Authors: Emma Hart
“Without me, your life is better,” I choke out and step back, turning and running across the road.
“Without you it's all bullshit, Angel!” he yells after me. “You give it all meaning. You make every day worth it so you're wrong! Before.... Before was before I had you. Now I've had you and I've lost you, and nothing can ever compare to having you, Maddie!”
I shake my head and run faster, leaving him standing there. Tears stream freely down my cheeks, and I hiccup a sob, covering my mouth with my hands. I punch the code into the keypad through blurry eyes and climb the stairs two at a time.
My dorm door opens as I reach it, and Kay holds out her arms. I let the books drop to the floor and collapse into her comforting embrace.
~
“I'm done!” Lila yells, throwing her pen at the wall behind my head. “I'm done!”
“Shut up!” Megan holds a finger up. She mutters to herself and scribbles something down on the book in front of her. “Okay, carry on.”
“So kind,” Lila snaps. She turns her eyes on me. “You! I'm done.”
“Me? What have I done?” I look at Megan. She shrugs.
“You, being a miserable bitch!” Lila exclaims. “I am so done. I'm not taking it anymore. I'm gonna put a goddamn smile on that face even if it's a forced one!”
“I'm fine, Lila.” I turn my attention back to the laptop in front of me. “Really. You don't need to put your fingers in the corners of my mouth and pull it up.”
“You are a liar. And do not tempt me, Maddie Stevens, because so help me, I will do it!” she threatens.
“I have no doubt of that,” I reply dryly. Megan giggles.
“There is a party tomorrow night, at the frat house. You. Are. Going.”
“No. I'm. Not.”
“Oh yes you are.”
“I'm not going, Lila. It
’s not about Braden, or even about seeing him. I just don't want to go, okay? I have loads of schoolwork to catch up on from last week. I have to catch up.”
“Bullshit!” Megan cries, her pen flying across the room. “I call bullshit! You've already caught it up. The biggest load you'd have is from English and you already handed that in. Excuses!”
“It's not excuses,” I argue lamely.
“Just because you don't want to see him-” Lila starts.
“I've seen him four times this week and spoken to him twice.” I raise my eyebrows. “I have no issues with seeing Braden Carter.” My jaw is tight.
Lila shakes her head. “You still don't wanna see him.”
I sigh. “I do want to see him.” I look away from them. “But after the 'thing' outside the frat house, I'm scared that when I do see him, I'll jump on him and kiss him instead of kicking him in the balls like I actually want to.” I shrug a shoulder, and Megan giggles.
“Then you have to come because either one could be amusing.”
“You're going to make me go, aren't you?” I look between them.
“Maddie, honey,” Lila begins in a softer tone. “I love you, but it's been three weeks. I'm not letting you mope anymore. You're going.”
That settled that, I guess.
I grab a beer from the cooler in the kitchen and head into the front room, taking a seat in the corner with Aston and Ryan. Neither say anything. What can they say? We're all expecting Maddie to turn up tonight with the girls. Megan and Lila will drag her along because Lila's fed up with the – and I quote – 'goddamn miserable look on her face all the damn time.'
I guess we're both gonna be forced here tonight because I'd rather be anywhere but here.
I take a mouthful of beer and swallow it heavily, just waiting. I don't know what I'm waiting for.
Maybe I'm waiting for her pretty green eyes to meet mine. Maybe I'm waiting to hear her laugh and see her smile again. Maybe I'm waiting for a moment I can approach her – in a totally non-caveman way – and just
.... See her. Without the shouting about how shit my life is without her. I can do without that, and she probably can too.
The house fills up as the guys and I sit in silence. I don't touch the beer again. I have no desire to get drunk tonight. The only desire I have is-
laughing in the kitchen.
Fuck.
That sound - it cuts me to the core.
Ryan is looking at me sympathetically, and Aston isn't even looking at me. I drop my eyes to the floor and twist my untouched beer bottle between my fingers. How can I enjoy this stupid fucking party when the only person who makes it enjoyable is laughing on the other side of the room? It was one thing being here without her and letting it pass me by, but knowing she's here
.... Knowing that makes me hypersensitive to her.
She laughs again, and I grit my teeth, turning sharply to look at her. She's standing next to Kyle. His arm is around her shoulders. What the fuck?
Maddie glances up quickly. Her green eyes meet mine for a split second - long enough for me to see the complete sadness there. I might be the reason she's so damn sad, but I'll be fucked if I'm letting that punk comfort
my
girl. I slam the bottle on the table and cross the room in a few quick strides.
“Excuse me,” I say, even though I don't care.
I take Maddie's arm and pull her away from Kyle, ignoring his cry of protest, and yank her through the room.
“Braden, let go of me!” she cries, trying to loosen my grip on her. “Braden! You're being an asshole!”
“Fuck this!” I stop and grab her waist, hoisting her over my shoulder. She squeaks out a scream and begins to smack me in the back, wriggling and kicking me for all she's worth as I carry her upstairs.
“Let go of me! You're being a caveman again!” she yells.
I shove my bedroom door open, walk through and deposit her inside. Turning, I slam the door shut, pocketing the key.
I turn to her, trying to stay calm. “That's because you're mine, and I'm not watching you laughing with him down there! You don't belong to him, Maddie! You never have and you never fucking will!”
“I. Am. Not. Yours!” she hisses, pointing at me. “I may have belonged to you once, but I don't anymore! Remember that?”
“If that's what you wanna believe, Angel, then you believe it.”
“It's not what I believe! I know it!”
“See those eyes, Maddie?” I cross the room, stop in front of her and look down at her. “They tell me a different story, so why don't we give up the game?”
“The game has been played,” she says acidly. “We both won, Braden, and now it's over.” She sighs. “I don't know what I'm supposed to say to you. Regardless of how either of us feel.... It's over.
We
are over. I'm not yours anymore. Do you get that? I'm. Not. Yours!”
“But I'm yours!” I grab her face and tilt her head back, making her eyes crash into mine. “I'm yours, Maddie. I always have been, and I always will be. Yours. Do you get that? Do. You. Get. That? I'll always be yours!”
Her lips part slightly, but she says nothing.
“Huh?” I prompt her. “Fight it all you want, Maddie. When it comes to me and you, we'll always belong to each other. Whether you like it or not, I. Am. Yours.”
Inside, my body is in overdrive. My heart is pounding, my blood is rushing through my body, and adrenaline is filling every spot possible. I'm so angry – yet I'm so broken and I want him.
Outside, I'm frozen to the spot.
“No,” I say, looking away from him.
“Yes.” His voice is begging me to believe him, to believe he still wants me.
That he loves me.
“We both played the game,” he says softly. “Both of us, Maddie. We both had the same goal, and we both achieved it. Don't you get it yet? I fell in love with you, Angel. I'm still in fucking love with you. What did you think would happen? Did you think I'd just let you walk right on out of my life like you were nothing?”
I nod.
“Shit, Maddie!” He lets go of me and turns, rubbing his face. A tear drips from my eye. “Did you really fucking think that? That I'd let you go from everything to nothing? 'Cause that's what you are. That's what you have been. Everything. You're fucking everything.”
He steps towards me and cups my face again. He pulls my face up until my tear-filled eyes meet his unusually dusky blue
ones.
“Maybe this is what I should have said the other day. You know I'm no good with dating. I had to look on Google for where to take you for our second date, for fuck sake.” I smile a little. “I'm no good at this, Maddie. I've messed up big time and it probably won't be the last. Maybe shouting at you about how crap my life is without you wasn't my smartest move, but damn it
.... I'm so lost without you around. I can't let this go, Maddie, and I'm not going to. You can run all you like, but I'll catch up with you every time, and when I do I'm gonna try and prove to you how right we are together.”
A tear drops from my eye, and he dips his head, kissing it away. He rests the side of his forehead against mine.
“I love you, Angel. I can't stand there and watch you with Kyle acting like everything is all right, 'cause it ain't. The only way it can be all right is if you're by my side. In some fucked up way, me and you, we're perfect for each other.”
I half-laugh, half-sob. “I don't care about Kyle. Not like that. He knows that.”
Tears spill from my eyes and Braden pulls me close. My arms wrap around his waist and my face presses into his hard chest.
“I love you,” I whisper through my tears. “But I'm scared, Bray, I'm scared everything I think I know about us is wrong. I'm scared that maybe it's always gonna go wrong.”
“I'm not Pearce,” he says into my ear. “I'm not him. I'm never gonna hurt you, control you or lie to you. Anymore,” he adds about the lying.
“We both did that. We both lied. We were both wrong,” I admit sadly.
“It brought you to me, Maddie. Something that does that can never be wrong.”
I look up at him, and he brushes his lips against mine. I stand on my tiptoes and kiss him a little harder.
“Mine, Maddie.” His blue eyes are clearing, the electric blue I know so well returning. “You will always be mine.” He wipes the tears from my cheeks softly.
“Yours,” I agree with no other choice. I can't ever see another choice. My hands move and I grip his collar pulling his face to mine. I graze his bottom lip between my teeth. “But that means you're mine.”
“Are you going cavewoman on me?” He smirks slowly.
I smile, the first genuine smile since I saw my Dad. “Me, Maddie. Braden, mine.” I kiss him again.
His arms circle my back, and we move sideways towards the bed. I spin us and push him back onto the mattress. I fall on top of him and straddle him, my dress rising up my thighs. Braden's hands stroke my thighs, his thumbs probing the insides of them.
I sink my fingers into his hair and hold on tightly, kissing him for all it's worth.
My past doesn't matter. It may always haunt me, and I know it'll always be in my mind and my heart, but I can't let it control me anymore. If I let it control me, it'll control my relationship.
We might not be forever. Our first love might not be our last. I can't predict where we'll be five, ten, even fifteen years from now, but I can't let my past rule my future. My past has shaped me into the person I am today, and knowing that means I can let go of all of my doubts and hold onto what I have. I can let go of my thoughts of my brother and hold onto Braden as tight as he'll let me.
Because, sometimes, letting go is the key to holding on.
THE END.
By day, Emma Hart dons a cape and calls herself Super Mum to a terrible two year old and growing bump, due September 2013. By night, she drops the cape, pours a glass of juice, and writes books.
She likes to write about magic, kisses and whatever else she can fit into the story. Sarcastic, witty characters are a must. As are hot guys. Emma is currently working too many books to even count. She likes to be busy - unless busy involves doing the dishes, but that seems to when all the ideas come to life.
You can find Emma online at:
Blog: emmahart93.blogspot.com
Facebook:
www.facebook.com/YAAuthorEmmaHart
Twitter: @EmmaHartAuthor
Goodreads:
www.goodreads.com/EmmaHart
Coming April 21
st
2013
It would’ve been different if I had courage, even an ounce of it. But I was a coward from the day I met you, Ryan Crowley. I still am. In the end it doesn’t matter. The bottom line is the same. It’s my fault.
When the unthinkable happens Carly Cavanough is left beaten, betrayed, and devastated. Her best friend doesn’t understand. Her parents won’t listen. Everyone in her life turns against her. She’s alone. Completely alone, except for Ryan Crowley, the boy she’s been crushing on for years. She won’t admit to him what she can’t admit to herself. But he understands without words. He knows more about what she’s going through than she can possibly imagine and he knows what it will take to start the healing.
With Ryan’s help Carly begins to piece together the fragments of her once perfect life and embarks on a journey of love and healing, just long enough for the rug to be pulled out from under her again. Can she find the strength and will to pull herself together to save Ryan and herself from the unthinkable?