Authors: Emma Hart
“I know, I know, but she's your first girlfriend!”
“No she isn't.”
“Yes, darling, she is. You usually just sleep with them, and I know sleeping is all you do. Now, I've never been one to get involved in your business because, well, boys will be boys and all that. In fact, your Uncle Calvin was exactly the same when we went to college. Anyway, I'd just love to meet her.”
“I've been dating her for like, two weeks. Can you let me, y'know, be with her first?”
“Oh, you mean you haven't
done it
yet? Oh, good for her.”
“Mom, not like that!” Kill me. Just fucking shoot me now. “Be in a relationship with her. Let us get to know each other before I introduce her to my family, okay?”
“Oh, well I suppose.” She's pissed. Oh well. Damn Megan!
“I have to go, Mom,” I lie. “I have to get to class.”
“Of course you do. Now, be good, and make sure you use protection. I'm happy for you, Braden, but not that happy, do you understand?”
“Yes, Mom.” I grit my teeth. “Goodbye, Mom.”
“Goodbye, Braden.”
I put the phone down and sigh. Good god, I love my mom, but she's a fuckin' nightmare sometimes. Not to mention embarrassing. Really embarrassing.
I shake my head and glance out the window. Being directly opposite the main campus, I can see people coming and going. A fire-red head next to a blonde one catch my eye as they leave the gates, and I grin. I jump up onto my bed and push the window open, putting my fingers into my mouth and whistling loudly.
Maddie jumps, and Megan gives a perfunctory look over her shoulder, notices me, and gives me the finger. I laugh, return the gesture, and Maddie looks up at me smiling. She waves and I wink at her, blowing her a kiss. She laughs and shakes her head. She turns away, and they head towards Starbucks.
Damn Starbucks. The one near campus probably remains open on Maddie and Megan's money alone.
I grab the remote from the side and flick the TV on, reaching out with my leg to press the Xbox's start up button with my toe. I don't have a class for two hours
.... I might as well put it to good use and get some practice in killing zombies.
If Pearce was telling me the truth, I should see him at some point today.
I don't think it'll be quite the brother-sister reunion he was hoping for.
Since Megan explained the situation to the girls – and I think she also told Braden, even if she won't admit it – I'm constantly surrounded. If there isn't Megan at my side, Kay is, or Braden, or Lila. Even Ryan walked me to class. That was creepy.
My body is warring with itself. My gut tells me that Pearce will be here while my head tells me it's not possible. After all, if he has the money to travel across the country, he has it to pay off his debts. Right? Not in his eyes. As much as I want to ignore it, I know he'll show.
I fidget all the way through my classes. I barely listen to anything any of the professors say, and even Braden doesn't joke his way through English like usual. He spends the hour running his fingers through my hair. Strangely, it relaxes me. A little. Sort of.
When dinner approaches and I still haven't seen Pearce, a part of me relaxes and lets my guard down. Of course, the reason I haven't seen him could be because I haven't left campus all day. I haven't even been close to leaving campus because I know if I'm here, I'm safe. Not even Pearce will go that far.
At least, I'm hoping he won't.
I didn't even go to Starbucks. I sent Braden instead. He was only too happy to go for me, providing I stayed sitting between Aston and Ryan on the green. I could have killed him. Aston spent the whole time examining my chest.
So for all I know Pearce is standing just outside the campus limits waiting for me.
I don't want to find out.
But I have to leave campus eventually. Tonight, in fact. To see Braden.
The game. Reality. It's all starting to mix. Feelings are clashing with feelings, and I'm starting to wonder what's real – if anything is real anymore.
I can separate my feelings about Braden and Pearce, and that scares me. They should be lumped in the same box with the same feelings and the same thoughts and the same fears. They shouldn't be separate. They shouldn't be discernible from one another.
“Eat,” Lila orders, shoving my plate back in front of me.
“I'm not hungry,” I lie through the twisting of my stomach. Nerves.
“I don't give a shit if you're hungry or not. You haven't eaten anything except half a blueberry muffin today. That's the first time you haven't finished one since we started college, so you're damn well eating it.” She gives me a hard look, and I narrow my eyes, grabbing two fries. I shove them in my mouth and exaggerate my chewing the way an insolent six year old would.
“There. I've eaten something.”
Lila glares at me. “Not good enough.”
Kay puts a hand on her shoulder. “Let me handle this, Princess.” She turns to me. “Eat the fuck up.”
I stare at her, meeting her hard look. My lips twitch slightly, but I hold in my smile. Kay raises an eyebrow, and I copy her.
“I thought I was in a college cafeteria, not a damn kindergarten playground,” Megan quips, sitting down.
I smile and pick my fork back up, stabbing some more fries. “Fine. You win. I'll eat.”
“All of it,” Lila demands.
“Some of it. I won't be able to eat it all.”
“She's right.” Megan looks at them both. “She's barely eaten, so if she eats all of it she'll make herself sick.”
“I ain't cleanin' up no damn vomit!” Kay folds her arms across her chest. “No fuckin' way.”
“You swear like a sailor.” Lila looks at her pointedly. “Have I ever told you that? Your potty mouth could give Braden, Aston and Ryan a run for their money – and they swear more than anyone I've ever met.”
“Why thank you.” Kay grins. “I'm choosing to ignore the last half of that speech, because on a bad day, I'd appreciate being called more manly than actual men, but those three aren't much of a comparison to a girl.”
Megan snorts. “She has a point.”
“Braden isn't as bad as Ryan and Aston,” I mutter. “Aston has more hair products than all of us put together, and Ryan spends as long on his hair daily as I do in a week.”
Lila pouts for a second then nods begrudgingly. “I suppose you have a point.”
“At least I know what to be this New Year.” Kay winks. “First Mate Kay at your service.”
“I dread to think how many people you'll be of service to on New Years Eve,” Megan says dryly.
Kay shoots her a look, and I laugh, looking down.
“What are you laughin' at, Stevens?”
I look up at Kay. “The fact you look
so
offended, yet you know it's absolutely true. Maybe we should get someone to reel you in, girl, 'cause you're a female Braden.”
Her eyes widen, and she looks at me in utter shock for thirty seconds. Lila gasps, and Megan shakes with silent laughter.
“Well, damn.” Kay shakes her head. “You could be right there.” She pauses, touching a finger to her lips for a second. “But at least I have variation. Males, female, gay, straight, y'know. Braden just goes for blondes.”
“Which is why I'm almost surprised this is working.” Lila smiles. “Because Maddie is definitely not a blonde.”
“There's nothing wrong with being blonde,” Megan huffs.
“Of course there isn't.” I pat her naturally-blonde hair. “But your hair is a nice blonde, not bottle blonde like the usual rats that rub against him.”
“Jealous, Maddie?” Kay's eyes flare with excitement.
“About as jealous as I will be this weekend when you make out with a female stripper in Vegas.”
Kay blinks. “I didn't even think of that. Maybe I'll take Aston with me. See if the little boy can handle it.”
Megan's eyes flicker to Kay and back again, but I'm the only one who catches the slight hardening of them.
Oh.
“Let's go,” Lila says and stands, giving a resigned sigh at my half-full plate.
“Where are we going?” Kay groans.
“F
rat house,” Megan replies, picking up her water bottle and dumping her plate.
“I spend half my fuckin' life in that house full of testosterone-filled dicks.”
“Don't be such a misery bum.” Lila pokes her. “Maybe if you liked those dicks a little more it wouldn't be so much hassle for you.”
“I'll have you know I like dick just fine, thank you very much.”
“Too much information.” I mime throwing up.
Kay tugs my hair, and we step into the evening sunshine. One thing I definitely prefer about California is the weather. You just don't get this kind of sun in Brooklyn.
I hum silently to myself, pretending not to notice that I'm actually off-campus. I mentally kick myself – I moved here to get away from my brother. I'm not in Brooklyn anymore, he doesn't have his asshole friends to back him up, and I'm not staring into the glassy eyes of a suicidal best friend.
I'm in California. I have
my
friends to back
me
up. I'm not alone.
I'm stronger than I was six months ago.
I won't give in.
“Maddie?”
I freeze.
Pearce.
I turn, slowly raising my eyes upwards. His brown hair is messy, his face pale and thinner than when I last saw him. There's no light in his eyes, no happiness in the smile plastered on his face.
“What, no happy greeting for your brother?”
“What are you actually doing here, Pearce?” My voice comes out stronger than I feel, and I'm thankful. I won't give in.
“What do you think I'm here for? I need your help, Maddie.” He steps towards me. “I'm in trouble, sis. I just need your help.”
“You always need my help. Problem is, you won't help yourself, will you?”
“You know why I do it. I miss her-”
“Don't you dare use her as an excuse!” Anger rises inside me, overcoming the fear, and I take a step forward, away from the girls. “Don't you dare use Mom as an excuse for your habit. You were into it before she died, so don't you stand there and feed me that bullshit!”
“It's not bullshit, Maddie. Really.”
“I miss her too, every damn day I miss her, Pearce, but it doesn't mean I have to turn to the closest narcotic to escape from it. Life is what you make it, and this is what she'd want me to make of mine. It's why she left me – left us – a college fund. She's probably turning in her grave at what her beloved son is doing now.”
“Mads, is that-?” Kay puts a protective hand on my arm.
“It's No one.” I shake her arm off. “Go home, Pearce. I won't help you anymore. I won't keep bailing you out.”
“I need you to, Maddie,” he begs. “It'll be the last time, I promise.”
“It's always the last time, though, isn't it, huh? Every. Single. Time. You say it's the last fucking time, and it never is, is it? It might be the last time you do whatever you're on now, but what's next? Ice? Heroin? Come on, Pearce! What next?!” I can't even register that people are staring. I don't even care I'm somehow right outside the frat house.
“That's shit, Maddie, and you know it! I just need your help!”
“And I've said no!” I walk up to him, jabbing him in the chest with a shaky hand. “I'm your sister, not your fucking keeper! You're twenty-two, sort your shit out! You can't keep running to me because your sorry ass can't keep a job down to support Dad. I've been here two months and I've had to pay Dad's rent because
you
are too busy getting jacked up!”
He grabs my arms. “And it's me that has to watch him move closer to killing himself every day while you're sunning it up here in California!”
“Getting an
education
!” I shove him away from me. “So that one day I can support Dad and get him the help he needs to move on!”
“So why won't you do it for me?!”
“Because you're a waste of air, Pearce.” I say it quietly but coldly. “I used to look up to you so much. You used to take me everywhere and we'd do anything. I knew we'd drift apart when you got to high school, but you changed into the people you used to despise. Mom used to work with drug addicts, for fuck sake! You knew what drugs would do to you, but you still did it. You still played around, and now, look at you.” I look him up and down. “You're not the brother I know. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're not even my brother at all.”
“What?” He grabs my wrist, squeezing it tightly.
“You're not my brother. Not anymore.” I fight to get him to loosen his grip. “How much have you put us through since Mom died, huh? First you played Abbi, made her fall in love with you while you controlled her and abused her because of the drugs, then you drove her to attempt suicide. I lost my best damn friend because you're fucked up! Dad told me to come here, far away from Brooklyn, where I could have a fresh start, and you just have to mess that up, don't you? You have to drag your sorry ass down here because you can't help but run up a goddamn bill for your drugs. You keep thinking 'oh, good little Maddie, she'll bail me out.' Not this time, Pearce. You and your habit can fuck off back to Brooklyn and stay there!”