Authors: Lilian Carmine
“I-I-I . . . f-feel . . . okay?” Harry stammered, trying to recover from his second shock of the day.
Everybody sighed, relieved at Tristan’s reaction. Seth reclined once more on his bed and grabbed his guitar again. Josh and Sam relaxed, laughing.
Tristan walked over to the food counter, grabbing a bottle of water from it. “Joey always keep her promises, you know,” he said calmly, taking a sip. “It’s not like she enjoyed it, right, Joey?” he asked, a playful smile dancing at the corner of his lips.
“I was just keeping my word,” I stated truthfully. I glanced sideways at Harry and caught him looking at me. He quickly snapped his eyes to the floor.
“And no one can say Joey doesn’t offer you guys encouragement with your studies,” Tristan teased some more.
Sam started rummaging quickly in his backpack. “You know what? I suddenly feel this strange urge to study now!” he said, grinning.
Josh grinned evilly too. “Me too! Hey, pass me one of those books, Sammy, my boy, will you?” he teased, grabbing a book that Sam tossed over. It landed on my mattress, and I rolled my eyes at the suddenly avid students in the room.
Harry went to sit on Seth’s bed, as far away from me and Tristan as possible. He had a shy look on his face and didn’t dare say a word after that. He just sat there, silently listening to the rest of the guys joke around. Sometimes he would take a sly peek at Tristan or me, but it was almost imperceptible. After a while, Seth went to have a shower and Josh and Sam left to do their things. Harry followed quickly on their heels. I closed the door after they had all left, and turned to look at Tristan, who was resting his back on the headboard. He extended his arms, inviting me in. I shuffled over, trying to act cool, but there was still a lingering awkwardness hovering in the air.
“It will take some time for Harry to be his normal self again,” Tristan said with a smile in his voice, suddenly breaking the silence.
“You didn’t need to give us that scare.” I scowled.
He chuckled softly. “I know, but it was
so much
fun.”
“I . . . we were all worried there for a second,” I mumbled.
“You should know better. I would never hit him!” Tristan scoffed.
“Well, if I know Harry, he’s going to freak out about this for a couple hours, then he’ll forget all about it,” I predicted, snuggling my face against Tristan’s chest. I hoped I hadn’t screwed things up between Harry and me. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship with that stupid kiss promise. I hoped he’d really just forget all about it.
“Yeah, well. Your kiss is not a forgettable experience. I speak from experience,” Tristan said in a knowing tone. “Harry is a good guy. And he likes you a lot,” he murmured thoughtfully. “You two would be good together . . .”
I raised my head from his chest and frowned, something clenching painfully at my heart, sinking heavily between my lungs.
“Tristan, don’t say that,” I whispered. I didn’t like the sorrow I had sensed in his voice.
“I reckon Harry will be good for you. Or Josh, he likes you a lot . . . and Sam. They’re all great and they all love you. Any one of them would take good care of you,” he said, mostly to himself. “If I’m . . . gone at the end of the year . . . they’ll care for you.” And his eyes glazed a little, as if he was watching something on the distant horizon.
“This isn’t funny, Tris,” I mumbled, upset. “I know you’re not jealous of the boys, but this is taking it a little too far.”
He blinked a couple of times, the harsh tone in my voice making him snap out of whatever dark thoughts he seemed to be delving into at that moment. “I’m sorry, Joey. I don’t know what came over me.” He grabbed me by the waist and pulled me back in his arms to kiss me.
“You gave up, that’s what came over you. For a moment there, you gave up on me – on us,” I said, trying to avoid his eyes.
“Never,” he murmured in denial, planting soft kisses on the curve of my neck.
“Stop it, Tris. It’s not funny!” I said, even more upset, my eyes brimming with tears.
“Come on, Joey! I was just saying that because I know it’s never going to happen! I’ll never leave you!” he said, changing his somber tone to a playful one and brushing his lips softly over my neck, making me shiver.
Damn him! I couldn’t stay mad at him while he was kissing me like that! While I was lost in his arms, all my worries seemed to vanish away. He kissed me until I was no longer upset, until he felt I was happy and content in his arms, and my heart was light again because he was with me, and that was all that mattered.
The rest of the evening passed uneventfully. We went to bed early, as we all still had a few last exams the next day, but I lay wide awake in my bed for a long time, thinking of Tristan and the boys with a heavy weight sinking in my chest. Something dark lurked around us, and I could do nothing but watch it approach, silently and merciless. It was only a matter of time . . .
That night I dreamed I was laying in the bed in my room back in Esperanza, in Tristan’s arms, but when I turned to him, he was gone and it was Harry that was holding me. I rested my face on Harry’s smooth chest, while my fingers lightly traced his amazing tattoo. I felt this unbearable sadness, because Tristan wasn’t there with me any more. It was shattering my soul and I felt tears streaming down my face. Harry kept holding me, telling me everything was going to be all right. But I knew it wasn’t. He held me close and he caressed me, but I couldn’t stand the pain and the sorrow taking over me. It was too much for me to bear.
“I’m here for you,”
Harry whispered in the dream, holding me tight in his arms. I woke up shaking and crying, while Tristan rose from his bed and walked over to mine with a worried frown etched on his face. He took me in his arms and held me tight, like Harry had just done in my dream.
“What’s the matter, sweetheart?” he whispered softly, fear flashing in his eyes.
“It . . . it was a bad dream. You were there, but . . . but then you were gone. You left me. I was so sad,” I said between sobs.
“Shhh, it’s all right. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere,” he whispered softly in my ears.
I woke up the next day still in Tristan’s arms, and I breathed a sigh of relief that he was still there with me. But there was a hint of worry and sadness weighing down on my chest. As soon as I started to shift under the covers, Tristan’s eyes snapped open with a start. He looked worriedly at me as I sat on the bed. I cupped his face gently with both hands and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. His expression softened and relaxed when he saw I was all right.
“I’m okay, Tris. Thank you for staying with me during the night,” I whispered with a thankful smile.
“Joe . . . Last night, was it something to do with Vigil?” Tristan asked me.
“No, Tris. Not Vigil. I told you, I haven’t seen him any more. It was just a bad dream this time,” I said.
He eyed me warily for a moment but then sighed, watching me silently from under his long eyelashes. I tried to disguise my heartache and headed for the bathroom to wash up. I hoped my daily routine would put me back on track. When I left the bathroom I was feeling a little better. While Tristan and Seth had their turns in the bathroom, I took the opportunity to get ready fast, and grabbed my backpack.
I was just finishing stuffing my books inside my bag when Tristan walked out of the bathroom.
“I have to go, Tris, I forgot a book in my locker and I need it for my class today, okay? I’ll see you guys at lunch.”
I wanted some time alone for myself, and maybe getting an early start when the school hallways weren’t so crowded would help me feel a little better. I needed some peace and quiet right now.
“Okay, Joe. I’ll see you at lunch.”
“Thanks. See you later,” I said and darted outside before he could offer to walk me to my first class. I was glad that he had stayed behind – I couldn’t bear Tristan’s worried glances my way all day long today. I knew he meant well, and he was only trying to protect me from hurting, but some things you just can’t avoid in life. Pain was one of them.
I went to my first class in a kind of a haze. I sat in my usual spot, right at the back next to the window, because I liked looking at the beautiful view outside, even though the sky wasn’t very inviting today. It was gray, dull and chilling, matching my mood perfectly. The teacher was handing out some test papers when Harry walked in late, his spiked red hair wilder than ever. He apologized to the teacher and hurried over to the only chair left, far away up in the front row.
For a brief second, his eyes wandered to the back, where I was sitting, but he didn’t wink or wave at me. Maybe he didn’t see me? I thought he had. He’d looked right at me. But I wasn’t sure, it had all happened so fast and then his eyes flickered away and he was already slouching on his seat. Was he avoiding me, then?
I felt horrible after that. I tried to do concentrate on the exam but I kept thinking how badly I had screwed things up with Harry. Why had I kissed him like that? What had I been thinking? Even if Tristan hadn’t felt jealous, it had affected my relationship with Harry. The thought of never seeing his spiked hair or hearing his laughter again destroyed me inside. And it was all my fault. After what I had done, we were always going to feel awkward and uncomfortable around each other. Of course he would want to be as far away from me as possible. The weight on my chest intensified, making it hard for me to breath.
The bell rang, announcing the end of class. I jumped, startled, because I was so deeply lost in my thoughts of guilt and sorrow that I hadn’t realized class had ended. I couldn’t bear to look at Harry’s way. I grabbed my things and ran off without looking back, my eyes starting to fill with tears.
I walked outside, roaming through the school grounds alone. It wasn’t as chilly as I expected. I walked aimlessly until I found my favorite tree, and stopped there to rest a little. I lay down on the grass, staring at gray clouds in a gray sky. It made me think of Vigil. I don’t know why. Maybe it was all the gray. It was his favorite color, after all . . .
I didn’t know how long I lay there; I completely lost track of time. I just fixed my gaze on the moving clouds and tried to empty my mind. After a while, all I could hear was the sound of the wind brushing the leaves on the trees. And then light footsteps. Someone was walking nearby, coming closer until he was sitting by my side. I didn’t need to look to know it was Harry, his red hair registering in my peripheral vision.
He sat at my side and contemplated the view with a peaceful expression on his face. He was in his quiet mode. Harry had two modes
, Quiet
and
Happy
.
.
When he was in a rare
Quiet
mode, he was calm, centered and shy.
“Joey, are you all right?”
It took me a couple of minutes to gather the courage to respond. “Do you hate me now, Harry?”
“Of course not! Why would I hate you?”
“Because I ruined our friendship, kissing you yesterday. I won’t blame if you’re uncomfortable and don’t feel like hanging out with me any more,” I said miserably.
He stopped to think about it. I didn’t want to cry in front of Harry. He stretched his arms and lay by my side on the grass, really close to me. I could feel the warmth radiating from him where our arms touched.
“I don’t think a small kiss like that can ever ruin our friendship, Joey. Or even a big kiss, for that matter,” he said, gazing at the sky. “I’m not dissing your kissing skills, mind you, it was a good kiss. Worthy of an A plus. But you’re being silly thinking that I could hate you because of that. I could never hate you, Joey. Never,” he said firmly.
I looked at the sky. Somehow it looked less clouded, less gray. We stayed quiet for a few more minutes. Harry put his hands over mine and held them softly.
“You know, you taste like tangerines,” he mused with a smile.
“It’s my lip-gloss,” I said and glanced at him. “You’re a good kisser,” I confessed.
“I know,” he stated smugly.
“Conceited, much?”
“You’re not half-bad either,” he replied, laughing when I hit him lightly. I loved hearing Harry’s laughter. It was so open and sincere.
When he spoke again his voice was low and cautious. “The guys said you had a rough night – bad dream?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“They’re all worried. You didn’t show up at lunch break. Tristan went to look for you, but you weren’t anywhere. He was really bummed when the bell rang ending lunch break and you still hadn’t shown up. So I came looking for you. I knew you’d be here.”
“What? Lunch break is over already? Talk about completely losing track of time,” I muttered. “How did you know I was here?” I asked him.
“This is the place you go when you’re sad.”
I’d never realized I did that. Harry was very observant. “Thanks for coming talk to me, Harry.” I smiled at him.
He pulled himself up, sitting next to me. “Did I make you feel better?” he asked, smiling too.
“Yeah. Tons better, Harry. Thanks,” I said, hugging him tight.
“Okay. Can’t. Breathe. Joey,” he said, wheezing loudly.
I let go of him, ruffled his hair and stood up. We ran back to school and were walking silently through the deserted corridors when Harry made his
I-have-an-idea
face. He grabbed my hand and pulled me briskly in the opposite direction, putting a finger to his lips, signaling me to be quiet. His eyes were glinting with mischief. That was his
Happy
mode all right. Unexpected and exciting. I smiled while he led the way. Then we stopped in front of a classroom and he pushed himself flat against the wall, to stay out of sight, and peeked inside through the small rectangular glass window on the door. I couldn’t resist and peeked around him to look. A teacher was explaining something inside the classroom while everybody stared with bored, glazed eyes.
That’s when I saw Tristan, at the far side of the room. He liked sitting by the window to look at the view outside, just like me. He had a troubled expression on his face, and wasn’t paying any attention to the teacher. He looked worried. That was why Harry had brought me here. To let Tristan know I was all right now.