Read The Last Testament: A Memoir Online
Authors: God,David Javerbaum
Tags: #General, #Humor, #Literary Criticism, #Religion, #American, #Topic
4
But we were wrong; it is the lines on homosexuality that proved most contentious; so let me first express my appreciation for the fact that, more than 3,000 years after the writing of the Old Testament, so many of you still regard its words as the final arbiter of morality.
5
Thou art right to do so; for my injunctions on sexual intercourse, and dietary laws, and menstruation, and the need to sacrifice bulls with grain offerings of three-tenths of an
ephah
of the finest flour mixed with half a
hin
of olive oil, and the right and wrong ways to sell thine own daughters into sexual slavery, are not the product of a particular group of people in a particular place at a particular time;
6
They are timeless.
7
The
last
thing thou shouldst ever do, is create thine own set of moral values based on the realities of the world in which thou actually livest.
8
But there has been a fundamental misinterpretation regarding the specific verses thought to condemn homosexuality in Leviticus: “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind; it [is] abomination,” and “If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death.”
9
In retrospect, I understand how “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind” could be seen as a proscription against homosexuality, among those of a predisposition to find it so; yet that is not what was meant.
10
What was meant is this:
11
If thou art a man, and thou seest another man that thou desirest, do not cut off his genitals, use a knife to carve a slit where they were, and insert thyself into it, that thou mayest “lie” with him as thou wouldst a woman.
12
Surely even the gayest among you would agree that
that
is detestable.
13
I have already shown how I created Adam and Steve; and to those who say, “If God wanted us all to be gay, he would have created us with both male and female sex organs,” I say, “Yea; but if I did not want
any
of you to be gay, I would not have made the male anus so accommodating to the erect penis.”
14
And to those who say, “Homosexuality is a sin, because it goes against God’s directive to be fruitful and multiply,” I have already conceded the point biologically; but I would note that creatively speaking, gays have it all over straight people, fruitfulness-wise;
15
And as for multiplying, though it is true they cannot reproduce by themselves, nowhere do I forbid them from receiving help in bearing young from other members of their communities;
16
Such as donors, or surrogates, or a female best friend who neareth 40 and hath not yet found her perfect breeding partner, and whineth continually of the slow beshadowing of her biological sundial.
17
Besides, it is an undeniable fact that those clergymen harshest in their condemnation of gays and lesbians are often those struggling hardest against their own hidden urges; which is why they cannot even preach straight.
18
It was certainly true in regard to the serpent in the Garden; and it has certainly been true of many other “men of God” in all three of my great religions who have spoken out against homosexuality.
19
Joel Osteen, for instance; he is gay.
20
(Note that I do not say he has committed homosexual acts, for that could be shown to be demonstrably true or false; I simply say that, in the secret recesses of his heart, Joel Osteen yearns for the tender touch of another man.
21
This is subjective, intangible, and my opinion, and said without actionable malice, divine or legal.)
22
Verily, I hope I have made myself clear on this issue.
23
I have been accused of many things in my day, and of some rightly; but I am in no way homophobic.
24
Gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered; ye are all equally smiteable in my eyes.
CHAPTER 15
1
W
hich brings me to Sodom; where it is true that the custom of male homosexuality was prevalent.
2
(Even then the word “sodomy” was used to refer to it, though not as a noun but an adjective; as when two men would draw unusually close in a tent, and an onlooker would say, “Is it just me, or is it getting sodomy in here?”)
3
But that is not why I punished Sodom; and it is certainly not why I punished Gomorrah; which had hardly anything by way of a gay scene, except for one clandestine tavern operating on weekends, The Fire and Rimstone.
4
No; the reason Sodom and Gomorrah had to be destroyed was simple: they were the twin hubs of a massive international money-laundering operation.
5
The plan was cunning: a bandit would come to the cities with stolen merchandise; he would take it to one of the many retailers in the bazaar, then offer to barter it for a small “legitimate” ware, such as pottery or some cloth; this ware being offered at an extremely high price, in effect the merchant’s “cleaning fee.”
6
The bandit would then hand over all his goods; and the storekeeper would give him the ware, and return his “change” to him in untraceable coins.
7
Thus, the bandit cameled away with “clean” money, and a record of a seemingly lawful commercial transaction; while the merchant was left with a whole new cache of stolen goods to resell—and be restolen yet again by his cohort, the bandit;
8
For, as thou mayest have guessed, they were in cahoots.
9
Nearly every citizen of Sodom and Gomorrah was in on this scheme; it was a criminal enterprise unparalleled in scope, and it may put it in perspective if I reveal that, in 1653 B.C. alone, the dishonest tradesmen of the two cities collectively laundered over 5,000 shekels.
10
That is not a misprint:
5,000
shekels.
11
The two towns were corrupt to their marrow, and I had no qualms about ordering them destroyed; but I knew good old Vacant Lot lived in Sodom along with his two daughters and his wife, Trish.
12
(Yea; her name is not given in Genesis, but it was Trish.
13
Not short for Patricia, either; just Trish.)
14
And two angels came to Lot’s house, and he showed them his usual brand of oafish hospitality; until the crowd gathered outside, and demanded that they come out, “so that they might know them”; wicked behavior, for it would have not only been rape, but, the worst kind of rape: angel-rape.
15
Truly, thou dost not wish to know what eternity holds in store for angel-rapists.
16
And as it saith, Lot spoke through the closed door, “I have two daughters which have known not man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing, for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof.”
17
I wish I could convey to thee in words the look on Lot’s daughters’ faces at that moment.
18
But they were spared this fate; for the angels afflicted the rabble with blindness, and assisted the family’s escape; and as soon as they had left, Sodom and Gomorrah were utterly obliterated: fire and brimstone rained down upon them, and their buildings were reduced to rubble, and their people consumed in flame.
19
It was a shocking event, and for decades afterward everyone in the Jordan River valley could remember exactly what they were doing when they heard the news.
20
“Verily,” one might recall, “I had just finished butchering ten ewes, and was in my slaves’ quarters assaulting my wife’s Zimranite wet nurse Blimshur, when Shazran the drovesman ran in with rent loincloth, and assailed me with the first reports of the woeful tidings;
21
And I broke down and wept; for I had lost what I only now knew had been my most treasured possession . . . my innocence.”
22
Of course, thou knowest what became of Trish; the angels gave strict instructions that none of Lot’s family look back upon the destruction, but she could not resist the temptation; she peered back, and turned into a pillar of salt.
23
Within two minutes of which, Lot had licked her more than he had in their previous 28 years of marriage.
CHAPTER 16
1
A
braham was a worthy patriarch; upright and courageous, and brave, and kind; a great man; and more than that, a humble man; a nice man; just a really, really good guy; Abraham = total sweetheart.
2
But he could be quick-witted and argumentative; and I remember many a lively discussion between us wherein he would express his disagreement over a point of protocol or dogma; which I graciously allowed him to do, smite-free.
3
For example, after I commanded him regarding the new ritual of circumcision, and how it was to be mandatory for his descendants, he said, “L
ORD
, distinguishing the Chosen People from all other tribes through a physical modification denoting our special covenant, is most wise.
4
My only thought is: what if, instead of circumcision for eight-day-old boys;
5
What if we made it breast augmentation for 17-year-old girls?”
6
We debated this point for the better part of two weeks; the argument swung one way, then the other; circumcision, breast augmentation; breast augmentation, circumcision; each had much to recommend it.
7
For he conceded that circumcision would be a meaningful cultural tradition bridging generations; and I conceded that breast augmentation would be helpful in both recruiting new members, and creating them.
8
But at the end of the debate I clung to my original choice; and lo, 3,600 years later, the Jewish people not only still practice circumcision, it remains central to their sense of identity.
9
Male Jews: you’re welcome.
10
Another time I came to Abraham in a dream, and told him of his people’s future: how before they became a great nation, they would serve as slaves in Egypt for 400 years.
11
“God,” he said, “I must ask: if thou knowest this in advance, why canst thou not keep it from happening, thereby sparing my descendants four centuries of affliction?