“Okay.”
“You look tired. It’s been a long day.” She took a pill from her bag. “Better take this. It’ll keep you going.”
“It’ll also keep me up half the night.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Licia said. “We’ll get you to sleep. This is the last scene in the movie and I don’t want you to look wasted.”
JeriLee took the red and swallowed it with a swig of water from the canteen. She felt the instant burst of energy. Her eyes began to shine.
“Feel better, honey?” Licia asked.
“Much better.” JeriLee laughed thin and high. “I can go another ten hours.”
***
It was dark when she awoke. There was the faint hum of voices through the closed door to the living room. Her mouth was dry and her tongue felt swollen. She got out of bed and went into the bathroom. Thirstily she drank a glass of water, then brushed her teeth vigorously to get the brackish taste from her mouth. She put on the terry cloth robe hanging on the door and went out into the living room.
The voices were coming from the television set. Licia looked up from her chair.
“What time is it?” JeriLee asked.
“Eleven o’clock.”
“I told you to wake me at eight. I was due at the club at nine.”
“It’s okay. When I saw how deep you were sleepin’. I called the club and told them you were sick.”
“It’s not okay. They know I was making the picture. They’ll figure I didn’t want to show up.”
“Then screw ’em. You can get plenty of jobs where you can show your ass.”
“You know better than that. This is a good club. Most of the places are hustlers’ joints.”
“Calm down, honey,” Licia said soothingly. “Let me make you a cup of tea. You can’t keep this up or you’re goin’ to collapse.”
“I got to. I have to keep working.”
“Do you? You’ve been at it steady for about eight months now. You gotta have some money in the bank.”
JeriLee’s eyes fell. “It costs money to live.”
“I know it does, honey, but you only got into this to get enough money to write. You must have enough now to keep you while you get back to work on that play you want to do.”
JeriLee was silent.
“Face it, baby,” Licia said. “Writin’ motorcycle pictures ain’t what you started out to do. An’ you didn’t even write that. They just took your idea and turned it around to suit themselves. You didn’t write no sex and sadism story but that’s what they made out of it.”
JeriLee still didn’t answer.
“You don’t belong out here,” Lucia said. “You’ll only windup trapped in all this shit an’ never write the kind of thing you really want to do.”
“At least I got paid for what I wrote,” JeriLee said defensively. “And they talk to me. That’s more than I get back East. Maybe this is the beginning of something.”
“It’s the beginning all right,” Licia said. “The beginning of the end. Nobody ever makes it out of these pictures. There’s only one way to go after this—down, into straight pornos.”
“What makes you such an expert all of a sudden?”
“I didn’t just sit here while you were out shootin’ this movie. I did a lot of checking on my own. What you made is a double- or triple-bill drive-in movie that nobody watches anyway. The only reason they go to the drive-ins is for hamburgers, hot dogs and fucking.”
“Gross says that he can get me a few more pictures after this. He says Ansbach is happy with the film.”
“But they’ll be the same kind of pictures.”
“I don’t know.”
“You’ll see. It’ll be like the clubs. Each time you’ll have to take off a little more. Next thing, fuck shows.”
JeriLee was silent. She knew that a lot of what Licia said made sense.
“I’m not pushin’ you, honey,” Licia said earnestly, taking her hand. “But someday JeriLee Randall will want to come back and by that time it may be too late. Jane Randolph will have taken over for good.”
“I need a drink,” JeriLee said.
“Don’t drink. Take a Librium.”
“I took two before I went to sleep.”
“Take another. A drink will only charge you up. What you need is more sleep.” She rose from the couch. “I’ll get it for you.”
JeriLee took the pill with a swallow of water, then Licia pushed her gently back onto the couch. “Now you just sit there and relax while I fix a nice bath for you. After that you go back to bed and I don’t want to hear a sound out of you until morning.”
JeriLee took Licia’s hand and squeezed it. “I don’t know how I’d have gotten through the last few weeks without you,” she said gratefully.
“I love you, honey. I want to take care of you.”
***
The tranquilizer wasn’t working. Restlessly JeriLee sat up in bed and turned on the light.
The bedroom door opened. “You okay?” Licia asked.
“I can’t sleep.”
Licia sat down on the edge of the bed. “You need a vacation. A change of scenery.”
JeriLee started to laugh.
“What you laughin’ at, honey?”
“Look who’s talking? When’s the last time you ever took a vacation? Even out here, you’re always on the telephone running your business.”
“There’s a difference. I’m doin’ what I want to do. You’re shootin’ off in so many different directions, you don’t know what you want anymore.”
“I know what I want. I want to write.”
“Then do it.” Licia paused for a moment. “If it’s money that’s holdin’ you up, forget it. I got enough money to let you do what you want.”
“I don’t want your money. You’ve done more than enough already.”
“You’re being childish.”
“I’m not,” JeriLee answered stubbornly. “It’s important that I take care of myself.”
“You wouldn’t feel like that if I were a man, would you?”
Licia’s sudden coolness took JeriLee by surprise. “What makes you say that?”
“It’s the truth, isn’t it? It’s okay for a man to support you but you can’t accept it from another woman.”
“That’s not true.”
“Would you give the same answer to that stud if he offered?” Licia asked. “I’ll bet you wouldn’t. You’d fall down on your knees and suck his cock in gratitude.”
“Don’t say that, Licia. You know better. If that was what I wanted I could have had it a long time ago. It doesn’t make any difference whether it’s a woman or a man. I still have to make it on my own.”
Licia laughed harshly. “You talk a lot about the truth but you don’t face, it, honey. Why did you call me when you had no place else to go? Because you knew in your secret little heart that I wanted to ball you. And that was okay if we kept it on an airy fairy level but now we’re down to the gut and you don’t like that. Why don’t you come out of the closet, baby, and admit what you are? You’re no different than me. You want cunt just as much as I do.”
JeriLee’s eyes were wide and staring. With trembling hands she reached for a cigarette. Licia took it from her and put it in the ashtray.
“You’ll wind up setting fire to the bed,” she said. As she removed her robe, her honey-colored skin shone in the glow of the lamp. Gently she drew JeriLee’s face to her breasts. Her voice was husky as she spoke. “Here, baby,” she said softly. “Mother knows what you want. Mother knows what you need. Let Mother take care of you.”
JeriLee closed her eyes and inhaled Licia’s warm musky smell. She wanted to sink into the safety of Licia’s arms, but she suddenly knew that she could not.
What Licia offered was no different from what men had offered. Sex was still the currency of payment. The fact that she was a woman didn’t make it a fair trade item. Freedom was the right to be yourself. It was not something that could be bought and paid for. It was earned by being honest with yourself, whether or not you liked what you saw.
She pulled away from Licia and looked into her eyes. “You were right,” she said. “I was not being honest. Not with myself and not with you. I’m sorry.”
Licia didn’t speak.
“I’m grateful for what you’ve done,” JeriLee said. “I want to be your friend. And I want to make love to you and have you make love to me because I enjoy it. Maybe more than any other kind I know. But I’m not in love with you any more than I am with anyone else. Maybe I’m not capable of love in the same way other people are. All I know is that I don’t want to own anybody and I don’t want anybody to own me. I have to be free.”
Licia’s voice was dull with pain. “Even if it means being alone?”
JeriLee looked at her for a long moment, then nodded slowly.
Licia’s eyes filled with tears. And this time it was JeriLee who drew the woman’s head to her breast and comforted her.
Chapter 17
Marc Gross Associates consisted of one harried secretary and an answering service. Gross himself was a young man who had worked for several of the big agencies before striking out on his own. He drove a Lincoln Continental on which payments were always two months behind and was given to continually dropping names and talking about the big deals that were always pending. Despite it all, he was a likable young man and did the best he could for the clients who happened to drift through his door. The real problem was that the most promising talent was always grabbed up by the more established agencies while he had to make do with the hopefuls.
As JeriLee came into the office he got to his feet, a genuine smile on his face. She was one of his few working clients. “No calls while I’m talking with Miss Randolph,” he told his secretary.
“We’ve got a lot of work to do,” he said importantly.
JeriLee nodded without speaking.
“Ansbach tells me that the film on you is sensational. I got him to promise me some clips so that we can have something to show around before the picture comes out. The idea is to lock up a few more jobs and build some continuity for you as a performer.” He stopped suddenly and stared at her. “Was that a blond wig you wore in the picture?”
She nodded.
“I saw some stills. You should wear it all the time. Helps build the image.”
“It was all right for the part. But it’s not me,” she said.
“Doesn’t matter. That’s what the producers want. Gives you a raunchy look.”
“A hard look you mean.”
“A matter of opinion. I call it the ‘I.F.’ look.”
“What’s that?”
“Instant Fuck. Jumps right out of the pictures.”
“I’m a little too old to go the sexy blonde route.”
“Not true. You’re just the right age. These days men are looking for a little more than the dumb blonde. They want a more experienced look, a woman who seems to know what they want and can give it to them. I’m setting up some interviews for you right now and I want you to wear the wig when you go to them.”
“Okay.”
“When are you going back to work in the club?”
“I start tonight.”
“Good. We got to promote that. Okay if I bring some producers over?”
She looked at him doubtfully. “Don’t you think that will frighten some of them away? I can’t see the studios being crazy about that association.”
“Fuck the studios. That’s not where the action is. It’s the independents who are setting all the trends. The studios do nothing but try to catch up.”
“I can’t see building a career on motorcycle pictures.”
“What’s wrong with them? Jack Nicholson didn’t do so bad. He made about four of them before
Easy Rider
and look where he is now. One of the biggies.”
She was silent.
“I know the money isn’t much, but there’s a lot of work in that field.”
“I don’t know.”
“Ansbach wants to use you again,” he said. “And it’s not a bike picture this time.”
“What is it?”
“A story of a women’s prison camp. There are a couple of good parts in it but you’ve got the lead if you want it.”
“Do you have the script?”
“You know how he works. The script won’t be ready until he starts shooting. But here’s a copy of the treatment,” he said, holding out some pages. “While you’re reading, I’ll make a couple of calls.”
“You want me to read it now?”
“It’s the only copy I have, and I need it. He wants me to find some other girls for him. It won’t take long. It’s only about twelve pages.”
She had finished reading before he was through his second telephone call. “What do you think?” he asked.
“I don’t think it’s for me.”
“It’s the big part.”
“It’s out-and-out S and M.”
“It’s what the audiences are buying.”
“I don’t like it. There’s not even a pretense of a story line. Just one scene after another of girls going down on girls and girls beating up on girls.”
“That’s what those prisons are like. Besides it’s just a treatment. The script will be better.”
“I can’t see how a film like that can do me any good. I wind up seeming to be the dyke of all time.”
“You’re an actress. It shouldn’t be too difficult for you to get into it.”
She detected the subtle change in his voice. “What do you mean?”
“Come on, Jane,” he said, putting on the charm. “We’re both adults. I know what you’re into. I’m not exactly blind, you know.”
She didn’t answer.
“I’ve met your friend from back East.”
She felt herself flush. “What I do is my business,” she said shortly. “I think it’s a lousy idea and I don’t want any part of it.”
“Wait a minute,” he said placatingly. “Okay, okay. Ansbach and I thought you might go for it. There will be other things.”
“What about the story ideas I gave you?” she asked.
“I’m circulating them. I’ll keep you informed.”
“Good. You can reach me at the apartment during the day. I’ll be at the club at night.”
“You’ll hear from me soon. I’m setting up appointments for you over at Warner and Paramount.” He followed her to the door. “What about that screenplay you told me you were working on?”
“I’ll show it to you as soon as I finish.”
“Don’t forget. I got a hunch we can really break through with that one.” He kissed her cheek. “We’ll keep in touch.”
***
“I didn’t expect you back so soon,” Licia said to JeriLee came into the apartment.
JeriLee looked at the closed suitcases standing by the door. “You weren’t going to leave without saying goodbye?”
“I don’t like goodbyes any more than you do.”
JeriLee was silent for a moment. “Where are you heading from here?”