Robin stared at him. “Dip, what can I do for you? Name it.”
“Forget it.” Dip jabbed him on the arm. “Pauli and I have it made. In September you can get us on
In Depth
before we open at the Persian Room. Now—let’s hail separate cabs a few blocks from here. We follow the B pictures to the very end.”
Robin got home and took a sleeping pill. An hour later he took another and washed it down with vodka. Within moments he fell into a hard sleep. When he awoke the following morning, he called Dr. Archie Gold. “This is Robin Stone. I think I’m ready for the full course.”
TWENTY-FOUR
R
OBIN
looked relaxed and in complete command of himself as he sat across from Dr. gold.
“Have you ever picked up a prostitute before?”
“Never.”
“Have you ever thought about it?”
“Never.”
“And you say you passed up one that was fairly attractive. What made you go for this one?”
Robin squashed his cigarette. “That’s why I’m here. She was a brunette.”
Archie’s gray eyes held a faint show of interest. “Could you have been testing yourself for Maggie?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’d have nothing to lose but your fifty dollars if you didn’t get an erection with the prostitute.”
Robin shook his head. “No, I don’t think it was that at all. Something funny exploded in my head when she approached me. From the moment I went with her, I felt as if I was dreaming.”
Dr. Gold studied his notes. “You know, the last time you were here, I told you I wanted to put you under hypnosis. I still do.”
“That’s ridiculous—we can certainly talk things out… .”
“I don’t want to waste my time and your money. I’d like to put you under and use a tape recorder. Then you can hear your answers, and perhaps we can go from there.” He noticed the frown appear on Robin’s face. “When we talked last January, we hit a block. You can’t go back to your early childhood. It’s not that you refuse to remember—you
can’t
remember. And until
now, you have separated sex from love. You have no ability to put them together. What you feel for Maggie is the desire to love. Yet love
with
sex seems incestuous to you. We’ve got to find out the reason. There’s not a clue in anything that you’ve told me in the last visit. And I assume you held nothing back.” He paused. “Robin, how old are you?”
“I’ll be forty-one next month.”
“Have you ever thought of marriage?”
“No. Why should I?”
“Every man naturally assumes that one day he will marry. When did you first become aware that you wanted to be a loner?” Dr. Gold asked.
“I don’t know. It was something I always felt.”
“There we go again,” Archie said triumphantly. “Something you
felt
—when? How? Don’t you see, we have to go back.” He stood up. “Robin, we’re only going in circles. I think you’ve had enough for today. Come in tomorrow. Do you think you can give me three hours?”
“Three hours?”
“I want to put you under and use a tape recorder. After we both listen to the tape, I have a feeling we’ll cut right through to the core of the problem.”
“We’ll have to make it in the evening,” Robin said. “Would six be all right?”
“I’ll see you here at six.”
The following day Robin scanned the newspapers to see if there was anything about Anna-Marie. He finally found a brief mention on the fifth page of the
News
:
A woman was found brutally beaten in a furnished room on West 58th Street. Police arrived after receiving an anonymous phone call. She did not live in the room and offered no explanation for being there. She was taken to Bellevue where it was discovered she had a long record for prostitution. No charges are brought against her, and she has been unable to name her unknown assailant. Her condition is not serious and she will be discharged from Bellevue tomorrow.
Robin went to the bank, withdrew two thousand dollars in small bills and sent it to her home address in a plain manila envelope.
He still had reservations about the hypnotism deal, but he arrived at Dr. Gold’s office at six. When his eyes rested on the tape recorder he felt a small chill of apprehension. “You actually think this is going to work?”
“I hope so,” Archie answered. “Take off your coat and loosen your tie.”
Robin took out his cigarettes. “Might as well get comfortable. Do I use the couch? I’ll even try that if it will help.”
“No, sit there, in the straight chair. And forget the cigarettes. Robin, you’re not going to fight it, are you?”
“Listen, neither of us has time to play games.”
“Fine! Now I want you to clear your mind. Fasten your attention to that seascape on the wall. All you see is the water … your feet are relaxing … all sense of feeling is leaving them … your legs are also floating … the feeling is creeping up through your body … you are weightless … your hands will drop at your side … your head and neck are relaxed … your eyes will close. Close your eyes, Robin. Now … you see nothing but darkness … it is velvet darkness … you are falling asleep… .”
Robin was aware that Dr. Gold had dimmed the lights. He was positive it was not going to work, but he followed Dr. Gold’s instructions. He stared at the damned seascape. He told himself all feeling was leaving him. He pushed every thought from his mind but the quiet voice of Dr. Gold. … He could hear Archie’s voice. It wasn’t going to work. He could still hear Archie’s voice. The darkness behind his eyes was heavy … but it wasn’t going to work… .
He opened his eyes. He was on the couch. He sat up and stared aimlessly around the room and reached for his cigarettes. “How did I get over here? A few seconds ago I was on that chair.”
“That was two and a half hours ago.”
Robin jumped up. “What time is it?”
“Quarter of nine. You arrived here at six.”
Robin picked up the telephone and dialed for the correct time. The singsong voice said, “At the tone, it will be eight forty-seven.” He hung up and looked at Dr. Gold in total disbelief. The doctor smiled at him.
Robin looked at the tape recorder questioningly. Dr. Gold nodded.
“Well, for God’s sake-play it for me!”
“You’ve had enough for one night. I want to listen to it myself alone tonight. Then tomorrow I’ll play it for you.”
“Did I make sense?” Robin asked.
“You made some startling revelations.”
“For Christ’s sake, play it for me. How can I sleep tonight wondering about this?”
Dr. Gold placed two green pills in an envelope. “Take these when you get home. Can you be in my office at six tomorrow?”
The pills worked. He had a good night’s sleep, but he was tense and impatient the following day. He chained-smoked and found it impossible to concentrate on the work at hand. By the time he reached Dr. Gold’s office, he was taut with nerves.
“Robin,” said Dr. Gold, “before we start, I want you to bear this in mind. People tell the truth under deep hypnosis. Every word you hear on that tape will be your voice. At times it may even sound strange because I took you back to your childhood and you even spoke as a child. But I want you to listen with an open mind and not fight anything you hear.”
Dr. Gold walked to the machine. “Ready?”
Robin nodded and sat down. The hum of the tape began. The first voice was Dr. Gold’s:
DR. GOLD:
Robin, you are under … you will hear my voice and react to everything I tell you to do. Now get up from that chair and walk to the couch. Good. Now lie down, Robin. We are going back … way back … you are a little boy. You are five years old … you are in bed… .
ROBIN:
Yes, I am in bed.
Robin sat on the edge of the chair and stabbed his cigarette out. Jesus, the voice was younger and lighter—but it was
his
voice!
DR. GOLD:
You are in bed. What kind of a bed is it?
ROBIN:
A nice bed. Kitty is kissing me good night.
DR. GOLD:
Robin, you are four years old. You are in bed… .
(Silence on the tape)
DR. GOLD:
Robin, you are four years old … four years old… .
ROBIN:
Why do you call me Robin? My name is Conrad.
DR. GOLD:
All right, Conrad. You are in bed … what do you see?
ROBIN:
Mama is in bed with me, but …
DR. GOLD:
But what? robin: She only pretends to stay, until I am asleep. Then she leaves me. She leaves me every night.
DR. GOLD:
How do you know she leaves you?
ROBIN:
Because I always wake up and hear her in the other room … when she’s with them.
DR. GOLD:
Who is “them”?
ROBIN:
I don’t know.
DR. GOLD:
Where is your father?
ROBIN:
We haven’t got a father.
DR. GOLD:
We?
ROBIN:
My mother and me … we have no one. Just us … and them.
DR. GOLD:
Who is “them”?
ROBIN:
Lots of times it’s Charlie. Sometimes it’s others.
DR. GOLD:
They come to visit your mother?
ROBIN:
Yes … But They Wait Until I’M Asleep.
DR. GOLD:
What do you do when you hear them out there?
ROBIN:
Nothing anymore. Not after Charlie slapped me.
DR. GOLD:
When did Charlie slap you?
ROBIN:
A while back … when I came in and found him on top of Mama on the couch.
DR. GOLD:
Does she still go into the living room after you’re asleep?
ROBIN:
Yes, but not with Charlie. She never let him come back again. On account of him hitting me. And I’m the only man she loves … we only have each other … no one in the world cares about us … we just have each other… .
DR. GOLD:
How old are you?
ROBIN:
I’ll be four tomorrow, August twentieth. And my mother
is going to take me to Boston to see the pigeons on the Commons… .
DR. GOLD:
where do you live?
ROBIN:
in providence, rhode Island.
DR. GOLD:
Aren’t you going to have a birthday party with your little friends?
ROBIN:
We Have No friends. There’s just us.
DR. GOLD:
Rob—Conrad, it is a week after your birthday. What are you doing?
ROBIN:
I’m still mad at my mother.
DR. GOLD:
Why?
ROBIN:
A man came on my birthday. He knocked on the door just as we were leaving for Boston. Mama said we were going out … for him to come back later that night. He gave her some money and said someone had sent him. Mama gave me a nickel and told me to go to the corner for ice cream and to sit on the stoop and not come in till she sent for me. I was sitting there eating my ice-cream cone and a big boy came by and took it from me. I ran inside … Mama was in our bed … the man was with her. I’m mad at her. No one sleeps during the day. It was my birthday. She yelled at me … told me to go out… .
(Silence on the tape)
DR. GOLD:
Conrad, it is Thanksgiving. You are four … what are you doing?
ROBIN:
Mama made a goose. People with large families have turkeys. But we’re a little family, just us … so we have a goose. But we have cranberry sauce with real berries in it … and she’s making the goose just like she had it when she was a little girl in Hamburg.
DR. GOLD:
Conrad, were you ever in Hamburg?
ROBIN:
No. My mother was born there. Lots of Sailors Were there, and that’s when she met
him
. And he brought her to America and married her.
DR. GOLD:
And then you were born? He was your father?
ROBIN:
No. He got killed. He wasn’t my father. He was just the man my mother married. He wasn’t any good. She told me. He worked and drove a truck selling whiskey and that wasn’t allowed. And one night everyone in his truck
got shot. And Mama was all alone. See, there wasn’t even me … or anyone. She was alone. But the man who owned all the trucks told my mother not to worry. And he sent lots of men to visit her and cheer her up and give her money and a year later God sent me to her.
DR. GOLD:
Did your mother know which man was your father?
ROBIN:
I told you … we had no father. Just mother and me. And we moved a lot because policemen don’t like a little boy living alone with his mother without a father, and if they catch us they’ll put me in a home away from Mother and send her back to Hamburg. But she’s saving her money and then one day we will
both
go back to Hamburg and live with my
Grossmutter
… and I will have children to play with and not be alone. See, right now, that is why I am not allowed to get friendly with children in the neighborhood, because they would ask questions about my father … and then they would tell the police I had no father… .
DR. GOLD:
Conrad, it is a week after Thanksgiving, at night. What are you doing?