The Life List (The List Trilogy) (32 page)

He sounds cute. What’s his name again?”

Two days and two pounds lighter later, Slutty Co-worker and I are in line to pay the cover charge at The Red Devil Lounge. The street is vibrating from the chaos inside, and I’m swaying back and forth to the beat trying to work off some of my nervous energy.

“What the fuck is taking so long?”

“The place is packed! They can only let as many in that come out.  Hey, where are you going?”

I don’t mind waiting our turn to get inside, but Slutty Co-worker thinks it’s totally beneath her. I’m not sure if it was her slightly exposed left boob that got us in fast and free or if she promised the guy at the door a little something special if he let us through, but within two seconds of her whispering into his ear, we walk through the red rope as ugly jealous girls snicker at us.

“NICE JOB GETTING US IN! I’M GONNA GRAB A DRINK AND HEAD UPSTAIRS TO THE BALCONY TO GET A BIRDSEYE VIEW OF THE PLACE. YOU STAYING DOWN HERE?”

I swirl around to try to hear Slutty Co-worker’s answer and then feel slightly embarrassed that I was talking to myself. I glance back towards the entrance and see the door guy put his hand on her waist and walk her to the dance floor. Man, she doesn’t waste any time. I order a vodka tonic, pay for whatever the bartender just handed me, and squeeze my way through the crowd and up the spiral staircase to do what I came here for. Once I find my spot on the edge of the balcony I ask myself, “What
did
I come here for?” Am I here to torture myself, get back together with Leo, or make him as jealous as he’s unknowingly made me? I have no fucking clue, and I almost hope he and his friends decided to go somewhere else so I don’t have to find out the answer. Just when I’m in the middle of figuring out my life, one of the things that annoys me more than anything in the world happens.

“How can a girl like you be all alone?”

God, get a little closer, why don’t you!

“Oh, I’m not alone. My friend’s down there somewhere, I’m waiting for her.”

“Want some company while you wait?”

My first instinct is to tell this guy to screw off, but after giving him a quick inspection and confirming the following:

1) He’s over six feet tall

2) He has all his hair

3) He’s got on expensive shoes

I’m satisfied that he’s fit to be standing next to me as a roadblock against anyone else that might have the audacity to speak to me.

“Sure.”

“Great! I’m Josh.”

“Hey Josh, I’m Prudence.”

I like to give really hideous names to guys who hit on me so they don’t have the retarded need to repeat it every five seconds as if it’s some kind of hot turn on. You know, when they say stuff like, “So, tell me what you do for a living,
Prudence
,” and “That’s a really nice shirt you’re wearing,
Prudence
.” It bugs the hell out of me. Suffice it to say, Josh didn’t say my fake name once, but he sure had a lot of other stuff to gab about. I nod every so often, so he thinks I’m listening, but I keep my focus on the real reason I’m here. I scan every person’s face who’s upstairs leaning against the railing of the balcony. No Leo. I scan the dance floor below and look at every person’s face that isn’t stuck to another person’s face. No Leo. I look at the groups of people smashed at the tiny cocktail tables distributed around the club. No Leo. I run my eyes down the long line of people sitting on barstools, starting on the far left and making my way all the way to the end and then…I see him. In the very darkest corner of the club, standing with Taddeo and two horrid, okay, semi-good looking girls, is my beautiful Leo. He’s tan and much stronger than the last time I saw him; probably from working long hours doing construction in the hot Monterey sun. I can no longer hear John or Joe or whatever the hell his name is, and I can’t hear the thunderous music. All I can hear is my heartbeat. All I can smell is Leo. All I can feel is pretty. Predictably, the answer to my question of what I planned on doing if I saw Leo isn’t immediately answered. I just stand and stare.

Nothing, nothing, nothing and then…
What the hell does she think she’s doing
?! I watch as the sluttier looking of the two chicks wraps her arms around Leo’s neck and throws her head back in a fit of pathetic fake laughter.
Does he like it
? Before I have a chance to check out Leo’s reaction, I react by accidently dropping my glass over the rail of the balcony, straight down two stories, and directly onto the dance floor. It crashes into a million pieces, people scream, the music abruptly stops, and a zillion hands point up towards the direction of where the wreckage came from. I’m already half way down the staircase when I turn around to see two really big dudes grab John/Joe/Josh’s arms and lead him out a back door. Sorry about that, dude!

Fortunately, the place is back to full force by the time I hit the ground floor, and I easily blend into the crowd. I head straight toward the door but then suddenly remember that I don’t have keys to Slutty Co-worker’s apartment. Chances are that if I walk out of the club I won’t get back in and I won’t have anywhere to go until she decides to leave. And God knows how long she plans on paying that guy back for doing us a favor! I could be standing outside for hours! I whirl around to look for her and, as fate would have it, I slam ches-first into Leo, who happens to be leaving with Taddeo and the two bar hopping gutter sluts.

“
Chrissy
?”

I hear Taddeo murmur, “Shit.”

The girl standing beside Leo is sizing me up, and she looks really unhappy. There’s no “Hello” from Leo. Just a really pissed off, “Who are you here with?”

He must think I’m here with Kurt because his eyes are darting around, and he looks kinda ready to fight. I wanna do what I always used to do to calm him down: wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him, but something tells me that would be a bad idea.

“My friend from work, you know… the one who lives on Clay Street.”

Now Leo’s bar hopping gutter slut knows we have history. Take that! Glancing at the girls, and not wanting to look like the pitiable trolls they are, I extend my hand toward them and introduce myself. They’re so clueless and classless, they don’t even know WHAT to make of my handshake. I raise my eyebrows and give Leo and Taddeo a look of disgusting sympathy. I look calm, cool, and collected but it’s taking all of my self-control to keep from falling to the ground, curling up in a fetal position, and balling my brains out.

“It’s good to see you again, Taddeo.”

Just a grunt.

Leo’s eyes are piercing into mine and out the back of my skull. His voice is even more stabbing.

“You never called.”

“I thought it would be for the better.”

“For me or for you?”

“For you.”

“You should’ve let me be the judge of that.”

He’s standing inches away and staring at me like he’s one angry mother-fucker. I wonder what would happen if I dove in for a kiss. I feel like if I lean…in…just a… smidge…he might…follow…my lead. Just as I’m about to give it a shot, one of the bar hopping gutter sluts says, “Like, are we gonna go to that other place or what, you guys?”

“We are. Come on Leo.”

Fucking Taddeo! I shake my head at Leo’s friend’s obvious contempt for me, but at the same time, I know I deserve every ounce of it. Then I watch Leo’s gutter slut grab his hand and wonder how much longer I can take the beating. My eyes are pleading with his not to leave. They’re trying to tell him I have more to say. But after Taddeo nudges him in the back, he leans in close enough for me to smell him and whispers, “See ya Chrissy.” I want to turn around and watch him walk away, will him to come back, DO SOMETHING, but I can’t seem to move. The music in the club suddenly intensifies, and people start bashing into my shoulders as they violently dance around. I want to get out of their way, but I can’t. My feet are totally stuck.

“HEY CHRISSY, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? YOU GOTTA MOVE!”

Slutty Co-worker, with smudged lipstick and all, finds me just as the tears are starting to drop.

“Hunny, you’re gonna get the shit kicked out of that tiny little body if you don’t get outta the way.”

I baby step to her and lay my head on her shoulder.

“You saw him?”

“He left with a girl.”

Then, after stroking my hair for a second, she abruptly stops.

“Well apparently he didn’t come back with her.”

“What are you talking about?”

Pointing to someone behind me, “Uhhhhh girlfriend, is that the
Blehhhh
boy with him? Damn, he’s hot!”

I turn around, and there’s Leo walking right toward me with a very unhappy Taddeo trailing behind.

“Leo, what are you…”

“I don’t know why you keep running away and it kills me every time you do but I’ll
always
be where I know you are.”

And just like that, Leo pulls me toward him and kisses me. The drug that I’ve craved for almost two months slowly seeps back into my body.

For the next hour we don’t move from that spot. When we aren’t kissing, he whispers things in my ear like, “You look amazing,” and “I don’t like the thought of you in a place like this.” He asks me if I’ve taken care of my break-up business with numb-nuts, and like an addict who hasn’t scored in months I hungrily tell him, “Yes,” before I start kissing him again.

He tries to convince me to go back to his apartment, but not wanting to have a serious conversation with him about the state of my affairs, I convince him and Taddeo to hang out with Slutty co-worker and me at her apartment instead. Two hours after I stumble into Leo at The Red Devil Lounge, we’re hanging out on my friend’s deck with vodka tonics as Third Eye Blind blares on the stereo. It’s an extremely warm evening in the city and Slutty Co-worker suggests we grill late-night snacks. Everyone’s comfortably pitching in, and as it’s all happening I think to myself, this is one of those stand-out moments in life. The smell of the food, the sound of the ice cubes clinking away in our glasses, the sultry temperature, the loud music, the indiscriminate company…it’s absolute perfection. No matter where I end up in life, thoughts of this night will send chills down the back of my neck, and I’ll forever want to go back in time and re-live it.

As everyone’s laughing it up at one of Slutty’s slutty jokes, I reflect on two months ago in Monterey and the morning I came close to telling Leo about my marriage. As he slept, I lightly traced his eyebrows with my finger and watched his eyes dart around behind his closed lids. I studied his strong hands and tried to memorize the location of every scar on them. I stared at his lips, but occasionally had to look away in woozy astonishment as I recounted all the places they had traveled on my body. I thought of all the secrets and painful accounts of his life he had shared with me and that I owed it to him to share back. If it was at all possible, I fell deeper in love with him that morning. But once his eyes were open, his hands were moving, and his lips were talking, I got scared, took away his options and decided what was best for him. I didn’t give him the choice of what to do about my marriage because I thought there would be less pain if I stayed in control. Well, two hours ago at The Red Devil Lounge, he told me I should let him be the judge of his decisions, and he’s right. I have to stop playing puppeteer with his life. It gets us nowhere.

For so long I thought it would be best to end it with Leo, get a divorce, get through my sadness, and get on with my life. I guess I kinda felt like losing him was the price I had to pay for my immorality,
and
I foolishly thought that once he was gone, I would press on with a divorce a lot quicker. But, as I demonstrated after the Monterey break-up, I still come up with every excuse in the book to suspend divorce when he’s not around. And as I demonstrated by stalking him at The Red Devil Lounge, I can’t get on with my life without him. Nothing changes. It’s starting to look like the only choice I have is to tell Leo my ugly truth and let the chips fall where they may. Nothing changes when I try to strategically position them. Besides, Leo
knows
something’s going on. He
knows
I’m scared to tell him something, but even so, he’s right here with me right now. He’s in love with me, and I’m pretty sure he’s strong enough to handle my ugly truth. But…I better double check all that with Taddeo before I do something stupid like let him be the judge of his own life.

“Where’s the bathroom?”

“Down the hall, to the left.”

“You’re not gonna disappear while I’m gone are you?”

“Ha-ha very funny.”

The minute Leo walks away, Taddeo looks extremely uncomfortable.

“Geez, relax, I’m not gonna hurt you!”

No grunt this time, just a glare.

“I know it may not seem like it, but I really am crazy about him.”

Still glaring.

“And I’m not mad at you for trying to set him up with someone else. You’re only trying to be a good friend.”

“Yep, boys will be boys.”

I do a quick head shake at Slutty Co-worker to tell her to shut up and then an eye roll in the direction of the kitchen to tell her to leave for a minute.

“Right…refills! I’ll be right back.”

Once she’s gone, I turn to Taddeo.

“Okay look, I know you’re only trying to protect him, but please try to cut me some slack. I’m not a completely horrible person, just a slightly confused one.”

“No, you look. He’s had it rough these last few years. His parents screwed up a lot of shit for him, and he’s had to scratch and claw for everything he has. I can’t even say for sure I’ve seen him smile since high school. Then he meets you and he’s like the old Leo again. He’s smiling and laughing and making plans. For seven months, you were all he could talk about, and then you left for something like the tenth, and what we both thought was the final time, and he went back to how he was before, but worse. I spent the last month trying to cheer him up, and tonight I finally succeeded and then BOOM, here you are again. I dunno, it seems fishy to me.”

Uh oh, this guy’s intuitive.

“Leo’s never cared about
anyone
before, so if you’re gonna leave again, make it for good because I don’t want to see him get hurt anymore.”