‘Vandals?’ I asked, somewhat dubiously.
Detective Norton stared at me as though I were an imbecile.
‘Talons, Miss Strange,
talons
. This van was taken from Gloucester last night and turns up here. When the fire services arrived they were positive there were no wheel tracks; if you look here . . .’
He indicated an area of damage to the rear of the truck, which had been heavily stoved in – the back axle had almost been torn off.
‘It looks as though the truck was dropped from a great height.’
‘So what are you saying?’ I asked him.
‘You tell me, Miss Dragonslayer. Looks as though Maltcassion picked up this van, tried to fly with it back to the Dragonlands but dropped it on the way. To try and disguise the crime, he torched it.’
‘A truck hardly counts as livestock, does it?’
‘A technicality. The Dragonpact cites damage to
property
as a punishable offence. I think what we’ve got here is a rogue Dragon.’
‘That’s sort of far fetched,’ I said, trying to play the incident down. It was a serious accusation. A rogue Dragon was a Dragon out of control; one that had transgressed the rules of the Dragonpact. Such a Dragon could legally be destroyed. That’s the trouble with premonitions; they have an annoying habit of coming true.
‘Did anyone see it?’
Norton looked at his feet.
‘No.’
‘Anyone hear anything, see it being flown out here?’
‘No.’
‘Then by the rules of the Dragonpact I’m going to have to see at least two other uncorroborated incidents of Dragonattack before I can even consider this a rogue Dragon.’
Norton rounded on me angrily.
‘It’s pretty clear cut—!’
‘Then
you
punish him, Norton,’ I responded. ‘I’m going to need to see better evidence than this.’
I left Norton, lifted the ‘do not cross’ tape and was instantly assailed by a wall of journalists.
‘Was this an attack by a Dragon?’ asked a reporter from
The Whelk
.
‘Unlikely.’
‘How could you know it wasn’t Maltcassion?’
‘I didn’t say it wasn’t.’
‘Is it true that you studied zoology at GCSE level?’
‘It is.’
‘And that you once gave money to the Endangered Buzonji Fund?’
‘Many people do.’
‘And you aim to study Maltcassion?’
‘If I can.’
‘Then you have a vested interest in keeping the Dragon alive?’
‘What are you saying?’ I asked, scarcely able to believe where this questioning was going.
‘We’re wondering whether you are qualified to make an objective decision on Dragondeath. Perhaps in light of your dubious conflict of interests you had best leave Dragonslaying to someone else. We understand Sir Matt Grifflon has just held a press conference in which he stated his eagerness to assume your duties; has he contacted you?’
I didn’t answer and another reporter took a turn as I walked in the direction of the Rolls-Royce.
‘Sophie Trotter of the UKBC,’ announced the reporter. ‘Miss Strange, does the prospect of having to carry out your duty fill you with trepidation?’
‘It won’t come to that.’
‘But if Maltcassion reneges on the Dragonpact, you will act to destroy him?’
‘If he does, I will carry out my duty.’
‘Do you think King Snodd’s declaration of “no confidence” in your abilities will make you reconsider your decision to resign?’
I stopped so fast the pack of journalists nearly walked into the back of me.
‘King Snodd said that?’
‘At Sir Matt Grifflon’s press conference late last night. He called for your resignation and endorsed Sir Matt taking your place. Such an undertaking is allowed under the Dragonslayer’s charter, we take it?’
‘I can transfer my calling . . . but only to a
knight
,’ I murmured, realising that I was being steadily outmanoeuvred.
‘So will you be resigning?’
‘Listen,’ I replied somewhat testily, ‘I am the last Dragonslayer. I will uphold the rule of law as laid down by the Dragonpact of 1607 to the best of my abilities. I have no plans to do otherwise. Excuse me.’
I climbed aboard the armoured Rolls-Royce. Gordon van Gordon was in the driver’s seat and we pulled away from the mob and headed back to town.
‘Are you all right?’ he asked.
‘Sure. I was hoping to be able to study Maltcassion at my leisure; that hope is rapidly fading.’
Gordon nodded in the direction of the truck.
‘What was all that about?’
‘Villiers thought it was a Dragonattack; talon marks on an eighteen-wheeler. Even if it was Maltcassion – which I doubt – it isn’t enough to have him destroyed. If he does it several times, then I might have to do something. The good thing is that no one was killed. So long as no lives are lost, I can drag this out for a month at least.’
‘So who if not Maltcassion?’
‘Who knows? Both Hereford and Brecon could have done it. The Dragonlands are of great strategic importance to them both. I’ve got no way of knowing who is telling the truth. Brecon says he doesn’t want the land at all and is fearful of being invaded, whereas King Snodd is convinced that he wants to take over the whole area. I don’t know who to believe, so I’ve cancelled them both out like opposite ends of an equation. I’ll have to judge all this on merit as we go along.’
I lapsed into silence as we drove back to the Dragonstation. There were a lot of reporters there too, but I avoided them all as Gordon drove me straight into the garage. The news of my refusal to kill the Dragon without corroboration spread quickly and I had to leave the phone off the hook after some unpleasant calls. A jeering mob started to yell outside the Dragonstation that I was a coward or something, which went on for an hour until some animal-rights campaigners turned up on my behalf. There was a short battle and the police waded in with water cannon and tear gas. I don’t think anyone was hurt but a brick came through the front window.
‘Tea?’ said Gordon with a masterful piece of good timing. ‘I’ve made a cake, too.’
‘Thank you.’
Mr Hawker
I was reading
The Dragonslayer’s Manual
over breakfast and had just got to the bit about using a banana to sharpen Exhorbitus when there was a sharp rap at the door. I opened it to reveal a small man dressed in a worn suit. He was flanked by two huge men whose knuckles almost touched the ground.
‘Yes?’
‘Miss Strange, Dragonslayer?’
‘Yes, yes?’
‘My name is Mr Hawker. I represent the Hawker & Sidderley debt collection agency.’
The alarm bells started ringing. I had expected King Snodd to make life difficult, but this was not what I had anticipated. Hawker handed me a sheath of papers, all headed with the Kingdom’s judicial seal and looking terribly formal. I was in no doubt that it was all official, very legal, and wholly dishonest.
‘What does it mean?’ I asked Hawker, who seemed to be enjoying himself.
‘This property has been given rent free by the Kingdom for almost three hundred years,’ he explained. ‘We have discovered that this was a clerical error.’
‘And you found out just this morning, I suppose?’
‘Indeed. Back rent, back electricity bills, gas bills, rates, you name it. Three hundred years’ worth.’
‘I’ve only been here two days.’
Hawker – and the King’s advisers, presumably – had already thought of that.
‘As Dragonslayer you are legally responsible for yourself and the previous members of your calling. The Kingdom has been generous for many years, but feels now that circumstances have changed.’
He looked at me with a smile.
‘You owe us 97,482 moolah, and forty-three pence.’
I patted my pockets, drew out some change and handed it to the debt collector, who wasn’t laughing.
‘Now how much do I owe you?’
‘I think you fail to appreciate the seriousness of the situation, Miss Strange. I have a warrant for your arrest if you do not pay the monies owed. Failure to pay will result in you being jailed for debt.’
He obviously meant it. I could only assume that the King thought a brief stay in jail would make me more compliant. But I wasn’t about to be arrested just like that. I asked Mr Hawker to wait and called Gordon to fetch the accounts. Brian Spalding had said we had funds available in the bank.
‘How long do I have to pay?’
The debt collector smiled and one of his heavies started cracking his knuckles.
‘We’re not totally devoid of a sense of fair play,’ replied Hawker with a gloat. ‘Ten minutes.’
‘Well?’ I said to Gordon, who had returned with the bank statements.
‘Not too good, ma’am,’ he said. ‘It seems we have a fraction under two hundred moolah.’
‘Oh dear,’ said Hawker. ‘Officers, arrest her.’
The policemen stepped forward but I raised a hand.
‘Wait!’
They stopped.
‘I thought you said I had ten minutes?’
Hawker gave a rare smile and checked his watch.
‘Think you can raise a hundred thousand in, let’s see . . . eight minutes?’
I thought quickly.
‘Well,’ I replied, ‘actually, I rather think I can.’
Maltcassion again
An hour later I was heading off to the Dragonlands again, the Rolls-Royce bedecked with Fizzi-Pop stickers. Painted on the door was a big sign saying:
Dragonslayer
Personally sponsored by
Fizzi-Pop, Inc.
The Drink of Champions
Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do for the greater good. After Mr Hawker’s warning I had dashed out and collared the Fizzi-Pop representative who had been camping outside the Dragonstation. He and his opposite number at Yummy-Flakes breakfast cereals had quickly called their bosses and bid over the phone for my endorsement of their product. Yummy-Flakes had pulled out at M95,000 but Fizzi-Pop had gone all the way to my asking price of M100,000. It was a simple deal: I was to wear one of their hats and jackets whenever in public, and the Slayermobile had to be similarly adorned. I had to appear in five commercials and do nothing to impinge on the good name of the product. The alternative was debtor’s prison so I didn’t have much choice. Hawker, as you might expect, was furious. He had called his lawyers and tried to find a way round the problem, but this was something they had not expected. It wasn’t the end of it, I could see that, but at least it was the first round to me. And actually, I quite liked Fizzi-Pop.
I saw as I approached that even more people had gathered at the Dragonlands. Just behind the marker stones there was now a 500-yard-deep swathe of tents, mobile eateries, toilets, marquees, first-aid posts and parked cars. The word was spreading, and citizens were arriving from the farthest kingdoms of the land. It was rumoured that claimants were arriving from the Continent and masquerading as unUK citizens in order to be able to stake a claim. A coachload of Danes had been detained at Oxford, a boot-load of rollmop herrings having given them away.
Sunday at noon was a little over twenty-four hours away, and if the premonition came true there would be an unseemly rush to claim everything there was as soon as the force-field was down. It was estimated that a total of approximately 6.2 million people would claim the 350 square miles in under four hours, and the vast majority would be disappointed. The injury rate was pegged at about two hundred thousand, and the fight over land would, it was thought, lead to an estimated three thousand deaths.
I bumped on to the Dragonland and drove up the hill towards Maltcassion’s lair. It was a beautiful day and peace and tranquillity still reigned within the lands. Birds were busy building nests and wild bees buzzed among the wild flowers, which grew in cheerful profusion on the unspoilt land. I found Maltcassion scratching his back against an old oak that bent and creaked under his weight.
‘Hello, Miss Strange!’ he said in a cheerful tone. ‘What brings you here?’
‘To speak with you.’
‘Well, cheer up, old girl, your face looks long enough to reach your feet!’
‘You don’t know what’s going on out there!’ I replied miserably, waving my hand in the direction of the outside world.
‘Oh, but I do,’ replied Maltcassion. ‘You can see the visible spectrum of light, can’t you? Violet to red, yes?’
I nodded and sat down on a stone.
‘A pretty poor selection, I should think!’ said the Dragon, stopping his scratching, much to the relief of the oak tree. ‘I can see
much
farther; past visible light and into both ends of the electromagnetic spectrum.’
‘I don’t understand,’ I said, poking at the dry earth with a stick.
‘Put it this way,’ continued Maltcassion. ‘Only seeing the visible part of the spectrum is like listening to a symphony and hearing only the kettle drums. Let me describe what
I
can see: at the slow end of the spectrum lie the languorous long radio waves that move like cold serpents. Next are the bright blasts of medium and short radio waves that occasionally burst from the sun. I can see the pulse of radar that appears over the hills like the beam of a lighthouse and I can see the strange point-sources of your mobile phones, like raindrops striking a pond. I can see the buzz of microwaves and the strange thermal images of the low infrared. Beyond this is the visible spectrum that we share; then we are off again, past blue and out beyond violet to the ultraviolet. We go past google rays and manta rays and then shorter still to the curious world of the X-ray, where everything bar the most dense materials are transparent. I had a cousin once who claimed he could see beyond X-rays and into the realm of the gamma, but to be frank I have my doubts. I can see all this, a beautiful and radiant world quite outside your understanding. But it’s not all just for fun. You see this?’