The Makeshift Rocket

The Makeshift Rocket

Poul Anderson

‘Mercury Girl
, Black Sphere Line of Anguklukkakok City, Venusian Imperium, requesting permission to land and discharge cargo.’

‘Ah. Yes,’ said the large red haired man in the visiscreen. ‘Venusian ownership, eh? An’ what might your registry be?’ Captain Dhan Gopal Radhakrishnan blinked mild brown eyes in some astonishment and said: ‘Panamanian, of course.’

‘Was that your last port of call?’

‘No, we came via Venus. But I say, what has this to do with—’

‘Let me see, let me see.’ The man in the screen rubbed a gigantic paw across a freckled snub nose. He was young and cheerful of appearance; but since when had the portmaster of Grendel – of any asteroid in the Anglian Cluster – worn a uniform of such blazing green?

‘An’ might I hear what cargo ye have consigned locally?’ he asked. It was definitely not a Grendelian accent he had. York? Scotia? No. Possibly New Belfast. Having maintained his Earthside home for years in Victoria, B.C., Captain Radhakrishnan fancied himself a student of English dialects. However—

‘A thousand cases of Nashornbräu Beer and six ten-ton barrels of same, miscellaneous boxes of pretzels and popcorn, all for the Alt Heidelberg Rathskeller,’ he answered. ‘Plus
goods for other ports, of course, notably a shipment of exogenetic cattle embryos for Alamo. Those have all been cleared for passage through intermediate territories.’

‘Indeed. Indeed.’ The young man nodded with a sharpness that bespoke decision. ‘’Tis all right, then. Give us a location signal an’ folly the GCA beam in to Berth Ten.’

Captain Radhakrishnan acknowledged and signed off, adjusting his monocle nervously the while. Something was not all right. Definitely not. He turned the console over to the mate and switched the ship’s intercom to
Engine Room
.‘Bridge speaking,’ he intoned. ‘I say, Mr. Syrup, have you any notion what’s going on here?’

Knud Axel Syrup, chief and only engineer of the
Mercury Girl
, started and looked over his shoulder. He had been cheating at solitaire. ‘Not’ing, skipper, yust not’ing,’ he mumbled, tucking a beer bottle under a heap of cotton waste. His pet crow Claus leered cynically from a perch on a fuel line, but for a wonder remained silent.

‘You weren’t tuned in to my talk with the portmaster chap?’

Herr Syrup rose indignantly to his feet. He even sucked in his paunch. ‘I ban tending to my own yob,’ he said. ‘Ban busier dan a Martian in rutting season. Ven are de owners going to install a new Number Four spinor? Every vatch I got to repair ours vit’ chewing gum and baling vire.’

‘When this old bucket of rust earns enough to justify it,’ sighed Radhakrishnan’s voice. ‘You know as well as I do, she’s barely paying her own way. But what I meant to say is, this portmaster chap. Got a brogue you could put soles on, y’know, and wearing some kind of uniform I never saw before.’

‘Hm.’ Herr Syrup rubbed his shining bald pate and scratched the fringe of brownish hair beneath it. He blew
out his blond walrus mustache, blinked watery blue eyes, and ventured:’ Maybe he is from de Erse Cluster. I don’t t’ink you ever ban dere; I vas vunce. It’s approaching conyunction vit’ Anglia now. Maybe he come here and got a yob.’

‘But his uniform—’

‘So dey changed de uniform again. Who can keep track of all dese little nations in de Belt, ha?’

‘Mmmm – well, perhaps. Perhaps. Though I wonder – something dashed odd, don’t y’ know—Well, no matter, as you say, no matter, no matter. Got to carry on. Stand by for approach and landing, maneuver to commence in ten minutes.’

‘
Ja, ja, ja
,’ grumbled Herr Syrup. He fetched out his bottle, finished it, and tossed it into the waste chute which sponged it into space. Before he rang for his deckhand assistant, Mr Shubbish, he put a blue jacket over his tee shirt and an officer’s cap on his head. The uniform was as faded and weary as the ship; more so, perhaps, for he made an effort to keep the vessel patched, painted, and scrubbed.

A long blunt-nosed cylinder, meteor-pocked, patchplated and rust-streaked from many atmospheres, the
Mercury Girl
departed freefall orbit and spiraled toward the asteroid. The first thing she lost was an impressive collection of beer bottle satellites. Next she lost her crew’s temper, for the aged compensator developed a sudden flutter under deceleration and the men and Martians found their internal gyrogravitic field varying sinusoidally between 0.5 and 1.7 Earth gees.

That was uncomfortable enough to make them forget the actual hazard it added. Landing on a terraformed worldlet is tricky enough under the best conditions. The gyrogravitic generators at its center of mass are not able to increase the potential energy of the entire universe, but must content
themselves with holding a reasonable atmospheric envelope. Accordingly, their field is so heterodyned that the force is an almost level one gee for some 2000 kilometers up from the surface; then, within the space of a single kilometer, the artificial attraction drops to zero and the acceleration experienced is merely that due to the asteroid’s mass. Crossing such a boundary is no simple task. It is made worse by the further heterodyning as the spaceship’s negative force interacts with the terraformer’s positive pull. When the crew are, in addition, plagued with unexpected rhythmic variations in their weight, a smooth transition becomes downright impossible.

Thus the
Mercury Girl
soared to boundary altitude, yawed, spun clear around, bounced a few times, and bucketed her way groundward, shuddering. She scraped steel as she entered berth, with a screech that set teeth on edge at Grendel’s antipodes, rocked, came to a halt, and slowly stopped, groaning.

‘
Fanden i helvede
!’ roared Herr Syrup at the intercom. ‘Vat kind of a landing do you call dat? I svear de beer is so shook up it explodes! By yumping Yudas—’

‘
Sacre bleu
!’ added Claus, fluttering about on ragged black wings. ‘
Teufelschwantzen und Schwefel!
Damn, blast, fap!’

‘Now, now, Mr. Syrup,’ said Captain Radharkrishnan soothingly. ‘Now, now, now. After all, my dear fellow, I don’t wish to make, ah, invidious comparisons, but the behavior of the internal field was scarcely what – what I could expect? Yes. What I would expect. In fact, the cook has just reported himself ill with, ah, what I believe is the first case of seasickness recorded in astronautical history.’

Herr Syrup, who had dropped and broken a favorite pipe, was in no mood to accept criticism. He barked an order to Mr. Shubbish, to rip the guts out of the compensator in lieu of its manufacturer, and stormed up the companionway
and along clangorous passages to the bridge, where he pushed open the door so it crashed and blew in like a profane whirlwind.

‘My dear old chap!’ exclaimed the captain. ‘I say! Please! What will they think?’

‘Vat vill obscenity who blankety-blank t’ink?’

‘The portmaster and, ah, the other gentleman – there.’ Radhakrishnan pointed at the main viewport and made agitated adjustments to his turban and jacket. ‘Most irregular. I don’t understand it. But he insisted we remain inboard until—Dear, dear,
do
you think you could get some of the tarnish off this braid of mine before—’

Knud Axel Syrup stared at the outside view. Beyond the little spacefield was a charming vista of green meadows, orderly hedgerows, cottages and bowers, a white gravel road. Just below the near, sharply curving horizon stood Grendel’s only town; from this height could be seen a few roofs and the twin spires of St. George’s. The flag of the Kingdom, a Union Jack on a Royal Stuart field, fluttered there under a sky of darker blue than Earth’s, a small remote sun and a few of the brightest stars. Grendel was a typical right little, tight little Anglian asteroid, peacefully readying for the vacation-season influx of tourists from Briarton, York, Scotia, Holm, New Winchester, and the other shires.

Or was it? For the flagstaff over the spaceport carried an alien banner, white, with a shamrock and harp in green. The two men striding over the concrete toward the ship wore clover-colored tunics and trousers, military boots and side-arms. Similarly uniformed men paced along the wire fence or waited by machine gun nests. Not far away was berthed a space freighter, almost as old and battered as the
Girl
but considerably larger. And – and—

‘
Pest og forbandelse
!’ exclaimed Herr Syrup.

‘What?’ Captain Radhakrishnan swiveled worried eyes toward him.

‘Plague and damnation,’ translated the engineer courteously.

‘Eh? Where?’

‘Over dere.’ Herr Syrup pointed. ‘Dat odder ship. Don’t you see? Dere is a gun turret coupled onto her!’

‘Well – I’ll be – goodness gracious,’ murmured the captain.

Steps clanging on metal and a hearty roar drifted up to the bridge, together with a whiff of cool country air. In a few moments the large redhead entered the bridge. Behind him trailed a very tall, very thin, and very grim-looking middle-aged man.

‘The top of the mornin’ to yez,’ boomed the young one. He attempted a salute. ‘Major Rory McConnell of the Shamrock League Irredentist Expeditionary Force,
at
your ser-r-r-vice!’

‘What?’ exclaimed Radharkrishnan. He gaped and lifted his hands. ‘I mean – I mean to say, don’t y’ know, what? Has a war broken out? Or has it? Mean to say, y’ know,’ he babbled, ‘we’ve had no such information, but then we’ve been en route for some weeks and—’

‘Well, no.’ Major Rory McConnell shoved back his disreputable cap with a faint air of embarrassment. ‘No, your honor, ’tis not exactly a war we’re havin’. More an act of justice.’

The thin, razor-creased man shoved his long nose forward. ‘Perhaps I should explain,’ he clipped, ‘bein’ as I am in command here. ’Tis indeed an act of necessary an’ righteous justice we are performin’, after what the spalpeens did to us forty years agone come St. Matthew’s Day.’ His dark eyes glowed fanatically. ‘The fact is, in order to assert the rightful claims of the Erse nation ag’inst the unprovoked an’ shame
less aggression of the – pardon me language – English of the Anglian Kingdom. The fact is, this asteroid is now under military occupation.’ He clicked his heels and bowed. ‘Permit me to introduce meself. General Scourge of the Sassenach O’Toole, of the Shamrock League Irredentist—’

‘
Ja, ja
,’ said Herr Syrup. He still carried a cargo of anger to unload on someone. ‘I heard all dat. I also heard dat de Shamrock League is only a political party in de Erse Cluster.’

Scourge-of-the-Sassenach O’Toole winced. ‘Please,
Saorstat Erseann
.’

‘So vat you ban doin’ vit’ a private filibustering expedition, ha? And vat has it got to do vit’ us?’

‘Well,’ said Major Rory McConnell, not quite at ease, ‘the fact is, your honors, I’m sorry to be sayin’ it, but ye can’t leave here just the now.’

‘What?’ cried Captain Radhakrishnan. ‘Can’t leave? What do you mean, sir?’ He drew himself up to his full 1.6 meters. ‘This is a Venusian ship, may I remind you, of Terrestrial registry, and engaged on its – er, ahem – its lawful occasions. Yes, that’s it, its lawful occasions. You can’t detain us!’

McConnell slapped his sidearm with a meaty hand. ‘Can’t we?’ he asked, brightening.

‘But – look here – see here, my dear chap, we’re on schedule. We’re expected at Alamo, don’t y’ know, and if we don’t report in—’

‘Yes. There is that. ’Tis been anticipated.’ General O’Toole squinted at them. Suddenly he pointed a bony finger at the engineer. ‘Yez! What might your name be?’

‘I ban Knud Axel Syrup of Simmerboelle, Langeland,’ said the engineer indignantly, ‘and I am going to get in touch vit’ de Danish consul at—’