Authors: Lisa Roecker
I rode home in a fog of depression. It felt familiar. Comforting. Like slipping back into my favorite pair of perfectly broken-in jeans. I’d get home, return Grace’s pearls to my memory box, and shove them to the back of my closet. I had failed her; I didn’t deserve her necklace.
But I wasn’t the same girl I had been a year ago. I had been through hell and back, and if there’s one thing I’d learned on the journey, it’s that I wasn’t going down without a fight. Another one. The fog began to lift.
After suffering through an almost hour-long lecture from my parents about letting go once and for all and having them threaten me with twice-a-week Dr. P. sessions, I was ready to take their advice and move on. Since no one believed me, it was time to take matters into my own hands and find real evidence. Again.
I gave my parents another hour to cool down and then grabbed my book bag, headed downstairs, and put my phone to my ear to begin a faux phone conversation with Seth. I wrapped Grace’s pearls around my fingers like a telephone cord. My dad took one look at me and raised an eyebrow.
“Hang on a second. Let me ask.” I covered my phone with my palm. “Dad, can I go to the library with Seth?”
He sighed and shook his head. “Tell Seth you’ll call him back.”
Not the answer I was expecting. I pretended to hang up with Seth and dropped my book bag, slumping into the chair next to my dad.
“Kate, just this morning I was listening to how my daughter was involved in some sort of knife fight, and now you want to go the library with Seth?”
I blinked long and hard.
“I want to trust you. I want you to go to the library and do all the normal things kids your age are doing. But how can I?”
I forced myself to look into his eyes. I wanted to tell him the truth, had tried to tell them the truth, but there was no point. No one would ever believe me.
“I’m ready to move on, Dad. I want to be normal too.” The lie tasted bitter on my tongue.
“Then call Seth back,” he said, putting his hand on top of my own.
I kissed him on the cheek and connected to my second fake call of the day.
It took some convincing, but I insisted on walking instead of being driven by my dad. I had quite a hike in front of me, but I needed the fresh air. The wind bit at my face and hands, reminding me that even colder weather would arrive like an icy sucker punch in a few weeks. The sky was crystal blue, and the bare branches looked as though they’d been etched into the clouds.
As I made my way across the greenish-brown expanse of lawn in front of Pemberly Brown’s main building, I knew without looking that my cheeks were flushed from the cold. I was ready to take a break from the cool air…well, if I could get in.
I pounded down the stairs to the basement of the clock tower. I might have lost all my evidence against the societies, but it didn’t matter. I would just have to start all over again. Grace was worth it. I punched in the word M-E-A-S-U-R-E, waiting for the satisfying pop of the secret door. But the only thing that popped were the letters, one by one, marking my failure. I tried again and again and again. Fail, fail, fail.
I walked over to the door that led to the tunnels, but there was nothing but smooth stone. Access to the tunnels had either been removed or had disappeared. It was like the door had never existed in the first place.
I struggled to catch my breath. Could I really have made all of this up? The police had to keep records. Maybe I could somehow convince them to give me back all the evidence I’d turned over to them. The other entrances couldn’t be sealed. I knew all of the stations; surely I could figure out a way back into one of them. As I gasped for air, I could almost feel Alistair’s body pressing into my chest again. I could see the triumph in his eyes.
My fingers found the brick wall surrounding me, and I used it for support as I lowered my body to the ground. This was yet another opportunity for me to use Dr. Prozac’s infamous time-out approach, and I was all over it. I closed my eyes, shutting out memories one by one until the world disappeared and a calmness washed over me. It actually worked. Who knew?
Once my pulse had slowed and my breathing was under control, I began to walk up the stairs from the basement of the tower. I heard heavy footsteps closing in behind me, but I refused to look back until the sunshine had embraced me once again. At the top, when I finally turned back around, no one was there.
I rushed out of the clock tower and around the corner, and this time I did run into someone. But not who I expected.
Ms. D.
“Kate! Are you okay? I heard all about the incident in the tunnels last night.” Her face was lined with concern, her lips drawn in a tight line.
“I’m fine. I just…” I don’t know where they came from, but the tears of frustration finally began to fall. “I lost, Dorothy. I was so close…I almost had them. But I lost.”
Her solid arms wrapped me up in a huge bear hug. “It’s okay, darlin’. They don’t fight fair—never have, never will. But that doesn’t mean we stop trying. I fought long and hard, and I lost too.” She gestured at her security badge. “But I’m still fighting. Every day, Kate.”
I nodded and dried my tears. She was right. This was far from over. For me, the fight had only just begun.
I sat on the swing hanging from our front porch for so long that my thighs ached against the hard wood. When I saw the Jeep pull into my driveway, I tried to smile. Tried to be happy to see him, to be normal.
Lucky for me, Liam made it easy. When he hopped out of the car carrying a bouquet of bright pink Gerbera daisies, my fake smile transformed into a genuine one.
“I thought you might need some cheering up,” he said, handing me the flowers. The bruise around his eye was still a brilliant purple. I’d never be able to forget the sight of him lying collapsed in the tunnels after his fight with Alistair.
I inhaled the daisies’ fresh smell in an attempt to forget.
“Thank you. They’re perfect. They’re my favorites. How’d you know?”
“I didn’t. They just sort of looked like you. Plus they were the only ones at the grocery store.”
“Come on, sit down,” I said and slid over.
Liam flung his arm around me, and I laid my head on his shoulder, inhaling the scent of him. “So…how are you holding up?”
“I just can’t believe it, you know? How could this have happened? Can the police really get away with ignoring the testimony of three different people?” I felt tears of frustration prick my eyes again. How could I have failed Grace like this?
“I don’t know, but I do know that these societies have connections, so it’s possible.”
“They need to pay.” I rolled Grace’s pearls between my fingers.
“You need to stay out of this now, Kate. They’re dangerous.” He looked directly at me, and I knew in an instant that he was really seeing me—not just my eyes, my crazy pink hair, or even the almost invisible line of freckles that was scattered over the bridge of my nose, but me. “I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I went back there to the clock tower.” I avoided Liam’s eyes.
“Are you insane? How could you go there alone? You’ve got to be kidding me, Kate. Do you want to get yourself killed?” His face was bright red, and he threw my hand down like it was on fire.
“I tried to get into the tunnels, but they’ve sealed the entrance. It was like the tunnels never existed.”
He froze and looked at me, the anger replaced with shock.
“Seriously?”
“Seriously. It’s sealed. And now I have no idea how to get back in. I even tried the other words, every word I could find. Nothing.”
“You need to promise me something.” He stood up from the swing and stared directly in my eyes.
“Promise me you’ll stay away from them.” He didn’t need to say their names. We both knew exactly who he was talking about.
“I just don’t know if…I mean, I can’t just…” I thought of Ms. D. and how hard she’d probably fought over the years. But Liam gave me a hard stare, and I knew that if I didn’t agree, he’d leave me and never look back. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about me. I think he probably cared too much.
“Okay, okay. I promise. For now.” For a second I thought Liam was going to protest, but he just nodded his head and looked away.
I walked toward him then, pressing my body to his as he wrapped his arms around my back. My head fit perfectly against his chest, and I tried to memorize the feel of his chin resting on top. He smelled like soap and peppermint, and when I felt his fingers graze my own, I knew that this was it. I was finally going to kiss Liam Gilmour.
He lifted his chin and looked down at me, and we stood frozen for a moment. I studied the zipper of his fleece jacket before raising my eyes to his. And that’s all it took. He leaned close enough for our lips to meet, and as they did, I felt a part of the sadness of the past year slip away, if only for a moment.
His lips were gentle but insistent as they moved against mine, and I realized that this was the moment I’d been waiting for over the past few weeks. Justice had eluded me, but this was something.
“Hey, guys, what’s up?”
Oh, God, please tell me this isn’t happening.
I knew that voice, and I knew that the second I opened my eyes, I’d be assaulted with a mass of frizzy red curls and a huge smile.
“Oh, hey, Seth.” Liam smiled down at me.
“Why isn’t anyone talking about the Sisterhood or the Brotherhood? Did they cover it up somehow? I remember this one time when the Skull and Bones was being investigated and…”
Seth gestured to the porch swing and sat down where Liam had been sitting. I could tell he was gearing up to tell some big story, and I could not have this conversation right now. Not after what I’d just promised Liam.
I put my hand up in an attempt to silence him. “I just can’t talk about this right now, okay? It feels like I lost her all over again.” I hated that my voice cracked on the words. “I just need some time to think.”
And as I said the words out loud, I realized they were true. This wasn’t over. Not by a long shot. But I wasn’t ready to think about what part of the fight came next. Not yet. I needed to grieve for Grace, to let her go.
“Oh, yeah, sure. Sorry.” Seth looked uncomfortable, and I felt awful. He’d been my friend when no one else would give me the time of day. I had to be more patient with him.
“No, I’m sorry, Seth. It’s not your fault…” I trailed off.
“Actually, we were just going to go grab some coffee. Want to come?” Liam shot me a questioning look, but I didn’t blame him for asking Seth along. At least I’d gotten one kiss.
“Uh…thanks, but I’ll let you guys head out on your own. I mean, I don’t want to be like the third wheel or something and…”
“Come on, you’re not the third wheel. Besides, we’re totally planning on ditching you later.” Liam grinned at me, and my heart flip-flopped.
My mouth formed into the type of smile that traveled all the way up my cheeks and crinkled my eyes. It was a huge dorky smile; it had been a long time since my face muscles had been exercised. I was surprised they still worked.
I thought back to the photograph of me, Grace, and Maddie. In the picture and for most of that summer, I had worn that same smile. I couldn’t stop the tears from welling in my eyes. Even though I tried to push them back, tears gathered, resting on my eyelashes. I tried to raise my chin to fight gravity so the tears would stay put. But it was no use. They spilled over and found their way to the corners of my mouth.
When the tears wouldn’t stop, I was thankful that Liam and Seth turned toward the street, talking quietly and giving me a chance to cry for Grace. At that moment, it was clear how much I had lost. And yet it was also obvious how much I had found. Liam and Seth were the kind of friends a girl can depend on. The kind that last forever.
I walked into Dr. Prozac’s office weighed down with even more issues than when I’d begun counseling the previous year. But for some reason, I felt lighter.
Prozac
: You’re looking well, Kate.
Me
: Thanks.
Prozac
: So life’s good? (Dr. P. cocked his head and seemed shocked to have asked such a question.)
Me
: Sort of. (I’d been attacked in secret underground tunnels, the police destroyed evidence I’d worked for weeks to collect, and the secret societies I knew existed had magically disappeared. But I was here.)
Prozac
: Well, not many people are one-hundred percent good. (He tapped his pen on the desk twice as though to punctuate his point.)
Me
: Yeah, I’m starting to realize that.
Prozac
: So the reality is that “sort of good” is actually pretty great.
Me
: Um, sure. (And, though it killed me to think it, he was right. I had managed to find a couple of real, live friends, maybe even a boyfriend. Life really was kind of great.)
Prozac
: And what about Grace? Your parents filled me in on the most recent incident. It was an accident, Kate. You can’t live your life looking for someone to blame.
Me
: I know. (Besides, I had already discovered where to place the blame. Now I just had to figure out how to bring them down. An accident was never really just an accident.)
Prozac
: I’m proud of you, Kate. You’ve really come a long way.
Me
: You have no idea.
I had a love-hate relationship with my computer.
After everything that had happened, I kind of hated it again. But I managed to brush aside my hard feelings and flipped it open to check my mail.
A few new messages had appeared in my inbox, but there was only one I cared to read.
Sent: Sun 2:43 PM
From: [email protected]
Subject: (no subject)
Thank you.
Warm tears trailed down my cheeks, and I marveled that I still had any left. After everything that had happened, after investigating each of Taylor’s clues and hoping to get my best friend back, after picking up the pieces of my broken heart again and again, I sat and I cried. I cried for Grace, and I cried for me. I even cried for Maddie. And when the tears finally stopped, I was able to read the email again.
On some level, I knew the words had to be Taylor’s. But an image of the girl in the plaid skirt who had guided me over the past few weeks flashed in my mind. And just like that, the words became Grace’s. One last message from the friend I’d lost forever.
I grabbed my favorite picture of Maddie, Grace, and me, tucked the frame into the inside pocket of my parka, and pulled the coat over my shoulders. Despite the thin layer of snow on the ground, I yanked my bike from inside the garage. I didn’t feel like asking anyone for a ride, so I’d just have to hope the streets were clear enough to ride.
As I rode, the wind bit at my ears and made my eyes water. Luckily, I didn’t have far to go. My wheels slid a little as I made my turn and even more when I went to brake, but at least I made it without falling down. I leaned my bike against one of the huge oak trees and walked through the fresh snow to Grace’s grave.
In loving memory of Grace Elizabeth Lee, beloved daughter and friend. “Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God.”
I ran my fingers over Grace’s name and reached into my pocket for the frame. I set it down near fresh flowers and looked at the girl I used to be.
“I miss you, Grace. I’ll always miss you.” I whispered the words, for once not feeling stupid for talking to a ghost. After I’d wiped away most of my tears, I straightened and turned to leave.
But there stood Taylor. Her head was bent to give me privacy, and she tugged at the fingers of her gloves.
“Hey.” My voice cracked coming out, and I realized that aside from crying, I hadn’t said much of anything that day.
Taylor lifted her head and dropped her hands to her sides. “I told them the truth, you know.” She clenched and unclenched her gloved fingers. “Detective Livingston, I mean. I told him about Alistair, the fire, everything. He wrote it all down and then thanked me and said sometimes accidents happen. That we have no control over some things. And he let me go home. That was it.”
“What about Maddie?” I asked.
Taylor wiped beneath her nose.
“I heard they let her go too.”
We stood for a second without much more to say, so I nodded my head and walked back to my bike.
“Um, Kate?” Taylor’s voice shook a little bit. “I also wanted to give you this.” She held out a creamy white envelope and turned around to go. When I pulled out the card inside, I saw the crest that had become all too familiar. The symbol for shared secrets, unity, maybe even second chances.
The artist had used maroon-colored wax to carefully etch the crest of the Sisterhood on the creamy card stock. I ran my fingers over the image. It was smooth. Perfect.
On the back, Taylor had printed “Better late than never.”
“Wait,” I called out. Taylor stopped but didn’t turn around. “Thanks for the offer, but I’m not interested in pledging. Right now I need to figure things out on my own.” I placed the card back in her gloved hand and walked back to my bike, still leaning against the tree where I had left it.
“Kate,” she called. I turned around and met Taylor’s clear eyes once again. They were glassy with unshed tears. “I’m sorry. About Grace, I mean.” She adjusted the sleeves of her jacket. “It was never supposed to happen that way.”
I stared down at the frozen ground, trying to steady my voice. “Yeah, I’m starting to understand that.”
Taylor turned and walked toward the cemetery gate.
Life was never going to be the same without Grace. I stole one last glance at the three laughing girls in the photo and realized I would never be that girl again.
But I think I was finally ready to give this new Kate a chance. She deserved it.