The Light in the Wound (24 page)

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”

—Khalil Gibran

My first day at work went by without a hitch. I was exhausted from trying to look busy because there really wasn’t anything much to do. After arranging my desk and setting up my voicemail options, there really wasn’t much I had accomplished. There were many other young people my age who were going to be working on the Committee and I was glad to meet all of them. No one got to meet Senator Rickey in person but me. He had asked his secretary to show me in during a break from his meetings. He shook my hand, welcomed me and asked how my grandparents were.

At the end of my first week, Alex was back from his trip and asked to meet me at the Polo Club for dinner. I was anxious to see him. I couldn’t explain it. I figured it was because I was harboring guilt for what I did to lead him on the other night. When I saw him sitting at one of tables by the outside swimming pool, my breath caught. He looked so different, so grown up in a suit, so dashingly perfect.

“Hi,” I nervously blurted out as I pulled out the seat across from him. He got up to push my chair back in for me.

“Hi yourself. You look great. How was work?”

I paused to reach over into his shirt pocket to grab his pack of cigarettes. My smoke buddy.

“It was good. I still have to get used to all the rush hour traffic, but I’ve been taking naps in the car all week. So tired.”

His lips curved up in a slight smile, almost as if the word “nap” kind of aroused him.

“Alex, I’m so sorry. I’m a stupid, selfish bitch. I shouldn’t have led you on like that the other night. You’re the best friend anyone could ever have and I used you.”

“You used me?”

“I shouldn’t have slept with you. I feel like I ruined our friendship.”

“All you and I have is a friendship?” His tone was now sarcastic.

“Yes! I mean, no — Alex! We can’t just jump into having a relationship, especially when we started off as friends. I want to. I want to try, but you’ve been gone for a year. I was with Jesse. I’m still reeling from that breakup. You’re too good to just be a rebound for me.”

Was that the best I could do? Geez.

“How do you propose we try, Isabel?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know how we should try, or you don’t know how you feel?”

“Please stop repeating what I’m saying.” I was frustrated and irritated and afraid he was going to leave me. I instinctively grabbed his hand and pulled it toward me. He flinched but let me take it anyway.

“You really should stop smoking.” His eyes were warm and his smile was so genuine.

“I will if you will.” I smiled back as I caressed his hand with my thumb.

“Okay, Isabel. Here’s the deal. I met someone while I was traveling in Europe and I’d been thinking of asking her out. I didn’t expect what happened the other night between us, so I didn’t say anything to you about this. You’re confused. You’re still in love with Jesse. You need time to digest everything that has happened in the past month. I know that I have to give you time.”

Gone was the Alex of the other night, the smitten one had been replaced with the practical and clear-minded one.

“What happens if I lose you?” I squeaked.

“I’ll always be your friend.”

“Who is she?”

“She didn’t go to school here so you don’t know her, but her name is Amanda McCabe.”

“Does she speak Spanish?” I broke out in a giggle.

“Isa.” He rolled his eyes at me. He wasn’t in the mood for any jokes.

I patted his hand, smiled warmly at him and pushed it back to his side of the table. “I’m happy for you.”

“I’ll always be around to save you.” He smiled sadly. That word reminded me of everything he said to me the other night.

“Alex?”

“Yes?”

“Did you mean what you said to me when we were together that night?”

“Every word, Isa. Every fucking word.”

The rest of the evening was easygoing and relaxed. I felt like I had my old Alex back. I made him promise to check in with me once in a while. On the way to the car, he stopped me in the parking lot and held me for a very long time.

A month into my new job, Betty, Alicia and I went out to celebrate my first paycheck. It was my treat, so they chose a swanky Italian restaurant downtown called Tramonte. Work was crazy but in a very self-fulfilling way. Two weeks into my job, I wrote a position paper supporting one of the Committee’s hearings. The Senator liked it so much, he asked me to write some of his speeches for him. We were leaving for a tour of the country to conduct committee hearings in one week’s time.

“Has anyone heard from Alex?” I asked that night during our dinner.

“I have,” said Betty.

“Oh my gosh, Isabel,” interjected Alicia, “have you seen his new girlfriend?”

I shook my head and looked side to side at both Betty and Alicia.

They looked at each other and said in perfect unison, “She looks just like you!”

The next two months were a whirlwind in terms of work and the single life. Our tour around the country lasted for almost four weeks. We held hearings with the masses and interviewed with everyone about their current economic situation and how we could introduce government programs to help make their lives better. We met with people from all walks of life and various economic demographics. It was an invaluable experience for me. Life on the road was also exhausting and oftentimes inconvenient. I tried to fit in with my co-workers as much as possible and refused to receive special treatment everywhere I went. The Senator was aware that I was traveling with his party, so I knew that part of his security detail had been assigned to watch over me. Most of the people on our team were young males who were very respectful and helpful toward the handful of women in the group.

I was also assigned to a few of my grandfather’s positions on various company boards. I accepted the role, knowing that he wanted me to help with his businesses someday in the future. I never asked to be involved, but I knew that it would make him happy to see my interest in the family business. Between work and my side work, I didn’t really have a chance to do much else.

TEXT FROM ALEX: Saw your picture in Tarryn Jon’s column the other day. Looking beautiful as always.

ME: Oh that. Yeah, I didn’t know they were taking pictures.

ALEX: Who was that guy you were with?

ME: Some work dude. We had to attend it together.

ALEX: Lucky work dude.

On the third month anniversary of my job, I worked a late night, trying to complete some projections for a farm-based agricultural program that the Committee was trying to recommend. It was 10:00 P.M. by the time I stood outside the office to wait for the elevator that would take me to the parking garage. I was so focused on writing up some notes that I walked straight into the elevator as soon as the door beeped open. Bad habit, I know.

“Isabel.”

I looked up to see him.

I was speechless.
Stunned
.

“Jesse, what are you doing here?”

He looked even more beautiful than the last time I saw him. He seemed sleeker, more polished. His hair was still wavy and ruffled, but tamer somehow. His eyes looked tortured, conflicted. He smelled the same. Bleu De Chanel. I had asked Alex to pick it up from Paris for Jesse’s birthday last year.

“I saw Bernard in the parking garage, he told me you were still up here.”

The elevator door closed as I hurriedly pressed the G button and moved away from him.

“You look beautiful.”

I wore a navy blue Valentino pantsuit with three-inch heels and a silk tied yellow blouse. Just as he was about to move closer to me, the elevator door opened.

“Isabel, can we talk?”

He didn’t attempt to touch me but merely followed me to a waiting Bernard.

“Can we talk tomorrow? I’m just so exhausted tonight.”

“I’ve actually been back for a week now. I really need to speak to you.”

The worried look on his face melted my insides. Again.

“I can follow you home, if you want to talk there. Or there’s a park two blocks from here. We can take a walk around and talk for a few minutes.”

“I’ll have Bernard drive me there now. He can park for few minutes and wait for us.”

I had no defenses when it came to him.

He nodded his head and walked toward his car.

Five minutes later, we were both sitting on a park bench surrounded by beautiful trees and a huge lovers’ fountain. I called it that because there were so many lovers holding hands while stealing kisses and throwing coins in the water as we sat there in silence.

Jesse cleared his throat as he clasped both hands together and leaned his elbows on his thighs. “Isabel, for the past three months, I’ve thought of nothing and no one but you. I’m begging for your forgiveness. I love you and I want to make it all up to you.”

I didn’t say a word as I stared out into the fountain. A few minutes of awkward silence passed.