The Last and the First (2 page)

“What kind of place do you want?” said Eliza. “You share the family home and life. Why have you a right to more? And the position would not be the same. You will be seen in another way. You would have to be prepared for it.”

“I don't know how I am seen now. Or rather I do know; it is as I see myself. And I am ready for it to end.” Hermia kept her eyes turned from Eliza as she voiced unutterable words. “The household will be happier without me. I can only be a discordant element. I am a reminder to Mater of the life Father had before he knew her. And a reminder to him of it too. And it is often in my own mind. How often no one knows.”

“Of course no one does,” said Eliza. “No one knows what is in anyone else's mind. You don't know what is in mine; you do not indeed. And why should people think about your mind? Do you give a thought to theirs? Perhaps they are hardly as much concerned with you as you are with yourself.”

“We know your views,” said Hermia's father. “But think before you give up your home and your place in it. They are things that do not come again.”

“I know that, Father. I am ready to give them up. I feel I have hardly had them.”

“You have had the place that was yours. Mater has given it to you, given it for all these years. You must recognise it, Hermia. What have you given in return? No one would choose to have step-children.”

“I have given nothing. I have had nothing to give. And who would choose to have a step-mother? There was
no choice for either of us there. We have done what we were forced to do. Mater may be grateful to me for going. That is where the gratitude will lie.

“I don't know why my name is brought into this,” said Eliza, in a cold tone. “I have nothing to do with it. The change is being made without reference to me. Hermia has had her full rights here. She would have had no more with her own mother. I don't know why she is a martyr.”

“She is not,” said Sir Robert. “She is an able young woman, who needs an outlet for her gifts. Her energy has been accumulating and has broken forth. That is all it is.”

“Gifts?” said Eliza, drawing in her brows. “Are they to be depended on? Does she know what they are?”

“She may. And others will know, when she begins to use them. We shall hear of her success, if it comes. And she will have her freedom, if that is what it is. Some people would give it another name.”

“They would and will. That is a thing she will have to face. I don't know how she will like it. From what I know of her, not much.”

“I shall not know anything about it,” said Hermia. “No one will say the thing to me. Or I shall not be at home to hear them. And the people I am with will not say them. I shall be quite safe.”

“I don't know why I am regarded like this,” broke out Eliza. “As someone who has failed in some way, when what I have done is to think and manage more than other people. I wish I had not done it. I would not do it again. I will not go on doing it. I will follow Hermia's example and think of myself. And the result for other people need not matter to me. It does not matter to her.”

She sank into tears, and her husband rose and put his arm about her, signing to his children to leave them.

They withdrew to a refuge at the back of the hall, a small room furnished with discards from other rooms with a view to their occupation of it.

“Well, Mater is weeping on Father's shoulder,” said Hermia. “Over a change that is as welcome to her as it is to me. I might as well cry over it myself.”

“If she is we can only regret it,” said Madeline. “It is not a good opening to a new regime.”

“Mater sees and hears herself,” said Hermia. “That ends my pity for her, and transfers it to Father. He sees and hears her too.”

“I feel pity for all of us,” said Angus. “How could we know what was in store? If Hermia escapes without further stress she has done better than I could have believed. I realise her courage and my want of it.”

“Suppose we all had it!” said Roberta. “It may be a good thing it is rare.”

“If courage is the word,” said Madeline.

“I can hardly believe in what I did,” said Hermia. “I could not do it again.”

“I am glad of that,” said Angus.

“You need not fear. I feel that virtue has gone out of me. All that was in me. There is nothing left.”

“If that is the word again,” said Madeline. “It is perhaps not the only one.”

“I don't mind about the word. You will have to show the quality. You are to inherit my place and be a success in it. You can hardly be more of a failure.”

“I have my own place,” said Madeline quietly. “And it may be better for other people for me to keep it.”

“It is,” said Angus. “We value its protection.”

“The blank I leave has always been there,” said Hermia. “My thoughts have been on my own problems. On myself, if you like it better. I am not ashamed of it.”

“You evidently are,” said Roberta. “I suppose it shows that no one is all bad.”

“Why is it wrong to think of oneself? What is more natural and more necessary?”

“We do what is natural to us,” said Madeline. “Obedience to our natures. It is a part of life.”

“A very small part,” said Roberta.

“Nearly the whole of life.”

“A very good thing it is,” said Angus. “It is what prevents its being quite the whole of other people's lives.”

“It is the whole of mine,” said Hermia. “Nothing could be a preventive. It has not been even a part of it. I am to have it at last. I can hardly believe it.”

“I can believe it,” said Roberta. “I think we have evidence of it.”

“It is a great deal to have,” said Angus. “And the evidence is on a scale with it.”

“Father will miss Hermia,” said Madeline, somehow suggesting Eliza's possible doubt of it.

“And will not be allowed to show it,” said her sister. “And will be well advised not to.”

“We shall all be more exposed,” said Angus. “I can no longer rejoice as a young man in my youth.”

“Suppose I had rejoiced in mine,” said Hermia. “What a difference there would be! I might want to cling to it.”

“I never think about my youth or my age,” said Madeline. “I feel such things are out of our hands.”

“Your impression is a right one,” said Roberta. “But that is what is wrong with them. We can do nothing.”

“Mater and I should never meet again,” said Hermia. “I wish our family ran on normal lines.”

“You have much to face,” said Angus. “But so has she. A daughter leaving the family home to seek employment! It is not a thing she would be proud of.”

“There is no cause for pride. It has never been a home to me.”

“Then what has it been?” said her father at the door. “How have you used it?”

“As a place where she is cooked for and cared for and provided with anything she pleases,” said Eliza. “What would that be but a home? The school will do it for her in return for what she does herself, the last thing that has happened here. And the effort will be real if the scheme is not to founder and fail. And it must not fail, Hermia. The money can ill be spared. And things will not be what you are used to. The change will be great.”

“She is prepared for it,” said Sir Robert. “She is willing for effort, and it is true that none has been asked of her here. When she returns she will be welcomed as a daughter, if not the first and foremost one; that place she is passing on. But I think with her eyes open. She knows her mind.”

“The work I am to do will not be for myself,” said Hermia. “There need be no fear that I shall lead a self indulgent life.”

“I do not fear it,” said Eliza. “My fear takes another line. Will it be self-indulgent enough? Will the difference be too much? You will have to adapt yourself to other people, the thing you have never done. The parents of the pupils will have a right to criticise. You will be in a sense employed. From what I have seen you will not suffer it gladly.”

“I shall not suffer it at all. I shall take a high hand. It makes people think more of you.”

“You have a good deal to learn,” said Sir Robert, smiling. “It may do you no harm to learn it. Though you might have gone through your life without doing so. You are taking the hard way. You don't seem well suited to the easy one. It needs its own qualities.”

“I am glad to hear that,” said Angus. “As I am so very well suited to it.”

“There is enough for you to do,” said his father. “And it will be more with time.”

“That is what I am afraid of. It may.”

“My Angus!” said Eliza. “The demands on him will grow, and he will grow with them. And he will always be his mother's son.”

“But can I take a place in the world by being that? There would have to be a good many.”

“You should follow my example,” said Hermia, “and go out into the world.”

“It must be at less expense,” said Eliza. “And is it an example that leads to a place in the world? It seems to be a costly way of dispensing with one. Have you any idea what your duties are to be? What a change it will be for you! Do you know how a school is run?”

“Well, my thoughts have been on it of late. And I see what mistakes are being made, and how they could be rectified.”

“Ah, that is how we all begin,” said her father. “We see what is wrong on the surface and forget all that lies underneath, indeed may be unconscious of it. Well, the first steps have to be taken. The others may follow.”

“I feel I have ability that has not been used. I have seen the working of this house, and know how I should manage it if it were mine.”

“Well, we are glad it is not yours. We are grateful for the way it is managed. And so should you be, as it has been done partly for you.”

“You would have done better in my place?” said Eliza. “I might say the same to you. I can state an honest opinion. You make no secret of yours.”

“My powers have had to lie fallow. I have given no impression of myself.”

“The first may be true,” said Sir Robert. “And the second part of the truth. But powers that have not been used have not been tried.”

“And not only powers are in question,” said Eliza. “There are other things to be taken into account. Powers are not the whole of anyone. They may be a small part. And we all give an impression of ourselves, whether we think it or not.”

“And our powers are needed in our daily life,” said Madeline. “There is really a constant use for them.”

“Have you found it so with Hermia's?” said Eliza.

“It is fair to say that I have, Mater. I have gained a support from them, and shall miss it when she goes. But they may not have been put to their full use.”

“Surely that was full enough,” said Angus.

“It would have served,” said his father.

“It had to, Father,” said Hermia. “It will now be fuller and more definite. I have to justify your faith in me.”

“His faith in you?” said Eliza, just drawing in her brows. “I thought he seemed to have misgivings.”

“I had them and still have them,” said Sir Robert. “As I have said, unused powers are not proved. She is showing courage.”

“A quality she has had no reason to show so far. It has indeed not been proved.”

“I don't know,” said Sir Robert, with a smile. “Perhaps it has been to-day.”

“Oh, I am not an autocrat. There was nothing to be afraid of.”

“What did you say, Mater?” said Angus. “You should think before you speak.”

“You all call me Mater now,” said Eliza with a frown. “The name was chosen for Hermia and Madeline, because they remembered their own mother. There is no point in it for anyone else.”

“But it is better not to have two names,” said Madeline. “And Mater has the maternal implication, and yet seems to avoid the deeper one. No doubt that was how Father thought of it.”

“It may have been,” said Sir Robert. “Anyhow it is established by usage.”

“Well, Mater or not, I am no tyrant,” said Eliza. “People are not afraid of me. Sometimes, I think, toolittle.”

“That is not likely,” said Hermia. “Fear goes a long way. I may or may not have courage, but I have not been quite free from it. I have been afraid of provoking your outbreaks. Perhaps more than of the outbreaks themselves. You may have made me afraid of myself.”

“Mater will soon be afraid of Hermia,” murmured Roberta.

“The outbreaks, as you call them, have their reason,” said Eliza. “Things that are wrong must be rectified.”

“Whatever I call them, they add to the wrong.”

“I did not know you were so much on the side of righteousness! I have not recognised the signs of it.”

“Most of us are on its side in a way.”

“Do you mean that I am not?”

“I daresay you believe you are. That is also true of most of us.”

“You take this occasion to say things you would not say on any other,” said Madeline. “You have caused it yourself. You should take no advantage of it.”

“They were innocent things to say. I might always have said them.”

“They were the most guilty things,” murmured Angus to Roberta. “And if she might have said them, we know she would have.”

“We are all afraid of Mater. Have we to be afraid of Hermia too? It is a pity they are not afraid of each other. I can't think why they are not.”

“How soon is Hermia going?” said Madeline. “There will have to be adjustments in the house. I suppose she will take her books with her?”

“Yes, I shall,” said her sister. “They are all that I need to take.”

“They are all she has a right to take,” said Eliza, with a faint smile. “Roberta is to have her room. I have always imagined her in it. And if I had been like other women, she would always have had it. There need be no discussion or question. The matter is settled.”