The Life I Now Live (4 page)

I played with Riley on the floor by Patrick’s feet. She loved being on the floor so she could reach for toys and crawl around. Avoiding my thoughts, I tuned back into the conversation.

“So, we have news,” Lydia said as she pulled Matt’s arm closer to her. 

“You’re having twins?” Gavin said, laughing. 

“Funny that you joke about that,” Matt said. 

“You’re kidding.” Ella jumped up and hugged them both.

“Slow down woman,” Matt said.   “I was kidding. We just wanted to tell everyone that yesterday we had our first ultrasound and it’s a healthy little boy.”

Everyone congratulated them. I couldn’t help but linger on the word “healthy.” When I had my first ultrasound for Riley it took two hours, but I never had a baby so I didn’t know that was abnormal. The nurse wasn’t very nice. She kept saying she couldn’t get a good shot of Riley’s leg and her face grew red with frustration. I couldn’t wait to leave, but they made me stay.

My midwife came back in the room to talk to me. “You are having a baby girl,” she said. “But there’s a problem with one of her legs. It’s hard to tell right now, but one of her legs appears to be shorter than the other and somewhat malformed. We will follow up at a different place. They do more in-depth ultrasounds. We can talk more once we get to that point.” She hugged me, but I didn’t cry. Not until a few weeks later when a doctor gave me the option of abortion.

I wanted to be happy for Lydia and her healthy baby boy, but I kept thinking, why me, why Riley, why couldn’t my baby be healthy too?

Patrick tapped my shoulder. I jumped.

“You okay?” he said, offering me a hand to stand up.

“I’m okay.” And okay was about it. Good, wonderful, amazing, undeniably happy—that wasn’t me. Okay. I could agree with “okay.”

I hugged Lydia and Matt, congratulated them, and saw Ella alone on the couch. Gavin nowhere in sight. Miracle of all miracles. So I sat down beside her and got right to the point.

“Do you think I should stay faithful to Andy?” I said.

Ella leaned back, smiled. “Where’d that come from?”

“I need to know what you think. You and Gavin have something rare. I’m not expecting to ever compete with what you guys have, but since you are the romance guru I thought I’d ask your opinion.”

Gavin stepped back into the room. Ella nodded to him and he walked over to Matt. They spoke without talking. I loved that.

“Well, the person I was before I met Gavin would have told you to never take your rings off and to love Andy as though he were still alive.”

“But the new Ella wouldn’t?”

“The new Ella has been changed by Sarah’s experience and marriage.”

“How so?”

“I’ve watched my best friend go through torment. First she had cancer. A few months after her remission James proposed and they had the fire accident. I’ve seen her smile throughout this incredible pain, and I’ve seen James stand by her constantly. You can’t visit Sarah without seeing him. He’s there. By her side every day.”

“What about Abby?”

“She stays with his parents. He is coming home this weekend actually. Sarah insisted that he come back for Abby.”

“Okay, so this has changed you and now what would you say to me?”

She made eye contact with Gavin. “I’d say not every love story is written the same, and you have to follow your heart where it takes you.”

“Do you believe in soul-mates?”

“Yes.” She didn’t hesitate.

“Do you believe you can marry the wrong person?”

She looked down. Thought about it.

“Do you believe you can have two soul-mates?”

She took a deep breath and held my arm. “Hollywood tends to emotionalize love. The movies make it all about attraction and feelings. That’s why I used to feel the way I did. I was shaped by our culture. Movies. Music. All of it. Since then I’ve seen real love. And Gavin’s made it a point to show me that love is more than that. It’s deeper. And it’s different for every person. I’ve seen Tylissa stick by her husband even when he is seen as a terrible monster by the world around her. I’ve seen James stick by Sarah, even though she went from being one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever known, to someone who will now spend her life turning heads away because of her scars. So what I’m saying to you is that you are the only person who can answer these questions for yourself. All I know is that when your soul becomes so entwined with another soul that you can’t breathe when he’s gone, you have become soul-mates. When you can’t live without him and he feels the exact same way. Can that happen twice? You tell me.”

I watched Patrick as Riley wrapped her arms around his neck and squeezed. He stopped talking to the guys to pay attention to her, to love my little girl, then he went back to their conversation. Honestly, I didn’t know if I felt that way about Patrick. We were never together, so how could I know how I’d feel if he were gone?

Ella interrupted my thoughts. “When your head hits the pillow at night, who do you think about?”

“Hate to sound so unromantic, but I think moreso about the mess I am in than I do a single person.”

“Well, think about it.” She stood. “And when you know, you know.”

I walked to Patrick, felt his arm brush against mine as I reached for Riley. He smiled. I tried to.

I spent the rest of the night listening and watching the couples around me. As hard as it was for me to admit, I think I missed Andy more than I wanted Patrick. Yes, Patrick was more attractive. Yes, he was sweeter and more sensitive. Yes, he loved me more than Andy ever seemed to.

Yes, yes, yes.

But Andy had one thing that Patrick didn’t have. 

The leftover fragments of what used to be my heart.

Ch. 6 | Patrick

After talking with Ella, Heidi told me she wanted to take a break from seeing each other for a while. I didn’t understand, but told her I’d do whatever she needed. As soon as I got home I called Ella to find out what she said to Heidi. 

“Nothing bad,” she said. Cars passed in the background. “She might be taking a break to see how much she misses you when you’re gone. Just plan something romantic and surprise her with it when she is ready to see you again.”

“First of all,” I said. “I have no idea how to plan something romantic. Second of all, what if she misses Andy more? I don’t want to hurt her. I need to step back and just be her friend. I think that’s what she needs the most.”

“You’d be a better judge of that than me.”

“Pretty amazed that you’re even supportive of this. Thought you wanted her to stay faithful to Andy forever?”

“I did. Things change,” she said. “Gavin and I wouldn’t remarry, but every love story is different.”

I hung up with her, took a shower, and got ready for bed. A picture of Emily caught my eye. The little card from her funeral. I held it in my hands, touched her face. I remember the one time she allowed me to kiss her on the lips. Our wedding day. People always asked me why I married someone who wouldn’t let me kiss her. The answer is simple. She needed somewhere to live and medical insurance for her medication. I was her house and medical insurance. She was my life. I thought for sure if I helped her she’d love me back. And she did, don’t get me wrong. She did in her own way. Just not the way most wives love their husbands.

I imagined Heidi’s face. Sweet smile, pink cheeks, captivating golden eyes. I loved the way her nose crinkled when she laughed. And the right dimple that appeared when she smiled. Man, she was the picture of beauty.

I picked up my phone to text her. I typed I love you, but deleted it and turned the phone off.

I told her I’d fight for her and be there for her until my last breath, but how could I? She loved Andy. She didn’t love me.

I admired that. I really did. Never knew someone more faithful.

Maybe I needed to let go. Move on. Find a girl who wanted me as much as I wanted her.

Story of my freaking life.

As a chiropractic doctor a lot of women came into my office. Beautiful women with cute personalities. Never noticed as much until Heidi stopped talking to me. Of course I always ignored the subtle flirtations. I’m a doctor and don’t want to get sued for sexual harassment. So I’m careful when I work and very serious.

But I’m not going to lie, when I walked out to the waiting room and called for Myra my heart stopped. Then I realized I met her before. She was the Filipino girl at Gavin’s old house in Philly. A friend of a friend. Referred to me by Lydia.

Gorgeous. I hadn’t noticed before. My eyes were only on Heidi. Now they were opened. I didn’t flirt with her, but she caught my attention for sure. As I helped her out I didn’t say a word beyond the normal professional words I always say. When I finished she stood and put her hands on her hips. 

“I think I feel a little better,” she said through pink lips. “Thank you.”

“No problem,” I said.

“How’s everything with Heidi?”

“Not sure. She is taking a break from talking to me.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”

I shrugged. “I want the best for her. Whatever that is.”

She stood there. Looking up at me. Analyzing my face as I blushed.

“When you find the one for you, you’ll know,” she said.

“Why does everyone say that? Like love is some kind of riddle to be figured out. I’m not so sure about that. I’ve been married before and my wife died. Now this. I think I go after people who are a challenge.” I put my hands in my pockets. “No idea why. I don’t even know if I know what love is anymore.”

“Sure you do.”

“No. I really have no idea. All this mumbo jumbo talk of soul-mates and one person being the only person for you. What’s that mean for people like me? Doomed to be single for life since I already married someone and she’s gone?”

“I believe that most people only have one soul-mate, but some of us need more than one. So our hearts are broken and when they are put back together they are something new. A new heart for a new soul-mate.”

“What about you?”

She blushed. “What about me?”

“Have you found your soul-mate?”

“I think so, but it’s hard because I have to go back to the Philippines before I overstay my visa for school. I don’t know what we’re going to do.” She exhaled. “Do you remember Reese from Gavin’s party last year?”

“I do. Nice guy.”

“Very nice.”

“Lucky too.”

She smiled. “Follow your heart, but bring your mind. You will find your answers.”

  We said our goodbyes. Everyone seemed to know everything about love. Everyone but Heidi and me. Honestly, I thought everyone was tainted by Hollywood and Disney. Ella said it herself once. Except Ella had no room to talk. Her and Gavin had something better than the movies.

Ugh, I’m not one to complain, but can a guy get a break?

All I wanted was someone to share my life with. Heidi seemed so perfect. We fit together in ways we needed, not just ways we wanted. We were right for each other. How do you let go of someone when their heart is set on someone else?

Ch. 7 | Heidi

I spent most days inside after I told Patrick I needed some space. Thankfully I worked mostly from home as an interior designer, so I didn’t need to go out if I didn’t want to. Unless I needed to go to a clients house or buy some things for their project, or for myself. Like food, which I now needed.

I found a forum online for moms who delayed solid foods with their babies until after a year. With all of Riley’s soon-to-be surgeries I figured I would do anything I could to make her healthier. Coming up on her first birthday, I decided to let her try a few things, but needed a quick market visit first.

A well-tinted vehicle pulled away from the house as I got into my car. I’m normally not a paranoid person, but since Andy uncovered that scandal at work I really did fear for my life. I hated that he discovered the truth in that mess, and I know it was good of him to insist on telling the truth and testifying in court, but I didn’t want him to. I didn’t want him to do half the things he did when we first got married. He said he needed to provide, to be a good husband. So I let him, wondering why he thought being a good husband meant making money. All I wanted was a hug and a kiss goodnight before bed, but that was too much to ask. He was always too tired, too burned out, too paranoid. I guess he had a good reason to be.