The Last Boy and Girl in the World (45 page)

But I thought of him, especially as the weather changed. I imagined what he might be doing, wondered if he liked college, if he would join a fraternity. He probably wouldn't join a jock one, but maybe an academic one. He might have met someone. Someone kinder and nicer than me, who wouldn't screw him over the way I had.

Mom stood up to hang up the phone and then spontaneously hugged me tight. I knew it hurt her that I was hurting, and she hated that there was nothing she could do to fix it.

“Did you hear about the dam being completed?” I asked.

“Yes. Your dad mentioned it today when he called.”

Dad had taken a job at one of those big-box hardware stores. They made him a greeter, in the front of the store, and let him sit on a stool. He knew a little about everything, so they thought that'd be the place where he could help the most people. With his first paycheck, he came and asked Mom out on a date. She said yes. Now they did a weekly dinner and a movie, early enough so he could drive her back to our duplex so she could do some paperwork. It was another thing that gave me hope. My mom really loved my dad, and vice versa. They were working on their relationship. I just wanted the same chance.

“We're going for dinner tonight, if you'd like to join us.”

I shook my head. “Bring me back something.”

•  •  •

When Mom and Dad left on their date, I decided to finally unpack my boxes. If Aberdeen was going to be no more, what was I hiding from?

As soon as I opened the first box, I realized what had kept me from doing it. The thing is, it's hard to know for sure what's worth saving and what to throw away when you only have thirty minutes to sort through everything you own, and you weren't given nearly enough cardboard boxes, and you're sobbing your eyes out. I knew I'd made mistakes. I'd thrown away stuff I wished I had kept. I'd held on to plenty of things I should have thrown away. And I didn't want to confront them. It was easier to hide than to deal, because I knew there was no going back and fixing things.

And yet, I couldn't bring myself to throw that sticker away. Not when it was the only piece of Morgan I had left.

I was tossing a stack of old spiral notebooks when a worksheet fluttered to the ground. It was from my junior high health class. A diagram of the pituitary gland nestled just below the ear in a human head.

Obviously, in and of itself, the diagram didn't mean crap. I promise I have no particular affinity for the pituitary gland. The doodles I'd added with my colored pencils were what took my breath away. The long hair and brown eyes and pink lips on the head to make it look like me. Jesse Ford's initials inside a droplet of hormone being secreted into my bloodstream. I'd even turned the droplet into a heart shape.

It was proof that I truly had loved Jesse Ford forever, or at least since the sixth grade, which I believe is the first time you can really love a boy in a way that feels possible, not like playing pretend. And, for a brief moment, he realized that he loved me, too. But by then, I was a different person. I couldn't say a
better
person, but someone who couldn't ignore their shortcomings.

Still, I hesitated to throw the paper away, because how many girls can say they got what they always wished for?

I took a picture and texted it to Jesse. Julia and his mother had settled about an hour away, near his grandmother. And now that Julia was taken care of, Jesse had decided to move to California. Los Angeles, actually. He was taking improv acting classes. He'd even booked a commercial for a car. It was all about a bunch of college kids turning off the highway and cruising through the desert to find the perfect place to watch a meteor shower. He didn't have a speaking part, but he was the driver. It was great casting. Or, maybe because I knew him, I could actually believe he'd do something as crazy as that.

This is the best thing I've ever seen
, he wrote back. And then,
Miss you.

I missed Jesse, too. Just not in the way he was hoping. As someone I had chosen to let go of, rather than someone who'd let me go. That made all the difference.

•  •  •

When Dad and Mom came home, I was in the living room watching television. I'd made it through three boxes. There were two more, but I was exhausted.

Mom had brought me back a slice of cake. When she went into the kitchen to get me a fork, I asked Dad, “Did you hear about the dam being finished?”

“Yeah. Guys at the store were talking about it. Wondering if I was going to go and make a scene.” I felt my mom pause in the doorway. But Dad leaned back, easy. “I told them they were crazy. I have a lot of fight left in me, but now I'm fighting for the right things.”

“I'm thinking of going,” I said. “See who I might run into.”

My mom frowned. She sat down on the couch and rubbed my head. “Oh, Keeley. I don't want you to get your hopes up. I know Morgan won't be there,” she said. “Annie's working and she said Morgan's really involved with her new church group and they're going apple picking somewhere.” She looked like she wanted to say more, but she didn't, and I was glad of it. We were both hoping that one day Morgan and I would patch things up and I'd be able to hear all the details about her new life straight from her.

But it sucked to know that, because it was exactly what I'd been hoping. That I might see Morgan. That maybe this was my test, to see if I had the courage to come and face what I had lost head-on.

The possibility of our reconciling was feeling more and more remote. My throat closed up and I started to cry. “Mom, did you ever have a fight like this with Mrs. Dorsey? This bad?”

Mom had tears in her eyes too. She wiped mine away with her thumbs and then her own. “No. We never have. But that's not to say we haven't had our fights. Believe me, we have. We've had to reinvent our friendship a hundred different times.”

“I don't know how to fix this.”

“You need to start caring for yourself, Keeley. What's done is done. I know you want to take back whatever happened, but you can't. But you still need to put one foot in front of the other and find a way to keep going.”

Dad reached down to the coffee table and pressed the power button on the remote. The TV flashed and then went dark. Then he turned to face me on the couch. “I want to tell you something, Keeley.”

Mom took this as a cue and went back to the kitchen. I heard her fiddling with stuff. Dad and I had never had a conversation about what had happened the night we left Aberdeen. “Your mother and I are both so proud of you. You've come to this new place, you're doing terrific in school, but I know you're missing your friends.” He took a deep breath. “I made so many mistakes. But more than anything, I regret that I involved you in them.”

“It wasn't all you, Dad. I was screwing up plenty on my own.” I let my head fall on his shoulder. “But thank you for saying that.”

“It was addictive. To be seen by you and your mother, not to mention people in town, as someone who could lead them. Someone they wanted to listen to. I felt so much shame for the way I acted after my accident, so sorry for myself. And I was really desperate to right those wrongs. I wanted to believe that if you and your mother saw me that way, maybe that was really who I was. I hid from the truth, which was that I had a family who needed me long before all this mess began. Not to be a hero, but to be there every day, for them. So that's what I'm trying to do now. Just show up as who I really am and hope that's enough.”

I understood, of course. It was exactly why my big sticker move hadn't worked. Morgan didn't need a big gesture. She needed me to be a better friend. Instead of fixing the problems, I deflected and distracted.

Wiping my eyes, I decided I would still go to the dam celebration, even knowing that Morgan wouldn't be there. If she never wanted to forgive me, I had to be okay with that. But I'd never forgive myself if I didn't take my last chance to see the place where we became friends, before that disappeared forever too.

Saturday, October 15

Sunny, afternoon high reaching 60°F

The day Governor Ward dedicated the dam to the former residents of Aberdeen couldn't have been more gorgeous. Bright sun, blue sky, chirping birds, turning leaves reflecting their fire in the water. As promised, there were food trucks and carnival rides parked along the shore of the new lakefront park. What had been there before? It was hard to tell and I don't think many people cared. They were more concerned with staking out a place for their lawn chairs to see the fireworks that would be set off from atop the dam come sundown. Though it felt wrong, I bought myself a caramel apple. The whole vibe was celebratory, but for me it was like throwing a party at a funeral.

After today, there would be no reason for anyone to come back. Even if we didn't patch things up, at least I could get essential news about Morgan from my mom. But Levi? I knew he'd be gone from my life forever.

I stuffed my hands deep into the pockets of my cardigan and walked around, hoping to see a familiar face. There were a few. A teacher here, a former classmate there. But I can't say I felt much seeing them, even the ones who stopped to hug me, who asked how I was doing. One girl told me that Secret Prom would always be her very best memory of life in Aberdeen. I told them I was fine, everything was great. And when they asked me about Morgan, how she was doing, I straight-up lied. I couldn't tell them the truth. How badly I'd screwed everything up in those final days.

Had anything changed?

Maybe what Morgan had said was true. Was I so emotionally closed off that I couldn't feel anything?

No. That wasn't the case. Because I had all the feelings when I spotted Sheriff Hamrick, standing near a coffee cart, talking to other officers. Some of them wore uniforms from other towns.

I froze and watched for a few minutes, hoping I might see Levi. But of course he wasn't there. His college was something like ten hours away.

I approached the sheriff carefully. I had nothing to lose.

“Hello, Sheriff Hamrick.”

He glanced at me and looked away. “Hello, Keeley.”

One of the other officers snickered. “Your dad here?”

I ignored him. “I wanted to ask you how Levi is doing.”

“He's terrific.” Sheriff Hamrick tipped his coffee cup to his lips and took a sip. “He's really taken to school. I don't even think he's planning to come home for Thanksgiving.” And then, as if it struck him that he should be polite, he added, “Thanks for asking.”

I waited for more. I wanted so much more. But that was all Sheriff Hamrick was going to give me. He had already turned so his back was to me.

“Well, please tell him I said hello, okay?”

Sheriff Hamrick nodded. I knew he wouldn't say it. He had no reason to. He didn't want any part of Aberdeen holding his son back. Not his dead mother and especially not me. That was his M.O. from the very beginning. And maybe Levi was better off.

All I could do was hope Levi understood why I'd stolen that map from his father's office. That even though I'd had my dad's back in that moment, I was thinking of him, too.

I made my way over to the new operations building, where I found Governor Ward mid-speech, gesturing toward the long plank of concrete floating atop the river in the far distance. He was boasting about the special “mini-museum” he'd commissioned, a room dedicated to the history of Aberdeen curated by an actual professor of history at the city university and generously funded by the developers of his now-revived waterfront development deal.

Gag me, please.

I hung toward the back of his crowd and looked out at the water. There was nothing familiar to see from this angle. We were upstream, across the river from what had been the north end of Aberdeen, about a half mile away from where the old mill used to be. And you couldn't see much besides the water.

After Governor Ward snipped a silk ribbon to polite applause from the crowd, the Ridgewood High School band kicked into a muted version of our national anthem. People turned and dispersed.

I stood there for a second as the realization hit me.

This was it.

The end.

Really, truly, the end.

The dam held back the water, but everything inside me was breaching the wall. I turned away and hustled, beating everyone back to the riverbank.

I'd picked the wrong guy.

I'd lost my best friend.

And now I wouldn't even have my hometown to go to again.

I had so many regrets. So many. I should have been a better friend. I should have been honest with Levi, let him in.

But maybe I'd done one thing right.

If Governor Ward had kept his promise, it would have made stealing the plans worth it. I'd believed him when he said he would. But the governor was also a shady guy. Clearly. Our former mayor was now an executive at the waterfront redevelopment corporation. I hadn't ever heard anything about those graves, where they were supposedly being moved to. There was no way for me to check.

I walked down to the water. There were kids playing there, their faces painted like different animals. A game of tag was in progress. They used me as a block. A girl with tiger cheeks was after a boy with bird feathers. He darted behind a shed and she ran for him, pounding the ground in a circle.

The shed, it hit me, looked exactly like the one Levi had opened when he and I paddled out to the Aberdeen movie theater.

What if I could prove to Levi that he did matter to me? He'd pretended not to care what happened to his mom's grave, but I knew deep down that was bullcrap. Self-preserving bullcrap, which I was the queen of.

I had to see if Governor Ward had kept his word, even though I'd already lost everything.

The graveyard was on a hill. There was a chance the water hadn't covered it yet. I could see if it had been dug up. It he kept his word, it would be a field of holes.