Authors: Shey Stahl
“Maybe
I’ve had a little too much,” Sway hiccupped agreeing with me some five minutes
later. Aiden handed her another drink from what looked like his own stash. Emma
laughed and snapped a picture of Sway.
Convinced
this was Emma’s fault that we were now stuck in a raft in the middle of the
river, I gave her a piece of my mind. “I will never vacation with you again,
Emma.”
“Whatever.
That was hardly my fault. You should have taken the map he handed to you.”
“I heard
that!” Sway waved her fifth coconut drink around splashing me in the face.
Great, now
I not only had sand on my skin but now I had sticky coconut on me, fantastic.
“Someone
get control over her.” I mumbled wiping my face with my shirt.
“She’s
your wife.” Aiden pointed out.
“Yeah, but
you gave her that drink, or drinks in this case. Don’t think this isn’t on you
two.”
“Do you
think there are sharks in there?” Sway peeked over the side of the raft.
“No, it’s
a river.” Aiden told her looking over the side himself. “At least I don’t think
there is.”
“Why do
you care if there are sharks?” I asked lifting my head from the edge of the
raft that I was using as a pillow.
“Because,”
Sway stood up and then tumbled on top of me from all the alcohol and Benadryl.
“I’m going to swim to shore.”
“I don’t
think so honey.” I chuckled adjusting her on my lap, the thought crossed my
mind that she was perfectly positioned for align boring, but sadly, our family
was here. “You’ve had too much to drink.”
Setting
Sway back in front of me, I tossed the oars to Aiden, I said, “here, help me
and we can get back to shore.”
Working
together or at least I thought we were it must have occurred to Aiden that we
had made no progress.
“Jameson,”
Aiden yelled from his place at the front of the raft. “You’re supposed to be
rowing the same direction as me!”
“I can’t
see what way you’re rowing!” I yelled back watching Sway closely to make sure
her drunken ass stayed put. She was still looking over the side of the raft
searching for a shark.
Emma
thought it would be a good idea to come back and see what I was doing and why
we weren’t moving.
“Don’t
come back here. Stay up there. You’ll throw off the weight balance.”
Before I
could finish my sentence, Emma fell into the side of the raft and cut a hole in
the side. Aiden fell in the water next and started swimming to shore.
“You guys
are so stupid.” He mumbled.
Emma and
Sway fell out next and then before I knew it, we were all in the water.
I looked
at Emma who was treading water in a manner that seemed as if she was drowning.
“You’re a dick.” I told her and swam over to her intending on drowning her tiny
ass. She grabbed my shoulders pushing my whole head under.
“I’m not a
fucking floating device. Stop that!”
Emma
dunked me once more.
“Kids!”
I heard
Aiden call out. “Stop trying to kill each other. We need to find that tour
guide.”
I noticed
the cool water turn warm a little too quickly. “Are you peeing?” I asked in
complete horror.
“Yes.”
Emma answered too calmly.
We tried
to swim to shore but it was a river and the current wasn’t easy to swim
against. Mostly because my sister had, decided to act as if she was a goddamn
chimpanzee and clung to my back.
“You are
by far the most useless person in this family Emma!” I said to her when she bit
my shoulder and told me to swim faster.
“You know
what, Jameson?” Aiden butted in not knowing that his wife was attacking me. How
could he know? He was spending entirely too much time using a turtle to get to
shore. I wanted to tell him that they bite but instead, after Emma bit me, I
felt he needed to find that out on his own. “Let’s focus on finding that
useless fucking tour guide and get the hell out of here.” Aiden yelled over his
shoulder. “We’re all doing our best.”
“You’re
right.” Then I smacked Emma on the back of the head when Aiden wasn’t looking.
“Let’s find that useless fucking tour guide.”
At some
point during this ordeal, Emma and I had separated from Sway and Aiden and they
seemed to be closer to shore than we were, probably because I was swimming for
two.
I kept
looking around hoping I would see a rescue raft but saw nothing but turtles. I
couldn’t understand why they were in a river. Didn’t they prefer oceans?
“It’s like
the time we went camping in Dayton Peak.”
I glanced
over my shoulder at Emma, still piggybacking, in shock. “You and I apparently
remember that night very differently.”
“How so?”
“Well, for
one…we were in the woods.” Water splashed me in the face when Emma tried to
help us by flailing her arms. “We’re in a tropical paradise here and there are
no cougars. Turtles and strange birds yes, but no cougars, thank god. Stop
trying to help. You’re not.”
“Turtles
bite. You know that, right?”
“I do
know—”
“I think I
see him!” Sway announced. “It’s him!”
I craned my
neck to see what she saw. It was Tour Ted standing on the white sandy shore
with a stick in hand, smiling.
“How was
your trip? Did you guys bond well?”
It was
clear to me right then that motherfucker planned this and I had something to
say about it. When we reached the shore, I got up intending to beat the shit
out of him when Emma kicked her leg out and tripped me.
With a
face full of sand I said, “You are the world’s worst tour guide!”
“Jameson!”
Sway chastised my tone of voice.
“What? We
paid him to get lost. That’s not good.”
Tour Ted
defended himself by saying it was a good experience for us but I lost interest.
I think I
had become so disoriented and tired that I think I eventually gave up and laid
in the sand staring at the blue sky. Worst mistake ever.
As Tour
Ted and Aiden prepared the raft and its hole so we could return to San Jose, I
kept my place in the sand. I wasn’t helping. Sway sat down beside me, her hand
rested on my stomach. “I won’t plan anymore activities.”
“You
better not.” I turned on my side eventually intending to get up when I felt
something touch my bare foot and then a sharp pain shot through my entire leg.
When I
jerked my leg back, I kicked Sway in the thigh. She screamed, and then I
screamed when I saw a fucking turtle looking at me. “You are not one with
nature!” Sway yelled at me holding her own leg.
Emma and
Aiden looked back and forth between our faces, confused and wary. Emma spotted
the turtle before Aiden did and fell next to him in a fit of laughter holding
her stomach. “I told you they bite!”
“Am I
missing something?” Aiden scratched his mop of California blonde hair. “Why are
you bleeding?”
Sway
looked up at me laying there like a rape victim and then rolled her eyes and
grabbed another drink from her bag. “You’re such a mess.”
Holding my
side, I tried to catch my breath and explain what happened to Aiden but
couldn’t get it out. “I…you…Sway…turtle…shit.”
With a
cocky attitude, that goddamn turtle glared with part of my flesh in his mouth.
I swear to god that he fucking glared. Okay, maybe he didn’t have any flesh in
his mouth but it sure, as shit looked like it. Here it was, another vacation,
and I was being attacked by the wild life.
Awesome
.
I looked down
to see the damage and there it was, a big gaping turtle bite.
No one
cared about my turtle bite but me and acted as if it was just your average
scrap. It wasn’t and I was in need of medical attention. At least I thought
that.
When we
weren’t getting back to San Jose quick enough, I voiced my concern once again.
“What’s
the problem exactly?” I asked rather annoyed, but I didn’t care. I just wanted
to get back to the hotel so I could get this fucking sand off me and clean my
leg up. I was sure I would get some sort of flesh eating disease or infection
from this. For someone who has skin issues, an infection is pretty much life
ending.
“Okay, you
know what asshole? Just because you got bit by a turtle doesn’t mean you have
to make the rest of us miserable.” Emma said, getting angry. “We all want to go
home.” Once she finished her rant, she propped herself against Aiden’s shoulder
as if she was going to sleep.
I tried to
tell Sway how unreasonable everyone was being. I was injured. Surely, I was in
need of urgent medical care.
“You’ve
got just as many issues as him.” Sway said to Emma, ignoring me altogether, and
laughed from the other side of Aiden. Her eyes found mine. “You kicked me,
remember?”
“Because I
was bitten by a turtle,” I added holding my leg. “It wasn’t on purpose.”
Emma
didn’t waste any time before she was pulling Sway’s hair for her previous
comment and trying to push my drunken wife from the boat.
“See what
you’ve done?” Aiden groaned at me. “You’ve created a war.”
“Whatever.”
I shrugged rummaging through the rest of the alcohol.
We
eventually arrived back in San Jose and returned to our hotel rooms after I
threatened to kill Tour Ted. Sway kindly told me I should spend the rest of the
evening in our room.
“I think,”
Emma smacked Sway’s shoulder as we stood in the lobby of the hotel deciding on
dinner. “That this isn’t a one drink night. You got shit faced and hired Tour
Ted from hell. We need this! Let’s go eat and see what happens.”
“Do you
remember the last time we said that? Your mom ended up with a tattoo on her
lower back and in jail because of you.” Sway reminded her holding me up. I was
still very much concerned with my wound and in my mind; I shouldn’t have to be
supporting all of my weight on it.
“I’m
hungry.” I announced though no one paid any attention to me.
“I’m
hungry too.” Aiden said nodding to me.
At least
he heard me.
“Yeah,
let’s get food.” Emma said looking to
Sway
for
confirmation and ignoring me when I pushed her. “Listen asshole,” Emma got
right in my face. “Just because you were bit doesn’t mean you get to be a jerk.
Stop pushing me.”
“Fine,
let’s go eat. I’m starving.”
Sway shook
her head. “You need to clean your leg up and then we will decide.”
“But I’m
hungry.” I was all for cleaning up by it had been hours since I last ate and I
was becoming more and more delirious to the point where I couldn’t feel my
entire leg.
Sway shot
me a look and naturally, I looked the other way finding the wall more
interesting, “Fine.”
I decided
it was time to focus on the task at hand. Getting my leg cleaned and then I
could eat dinner.
Sway
helped me to our room, holding me up in the doorframe. “Don’t move and Jesus
Christ Jameson, support your weight. You’re not dying and I can’t carry your
two-hundred pound body.”
“I can’t
put pressure on it.” I whined pushing out my bottom lip. “It hurts and I think
I need emergency one-on-one care…from you,” I whispered in her ear.
Fumbling
with the key in the door, I chuckled at her determination. “Do you remember
when I was fumbling with a key in the door and you were supporting yourself in
a doorframe?”
“Yeah, you
knocked me up that night.” She huffed pushing the door open. “Now go get in the
shower.”
I stood
straight and saluted her, “Yes, ma’am.”
Sway
helped me with my shower and rid the offensive sand from my skin. She gave me
the one-on-one attention I needed in the form of some micro polishing too and
then bandaged up my leg.
“How did
you get so good at playing nurse?” I asked sticking a straw in the bottle of
Jack Daniels I found in the refrigerator.
“I have
two boys that managed to break every bone in their bodies and a little girl
that has no fear. I’ve had my fair share of nursing experience. And don’t
forget,” she pulled the leg of my pants over the bandage and kissed it softly.
“I’m married to you.”
“You’re
the best wife.” I cooed and she grabbed the bottle.
“Come on
champ.” She held her hands out to me. “Let’s get some food in you.”
I did get
food in me but I insisted on drinking because of my pain level. No way in hell
was I getting any prescription drugs in another country so I stuck to liquid.
“Give me
that bottle!” Sway yelled when I told the waiter what I thought of his waiting
skills.
“Okay,
let’s think rationally.” Aiden said, stepping in and replacing my bottle of
Tequila I found in the bar with a bottle of water. “Someone should take that
away from him.”