The Lady Astronomer (13 page)

“Mr. Trotters?”

“How did you know his name? Have you
seen him?”

“Yes, that is, yes and no, not
recently.”

“Honestly, I have no time for idle
chatter like this. The royal door opener cannot stand and talk to every waif
and stray that fetches up on the castle steps, you know.”

“Royal door opener?”

“Look, young lady, my position is one
of the most important, if not the most important, job in the entire castle. Why
do you think I am so well turned out?” The woman pirouetted, and showed a
shapely ankle clad in a most beautiful boot.

“Lovely,” remarked Lucretia, and
finally finding her voice, “I am not the new royal potato peeler. I have
been asked to come stay with the king. My name is Lucretia H, from Slough. My
brother Freddie is building the Forty-Foot telescope for His Majesty.”

“Oh, dear. My sympathies. How dreadful
for you to have such a rapscallion as a brother. And you do look a little like
our last potato peeler. Apart from that eye contraption. A mistake anybody
could have made.

“You had best come in with your
animals and I will fetch a member of the royal welcoming committee to give you
a tour and show you to your bedchamber. Do follow me.”

Lucretia followed, looking around her like
a country bumpkin at the splendour of everything. The royal door opener led her
down the seemingly endless corridor past brightly tapestried wall hangings and
enough silverware on show that the eyes were fairly dazzled by it.

“Here we are,” remarked the door
opener. “I shall leave you now, and wish you well.”

“But where is the person you mentioned
that was going to show me to my room and give me the guided tour?”

“Are you unable to see what is in
front of you? There, look.” she pointed to a rather shabby suit of armour,
dented, rusted and stained.

“There?”

Lucretia repeated herself, unsure.

“Yes, yes, that is Wodehouse. He will
buttle for you.”

A furry creature passed, and Lucretia
stepped back, hand to her mouth.

“That,” remarked the royal door
opener, “is the Most Important Personage in the entire castle. Empress the
Cat.”

“Orion!” Lucretia called before the
owl could see Empress and think she might make a very tasty snack for afternoon
tea. She would have to keep a sharp eye on him.

As if reading her mind, the Door Opener
said, “Indeed, pity the person, or animal, who would touch a single strand
of fur on the cat’s head. Pity them indeed.”

*

“So, Wodehouse, just you and me then.”
Lucretia looked up at the suit of armour, waiting for him to make a move. Or a
sound. Anything would do. She felt very conspicuous, standing in the corridor,
bag at her feet.
How did that get there?
Leibniz squirmed in her arms,
but she was disinclined to let him down as she didn’t want him to get lost
until he had his bearings. Orion appeared to have gone to sleep at her feet,
probably for the best until she persuaded him that the cat was off limits.

The suit of armour came to life. He lifted
his arm, turned and pointed down the hallway, as if letting Lucretia know where
their intended destination was.

She followed quickly, dragging her bag
until Wodehouse heard what she was doing. The armour made his way clunkily to
her side, bent down with an alarming squeak of iron, and lifted the bag as if it
weighed nothing.

“Do you talk at all?”

His silence made her take that in the
negative.

“Nice this, isn’t it?” She
prattled on, unnerved by her surroundings and unable to quell a sudden stab of
homesickness. She was taken so unawares that Wodehouse realised she was no
longer following and turned to see her standing frozen in the hallway.

The next thing she knew, cold iron fingers
clasped hers and Wodehouse titled his head to the side in a manner that seemed
to exude empathy and sympathy.

“I think,” Lucretia remarked, “that
you and I are going to get along just fine. Thank you. And my brother Al should
really come give your joints an oiling so you sound a little less, well,
alarming.”

She followed him with a smile, wondering
how someone such as himself was ever made a member of the welcoming committee
if he couldn’t actually talk. So caught was she in her musings that she nearly stumbled
into him as he came to a halt in front of a highly polished door. He opened his
breast plate and took out a beautifully carved, ornate key. He put her bag
down, inserted the key into the lock and turned it, pushing the door open with
his free hand.

“Thank you, Wodehouse. What an amazing
room.”

She walked into it, admiring the canopied four-poster
bed. Orion flew to the top of a wondrously carved dresser. Leibniz ran for the
bed, jumping up and down on the blankets, making them spill to the ground.

“Just lovely.” Lucretia sat on
the bed and stood up again. It was rather lumpy and would no doubt make for a
bad night’s sleep. However, she was so tired that it didn’t much matter. A
powerful yawn escaped before she could stop it, and she settled down, fully
clothed, to close her eyes.

*

Lucretia awoke to Wodehouse looming over
her and she sat up quickly.

“Oh! I must have fallen asleep. Is it
time for dinner?”

Wodehouse shook his head. The armour grated
like nails on a piece of slate.

Lucretia winced. “Could you get me a
snack, or a cup of tea even? I’m starving.”

Wodehouse shook his head.

“Why not?”

Wodehouse stood impassively and it dawned
on Lucretia that she must have slept the afternoon, evening and night away.

“Have I slept all night?” She
shrieked.

Wodehouse nodded.

“Oh, arse!” She leapt from the
bed and ran for her bag. She opened it and rummaged around for some clean
clothes to wear. Remaining in her grimy traveling outfit from yesterday simply
would not do.

“Wodehouse, please, could I have some
water? I need to wash.”

He pointed to a pitcher and jug on the
dresser, from which both Orion and Leibniz were lapping.

“You two! Leave some for me! A dirty
Lucretia is a very unhappy Lucretia, and we wouldn’t want that, now would we?”

She could have sworn Wodehouse moved his
shoulders as if he were having a good old chortle on her behalf, but when she
turned to him he was as impassive as ever.

Leibniz slunk away to the bed, and Orion
grudgingly made room for Lucretia to use the water.

“If you wouldn’t mind, Wodehouse,”
she said as she unfastened her monoscope. “Please wait outside the door and
I’ll let you know when I’m ready. Five minutes?”

He left the room, and knowing full well
that ladies never took five minutes to get ready, prepared for a long wait.

“Thank you,” Lucretia beamed at
him, five minutes later. “You were a dear for waiting for me.

“You’ll have to show me around so I’m
not in fear of blundering into the wrong rooms, seeing things that are only fit
for royal eyes. Now, lead on to breakfast. Kippers and eggs would hit the spot
right about now.

“No, Leibniz. You stay there. You too,
Orion. I will bring back tasties and then we will find out where you two are
allowed to roam.”

She held out her hand to Wodehouse and he
took it, tucking it in the crook of his arm.

“Now I feel rather more regal,”
she remarked. “Tell me, Wodehouse, is what I am wearing suitable for
sipping tea at the Castle?”

She giggled as he paused with indecision,
that age-old worry of the man saying the wrong thing to the lady who was secretly
looking for a compliment. Lucretia tugged his
arm to let him know that she was ready to continue their perambulation.

Once they had reached the breakfast room, Wodehouse
pulled Lucretia’s chair out for her and she sank into its luxurious, tasselled
cushions, looking around her all the while. The room’s rather garish green hue
did nothing for her appetite, nor did the paintings of notables hanging on the
walls, with their cold eyes and haughty aristocratic features. She felt their eyes
following her and shivered.

Wodehouse tapped the teapot on the table,
and with a whirr it lifted up, tilted itself and started pouring tea into the
cup in front of it. The milk jug came next, and then the sugar bowl. But
something appeared to be wrong, as the pot and jug stopped mid-pour and
remained frozen, dripping milk and tea onto the table, while the bowl continued
dispatching sweet lumps into her cup.

Lucretia pushed back her chair to avoid getting
wet by the beverages and looked to the butler.

“You can’t wind the mechanisms, can you?
Here, let me. Now, let’s say nothing of this.” She dabbed at the table
with a nearby napkin.

“Let’s say nothing about what,
exactly, hmm?”

Lucretia looked up to see a woman who wore
pearls in her powdered wig, along the bodice of her dress, and even the fan in
front of her face.

She stepped toward the table, put her fan down,
and took her gloves off, finger by finger.

“Who might you be, and what happened
here? Really, they need to retire Wodehouse, don’t you think?”

“He just needs to be oiled, that is all.”

“Hmm.”

“I am Lucretia H, and I am here as a
guest of the king.”

“No need to get on your high-horse,
dear. We are all here as a guest of the king. But how delightful to meet you. We
have heard all about you and would enjoy taking tea with you if you are quite
finished mopping up after the butler. I am Lady K, and somewhere about is my
companion, Mr. E. He should be along shortly. Honestly, he takes longer at his
toilette in the morning than I do.” She tittered.

Lucretia stared at her, and as the tittering
continued, she joined in.

“There! Friends already, how
delightful. Let us sit and you can tell me all about how you came to be in the king’s
affections–for we fight over those like scraps from the master’s table.”

An equally glamorous man strode into the
room, and seeing Lady K, graced her with a large smile and a sweeping bow.

“Lady K, the pleasure is mine, as
always.”

“Oh, do sit, Mr. E, and say hello to
Lucretia H. She is here as a guest of the king.”

“Aren’t we all, my dear, aren’t we
all. Charmed, I am sure, Ms. H.” He pulled a chair out for himself,
without waiting for Wodehouse to do so, and Lucretia felt bad for the butler
who took his duties so seriously.

“Now,” he leaned across the
table, “tell us all about what you will be doing here, and how His Majesty
came to invite you to stay. And don’t leave out any juicy bits.”

“Well,” Lucretia began.

“I’m sorry, dear,” Lady K
interrupted. “We simply must dress you in a manner more becoming to Court.
You look like you are come fresh from some small trading hamlet.” She gave
an exaggerated shudder.

“But that is exactly where I am from,”
Lucretia replied.

“Ah! You will see that Lady K is
always right! But fear not, we shall soon have you looking like you were born
here. Tell me, can we take that contraption from your head? No? Well, how about
some pearls?”

*

“
Their Most Royal Majesties the King and Queen!” The
royal announcer looked over the assembled in the large receiving hall.

Someone tugged at Lucretia’s sleeve. She
looked around and everyone was already on bended knee. She flushed, hoping she
had not been caught out.

“I see you there, Ms. H. You will
attend me and my family now!” the king bellowed, to her great discomfort.

“What do I do?” Lucretia was
flustered, she whispered to her new friend Lady K, more than eager for her help.

“Look at the floor and when you hear
the royal family entering the receiving room at the end of the hall, follow,”
Lady K answered through clenched teeth, “I will tell you when.”

Lucretia heard heels tapping and skirts
swishing on the great flagstones, and wondered exactly how many people were in
the king’s retinue.

“King, queen, thirteen children,
various attendants,” whispered Lady K as if reading her mind.

“Thirteen?”

“You heard me. Now, go!”

“Ah, Ms. H,” said the king from
his throne. “Delighted you could join me and my family here, what what?
And how is your brother getting on with my telescope? I expect daily updates
from you, so get writing and receiving replies. And while you are here, I would
like you to teach my children the rudimentaries of Astronomy, what what?”

“Your Majesty,” Lucretia dipped
her head, cheeks flaming.

“Here is my darling queen, and my
lovely children. Not like my ancestor who could only scare up a couple of girls
and a boy, what what?”