’s being my baby’s godmother had been the first step. I wondered why Janyn had pursued me, why he had wished to wed me at all. I hated the way such questions tainted my precious memories
.

• 1358 •

A
LL THAT
summer I held my breath, as if thus I might be forgotten by the royal family. As the fields ripened for the harvest I dared to hope. And then Janyn and I were summoned to Hertford Castle. I was
haunted once more by my nightmare of the golden wolf, my family’s blood staining her muzzle, dripping from her lolling tongue, and rode toward Hertford with such evident dread that Janyn and Gwen both feared I was ill.

On our arrival the queen mother sent word that she would see me alone. Something in his face told me that Janyn had expected this request. I followed the page with feet of lead.

As I entered Isabella’s bedchamber I could see at once how ill she was, how close to death. Her eyes had withdrawn into her skull, her once erect spine had crumpled. She sat propped up by a mound of cushions and her hand trembled as she extended it for me to kiss. All the fragrant oils burning in the chamber could not mask the stink of the sickroom. She patted the space beside her.

“I’ve little breath. Sit up here near me, Alice.”

She ordered her servants to leave us alone.

“But what if you need assistance, Your Grace?” I was not comfortable being responsible for such a great lady.

“Then you shall call for them. I should like for just a moment to be free to talk to a friend without being overheard.” She settled her sunken eyes on me. “I know that you are not happy about being summoned to serve in Philippa’s household.” She spoke slowly, summoning up breath with painful effort.

“It is an honor I did not desire,” I admitted, having no reason to demur if she’d already guessed.

“I have arranged this for your safety, and your daughter’s. Especially for hers.”

I crossed myself for protection from evil, from the terrible golden wolf that haunted my sleep. “What danger threatens us?”

“I will not tell you all, for they would only rip it from you when I am gone.”

Words that could not but chill me. “They? Who, Your Grace?”

She held up a hand for me to be patient as she caught her breath.

This was the moment I had both yearned for and dreaded. I was about to learn the truth from the queen mother herself. I pressed my hands together and fiercely prayed for her and for my family. When her breathing sounded less labored, I opened my eyes.

“Janyn’s mother and her parents saved someone most precious to me,” she began, “at great risk to themselves. The family continues
to protect this person, still at great risk. In thanks for their service, I vowed to save you and my goddaughter. For your husband, who loves you as his life.”

The words twisted my heart. “What of Janyn? Is he in danger?”

“Every moment.” She reached toward my hands. I pried them apart and proffered one. She took it in hers. “Do not doubt his love.” She was very weak, her hands dry and cold.

Though I shook with emotion and was desperate to hear all she knew, I forced myself to be patient. “Your Grace,” I managed to say.

“You must take care and be guided by others.” She pressed my hand. “Pray for my soul, Alice. Do not curse me.”

I could not promise that. As I kissed her hand I felt anger pushing aside my anguish and fear. Anger about all the planning, the secret arrangements made behind my back.

“I must rest,” said Isabella. “Call my servants. Go to your husband.”

I was unsteady on my feet when I rose from the bed, but I managed to reach the corridor and summon Isabella’s attendants. Janyn awaited me there, and I stumbled into his embrace, desperately in need of his strength. He led me out into a quiet part of the gardens where we walked for a while arm in arm, not speaking, just being together.

When I trusted myself to speak sensibly, I said, “I know little more except that we are ever in danger. She said that if I knew all, ‘they would only rip it from’ me when she is dead.
Who
would? And who are you protecting? Why would such desperate people believe that I know nothing? This is not a joust with polite rules, Janyn, this is my life, our marriage, our family.” I gasped, suddenly so angry that I found it difficult to breathe. Who was it Janyn visited in Italy so regularly? Not the soldiers who had supported Isabella, as he had told me, but someone “precious” to her. I turned away from him. He could not comfort me, for it was he, his family, who had brought me to this moment of understanding that all I loved teetered on the edge of disaster.

Janyn drew me to him. “You will be protected in the queen’s household.”

I stiffly endured his embrace, refusing to yield. “What of our daughter? What of
you?”

He released me. “The plan had been that our Bella was to stay here, with her godmother.”

My anger softened at the distraught note in Janyn’s voice, seeing
how he clenched his hands. Perhaps Bella might be safe in the bosom of the Salisbury family if Isabella was gone. “What of having her own great-grandmother, Dame Agnes, care for her?”

Janyn took my hands. “Look at me, Alice.” When I met his gaze, I saw a plea in his eyes. “For the sake of our daughter, we must keep her apart from my family, and from yours.”

“I would not think of allowing her to be brought up by my parents. I—”

“Listen to me, Alice. Look at me.” I had glanced away. “There may come a time when I will ask you to do something,” he began. When he was certain he had my attention, he added, “It will, I think, be the hardest thing you have ever had to do. You must walk away from me and both our families.”

I could not believe what I heard. “Walk away from all I hold dear? I will not desert my daughter!”

He shook his head. “The king and queen have promised to find a way for you to be with Bella. Eventually. Another foster home will be found—”

“Foster home? Listen to you! How can you bear to send our Bella away?
Our
beloved?”

He closed his eyes for a moment, then quietly said, “When it is safe she will be placed with you in the royal household.”

Though his coolness chilled me, I lunged toward that shaft of light. “At least that, God be thanked.” I crossed myself. “But walk away from you? Why, Janyn?”

“Isabella has told you as much as you may know. Now, listen. If someone gives you these beads,” he held out his favorite rosewood paternoster beads to me, “you will know that it is time for you to walk away. That is your signal.”

“Janyn, I cannot! I could never do so.”

“I love you more than my own life, Alice, and I mean for you and Bella to have long, wonderful lives. My family foolishly agreed to something long ago that brought them wealth, but at what cost they had not then fathomed. How terrible it would be … how it might destroy our family. I do not want you to suffer for it.”

“But without you I
will
suffer, Janyn.”

“Then think of our Bella.”

“What could be so dangerous, my love?”

“Knowledge, Alice. I’ll say no more. Never doubt that I love you and Bella. I have been so happy with you.”

Trembling with anger and frustration, I backed away from him, shaking my head. “How could you do this to us? What possessed you to pursue marriage if you knew this lay ahead? What right had you to bring this curse down upon me and our innocent child?”

“Hush, hush, Alice, my love.” Janyn reached out to me. “I thought the queen mother would live a long life. She appeared hale and hearty.”

I was torn between running from him and seeking comfort in his arms. While I hesitated the tears came and he gathered me to him, holding me close as I wept. We clung to each other so hard that the next morning I saw the bruises on both our arms. I prayed to God, His mother, and all the saints to take this burden from us. To bring a miracle to save us.

Within days of our meeting, Isabella, the Queen Mother, insisted on a large dose of the physick she had been taking, and died in peace. We had already returned to London. When the messenger arrived from Hertford with the news, Janyn and Tommasa, who was dining with us, both looked as if he had brought word of their own imminent deaths. Pale and wooden, they received the news with a terrible quiet, so unlike them that the servants looked as frightened as I felt.

W
HEN I
was summoned to Windsor Castle shortly after Isabella’s death, I thought my heart would shatter with the pain of leaving Bella and Janyn. But seeing how my emotions affected them, I forced a brave countenance. I would find a way to reunite my family. Until then, I would strive to treat this as an adventure. I would make Janyn and Bella proud of me.

I had thought Hertford splendid, but it was modest in comparison to the royal couple’s grand palace. I was overwhelmed by its vastness, bewildered by the opulence, and spellbound by the magnificence of color and light within. My resolve weakened in the face of such a foreign domicile. In our first days at court, Gwen and I were often lost in the maze of corridors and buildings. When Queen Philippa realized why I was often late to the sewing room or to attend her in her chamber she assigned a young page to me, Stephen, who had been at court long enough to know every nook and cranny. Every night I cried myself to sleep.

Through that first autumn and winter, I lived only infrequently at court, for in the brief time between my meeting with Queen Philippa at the lodge and my joining her household she had fallen from her horse while hunting with the king. She suffered grievous pain in her lower back and hips that kept her bedridden, unable to participate in state occasions, requiring fewer attendants.

Aware that these visits would become shorter and less frequent when my role in the queen’s household was firmly established, I lived for my sojourns at home, treasuring each moment with Bella and Janyn. But the tentativeness of our situation haunted me and confused the household. Our housekeeper Gertrude and a new nursemaid helped Janyn with Bella when I was called to court, with Dame Tommasa in attendance as much as possible, and they were loath to change their routine when I was in residence. My sweet Bella, in her second year, was happily adaptable. I was not so fortunate. I hovered about her to such an extent that she grew querulous under my regard.

Things were little better with Janyn. Since Isabella’s death he seemed far away. I persisted in wooing him, desperate to have another child, holding firm to the belief that if I were to conceive, I would be released from the queen’s household and all would be well in my little family.

My duties at court became more regular in April, when Queen Philippa insisted on taking an active part in the annual celebration marking the Feast of St. George at Windsor during which members of the Order of the Garter gathered for jousts and tournaments. The order had been founded ten years earlier by King Edward after the glorious victory at Crécy. Twenty-six knights companion pledged loyalty to Edward and to one another. They met for a grand celebration each year on St. George’s Day, the twenty-third of April at Windsor, where the king was building a new hall for them.

For such festivities all members of the king’s and queen’s households wore the same colors as their master and mistress, which for the Garter meant accents of azure blue and gold. It seemed frivolous to me to spend so much time and money on special robes, but then I resented everything about court and was in a particularly darksome mood. My darling Bella had just been sent to live in the household of Queen Joan of Scotland at Hertford Castle.

Queen Philippa informed me of this arrangement one morning as I worked beside her in the sewing room.